Yesterday was a hard day. The clock was set back this weekend, and the change in schedule messes with all of us in the family. I think that was one of the reasons I was really really tired. And we had a busy week before that, a fun week but a busy one. We only had the one night in together, for the rest there was me going do the dojo for ju-jutsu, Mistress being a work event, me going to a party and so on.
And yesterday I started my week with four hours of lecture, from 8 to 12. Then I had a therapy client at four thirty and in between I had to get down town to leave my bike off for service. All of these things were essential, non-negotiable. Usually I would skip an hour or two from a four hour lecture, because my head really can't take that, but this was the first and only lecture in a five-week course, and we're only eight people there. Me leaving would have been noticed, one might say.
I was dead tired already when I got up, and took two of my anxiety pills even before leaving the apartment. It's no fun bicycling through the town and especially up the big hill in the middle during an anxiety attack. I didn't start to feel better until half way through the first hour, and then I got exhausted instead, and was about to fall asleep throughout the lecture.
The anxiety stayed with me all day, and it was raining and the cycle repair shop was closed and everything seemed to go wrong. And eventually Mistress sent me a text asking if I was angry or unsure of her or what was the problem because I was addressing her in an unusual manner. I looked through my texts from the day and realised I hadn't called her "Mistress" once. There were a lot of "Kiss!" and one "I love you!" but no "yes Mistress" or "thank you Mistress".
Sometimes she's very perceptive. And yes, there was something wrong. Not between her and me, but between my ears. I was all caught up in angst and exhaustion, and in order to get through the day I shut down. I do that sometimes, when I'm overwhelmed. And apparently calling her "Mistress" is not something I do just because, or without thinking. It's a conscious act of submitting and connecting, and when I'm shut down I'm neither submissive nor connecting. I'm on autopilot, and not very nice at all.
I'm glad she caught me. I'm glad she gave me the opportunity to feel inside and to explain and to fall into her arms once I got home. And then I ditched the ju-jutsu and crawled in to her lap and spent the evening collared and with my head on her chest watching teve.
Today all I've got is a client in the afternoon. The rest of the day is spent on the sofa. I was out running for a short spell too, and now it's lunchtime.
I think it's safe to say that I'm not well yet, and that I have a long way to go before my capacity is back up to normal. And even then my normal doesn't really look like anyone else's normal.
Oct 30, 2012
Oct 27, 2012
Me and my persona
I went my friend I.s place yesterday, she and her room mate had a house warming party, about four months after moving in together. My friend I. used to live there with her husband/Master, and kept the apartment after their divorce went through this spring.
He was there, actually, and so was a lot of people. Friends of I. and friends of her room mate. My friend I. has been hanging with a lot of poly folks for a while now, and BDSM people of course. Some where from that crowd, others were other acquaintances, some LARPers and a bunch of people I didn't know anything about.
It was a good party, and I enjoyed it, but I found myself spacing out now and then, even in the middle of conversations. It was like my energy level was to low or something. It was a crowded place, the volume was high and I think all the stimuli overwhelmed me a little.
It was also very strange to be there without Mistress. I talked to a friend about that, I joked that I hadn't been to a party without Mistress for the last ten years, but now that I think about it, I think it's an accurate description. The easy explanation is that we prefer to do things together, which is perfectly true.
But also, that we don't like to do things apart. If she'd been there, I could have taken a rest in her presence. Merely her being there would have made it easier for me, easier to sift through the crowd to the people I really liked to talk to, easier to sit tight and wait and not necessarily mingle every second, easier to have someone to focus on to make the noise and the chaos less distracting. I could have buried my face in her lap or her arms for a short spell and then continued to party with new found energy.
And when I got home she was completely awake and waiting for me in bed, even though it was late. Because she has trouble going to sleep without me. It's not that she mind that I'm doing fun stuff and she's not there - but I do think she mind going to bed without me there to cuddle with.
Another thing happened too, at the party. A guy there, slightly younger than me, tall, with his head shaved in a funny pattern, deliberately pushed all my submissive buttons. I can't describe it in any other way. When he introduced himself to me, he gave me his name, took my hand, stared down in to my eyes and said "But you can call me Master... I think." Such a cheesy line, such a stupid thing to say. But combined with the eye contact and his general charisma, sure, it worked. He got to me.
When I was younger, I was deadly afraid of anyone finding that button. I had a more or less rational fear of being made a fool of, of being taking advantage of, of being pushed in to do something embarrassing. Most of all I think I was afraid that some charismatic girl or guy would come along, make me submit, not want me and laugh at me. It was not a fear of being raped or used, but a fear of losing face, of revealing my true self and then being shunned and mocked.
So I put up a very brave, very strong and very tiresome façade. I don't think that many who met me at that time would have pegged me as submissive. I fought that side of me tooth and nail.
Later on, I admitted my submissive side, entered into a power exchange relationship, went to clubs and admitted the truth to a few select friends. But I was still very careful about my public persona, and I didn't let my guard down in public.
Nowadays it's a very deliberate process for me to let that guard down. I feel so much better and more whole and authentic if that side of me is mirrored in others behaviour towards me. I don't want to come through as strong, capable, self-sufficient any more. I'm happy if I can relax enough for my submissive side to shine through, if that part of me can be seen and validated.
So in a way I have opened up for the possibility of people doing what that guy did yesterday. It can be interpreted as a sign that I'm making progress in the process of being less guarded, less safe, less off-putting. That's a good thing, mostly. And I'm proud of myself that I'm not thinking "oh no, oh no, I have to change and put the guard up again immediately!". I'm not thinking that. If getting hit on in cheesy and not-so-subtle-ways by people with a dominant leaning is the price I have to pay, I consider that a bargain.
But it was unsettling. It was a bit fascinating to realise that the thing I've always feared could come true - some random guy could walk up to me, stare me down and have me yield to him. Because that was exactly what happened.
He didn't have much to show for his trouble, though. The only thing that happened was that I avoided him like the plague the rest of the evening. In the beginning he tried to talk to me a little, I answered politely but without eye-contact, and then I stayed clear of him. Whenever I looked around the room his eyes were on me, and that was really unsettling, but he laid off after a while.
I asked my friend I. about it, about what his deal was and she answered along the lines of "he does that to everyone, he's super-flirty and doesn't always know when to stop" and that made me feel better. More like he was simply doing his usual pick up-thing, than that he was interested in me as such. And I really didn't want him to be especially interested in me - the domination aspect aside, he really wasn't my type.
I actually like to be allowed to feel submissive, to be dominated by other people. That's the thing, I've realised that I appreciate being seen in that light. And, as I've always suspected, I am rather easy in that respect. But. I don't like being hit on and being demanded things from strangers, who hasn't yet found the way into my "good person" category. The rule is: First you show yourself as a sane, nice person with a winning personality, and then you start to boss me around in a light, caring way. And then you lay off and do not demand titles from me, or anything else from me, before checking with my Owner first (no one has ever done that, I'm not sure how that would be done in real life actually. But I would love for someone to try it. I bet Mistress would agree to almost anything just for the fun in seeing me go beet-red and want to run and hide out of sheer embarrassment).
I missed Mistress there. If she'd been with me, he wouldn't have done that, and if he had, I could have taken comfort with her. I think the being owned-part is a big part of why I dare to let my guard down more often now. I'm owned. No one is going to take me away or make me do things I don't want to or make me lose control, because that control is handed over to another. It doesn't matter how dominant or persuasive or charismatic someone else is, because I'm already taken.
I have a leash, and even though it allows me to submit if that is what I'm comfortable doing, it will be yanked the moment Mistress doesn't like what's going in. That's my safety net. That's my guard now. I don't have to show how big and strong and capable I am to keep myself safe - I can be weak and yielding and submissive, and trust that she protects me.
And if I look at the events yesterday, it did work. Yes that guy pushed my buttons, and he did manage to show himself dominant over me. Then I ignored him for the rest of the evening and had a good time talking with my friends. So even when something like that does happen, it doesn't have to be a problem besides me feeling uncomfortable for a while, and I really don't have to fear it. That's good to know.
He was there, actually, and so was a lot of people. Friends of I. and friends of her room mate. My friend I. has been hanging with a lot of poly folks for a while now, and BDSM people of course. Some where from that crowd, others were other acquaintances, some LARPers and a bunch of people I didn't know anything about.
It was a good party, and I enjoyed it, but I found myself spacing out now and then, even in the middle of conversations. It was like my energy level was to low or something. It was a crowded place, the volume was high and I think all the stimuli overwhelmed me a little.
It was also very strange to be there without Mistress. I talked to a friend about that, I joked that I hadn't been to a party without Mistress for the last ten years, but now that I think about it, I think it's an accurate description. The easy explanation is that we prefer to do things together, which is perfectly true.
But also, that we don't like to do things apart. If she'd been there, I could have taken a rest in her presence. Merely her being there would have made it easier for me, easier to sift through the crowd to the people I really liked to talk to, easier to sit tight and wait and not necessarily mingle every second, easier to have someone to focus on to make the noise and the chaos less distracting. I could have buried my face in her lap or her arms for a short spell and then continued to party with new found energy.
And when I got home she was completely awake and waiting for me in bed, even though it was late. Because she has trouble going to sleep without me. It's not that she mind that I'm doing fun stuff and she's not there - but I do think she mind going to bed without me there to cuddle with.
Another thing happened too, at the party. A guy there, slightly younger than me, tall, with his head shaved in a funny pattern, deliberately pushed all my submissive buttons. I can't describe it in any other way. When he introduced himself to me, he gave me his name, took my hand, stared down in to my eyes and said "But you can call me Master... I think." Such a cheesy line, such a stupid thing to say. But combined with the eye contact and his general charisma, sure, it worked. He got to me.
When I was younger, I was deadly afraid of anyone finding that button. I had a more or less rational fear of being made a fool of, of being taking advantage of, of being pushed in to do something embarrassing. Most of all I think I was afraid that some charismatic girl or guy would come along, make me submit, not want me and laugh at me. It was not a fear of being raped or used, but a fear of losing face, of revealing my true self and then being shunned and mocked.
So I put up a very brave, very strong and very tiresome façade. I don't think that many who met me at that time would have pegged me as submissive. I fought that side of me tooth and nail.
Later on, I admitted my submissive side, entered into a power exchange relationship, went to clubs and admitted the truth to a few select friends. But I was still very careful about my public persona, and I didn't let my guard down in public.
Nowadays it's a very deliberate process for me to let that guard down. I feel so much better and more whole and authentic if that side of me is mirrored in others behaviour towards me. I don't want to come through as strong, capable, self-sufficient any more. I'm happy if I can relax enough for my submissive side to shine through, if that part of me can be seen and validated.
So in a way I have opened up for the possibility of people doing what that guy did yesterday. It can be interpreted as a sign that I'm making progress in the process of being less guarded, less safe, less off-putting. That's a good thing, mostly. And I'm proud of myself that I'm not thinking "oh no, oh no, I have to change and put the guard up again immediately!". I'm not thinking that. If getting hit on in cheesy and not-so-subtle-ways by people with a dominant leaning is the price I have to pay, I consider that a bargain.
But it was unsettling. It was a bit fascinating to realise that the thing I've always feared could come true - some random guy could walk up to me, stare me down and have me yield to him. Because that was exactly what happened.
He didn't have much to show for his trouble, though. The only thing that happened was that I avoided him like the plague the rest of the evening. In the beginning he tried to talk to me a little, I answered politely but without eye-contact, and then I stayed clear of him. Whenever I looked around the room his eyes were on me, and that was really unsettling, but he laid off after a while.
I asked my friend I. about it, about what his deal was and she answered along the lines of "he does that to everyone, he's super-flirty and doesn't always know when to stop" and that made me feel better. More like he was simply doing his usual pick up-thing, than that he was interested in me as such. And I really didn't want him to be especially interested in me - the domination aspect aside, he really wasn't my type.
I actually like to be allowed to feel submissive, to be dominated by other people. That's the thing, I've realised that I appreciate being seen in that light. And, as I've always suspected, I am rather easy in that respect. But. I don't like being hit on and being demanded things from strangers, who hasn't yet found the way into my "good person" category. The rule is: First you show yourself as a sane, nice person with a winning personality, and then you start to boss me around in a light, caring way. And then you lay off and do not demand titles from me, or anything else from me, before checking with my Owner first (no one has ever done that, I'm not sure how that would be done in real life actually. But I would love for someone to try it. I bet Mistress would agree to almost anything just for the fun in seeing me go beet-red and want to run and hide out of sheer embarrassment).
I missed Mistress there. If she'd been with me, he wouldn't have done that, and if he had, I could have taken comfort with her. I think the being owned-part is a big part of why I dare to let my guard down more often now. I'm owned. No one is going to take me away or make me do things I don't want to or make me lose control, because that control is handed over to another. It doesn't matter how dominant or persuasive or charismatic someone else is, because I'm already taken.
I have a leash, and even though it allows me to submit if that is what I'm comfortable doing, it will be yanked the moment Mistress doesn't like what's going in. That's my safety net. That's my guard now. I don't have to show how big and strong and capable I am to keep myself safe - I can be weak and yielding and submissive, and trust that she protects me.
And if I look at the events yesterday, it did work. Yes that guy pushed my buttons, and he did manage to show himself dominant over me. Then I ignored him for the rest of the evening and had a good time talking with my friends. So even when something like that does happen, it doesn't have to be a problem besides me feeling uncomfortable for a while, and I really don't have to fear it. That's good to know.
Oct 25, 2012
Trust and things
The thing is, I'm deadly afraid to lose her. That's the fear that drives me when I get angsty. That she'll leave me, that I wont be good enough for her, that she'll decide she doesn't want me any more. Being sick makes me more of a burden, at the same time as this particular sickness (depression) makes thoughts like that seem real and plausible. That's kind of what depression does.
But I fear too that I'll lose her to illness. That the burden of taking care of me and little S and her job and not having enough fun things in her life will make her depressed too, or exhausted. That she'll drift away from me, not by intention but because of fatigue. That the sheer effort to put one foot before the other will take all her energy and there will be nothing left to me. Like I was this summer.
So when she express thoughts about being unhappy, about not getting enough of the things she needs (like sleep, or time for herself, or time and energy to exercise) it makes me really really afraid, and really really motivated to do something about it. And when she doesn't respond to all my helpful suggestions and doesn't follow through on my excellent (in my view) plans, I get frantic and frustrated.
And there I go again, taking responsibility for things that's not mine. I don't own that. She does.
If she tells me what's going on with her, it will ease my worries and make me feel more in control, and it will also let her take advantage of my perspective and experience. So that's generally a good thing. But she doesn't have to do that. She has every right to solve this problem the way she sees fit, involving me as much or as little as she likes.
And even though the depression keeps screaming other things in my ears, as long as she doesn't say anything else, my primary job is still 1) manage school and 2) get better. "Overseeing and managing Mistress health and make her tell everything so that I can have control" is not even on the list. It's on a different list. A black one. Crossed out.
I just have to trust her.I don't get why that's so god damn hard.
But I fear too that I'll lose her to illness. That the burden of taking care of me and little S and her job and not having enough fun things in her life will make her depressed too, or exhausted. That she'll drift away from me, not by intention but because of fatigue. That the sheer effort to put one foot before the other will take all her energy and there will be nothing left to me. Like I was this summer.
So when she express thoughts about being unhappy, about not getting enough of the things she needs (like sleep, or time for herself, or time and energy to exercise) it makes me really really afraid, and really really motivated to do something about it. And when she doesn't respond to all my helpful suggestions and doesn't follow through on my excellent (in my view) plans, I get frantic and frustrated.
And there I go again, taking responsibility for things that's not mine. I don't own that. She does.
If she tells me what's going on with her, it will ease my worries and make me feel more in control, and it will also let her take advantage of my perspective and experience. So that's generally a good thing. But she doesn't have to do that. She has every right to solve this problem the way she sees fit, involving me as much or as little as she likes.
And even though the depression keeps screaming other things in my ears, as long as she doesn't say anything else, my primary job is still 1) manage school and 2) get better. "Overseeing and managing Mistress health and make her tell everything so that I can have control" is not even on the list. It's on a different list. A black one. Crossed out.
I just have to trust her.I don't get why that's so god damn hard.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)