Preparations

"latex model sweden teapot tattoo" was a search term someone used on google and got this blog as a hit. I guess whomever that was must be disappointed. The only thing there is about latex here is references to me being allergic.

But I guess there's probably a gorgeous model photo shoot out there with a girl in latex who has a teapot tattoo.

I want a chain tattoo, around my left ankle, in all the colours of the rainbow and with a golden heart shaped padlock on the inside of the leg, just between the malleous and the Achille's tendon. Only that requires me to actually take some initiative, like going in to the tattoo parlour I pass every time I go and get milk in the grocery store and book an appointment. For something I've been wanting for like two years, I'm showing a remarkable lack of actual action.

I think part of me is hesitant simply because I want it as a symbol for Mistress ownership over me, or maybe as a symbol of the life I lead and the person I am now, and have a hard time getting over the idea that it's her who should be doing the booking.

But Mistress isn't very inclined to book appointments at tattoo places. Not only do they intimidate both her and me, I think she's simply to busy with the everyday stuff. It's a long standing division of labour between us - handling the visionary, the stuff born from imagination, the dream and the future, is often my job. I'm the one who is supposed to lobby for the fun stuff - she decides what we'll do and makes it happen. So if I'm hesitant, nothing much is going to happen.

We had set a date for our ceremony in March. It came and went without much comment. One of the reasons, the main one, is that we've been crazy busy. Another one, I think, is that again, we're both a little intimidated. I know I am. I want it to be just right, but I'm extremely shy and a little embarrassed, and it's just... going slow.

But at the same time, I think we're preparing on the quiet. All this cutting me, for example, came about when we talked about her drawing blood from me and her during the ceremony. How much blood? From where? With what? Wont it get infected? Does she know how to do it?

Well, now she has two cool knifes, we know she can do it, and that it heals pretty fast and the risk for infection is low. If it was actual preparation, I would mark it on a list. As it is, I mark it on a list in my head.

I'm actually wearing the collar now, too. Not instead of a ceremony, but... in waiting for one. I sleep collared, but after two years of wear, the dog collar I used to have fell apart. Dogs don't sweat, but humans do, and eventually it didn't hold up. Instead of buying a new temporary one she used the permanent one over a weekend, and in the end neither one of us wanted her to take it off.

I think that was another thing about the ceremony - what if she puts this fancy collar on me with all sorts of pomp and circumstance, and then it turns out that it hurts me, for example? Or people point and stare? Or it starts... I don't know, rusting? That was another worry, would the collar in question actually work for permanent use?

It does. I've had it on me for a couple of weeks now, and I love it. I usually don't notice it, but when I do it gives me this great feeling of belonging and safety. I've been waiting for comments, from class mates or family or friends, but there has been none. I want to think it's because it looks so right were it is, as if it's always been there (in a more symbolic way, it has been there for the last five or six years or so...)

Another thing I've been doing is practising a song. There's this song written by a Swedish comedian, author and LGBT-activist named Jonas Gardell that I love, and that I suddenly decided I want to sing to Mistress at the ceremony. I can't actually think of something more horrifying, being cut up and vouching away my freedom forever is nothing compared to me trying to sing in public, but if for no other reason than that, I'm going to do it. I want the song sung to her, and it doesn't make sense from someone else than me.

So I practice - I listen to it, and then I record my own feeble attempts and listen back to it, trying to adjust and correct each time. When I grew up I was told and believed I was one of those persons that "can't sing". Now as an adult I know there is no such persons, but not having tried it for most of my life is a definite disadvantage. But since little S came along I've been singing and singing and singing every day, and to a very forgiving audience, and now I think I can sing. A little bit. At least I don't shatter glass.

Or maybe we'll only invite people who are tone deaf? Or completely dead. Or maybe I'll just chicken out and read the whole thing instead. But anyway, preparations are going ahead. On the quiet.

A night out

Yesterday, I took my collar for a walk. That is, there was a meeting of poly folks at a nice pub down town and Mistress gave me permission to attend. I think she would very much have liked to come too, but someone had to stay home with little S, and in regards to who of us will most enjoy an outing mingling alone in a new social context, it's not even a competition. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have want to go alone, but I missed here there with me.

Mistress is an introvert, in that she needs to have energy to have any fun meeting people. When she does, she's funny and outgoing and a good conversationalist. But if she's not feeling her best, she doesn't want to meet people. I on the other hand need to meet people to feel my best. I get energy from things like yesterday. If I don't get to do it, I wilt.

The problem is that neither of us likes to be separated. I like to meet new people, but I prefer to have Mistress there with me. And Mistress likes me to meet new people, but want to be there with me or have me stay at home and keep her company if she doesn't feel like it. This wouldn't really be a problem if it wasn't for the fact that we're parents and more or less work shifts and rarely can do stuff together outside of the home. And that we're constantly exhausted, which makes the conditions needed for Mistress to feel sociable very rare.

So I'm glad I was allowed to go alone. Because I need things like this to feel happy and stay healthy. Depression is a bitch, and one of the ways for me to fight it is to laugh among friends and talk with other people. If I feel lonely or cut off or isolated, the dark and heavy thoughts take over.

I had a really good time. My friend I. was there, and well, basically all the people she has sex with, wants to have sex with or have had sex with. And around 25 other people, but I didn't talk to them. A good friend from my program at the university was there too, with her boyfriend and their two year old. I felt safe and appreciated and accepted. It was great to be able to meet people and really feel like myself.

Anyone who noticed my collar said something nice about it. My friend I. and another friend who I've known for ten years or so, D., got to read the back side of the tablet too, that felt special and a bit embarrassing, but not in a bad way. I declared that I would never ever read it out loud, after which D. claimed to be unable to read it at all and tried to cajole me into reading it out loud.

It turned out that even though I feel secure and safe and liked, I still get mouthy and uppity if anyone tries to dominate me or order me around. It's not that I don't like it. I do like it, actually. But I'm not sure if anyone would think I do, because I can't seem to help myself, I always have a witty comeback and a way of getting the upper hand. Or at least not allowing anyone else to get the upper hand. But at least it's nice when I don't feel threatened or afraid, when it's done in humour and when I know that it's not impossible that I would yield and that nothing bad would happen if I did.

I told I. and D. about the ceremony Mistress and me would like to have, to formally collar me in front of witnesses, and both seemed to understand the idea and said that they would be honoured to attend. That warmed my heart. I feel much more secure now in actually going through with it. It has felt a little daunting trying to explain to people what it is we're doing, and of course some part of me always worry that either no one will want to come, or that we'll be laughed at or misunderstood. But those fears are pretty much laid to rest now.

Before we always thought that we would do it at a kink-event, most probably at the girls only BDSM-club we go to sometimes. But now when I feel bolder, I've been thinking that maybe we should just do it here in our apartment. That has the advantage of us being able to set the date more freely, and also not have to hassle about our male friends. That's the biggest drawback to the club plan - that there's a handful of guys that we would probably want to have on the guest list.

Aaaah! Guest list! Now I'm getting all nervous....

Being collared?

Mistress got me a collar a few months ago. A permanent collar, from http://wyredslave.com/. It's shiny and pretty and has a beautiful tablet with an inscription on it reading "Amor vincit omnia" on one side and "This slut is the property of X X" on the other. (Well, not XX - but Mistress' initials and last name.)

She got it meaning she ordered it and paid for it and tried it on me and then put it in a box awaiting... something.

Well, first awaiting a good opportunity to hold a small ceremony with us exchanging vows in the presence of a few of our friends. But then, when the opportunities went by without us doing anything about it, it turned out to be a wait for my mood to stabilise. Depression and starting up life long commitments doesn't really mesh, in Mistress opinion, and I found it hard to disagree. (Or at least to disagree on any reasonable grounds.)

But as my mood has lightened this waiting thing has gotten old. I want a date! I want something, something to hang on to, something to make me believe that it's really going to happen.

We talked about it, and Mistress took out the box and looked at the pretty, shiny necklace, and we realised that one reason for the waiting game is the collar itself. It's shiny. And big. And stiff. And not even remotely discreet. I think both me and Mistress feels a little bit hesitant about the comments and looks I'll get, especially from our parents.

But now she has tried it on me. We skipped the part of keeping it secret and sacred until the ceremony, and  decided that a more gradual approach works better for us. She put it on me yesterday in front of the TV in the evening, and it was wonderful. I slept in it, which worked just fine, and now she's put it on me again and spanked and fucked me while I was wearing it - non-surprisingly, it didn't interfere with either.

And most of all, I think we both get a chance to get used to the look of it, the feel of it. Once we're sure that we like it, I don't think others comments will affect us at all. But it takes a little bit of getting used to.

Still tired

Yesterday was a hard day. The clock was set back this weekend, and the change in schedule messes with all of us in the family. I think that was one of the reasons I was really really tired. And we had a busy week before that, a fun week but a busy one. We only had the one night in together, for the rest there was me going do the dojo for ju-jutsu, Mistress being a work event, me going to a party and so on.

And yesterday I started my week with four hours of lecture, from 8 to 12. Then I had a therapy client at four thirty and in between I had to get down town to leave my bike off for service. All of these things were essential, non-negotiable. Usually I would skip an hour or two from a four hour lecture, because my head really can't take that, but this was the first and only lecture in a five-week course, and we're only eight people there. Me leaving would have been noticed, one might say.

I was dead tired already when I got up, and took two of my anxiety pills even before leaving the apartment. It's no fun bicycling through the town and especially up the big hill in the middle during an anxiety attack. I didn't start to feel better until half way through the first hour, and then I got exhausted instead, and was about to fall asleep throughout the lecture.

The anxiety stayed with me all day, and it was raining and the cycle repair shop was closed and everything seemed to go wrong. And eventually Mistress sent me a text asking if I was angry or unsure of her or what was the problem because I was addressing her in an unusual manner. I looked through my texts from the day and realised I hadn't called her "Mistress" once. There were a lot of "Kiss!" and one "I love you!" but no "yes Mistress" or "thank you Mistress".

Sometimes she's very perceptive. And yes, there was something wrong. Not between her and me, but between my ears. I was all caught up in angst and exhaustion, and in order to get through the day I shut down. I do that sometimes, when I'm overwhelmed. And apparently calling her "Mistress" is not something I do just because, or without thinking. It's a conscious act of submitting and connecting, and when I'm shut down I'm neither submissive nor connecting. I'm on autopilot, and not very nice at all.

I'm glad she caught me. I'm glad she gave me the opportunity to feel inside and to explain and to fall into her arms once I got home. And then I ditched the ju-jutsu and crawled in to her lap and spent the evening collared and with my head on her chest watching teve.

Today all I've got is a client in the afternoon. The rest of the day is spent on the sofa. I was out running for a short spell too, and now it's lunchtime.

I think it's safe to say that I'm not well yet, and that I have a long way to go before my capacity is back up to normal. And even then my normal doesn't really look like anyone else's normal.

Being punished?

Late at evening yesterday while Mistress brushed her teeth, I crawled in to the bed, and only halfway remembered that I hadn't asked permission to do so. When she stepped in to the room I was sitting up, legs covered by the duvet, naked. "May I go to bed, Mistress?" I asked, the right wording, but totally wrong position.

"No, you may not" she answered, and I got my self up a little grudgingly and went over to her so that she could put the dog collar around my neck. "Bend over" she said and had me standing by the end of the bed with my hands on the mattress, and my butt sticking up. I stood with my feet firmly together and looked down on my toes. She pulled my panties upwards, and started to whip my ass cheeks with a belt she'd found hanging over the wardrobe door.

And I guess this was a punishment. There's some discussions going on on FetLife on punishments and what type of punishment people use and what differentiate punishment from "funishment" and some people say things like "I can't be punished with pain because I'm a masochist" or "I'm a masochist but the punishments are way more than I like" or, the all time favorite "I don't get punished because I'm not a child"... Love that one.

Anyway, nothing of that fits when it comes to us. I'm a masochist and a painslut and pain and corporeal punishment works just fine as a deterrent for me. But that doesn't mean I get overly harsh corrections. The things Mistress does to show me my place is typically less severe than what we do in a more playful mood.

Yesterday she whipped me hard, but not extremely in any way, I might gotten slightly reddish but nothing more than that. It hurt, a lot, but I liked it. It was dominant. It was sexy. It made me feel owned and cared for and appreciated. I made me feel sexy. It reminded me of her power, and of our respective places in our relationships. And it reminded me not to get in to the bed without asking permission first.

That's the thing. I might very well actually in some ways enjoy the things she does to remind me and correct me, even while she's doing them. I might appreciate the dominance and the sexiness and the safety that gives me. That, however, doesn't take away from the fact that it also serves to remind me of a rule and ensure that I keep following it. The same action might have several functions, that do not diminish each other.

Afterwards she told me to get up and did give me permission to go to bed, and I thanked her, first immediately while I curtsied and respectfully said "thank you, Mistress" but also later, in bed, while we were spooning and about to go to sleep. I thank her for taking care of me, for caring about me, for caring about us and, maybe, simply for being who she is and doing what she wants to do. I love that she can beat me whenever she want to, and when she thinks I deserve it and when she doesn't care if I've deserved it or not, simply because she likes it. I love belonging to her. Maybe that's the part I like about punishment, even if I at the same time try to avoid it as best as I can. 

Out of the woods

Something has changed. There's a shift, in energy, in awareness, in tone of voice and in the atmosphere. It's like we've passed out of the forest, and the sun came out. In a way, I'd say it's over (the fighting, the constant arguing).

Of course, this may be very premature, but I wouldn't be surprised if we passed this weekend without horrible arguments and strife. I think we've made it. And even if we do fall back into old habits, for now, it has changed. No matter what happens tomorrow, right now, this is true.

I don't want to snap at her all the time any more. And I don't. She seems calm and collected, and I don't feel like she's on my case all the time. I believe her when she says she's pleased with me. And I can endure it when she seems displeased. That's a new one.

I think I finally realised that I do trust her. Not only in the big things, but in the little ones too. I can let go. I can let her decide, and not fear that she'll get down on me for the outcome, whether good or bad.

Everythings feels softer now.

I kneel a lot more before her. I use Mistress a lot more often. I curtsy when I hand her things, almost all the time. It just feels right. Nothing forced or awkward, not expectations on how she's going to react. Just calmness and submission (yey! I'm feeling submissive again) and contentment.

*happy sigh*