Collar revealed

We had vanilla friends, a married couple with two sons over for barbecue tonight, and as we were preparing things outside when they had arrived, my friend commented on my necklace. "That's pretty" she said, "but it looks like a wire." I agreed and remarked that it actually was a wire, stripped of plastic and polished. "I like that it's kind of glittery" I said, and she pressed on with a comment about how it looked like a chain, as if it was locked on to me, "to keep you in check". When I answered non-committally, she said "like something kinky". And then I caved.

"Yes" I said, and when I wasn't sure she had got it I repeated myself "yes, actually precisely like that. That's how it is. Yes." She laughed a little and hummed and hawed and then we changed the subject easily, without too much embarrassment. She didn't ask anything more and even though I would have answered any questions gladly this wasn't the time nor the place.

I hope she'll bring it up some other time, because I would love to talk to her about it. I would love for more of our friends, especially close, long-time friends like these people, to know the truth about me and Mistress and what the deal between us actually is like. But I wont press it. I'll wait for her to fish for it, I don't want to give her information she'd have preferred not to know.

She's the only one so far to comment on my collar without knowing anything about it in advance. And it made me really happy. I like my collar and I'm proud of it - if the world was a different place, I would have loved for anyone who saw it to know what it meant. As it is, I only answer if people come right out and ask. But if they do, I'll tell the truth.

Not a bad Sunday

We had a shaky start this morning, little S woke up with an eye infection which meant that our afternoon of babyfree time was threatened. Luckily it turned out that grandma was fine with hanging out with a little red eyed monster, but before we knew that the idea of another weekend comprised entirely of watching kid and working made the mood a little bleak.

I pick up on Mistress mood so goddamn strong and quick. Especially when I'm in the state I'm in now, overworked and overstressed and generally out of sorts. Her grumpiness gives me angst, and this morning I simply gave some excuse after breakfast and shut myself in the bedroom, curled up under the covers and tried to concentrate on counting my breaths and waiting for the panic to abate. It's a really unpleasant feeling, even though it helps knowing that it's not dangerous and that there's nothing really wrong except for me being to tired.

We had a nice outing before lunch, looking for a pair of joggers for little S. Unfortunately she's in a stage right now when she's realised that she's a girl, caught on to the idea that girls should have pink glitter on everything (not shared by either of her moms) and refusing every one of the sensible, multicoloured, good-for-running shoes we picked out. We, on the other hand, absolutely refused the glittery pink sandals she voted for. We'll give it another try tomorrow - some store somewhere must have realised that it's a good idea to make sensible, strong, practical shoes for three-year-olds and then colour them pink and put a lot of glitter on them. I would, if I made kids' shoes.

And then, finally, Mistress took little S on her bike to grandma, and when she returned we had coffee and ice cream on the patio, and it was warm and sunny for the first time this year, and afterwards we just went and layed down in bed together. And fell asleep. I think we were tired.

Mistress woke me up after a bit, and had decided that I would stay where I was, while she went to work at the computer beside the bed. She tied me up securely on my side, and left me there, to rest and slumber and wait for her. It was wonderful. I slept so good, and every time I drifted awake again I could feel the rope against me, knowing that there were nowhere else for me to be, and hearing her clattering on the computer. I was laying in a sun spot on the bed and it all felt so very very luxurious.

And then she got her strap on and fucked me silly 'til we both came.

All in all, a very good Sunday. And next week Mistress' deadline will have past and she'll get back to a more reasonable working schedule instead of the crazy one she's had for the last week. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to that.

 

Being tied up for over and hour gave me very pretty rope marks too. There's some spots there I even think will bruise and stay for awhile. It's like jewellery, in a way. 

A ray of sunshine

And after a day of staying at home, doing things at my own pace, taking a much needed nap before lunch and in general lounging about, I take a shower and when I look at myself in the mirror, I look pretty. Imagine that!

Taking a break

I have only a few tasks today. I'm going to apply for a few jobs, I haven't decided how many yet. Not more than three, but only if I find three that I really want. We're not desperate yet, I can hold off applying for anything with a salary till after the summer.

And then I'm going to go out jogging for a bit. And pick up my meds from the pharmacy. That's it.

Okay, job applying is quite a chore, but I don't have to go anywhere. I don't have things interrupting me. I can call friends if I like, but I'm not seeing anyone or doing anything today.

Oh my God how I need this!

I actually had an exam today. But I haven't had time to study, and my brain is in such a bad state right now Mistress decided my time was better spent at home, recuperating and job hunting. There's another go at the exam in the end of May, I'll take it then instead.

Right now, it's quiet around me. Bliss.

(And little S didn't wake Mistress up at all during the night, we actually woke up before she called for Mommy! I got to snuggle with my wife before breakfast! Best morning ever!)

Brainy

It's mostly just work and stress around here. There's some good bits tucked in here and there too, but I'm usually to tired to write about them.

Or tired or something. I say "tired" but it's not in the usual sense. It's not sleepiness, nor is it physical exhaustion. It's... it's like the check engine light in the car has started to blink and all of a sudden there's a weird burnt smell and some kind of funny noise is coming from under the hood. If, that is, my brain was a car.

I stop functioning. It was like that all the time a year or so ago, especially in the summer and fall, but it's getting progressively better. But even if the amount of cognitive tasks I can perform each day without the whole system going hay-wire has increased, it's still limited. The combination of a lot of school work and Mistress working like a crazy person the last couple of weeks has emptied out any and all reserves. Again, my brain is broken.

I broke my brain!! Aaaaahhhhh!!

But of course I didn't. The brain is a splendid thing, and it's both plastic and repairable. But right now, it needs repairing. It needs calm and quite and an absence of pressure or demands, and not to much stress in the executive functioning area.

Mistress talked to her mother yesterday and mentioned the stress we're under, and she answered "well, you'll have to relax during the weekend."

Yeah. I think that very much highlights the problem. Relax during the weekend? How?

Little S still wakes Mistress up at six o'clock. At weekends we don't have pre-school, which means we take turns taking care of the kid all day - a job that is far more nerve-wracking, exhausting and stressful than anything we do during week days. If we want to see each other at all we also have to both be out and about at play grounds or play dates or doing Play-Dooh in the kitchen, since that's where the kid is. It might be fun, and I love our kid, but relaxing? Not so much.

And since even with working at evenings can't get what we need done, we usually spend the time not taking care of kid working. Or at least Mistress does. I tend to just veg out, but that time is not nearly enough for any real recuperation, and also, it's not filled with anything.

It's rest, but if my life only revolves around hard work that destroys my brain, or empty rest, devoid of amusement, social life or meaningful activity, then I get depressed. It's not rocket science. The surest way to make you feel like there's nothing fun in your life is to lead a life without anything fun in it.

But okay, that's unfair, I do have fun things in my life. I'm just a little too tired or brain-fucked right now. I love playing with little S. I love doing fun stuff with her, going places with her, I love reading to her and playing games with her, and cuddling and tickling her. It's not all stress and a burden - it's a lot of fun and love and happiness too. It's just more so when my brain isn't fried.

And me and Mistress do get time together every day, we usually hangs out in front of the television an hour or so every night. And we have nice family breakfasts every morning, and sometimes we even get to talk to each other during those...

And I actually like my school work right now. I like doing a project, and I like writing this thesis. But it's hard work, and at the same time that I like doing it, it scares me. There's a lot of stress just around the idea that we might somehow fail. I don't think we will, but there's still this feeling of fear and apprehension, of performance anxiety.

I'm going to rest my head now. Obviously, blogging is hard work too, says my brain.

Giving things up

I just wrote a very sad email. A friend had asked, several times actually, if we wanted to come to the LARP she's organising this spring. I've been avoiding giving her an answer, but today I did. I wrote and said no thank you. We simply can't. And the moment I hit the send button, my heart felt like it was bursting.

I want to!! I want to keep my friends! I want to go to LARPs! I want to fantasize, roleplay, sleep in the woods and cook over an open fire. I want to wear the outfits I've sewn myself and for a moment, a few hours or a few days, enter a different reality, become someone else. I want that!

But I know that whatever I might fantasize about now, the last ten times we've tried it I haven't really been up for it. Sometimes I've skipped out in the last minute (a shitty thing to do) and sometimes I've gone through with it, out of duty more than enjoyment, and not gotten that much out of it.

I'm afraid that if we ever do have the time and energy again that all our friends will have forgotten us. Forgotten me. They do a hundred fun things every week (so I read on Facebook) and I don't. I'm not there. For the first few years I always thought that well, they'll be there when I get back to it, but I wonder how long that window will stay open? How long before any attempt to rejoin the ranks would be met with "who are you?"

And at the same time I simply can't work up enough enthusiasm about it. I like being home at the evening at week nights. I don't like going out after dinner, I'm tired and I want to be with Mistress the few hours we have alone together. I can go out, but the truth is I don't want to.

And our weekends are hard work taking care of little S. We've tried, numerous times, to bring her to things we enjoy, but she doesn't enjoy them and that ruins it for us. Of course we can go to a meeting and have her with us - but at least one of us will spend the entire time focusing on her, because otherwise she'll either destroy something, throw a tantrum or disappear, and that's not much of a meeting.

The truth is that the free time we do get we need to spend in a way that gives immediate satisfaction. Not planning for fun things that are going to happen in three months - we can't afford that. We need things that are fun now.

And I do get to see friends. The few I have that are 1) not super busy having a life and a hobby and not have time for me or living in a different city and 2) those that I've come close enough to actually call without anything specific in mind, those that want to go grab a coffee with me in particular, those that I can talk to about anything and nothing and simply enjoy the company of. I have those, and maybe the thing is that that is enough.

And also, the Master thesis. For once I'm doing a project at school. School takes up most of my energy not spent on little S, and that means I don't have much left. I actually enjoy what we're doing right now, but it drains me. I come home and I mostly want to sleep. Or kill things on the Playstation.

I don't know. I guess it's not the end of the world if I'm not one of the cool kids and all my acquaintances forget about me. Maybe what I'm grieving is a phase in my life that is over? LARPing saved my life (literary - it was at one of those times during my upbringing when I was a the brink of suicide) when I was seventeen, and has been my main thing in life until now. Or maybe until a couple of years ago.

Maybe I'm growing up - prioritising home life, school and job application, being a mom and having a nice home, over hobby and projects. I don't know. And I don't know whether it's a good thing or not. It is as it is, I guess, for the time being.

Preparations

"latex model sweden teapot tattoo" was a search term someone used on google and got this blog as a hit. I guess whomever that was must be disappointed. The only thing there is about latex here is references to me being allergic.

But I guess there's probably a gorgeous model photo shoot out there with a girl in latex who has a teapot tattoo.

I want a chain tattoo, around my left ankle, in all the colours of the rainbow and with a golden heart shaped padlock on the inside of the leg, just between the malleous and the Achille's tendon. Only that requires me to actually take some initiative, like going in to the tattoo parlour I pass every time I go and get milk in the grocery store and book an appointment. For something I've been wanting for like two years, I'm showing a remarkable lack of actual action.

I think part of me is hesitant simply because I want it as a symbol for Mistress ownership over me, or maybe as a symbol of the life I lead and the person I am now, and have a hard time getting over the idea that it's her who should be doing the booking.

But Mistress isn't very inclined to book appointments at tattoo places. Not only do they intimidate both her and me, I think she's simply to busy with the everyday stuff. It's a long standing division of labour between us - handling the visionary, the stuff born from imagination, the dream and the future, is often my job. I'm the one who is supposed to lobby for the fun stuff - she decides what we'll do and makes it happen. So if I'm hesitant, nothing much is going to happen.

We had set a date for our ceremony in March. It came and went without much comment. One of the reasons, the main one, is that we've been crazy busy. Another one, I think, is that again, we're both a little intimidated. I know I am. I want it to be just right, but I'm extremely shy and a little embarrassed, and it's just... going slow.

But at the same time, I think we're preparing on the quiet. All this cutting me, for example, came about when we talked about her drawing blood from me and her during the ceremony. How much blood? From where? With what? Wont it get infected? Does she know how to do it?

Well, now she has two cool knifes, we know she can do it, and that it heals pretty fast and the risk for infection is low. If it was actual preparation, I would mark it on a list. As it is, I mark it on a list in my head.

I'm actually wearing the collar now, too. Not instead of a ceremony, but... in waiting for one. I sleep collared, but after two years of wear, the dog collar I used to have fell apart. Dogs don't sweat, but humans do, and eventually it didn't hold up. Instead of buying a new temporary one she used the permanent one over a weekend, and in the end neither one of us wanted her to take it off.

I think that was another thing about the ceremony - what if she puts this fancy collar on me with all sorts of pomp and circumstance, and then it turns out that it hurts me, for example? Or people point and stare? Or it starts... I don't know, rusting? That was another worry, would the collar in question actually work for permanent use?

It does. I've had it on me for a couple of weeks now, and I love it. I usually don't notice it, but when I do it gives me this great feeling of belonging and safety. I've been waiting for comments, from class mates or family or friends, but there has been none. I want to think it's because it looks so right were it is, as if it's always been there (in a more symbolic way, it has been there for the last five or six years or so...)

Another thing I've been doing is practising a song. There's this song written by a Swedish comedian, author and LGBT-activist named Jonas Gardell that I love, and that I suddenly decided I want to sing to Mistress at the ceremony. I can't actually think of something more horrifying, being cut up and vouching away my freedom forever is nothing compared to me trying to sing in public, but if for no other reason than that, I'm going to do it. I want the song sung to her, and it doesn't make sense from someone else than me.

So I practice - I listen to it, and then I record my own feeble attempts and listen back to it, trying to adjust and correct each time. When I grew up I was told and believed I was one of those persons that "can't sing". Now as an adult I know there is no such persons, but not having tried it for most of my life is a definite disadvantage. But since little S came along I've been singing and singing and singing every day, and to a very forgiving audience, and now I think I can sing. A little bit. At least I don't shatter glass.

Or maybe we'll only invite people who are tone deaf? Or completely dead. Or maybe I'll just chicken out and read the whole thing instead. But anyway, preparations are going ahead. On the quiet.

Alas, it was but a dream!

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