And no, nothing can ever be good for longer than say five minutes. Bleergh.
I've screwed up, and it ended with us spending our night out yesterday, when we were supposed to celebrate our joint achievement and the merry times ahead, crying our eyes out as discreetly as possible over pints in a pub. Yey.
I like beer. It does not benefit from tears.
And now I just want to crawl away into some hole somewhere and bury myself in guilt and shame, but that would be stupid. I hurt Mistress, turns out I've hurt her several times over the last couple of years regarding the same issue, and I had no idea. We were so far from each other in our interpretations of the situation that it's not even funny.
We've got a dog. A five year old miniature pincher named Vilde, which is Swedish for Wild Thing. He's very aptly named, and when the kid was around a year old, we admitted defeat and left him at my in-laws place. He's been there ever since, even though we've made numerous attempts at bringing him home again. We go visit about every fortnight or so for a number of reasons, so it's not as if we've dumped him and forgotten about him, but still. He's not living at home.
And since I have no common sense and no impulse control (and have the papers to prove it, I might ad(h)d) I choose yesterday to bring this sore subject up again, declaring that I didn't think we would ever be able to take him home and that maybe it would be better to give up and start thinking about getting another dog. A nice one, one who doesn't bark incessantly and nips small kids in the face.
Which led to Mistress silently crying, staring out at the window and me feeling totally confused without any idea of what part of what I said was so horrible. I was even feeling kind of righteous - I was only trying to solve a problem that was obviously my responsibility, and I wanted to tell her that I gave up, that I admitted defeat and had failed. Why that would make her break down in tears was beyond me.
Did I mention the different interpretation thing? And how it so not funny? Not even a little bit, actually.
From Mistress point of view, I'm owned and collared. I've pledged allegiance to her countless times, and she's declared her intention to lead me and own me and take responsibility for our life together just as often. That should, one would think, mean that I would trust her to do that, and expect her to do that. That major problems in our life, for example who is and who isn't a part of our family, is up to her to figure out.
I on the other hand, has the default setting of "Much Fix All the Things!". The dog was her gift to me, I was the one convincing her that we should get him, I was the one calling breeders and arranging visits, I was the one who was at home with him for three months, who made him house broken and taught him to be home alone without barking or biting on stuff. I was the one who went to obedience classes with him. It was my responsibility. I was also the one who first said "this isn't working, we can't keep him, his not happy with us" - because it was my responsibility to make him happy with us, and I was the one failing at it.
All this time, all these years, I've taken my responsibility for the dog, and his place in our family, completely for granted. At the same time, Mistress has taken her responsibility for the situation equally for granted, and my attempts at "solving" or making decisions regarding it as usurping her. Every time I've said "nah, let's not do this, let's do this instead" or "maybe next month we could try again" or whatever, in her mind I've been telling her I don't trust her. That I don't trust her judgement, that I don't believe in her ability to make good decisions and make this right, and that her time is up - I'm done waiting for her and I'm taking it in my own hands.
That's what she's been thinking. And I had no idea. It didn't even occur to me that it would be possible that she didn't think that this was my mess and my job to solve it.
The fact that this is the same damn hole I keep falling in to, the Pit of Responsibility for Things that isn't Mine, doesn't make it feel even a little bit better.
She was right. I've screwed up. I've hurt her, I've hurt us, and it doesn't matter how sorry I am. What's done is done. I can't go back in time and make it right. I'm just sad, and have a hard time dealing with it.
Showing posts with label dogs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dogs. Show all posts
Jun 9, 2013
Feb 21, 2013
Solving a conflict
I made a mistake the other day.
I had a meeting yesterday with my thesis colleague and the person who's going to grade it in the end, to see if he would allow us to go forward with our idea for the study. He had expressed some doubts, we'd tried to rectify it, and then he had answered "this is so complicated I think I need to see you before I can agree to this". That scared us, badly - I had visions of not being allowed to continue, of being grilled about the statistics of the study (of which I know almost nothing) and about having to come up with a whole different concept.
In the end it turned out that he had misunderstood us, which says very bad things about our ability to convey our aim and methodology in text, but fortunately nothing about the design of our study or statistics, so we got a go-ahead and are finally approved for that part of the course. Yey!
But. We decided to hook up before the meeting, have lunch together and go through his comments and try to think of some answers. And I didn't tell Mistress.
To me, a meeting at one o'clock and deciding to have lunch before kind of equates. It means I'm booked for the lunch and the afternoon that day, and that I'll be away from home, and somehow I figured that was all Mistress needed to know. She, on the other hand, checked on the calendar that I had a meeting at one and thought that good, then I could go to the local vet and buy special kidney-friendly dog food, because they opened at twelve. And she declared that to me over breakfast, I panicked and spluttered and stammered and said that I already had a meeting at that time and couldn't do it, she got pissed off and glared at me - and here's where the interesting thing happened.
I mean, all of the above is just our normal day to day thing. She wants to keep track of me all the time, I try to oblige but routinely fails because... well, honestly, because of ADHD. Because I'm a scatterbrain. Because I make plans and then promptly forgets about them. This is nothing new, and not all that exciting.
But. When she gets pissed off like that, I have for years decided that she doesn't get pissed off in the right way. Yeah. I'm bright like that. She doesn't go all domly-dom on me, she doesn't correct me or yell at me, a lot of the time she doesn't event tell me what I've done wrong (okay, that part I think will always bother me, since I'm not telepathic). She gets mad, for real, and hurt, for real, and she shows it by withdrawing and disengaging. Not to punish me, simply because that's her genuine reaction when she's hurt and angry.
And it used to piss me off so bad. Because it makes me feel like my innards falls to the floor and someone electrocuted my brain - it's an instant break down of the whole system. Massive pain. And, naturally, feeling like that makes me panic, and when I panic I attack. So the process is usually like this: I fail at something she wants me to do - Mistress gets angry and hurt - I interpret that as a catastrophe, and lashes out at her - she gets defensive and withdraws - I get defensive and feel sorry for myself - we both feel miserable.
This time, when she said (! Not using not-working-telepathy!!) that she didn't like me not telling her about my plans, I simply said "you're right, I'm sorry." And then I said it a couple of more times, and eventually, I think she got that I really meant it and that it wasn't a preface to "...but really, it was your fault because you...!". It was my fault. It's not unfair of her to be displeased with me when I don't follow orders. She doesn't have a duty to show that displeasure in any certain way in order to make it less uncomfortable to me. It's my fault, and any aversive feelings her displeasure causes me is both inside me, not coming from her, and well-deserved rather than unfair.
Before she left, she gave me an slap and forgave me, and before she got home from work I'd managed to get to the vet before closing time and get the dog food. And we didn't fight and I again learned that it isn't the end of the world if I screw up and everything is so much easier if I just own up to my mistakes and don't fight it.
I had a meeting yesterday with my thesis colleague and the person who's going to grade it in the end, to see if he would allow us to go forward with our idea for the study. He had expressed some doubts, we'd tried to rectify it, and then he had answered "this is so complicated I think I need to see you before I can agree to this". That scared us, badly - I had visions of not being allowed to continue, of being grilled about the statistics of the study (of which I know almost nothing) and about having to come up with a whole different concept.
In the end it turned out that he had misunderstood us, which says very bad things about our ability to convey our aim and methodology in text, but fortunately nothing about the design of our study or statistics, so we got a go-ahead and are finally approved for that part of the course. Yey!
But. We decided to hook up before the meeting, have lunch together and go through his comments and try to think of some answers. And I didn't tell Mistress.
To me, a meeting at one o'clock and deciding to have lunch before kind of equates. It means I'm booked for the lunch and the afternoon that day, and that I'll be away from home, and somehow I figured that was all Mistress needed to know. She, on the other hand, checked on the calendar that I had a meeting at one and thought that good, then I could go to the local vet and buy special kidney-friendly dog food, because they opened at twelve. And she declared that to me over breakfast, I panicked and spluttered and stammered and said that I already had a meeting at that time and couldn't do it, she got pissed off and glared at me - and here's where the interesting thing happened.
I mean, all of the above is just our normal day to day thing. She wants to keep track of me all the time, I try to oblige but routinely fails because... well, honestly, because of ADHD. Because I'm a scatterbrain. Because I make plans and then promptly forgets about them. This is nothing new, and not all that exciting.
But. When she gets pissed off like that, I have for years decided that she doesn't get pissed off in the right way. Yeah. I'm bright like that. She doesn't go all domly-dom on me, she doesn't correct me or yell at me, a lot of the time she doesn't event tell me what I've done wrong (okay, that part I think will always bother me, since I'm not telepathic). She gets mad, for real, and hurt, for real, and she shows it by withdrawing and disengaging. Not to punish me, simply because that's her genuine reaction when she's hurt and angry.
And it used to piss me off so bad. Because it makes me feel like my innards falls to the floor and someone electrocuted my brain - it's an instant break down of the whole system. Massive pain. And, naturally, feeling like that makes me panic, and when I panic I attack. So the process is usually like this: I fail at something she wants me to do - Mistress gets angry and hurt - I interpret that as a catastrophe, and lashes out at her - she gets defensive and withdraws - I get defensive and feel sorry for myself - we both feel miserable.
This time, when she said (! Not using not-working-telepathy!!) that she didn't like me not telling her about my plans, I simply said "you're right, I'm sorry." And then I said it a couple of more times, and eventually, I think she got that I really meant it and that it wasn't a preface to "...but really, it was your fault because you...!". It was my fault. It's not unfair of her to be displeased with me when I don't follow orders. She doesn't have a duty to show that displeasure in any certain way in order to make it less uncomfortable to me. It's my fault, and any aversive feelings her displeasure causes me is both inside me, not coming from her, and well-deserved rather than unfair.
Before she left, she gave me an slap and forgave me, and before she got home from work I'd managed to get to the vet before closing time and get the dog food. And we didn't fight and I again learned that it isn't the end of the world if I screw up and everything is so much easier if I just own up to my mistakes and don't fight it.
Jun 14, 2012
Wooof!
I saw "the dog whisperer" this morning, some old episode. There's not much on at six thirty in the morning, and I take advantage of litte S' ten minute morning nursing to actually watch adult tv - hence Cesar Milan. Then it's kids stuff the rest of the morning. (Points for nursing - the little hyperactive bundle of nerves actually have to lie still and look inwards for a short while. That's gotta be good for her.)
This episode included a grumpy old bulldog, growling and biting and attacking at any signs of directions or influences from others. I'm so that bulldog!
There was a moment were the dog was growling furiously at it's owner, snapping in the air, and Ceasar makes everybody wait. Just wait. And the dog looks all baffled. It loses it's stride, there's noone to bite at, and the aggression turns to confusion.
Ok, then he pinns it by the ears and wrestle it down on the ground and he lost me, but that waiting, and the confusion in the poor angry dogs eyes, I could totally relate to.
The male owner tells him that he's been doing that and the only thing that happens is that the dog gets angrier. Yeah, says Cesar, 'cause it's a bulldog. It's bred for fighting. It will never give in, and if you hurt it, that will fuel the rage. If you sit on it and hurt it, it will fight forever. And then he holds the dog down by two fingers to the throat and strokes it gently, and afterwards it calmly waggles it's sturdy little rump in to the kitchen, which was the order it got so worked up about in the first place.
Actually, I do like this technique. On me. And ok, Cesar can do it too on dogs, I'm just not so fond of him trying to teach it to millions of people who isn't him and will screw it up (not to mention thin leashes behind the ears and all that potentially nerv damaging stuff).But the difference between force and domination? And the waiting while the dog bites at everything but an actual person? And the statement "he wants to follow, he just doesn't now how to"? Yeah! Good stuff! I wont be using it on my dog, but I will probably go around identifying with a grumpy bulldog all day.
http://www.petplanet.co.uk/petplanet/breeds/Bulldog.htm
This episode included a grumpy old bulldog, growling and biting and attacking at any signs of directions or influences from others. I'm so that bulldog!
There was a moment were the dog was growling furiously at it's owner, snapping in the air, and Ceasar makes everybody wait. Just wait. And the dog looks all baffled. It loses it's stride, there's noone to bite at, and the aggression turns to confusion.
Ok, then he pinns it by the ears and wrestle it down on the ground and he lost me, but that waiting, and the confusion in the poor angry dogs eyes, I could totally relate to.
The male owner tells him that he's been doing that and the only thing that happens is that the dog gets angrier. Yeah, says Cesar, 'cause it's a bulldog. It's bred for fighting. It will never give in, and if you hurt it, that will fuel the rage. If you sit on it and hurt it, it will fight forever. And then he holds the dog down by two fingers to the throat and strokes it gently, and afterwards it calmly waggles it's sturdy little rump in to the kitchen, which was the order it got so worked up about in the first place.
Actually, I do like this technique. On me. And ok, Cesar can do it too on dogs, I'm just not so fond of him trying to teach it to millions of people who isn't him and will screw it up (not to mention thin leashes behind the ears and all that potentially nerv damaging stuff).But the difference between force and domination? And the waiting while the dog bites at everything but an actual person? And the statement "he wants to follow, he just doesn't now how to"? Yeah! Good stuff! I wont be using it on my dog, but I will probably go around identifying with a grumpy bulldog all day.
http://www.petplanet.co.uk/petplanet/breeds/Bulldog.htm
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