Resolve

Mistress is going away again, for two nights this week. I'm okay with it, even though I don't like it of course. I have a very clear and unambiguous order for the three days she's gone: Be in better shape when she returns!

I've had a depression setback in November - it's dark, I have an never-ending cold and noone is calling back to my job applications. Unfortunately, the strategies I unconsciously applied to solve these issues only made them worse. I tried to ruminate and worry, which never works and just make me feel yucky, and then I had a lot of guilt and bad conscience that drove me to do a lot of presumably good stuff like cleaning and things; only when it's done out of guilt it never ends well. In the end, my brain started going the old depression route again, and  Mistress picked up on it because I started to snap and snarl at her a lot.

I do that - when I get depressed and stressed out and angsty, the mere effort of holding a conversation or eating breakfast feels like to much, and I start lashing out. Not all that much, I usually bites my tongue, but Mistress notices and it makes her grumpy in return, which all to often ends in arguing and bickering and general misery.

So. No more rumination or guilt trips. No compensating and trying to be a "good girl" just because I feel like a shitty one. Back to meditating regularly (wich I haven't been doing), walking and going to the gym, lunching with friends and generally doing all the things that I know makes me feel better, instead of things I'm driven to just to avoid feeling bad. Because that's not the same thing.

But I'll miss her. Like crazy.

A good call

Uhm... And then it turned out that well, I had jumped to conclusions and she had in fact kept her promise and not done "that thing". It was a misunderstanding, completely my fault too. So yeah... It only makes me glader I sat on my ass and wrote a semi-bitter blogpost about it instead of starting a fight.

In fact, when I had posted yesterday, I sat down and breathed and meditated a bit, and after a while I decided I'd rather sit with her than all alone in the living room, so I got out to where she was working at the kitchen table and simply sat down beside her, on my knees with my head in her lap.

And yes, when she finally stopped working and we were curled up together on the sofa, she asked me what was wrong and I said that I was upset and sad from before, and it was then I found out that my freak-out was completely unnecessary. It did make me a bit relieved still, especially about that broken-promise-thing, but it wasn't this big deal it would  have been if I hadn't already decided I could live with it.