Back and forth

A few days ago Mistress finally took advantage of me, after a weeks hiatus. It started out with a notion from her that she wanted to cut me again, but when she unpacked the playthings I had put in the bag her plans developed a little. We were at her parents place, and I had packed an assortment of things, this and that which fit in the bag.

In the end, she tied me securely to the bed, blindfolded and gagged me, inserted a butt plug, and used both the tawse and the whip on me before creating a small piece of art on my shoulder blade with her knife. Or maybe she whipped me afterwards, I don't recall it exactly. I was mostly floating away.

Or rather, in the end I was floating. In the beginning I was scared, and stiff and a little apprehensive. We've had busy weeks for a while, not very much time for each other, and in order to not nag at her, I've stifled my own needs. And withdrawn. With withdrawal comes walls, and tearing them down, opening up again, hurts. It's scary and it hurts.

She commented on that afterwards too, that she felt something big was needed this time. It was. It was very much needed.

It's not until today, more or less, that I've fully realised how withdrawn I have become. I don't like it.

Not a bad Sunday

We had a shaky start this morning, little S woke up with an eye infection which meant that our afternoon of babyfree time was threatened. Luckily it turned out that grandma was fine with hanging out with a little red eyed monster, but before we knew that the idea of another weekend comprised entirely of watching kid and working made the mood a little bleak.

I pick up on Mistress mood so goddamn strong and quick. Especially when I'm in the state I'm in now, overworked and overstressed and generally out of sorts. Her grumpiness gives me angst, and this morning I simply gave some excuse after breakfast and shut myself in the bedroom, curled up under the covers and tried to concentrate on counting my breaths and waiting for the panic to abate. It's a really unpleasant feeling, even though it helps knowing that it's not dangerous and that there's nothing really wrong except for me being to tired.

We had a nice outing before lunch, looking for a pair of joggers for little S. Unfortunately she's in a stage right now when she's realised that she's a girl, caught on to the idea that girls should have pink glitter on everything (not shared by either of her moms) and refusing every one of the sensible, multicoloured, good-for-running shoes we picked out. We, on the other hand, absolutely refused the glittery pink sandals she voted for. We'll give it another try tomorrow - some store somewhere must have realised that it's a good idea to make sensible, strong, practical shoes for three-year-olds and then colour them pink and put a lot of glitter on them. I would, if I made kids' shoes.

And then, finally, Mistress took little S on her bike to grandma, and when she returned we had coffee and ice cream on the patio, and it was warm and sunny for the first time this year, and afterwards we just went and layed down in bed together. And fell asleep. I think we were tired.

Mistress woke me up after a bit, and had decided that I would stay where I was, while she went to work at the computer beside the bed. She tied me up securely on my side, and left me there, to rest and slumber and wait for her. It was wonderful. I slept so good, and every time I drifted awake again I could feel the rope against me, knowing that there were nowhere else for me to be, and hearing her clattering on the computer. I was laying in a sun spot on the bed and it all felt so very very luxurious.

And then she got her strap on and fucked me silly 'til we both came.

All in all, a very good Sunday. And next week Mistress' deadline will have past and she'll get back to a more reasonable working schedule instead of the crazy one she's had for the last week. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to that.

 

Being tied up for over and hour gave me very pretty rope marks too. There's some spots there I even think will bruise and stay for awhile. It's like jewellery, in a way. 

A movie-night

The upside of being tied up from head to toe and securely attached to the radiator is that it makes me relaxed enough to actually be able to watch a whole movie in one go. In this case "Snow-white and the huntsman", on the mattress in the living room, curled up besides Mistress.

The downside of being tied up from head to toe while watching a movie? I don't know, I like this stuff.

The good and the bad

Laying in a dark room without any input and no ability to do anything made wonderful things for my brain. My stomach tried to kill me (or at least it felt like it) and there was a period of six hours or so when that seemed like a good idea because I felt so horrible, but well, my brain obviously liked it. Nothing like a bout of calici virus to cure exhaustion and stress symptoms.

Mistress commented on it just now, and said something along the lines of that even if it had been hard on her, taking care of a first sick and then bored three year old, while tending her own stomach bug, if it was this good for me she might make me do it again. Not the calici part, just the "laying in a dark room for two days"-part.

I think that's a great idea, except that maybe it's not her and mine time together that should go to that, but my school/recuperating-time, that between nine and four when the little one is at preschool. I do try to do things I know will make me feel better, all the time, but usually I probably put to much active stuff into the schedule. That has it's reasons though, because if I was just laying in bed in a dark room without calici, my ruminations start. I have to balance the exhaustion part against the depression part of the problem - my brain is hyperactive, if I don't get any stimuli from the outside, it makes up it's own, and it's usually unpleasant.

One thing is that I'm consciously training the ability to be still without rumination, to be present and aware, by different exercises in mindfulness. I'm better at it now, but I have a life long training of doing the exact opposite, so results are so so at best.

Another thing is that Mistress can have the same effect on me that a severe stomach bug has... (Love you, darling!) She can make me present in the moment, focused on her and the here-and-now. Laying in the bed all by my self or laying in the bed because she ordered me to it, in a position she ordered me to, or bound by her physically, is two totally different experiences.

When she makes me do it, my focus is on obeying, and on her. My mind goes blank, or at least relaxes. The thoughts don't go away, usually, but they fade in to the background. It's not constant activity any more, it's just being there. I love it, but I can't achieve it on my own.

It's a state of awareness that can come when she ties me up, usually in the moment when I realise I can't get away, when the last knot is tied and I can see and feel that all the ends of the rope are out of my reach.  It's like my whole being relaxes - body and mind. It happens during beatings too, somewhere halfway when I stop struggling and relax in to the pain, and it usually lingers afterwards.

 I think it could probably happen at other times too, or I know it can, any time she exerts her power over me. In our day to day life that isn't to often, but sometimes on the couch when we watch television she'll grab my hair or put an arm or a hand around my throat, and I get that relaxed, aware, present feeling.

Right now I'm grateful our little family isn't puking our guts up any more, and that we seem to have a good chance of a relaxing weekend. There's a lot of misery around me, from the small stuff (our dog has chronic kidney problems we're trying to sort out) the personal impending doom-stuff (my father in law has prostate cancer, we'll know this Friday it it has spread to the skeleton, and we're all in different degrees of low-key terror) to the distant but unthinkable that happened in Connecticut.

But no. Right this minute I'm laying in bed with my beloved wife and Owner, we're going to have a whole night together for the first time in several days, and our daughter is thank God healthy and well looked-after downstairs by Grandma. This is good, and I'm going to let it be good, in this minute. That will have to be enough for now.

Problem solved

But when there weren't anything good on at nine o'clock, I jokingly said "well, then you'll just have to tie me up and beat me" and she said "Yeah, I guess you're right." That kind of threw me. So she walked the dog and told me to use the bathroom and shut down the laptop in the meantime, and when she got back, she tied me down at the bed, and beat my ass with the tawse.

Really really hard.

Afterwards she rearranged the ropes to have me on my back, and while she did it I commented flippantly about a rope that wasn't secured around my ancle. Something in my tone of voice or choice of words made her draw the conclusion that I wasn't properly submissive yet, "only because I haven't beaten you enough" she said and something in her voice and demeanour made me really really scared.

I apologised over and over, but that didn't help. In the end she made me lay still while she whacked me really hard, between my legs and on each of my breasts, and then on the left side of my face. She demanded that I was perfectly still and looking at her for each of the strokes, and when it was over, I was not only sincerely regretful but also very very meek and submissive.

The she left me there for a while, with an order to first count to a thousand, and then start touching myself. I was allowed to come if I said "I'm you're slut!" loudly while doing it, but I never got that far before she came back and started fucking me with her hand instead.

So yeah. I'm not complaining any more. At least not about not being beaten enough.

The best laid plans...

Last Sunday we were going to rope-thing, people meeting and playing around with tying each other up. We've gone once before, but haven't been able to since, so I was looking forward to it. The meeting was moved from day time to night time, so we asked my dad to babysit after little S had fallen asleep, all he had to do was watch the whodunit on our TV instead of his own. He was all for it, and eventually little S was sleeping quietly in her bed in her room, Mistress had done the ten minutes of last minute work she suddenly decided she had to do, and we were off.

And then we drove through town and around in a suburb looking for the right address. Both yawning desperately. When we realised we had parked the car in the wrong area and decided to move it, Mistress commented on how tired she was and how she really only was doing this so that I could meet some people. For a second I was furious, and when I looked closer at the anger I realised that I was absolutely exhausted too, and more or less did this because I wanted Mistress to get out and meet some people. And the anger fell away and I confessed that well, I wasn't really feeling like it either.

So we drove home again. And surprised my dad in front of the TV, shared some candy and a cup of tea with him, and then spent the rest of the evening cuddled on the sofa just the two of us. I don't remember what we said to dad, probably something resembling the truth. I think we only left out that bit about tying people up...

There's no way around it, we really don't have the energy to have an active social life. Maybe we never will. Hopefully people will have patience with us, and appreciate the rare occasions when we actually do turn up. They do happen, from time to time.

A nice evening in

Bliss!

If I was a smoker I'd be having a cigarette by now.

We watched the first episode of True Blood season two, with cheese doodles and beer, and when Sookie and Bill started getting it on, her hand moved to my breast and begun to fondle it. When the show was over, we went in to the bedroom, and she ordered me on to the bed. She tied me down, feet together and arms spread wide apart, and secured the ropes in the bed.

And then she proceeded to beat me, hard, with the leather tawse. It was really difficult to relax, and I couldn't stop squirming until I started to really focus on the pain, on every stroke. By then she had one of her feet on the small of my back, pushing me down, and a rope around my neck, holding it tight. I was bound, pushed, strangled and beaten, and could finally drift away into the sensations. I know my breathing slows then, and my pulse too. She said she had to check on me now and then, to see that I was okay, but I didn't notice that. I just was, existed.

When she was done, she told me that for once she hadn't kept going until I started to bleed, but instead had kept going even though I was bleeding. That idea made me inexplicably happy. I hesitantly told her (or more whispered in to the pillows) that I would like to stay were I was for a while, and that I had this idea in my head that maybe she would go and do something else. I guess I pictured her going in to the other room and look up porn on the computer or something. Instead she said yes, she would leave me - and go walk the dog.

Which she did. I stayed, obviously, feeling completely at ease and safe on the one hand, and longing for her to come back on the other. She came back, not long after, slowly untied me and then we cuddled, kissed and eventually fucked until I saw stars flying around in the room.

Now I'm really really tired and looking forward to crawling in to bed with the one I love most in the whole world.

Making me bleed

The day before yesterday, when little S had gone to sleep, I was out in the kitchen sewing. Mistress came out to me, and told me to finish what I was doing, and then report to her. I finished that part of my project and went to the bedroom. She was laying on the bed reading, and when I stepped in, she told me to undress and get down on the bed.

The thing is, written like this, it sound so somber, so dangerous, stern. In actualitie, it's not. It's warm and cute and full of laughter. There's no doubt that she's the boss and that I will obey her, and that is easy to convey in writing. The underlaying love and humor and general warmth is harder to get through. But it's there, always.

She told me that she was going to give me a hundred strokes with the rattan, in segments of 25; the first ones easy, and then harder and harder. And then, if she felt like it, she would just continue to beat me. "But I think I'll have to restrain you first" she said, and I answered "Yes please Mistress!". It's so much easier and less scary to be beaten when I'm bound up, especially if it's hard.

And when I was laying naked and chained to the bed, she proceeded to beat me on the ass with the rattan, and I breathed in to the pillow and tried not to move. At the end the strokes came hard and fast, and eventually she switched to the smaller rattan and just kept on hitting. By then I was gone, floating on the pain, having no desire for it to ever stop. And then, after a particular stroke, she said "Finally!", and put down the rattan. She turned me around and fucked me until we both came.

Afterwards, on her arm, I asked what the "Finally!" had been all about. "Well" she answered "I wanted to make you bleed, so I beat you until you did. I took awhile, though, and I wanted to do other stuff too." I nodded, and sighed happily.

There's something in her very calculated, deliberat way of handling me that just makes my heart melt. A true romantic!

A pick-n-mix of good and bad

Being depressed sucks. What astonishing news. I'm quite ready to be healthy again now, thank you. All done with this stuff. Unfortunately, that's not how it works. This far, I'm at the stage were only the side-effects of the anti-depressants have kicked in yet, so the only result of the medication is nausea and grumpiness. Yey.

But Mistress bound me down and whipped me this morning, that really was great. I simply sunk into it and floated, relaxing and letting go. Afterwards, there was some blood, and I can still feel the sting of it. I like that. I fell asleep for a while after, and slept a lot this night, but that doesn't stop me from being perpetually insanely tired. But still, being beaten was nice.

And she's ordered a collar! It makes me all kinds of happy. A little nervous, I'm not really sure why, but mostly really really happy.

Vacation

We're visiting my in-laws in their cabin by the sea, in the northern Baltic. The cabin is right by the shoreline, and there's something about the seas' constant motion and the sounds of water and birds and the wind in the trees that soothes my mind. On the one hand I seem to sleep or want to sleep all the time, on the other hand it feels like my mind is healing.

We seriously need to get that house in the country, away from noise and other people. I would feel so much better. But that means me getting a proper job, that can pay for half of such a house without me having to work full time, and that means graduating. One more poor year with full time studies, and then we can move forward.

One of the greatest thing with staying here is the sleeping arrangements. Little S sleeps with grandma in a small outhouse with room for two beds and nothing else, grandpa sleeps in the main cabin together with two big rottweilers that takes grandmas bed - apparently they both like that better than their normal arrangement. And me and Mistress sleeps alone in a small cabin a bit away from the main cabin, down by the water. Alone. The key word here is alone.

Little S wouldn't fit even if she wanted to, it is so tiny. But she wants to sleep with grandma, thank God.

Yesterday, Mistress chained my hands to a chain looped around my waist, and pushed me forward on the bed. I had a gagball in my mouth, and she proceeded to whip me, first with her hands, and then with a switch I had cut and peeled earlier. It was terrifying and horribly painful and beautiful and absolutely delicious, all at the same time. And she told me to scream if I wanted to, and that fact alone makes me love our little cabin by the sea.

It's actually getting better!

And the thing is, all the soulsearching and questioning and complaining I do on this blog right now, all the listing of my shortcomings and pondering of differences and arguments - it works. Things are improving, actually.

I have shifted my attention from "what is she doing wrong and how can I make her do something else?" (which leads to no change and make us both miserable) and also from "this sucks, why can't we do it right, what's wrong with our relationship?" (with similar results as the first one) to "What am I doing? Is it working? Am I getting what I need? What could I do differently?". That's what I've been doing for a couple of weeks now, and that has led to change.

This morning she said or did something that made me feel stressed out. I told her, as I ususally do, how I felt and what it was she did that made me feel that way, and why. And this time, unusually, she hugged me and explained the situation from her point of view, and made me feel all better again. And I felt good about myself, I wasn't angry with her or myself, and she didn't seem to mind me fretting a bit. That's a huge difference. Huge!

And the thing I did differently? The only thing I changed, that averted all the angst, all the drama, all the argument and all my seemingly disrespectful attitude? I looked down when I talked to her. Instead of staring into her eyes, trying to convey all my unhappiness and desperation so that she would take pity on me and console me, which I've done before and which ends up in disaster and her claiming I look at her "as if I hate her", I averted my eyes and avioded eye contact while I was explaining my point of view. That's it.

It's such small things. It's about talking to the other one in a body language that can be understood, conveying a message the other one can actually recieve. Sometimes that's not the thing I would naturally do, sometimes it's something that has to be learned. I grew up forced to act very assertively. I needed to defend myself, daily, from my older brother and from bullies at school, and that still resonates from me, especially when I'm stressed out. I get big "Keep away!" signs flashing all over me, even though that's not at all what I'm intending. If I don't want that to be so, I have to consciosly do something about that.

Looking down is one thing I can do, that obviously improves things.

And today when little S took her nap after lunch, she brought me into the bedroom, cuffed me to the bed and put clover clamps on my nipples, and left me to lie like that while she was on the computer for a while, finishing off a job project. It really really hurt, and it gave me a curious satisfaction to stifle all moans or cries and lie perfectly still so that she wouldn't be disturbed in her work. It didn't really get me wet until she was finished and came over to me and touched me, but then my whole body lit up in a second, and when she started to fuck me I was on fire. Afterwards I almost fell asleep in her arms, before it was time to go wake up little S.

I love her so damn much, she's the most beautiful person I know. 

Beaten

On another note, my mom babysat today, taking care of little S a few hours before lunch, and we had some precious alone time. At first, we simply talked and cuddled, and then I had this vision in my head of being tied up and ruthlessly beaten.

She liked the idea, and made it come true, with the added bonus of her fucking me from behind afterwards, tied to the bed with all limbs except for my right arm, which she let free so that I could touch myself and orgasm on her request while she fucked me.

It really was a sever beating, both harder than usual and with almost no warm-up. Now my ass is still a little red and quite sore, and my soul is all tender and loving. I'm longing for tonight, when little S is asleep, and she can hold me tight again.

The luxury of working from home with kid at pre-school

Mistress worked from home today, and even though she more or less locked herself in our bedroom/office (actually, not the best combination of space, but the best we've been able to come up with) already at 7.15 this morning, when I came home around two she closed her computer and started the weekend. She'd declared that this morning already, that she planned to spend an hour with me before it was time to pick up little S at pre-school, and it made me feel so good - cared for, excited, like I was promised a big treat.

And it was a big treat. Time for just us, time to be together, time to enjoy each other, sure that nothing would disturb us - that's luxury. That's the absolut best thing in the world, for me.

She even asked me what her slut was yearning for, what I wanted most of all. And I realised that my answer was perfectly truthful - "to be used in any way Mistress desires". That's not coming from any kind of altruistic place, I'm not trying to please her or hiding anything. On her request I could come up with a hundred juicy scenarios of things she might do to me - but if she asks me what I truly want, it's as simple as being of pleasure to her. Her answer was "then I think I'll fuck you. That's what I want the most."

And she did. At first, though, we undressed, and she chained me to the bed in leather handcuffs. The moment the snap hook closes and I now I wont be able to reach anything to get loose, there's like a sigh going through my whole body. I'm completely relaxed, I simply surrender, and I'm never happier then that.

She stroked me and caressed me, then spanked me a little, and eventually she probed my ass with a buttplug. We do have a buttplug problem, though, because I've developed an allergy to latex, and all our plugs is made of it. She tried it, but I had to admit to it stinging in the wrong way, and eventually she focused her attention on other things, and started fucking me for real.

Something about the whole thing, being caressed, being tied down, having time on our hands, her using the plug on me - it drove away my usual inhibitions. After a while, I was about to start begging her to take me in the ass, and she shortly coaxed the plead out of me. After she'd demanded an orgasm from me, she ordered me to turn over, and did take me from behind. It was a long time ago, at least it felt like it, and it was wonderful. Hurtful, but wonderful. There's equal parts indulgence and shame in it for me, I love it and I'm deeply embarrased about loving it, and also, it hurts alot. Afterwards, I was somehow drained, feeling smaller and more vulnerable than I've done for a long time.

And that's ok, because we cuddled some more, took a shower, and later on, she went to pick up little S, and I'm allowed to simply stay put, taking it easy and regaining my composure. That was a long time ago too - to have the time to put me deep into subspace, doing things that affect me strongly, and me having the time to recuperate.

I'm feeling so very blessed today. Soon, my family is back home, we're going to eat tacos in front of the teve, and everything is fine.

(I'm still having the fever, though. The doc said nothing dangerous, probably virus, it will pass. Hopefully, he's right.)

(We've thrown away the plugs. No point in having toys if they're dangerous to play with. I'm hoping for a glass or metal one instead, but she might prefer silicon. I guess I'll find out.)