A little play goes a long way

We had some time together this morning, alone at home. Mistress chained me to the bed, and proceeded to methodically and calmly cut my back, alternating with dropping hot candle wax on it. It was slow, painful, mindful and beautiful. And it looked pretty, too.

Getting hooked

When we went to bed last night we followed our usual ritual; I ask for permission before going into the bed and curling up on her arm. She lifted the leash that is fastened on the bed head to snap it on to my collar, but I was feeling a little bratty, a little restless and wistful so I made a move as if to avoid it. She recognised my mood, as she always does. Sometimes she ignores it, trusting in me to deal with it myself without becoming a nuisance to her. Sometimes she deals with it for me.

This time, she answered my unspoken plea for dominance and attention. As usual, as soon as I get the reaction I was fishing for I deeply regret it. Instead of hooking the leash to my collar, she signalled to me to be still, and fastened the snap hook in my nose. It's a strong and thin hook, and it hurt, a lot. My whole body tensed up, and it was almost impossible for me not to flail about.

She told me to be still, and went on reading her book. I stayed perfectly still on her arm, tense as a bowstring, intensely focused on the the pain in my nose. But as these things always go, eventually the panic and hyper-focus and impulse to get away drifted away. It was as it was, and I was going to endure what she choose to give me, and obey her. I started to relax, and at last I curled up to her, still hooked by my nose, and took my usual position by her side. As soon as she felt me giving in, she turned to me and unhooked me, putting the snap hook at the collar instead.

I curled up close to her, and the last thing I said before "good night" was "thank you, Mistress".

She hearts me!

I just realised I wanted to show off the beautiful heart I got a week ago. It still shows, and a bit of the heart is itching when it's healing.

Getting what I want

Yestarday, I begged, literary begged, Mistress to be spanked. "Or whatever, it doesn't have to be spanking - just hurt me! Please, please, please, Mistress?". This was after we had gone to bed, I was tense and worked up and worrying about my upcoming exam and just generally feeling out of sorts.

Mistress sighed and said, that no, she wasn't going to. She was tired, and she didn't want to. She was however, going to do it "tomorrow". I refrained from growling about how much I cared about "tomorrow" and said "yes Mistress!" instead, which usually is the safer choice. We cuddled, and she stroked me and petted me until I was all blissed out by good feelings and felt very calm and satisfied anyway, without any pain whatsoever.

Then, today, I sat through my exam in the morning (the last one I'll ever take hopefully) and when I came home we cuddled, and after a while Mistress said that she was planning to beat me. And I cuddled up to her and asked if we couldn't just "cuddle without clothes on for a while" first (read "instead").

Mistress said she didn't feel like taking her clothes off, it felt like to much work and I threw a pillow at her... And then I proposed that it was fine if we just cuddled, it was perfectly good even with clothes. I snuggled up to her, and whispered in to her arm that honestly, I was feeling a bit afraid and really didn't felt like being spanked any more. "That's ok" she answered "you don't have to feel like it."

And then she made me lay on my stomach on the bed, taped my arms and legs to the bedposts and beat me with the tawse and then, grumbling over not being able to draw blood, she switched to the horse whip. Oh, and she stuffed a gag ball in my mouth too, "so I don't have to worry about you disturbing the neighbours".

Yeah. It really doesn't matter whether I feel like it or not. And the secret? The moment she said that I was instantly horny and so very, very submissive. That's the best part of it. That I can't decide what she'll do and when she'll do it. On the one hand, I really do want the things I ask for, and really don't want the things I'm afraid of or don't want, but on the other hand, what I most of all want is to not being able or allowed to decide that. I guess that's kind of a win-win for both of us.

She did drew blood, eventually. She likes to stop at that point. For me, I'm so far gone by then that she could go on forever as far as I'm concerned. Times stops and everything is an endless, hurtful, wonderful, all encompassing now. I guess that's the part I'm longing for when I'm begging her to beat me.

(The exam? I think it went just fine. They usually do.)

Busy little bee

Today I have:
1) Had an emotionally taxing meeting with one of the teachers at my daughters pre-school early in the morning, trying to convey the message that something's wrong and that even if the symtoms only manifests at home that doesn't mean the problem can't be present at the pre-school too. And trying to handle the frustration that comes from being treated as someone who doesn't know anything about kid's normal development, when I do. Bleergh.

2) Gone home and studied for exam on Thursday.

3) Gotten on a bus to get to a lunch meeting

4) Had a lunch meeting in a noisy and crowded café (bad choice, wont go there again) and discussed the thesis (or paper? or exam paper? I have no idea.) me and a colleague are going to spend the whole of next term writing.

5) Had to hurry away from there to go to a mandatory seminar, that went on for an hour (during which time I knitted frenetically because I was so tense and worked up).

6) Only to take the bus home, fetch the stroller, walk the kilometre to the pre-school, dress the little squirrel and drive her home in half a metre of snow and more coming all the time, and eat dinner.

7) Collapsed.

8) Oh, and had my mother over for said dinner, and for playtime with the happy little squirrel, who choose to top it all off with parting advice about us not getting any more babies, since "you seemed to think it was so much hard work the last time". Yeah. Thank you. Not a dilemma I'm planning on solving this very minute, thank you very much.

And in a way I know this day on the one hand would have been a bit much for anyone, but also that on the other hand most people with jobs and kids do these kinds of things on a regular basis. But that has really no bearing on what this means to me.

For me, this is... amazing. Unheard of. I haven't been this active and productive in about a year, and even then it was under duress and with a feeling of dread and exhaustion. Now I'm tired, and a bit high-strung, but I don't feel like killing myself (or anyone else) and I'm not falling asleep on the couch.

I am getting better.

My only worry right now is that I will be a walking corpse tomorrow, cognitive-wise, not to mention Thursday, when the exam is. But I'll deal with that then.

I'm guessing my chance of making Mistress hurt me in any nice way is pretty slim - she didn't sleep well last night, and she's still at her computer working now, even though it's soon past eight. But I'll give it a shot. The thing I long for most of all right now is being tied down and floating away on happy pain-endorphins.

Or maybe I'll just have to go to sleep like a normal person.