A seminar about a theoretical construct about D/s

I went to a lecture/workshop-thingy last week, I've been meaning to blog about it but not gotten around to it yet. Not really sure what to write anyway. The subject was "24/7 D/s from a non-sexual perspective". Not to mean that it's about asexual power exchange relationships, but about discussing the aspects of the dynamic that isn't about the sexual side of things.

So far so good. Since this was a regular work night and it was an hours drive to get there, I was a bit wary, however. I couldn't help but have misgivings about getting there and then spending my whole night becoming aggravated about people saying stupid things that would imply that me and my relationship doesn't exist. In that case, I would rather sit at home and cuddle with Mistress.

I'm perfectly okay with a speaker directing his or her focus on something that isn't relevant for me - but there's a real risk at these sort of occassions that I'll be told I'm not even real. That, for example, it's imperative to have a safe word, for everyone, or that it's really the submissive person in the relationship that actually has the power. Or that of course anyone can leave whenever they want. And so on. I even wrote a question to the organisers to have my fears laid to rest, which I got. And then I felt kind of silly. Maybe I was overreacting, or have been to tainted by Fetlife.

But honestly I don't think so. I've been to workshops and classes before. And there's a Swedish BDSM-community too, pre-dating Fetlife quite a bit, and there's the same discourse there. And of course everyone can discuss what they like - I'm just not always up for listening to it.

Anyway, the actual lecture didn't even touch upon my sensitive spots, so in the end it was much ado about nothing. The speaker, a middle aged man who was the dominant one in his relationship and had his young girlfriend there with him, had an idea about how D/s-relationship is built up, which was an okay and at times interesting construct.

 Unfortunately he choose to introduce the whole topic with a comparison with his view of vanilla relationship structures, which was a bit bad taste partly because his first words had been about how he never had been in one, and also because it was so clearly an attempt at "oh, look, over there is 'them' and we do it better!". And not the least because he pointed out getting kids and having joint economy as hallmarks of vanilla relationships, completely overlooking the fact that kids might be relevant for people in power exchange too.

Oh, and yes, he read an essay aloud about the norms regarding vanilla dating, continuously interpreting the patriarchal norms that makes the men into the subject and the active party in the mating ritual in a light as if that meant it was the women who had the power "because she just stands there, she is the one who accepts or rejects". Yeah.

My friend I. very promptly brought forward the concept of "slut shaming" and explained the norms that restricts women's choices and actions. The reason women doesn't usually ask a man out isn't because she holds the power - it's because if she does, she has immediately excluded herself from the cathegory "respectable women" and instead become a slut, a whore, not suitable for dating anyway (but possibly suitable for rape). It is about power - but the other way around.

This rather unfortunate example of cluelessness made the first 20 minutes of the evening a bit embarrassing and uncomfortable, but it did get better. As soon as the topic changed from Gender Issues 101 and vanilla-bashing, and he started to present his actual theory, it became a bit more interesting (and a lot less cringe-worthy). 

The idea, in it's simplest form, was that D/s-relationships stand on four baseic building blocks- identifying needs and wants, "the magic", communication and trust. On that base, it is possible to add other blocks, like rituals, disciplin, rules, kinky sex, lust, order, service and so on. Possible, but not necessary (which I think makes a good point - especially after what a child ridden waste land the last years have been when it comes to the BDSM part of me and Mistress...) And on top of that comes what the lecturer choose to call life goals, but I would rather describe in my own mind as "valued direction". Not goals as such, but more important things one might want to strive for in life. Becoming a better person in specific ways, living a meaningful life, those sorts of things.

And well, yes, so far so good. I actually think there is some merit to this idea. I'm pretty sure most of it has been said before in one way or another, but collecting knowledge and presenting it in a cohesive way is important in it's on right.

Is the basis for all power exchange relationships identifying needs and wants, "magic", communication and trust?

I don't know. Maybe. I agree that it's all important things. A problem I see with this model though is that it was described as the basis that is layed down in the beginning, and then it's done. You need to have it there, but it was kind of put as if once it was established, you could go on to other things.

But honestly, me and Mistress has been openly in love since 2003 and married for almost six years now, and we're still constantly circling back to those things. It's in no way a done deal or a basis for our relationship we can always rely on. We rekindle the magic every week, blowing on the embers and trying to get a flame going. We're constantly exploring our needs and wants and trying to, and at times failing to, communicate with each other. And in all honestly -trust is the biggest issue for us, all the time.

Do you really want me? I think every argument or fight we've ever had has had that as the basis, the note that is always carried through every hurtful word and every angry stare. "Do you really want me? Am I really good enough for you? Really, really? Can I trust you not to find me to lacking and abandoning me?"

But the idea that the middle block of rituals and rules and hot steamy sex is optional and can be removed without necessarily damaging the foundation - I liked that. It was an image that resonates with my experience. The actual relationship is there, whether we have time to act on the power imbalance or not. Sometimes the fancy stuff simply can't be fitted in - that doesn't mean we're not we any more. We're just a bit more boring.

I love high protocol. I love orders and rituals. I hope to have a lot of those things in my life over time. But maybe not right now, when we're building a family. We have a long life ahead of us. There'll be plenty of time for Mistress to teach me fancy slave positions.

And the importance of valued direction I liked to. In a way I think that was a big part of what was lacking for me in my former relationship. That, and of course that I was in love with Mistress... But if I look only at me and my ex and accept the fact that it wouldn't have worked out anyway (because I really don't think it would have) I think the fact that my life was put on hold was an important aspect for me.

I wasn't happy with him, in the sense that the life we led didn't make me happy. I loved him, but living with him made me miserable. We were poor. I worked a lot, mostly night shift, and he was in charge of the money but spent them on junk food, his Coca-Cola-addiction and technical gadgets. I was constantly stressed out about money, at the same time that I actually worked and made a decent salary. We ate junk, and I gained tons of weight. Stress, night job and junk food combined with no exercise whatsoever because of lack of money, time and opportunities made horrible things with my health.

At it's worse, I weighed over 100 kg. I eventually rectified that, on my own and with the support of Mistress, when we were still in the poly-tryad, but he never helped or did anything to make it easier for me.

I had a job without prospects. I had no direction in life. And he made it clear that when he was done with med-school I was supposed to go where he got a job, no matter where that was, and that if we ever got a kid, he had no plans to share parenting equally or sacrifice his career for his kids. None of that was okay with me or my values or my goals in life.

With Mistress, we have so many plans. Before her, my future was blank to me, empty and black. Now - we have tons of dreams and plans. Living with her has made me secure enough to dare to voice my desire to write fiction. She encourages me to take the time to do that. She's supported me, emotionally and financially, through the whole of my university education. She made me get my drivers license. She got me a dog. And a kid. We're living a life, we're going forward, we share dreams and hopes and plans.

We have shared values, and I do think that is super important. Not only that I get to move towards things that are intrinsically valuable to me, but that she is aware of what is valuable to her in her life, and that our values match. I don't think this really has anything to do with the power dynamic between us - but it do have a lot to do with us being able to live happily ever after together. 

The inner working of the power dynamic - or obeying isn't enough.

We actually had a rather deep discussion about the workings of our dynamic yesterday and today. It's been a long while since we had the time or energy to spare for that type of pondering, since it's not immediately rewarding.

During the last three years or so, we've mostly been talking either about stuff that's very enjoying to talk about (planning LARPS, discussing films, planning the summer vacation or dreaming about the house we're going to buy once I have my exam and a real job and an income), or that's not at all enjoying but really necessary to talk about (why the other one said all that stupid, hurtful stuff, or why our parents behave so strange/badly/intoxicated/unfair, or where little S' jacket really is, at home or at pre-school?). There's not been very much new to discuss about the M/s part of our life (besides from moaning about not having enough time for it).

But with us starting the discussion about a permanent collar, and actually having more time together and more serious play (it kind of hurts sitting down right now), suddenly new thoughts came to the surface.

I've always assumed that the most important part of me belonging to her (being slave, slut, property, whatever we choose to call it, being hers) is the fact that I obey. Which, in its crudest form, translates to "as long as I obey, I'm ok". She'll always now I'm hers, she can alwasy be sure of my submission, because the only thing she'll have to do to check it is give me an order and watch me jumping through hoops on her command.

And yes, she agrees, that's true as far as it goes. But it turns out that thats the minimum requirement. That I obey her orders is an important part of our dynamic for her too, but it hasn't got the pivotal role it has in my head.

She claims even that I would still belong to her even if I would screw up totally and at some point not obey her. That disobedience is not an immediate cause for total dismissal and complete relationship do-over, which I've imagined in my mind. Just as in any other area of life, it's ok for me to fail. Which in its way is very reassuring. I can't disqualify myself from the relationship by some simple mistake or slip of tongue or mind.

On the other hand, she also stressed that while obedience is good, it's not enough. And that kind of threw me. That she gives orders and I obey, we concluded, is one dimension of at least two of our dynamic. The other one we named, for lack of a better word, "attitude". It's something we're both really sensitive about, where very small gestures, nuances in words and eye contact, makes a world of difference. And it's in that dimension our difficulties lie.

I'm good at obeying. I have no problems with that (most of the time, anyway). She's good at deciding a course of action and executing it, that's not a problem either. What I'm not very good at, or at least frequently fail at, is showing an attitude of respect and reverence. I'm often to fast, to harsh, to demanding, bossy, angry, all sorts of things. I may think I'm submissive, because I'm ready to obey in the end, but in actuality, what is projected is an attitude very far from the reverantial, humble behaviour she would like from me.

She, on the other hand, has every intention of taking care of me, making good decision for my life, and making me do the things she thinks will benefit me the most. She's comfortable being the leader, and genuinely and authentically expresses her love by controlling and demanding obedience.That's not the problem. But when I disrespect her, she reacts with hurt and mistrust and dismisses me, interpreting my actions as if I don't want to be hers anymore. Which hurts me deeply, and makes me do all kinds of irrational things.

And sometimes in stress, regardless of our status, she freaks out and get irrational  and hasty in her movements and scary to me, an attitude from her that I hate and fear, and that for me breaks down my trust and safety. When she does that, I will still obey a direct order, but her attitude is such that I no longer feel safe in her presence.

What we really need to do, both of us, is cool down. I'm not sure it's possible for either of us to be less sensitive, less hypervigilant about the other ones moods and smallest gesture. But I do think we could cultivate our tolerance, expand the time we're able to tolerate the discomfort stemming from our partners bad attitude.

If I could live with her being nervous and unsure for a few minutes without having a complete breakdown, she would be able to regain her composure after a while, and come back to me. And if she could refrain from interpreting rudeness from my side as contempt and disrespect, and instead continue seeing me as her slut (albeit a slut badly in need of discipline) I would have time to realise my mistake and humbly apologise.

We need to get some redundancy in the system. As it is now, we're both on a hair trigger, ready to explode at the smallest provocation, and very inclined to interpret the others behaviour as negative. If we could just chill a little even when we sense a bad attitude from our counterpart, our life would run much more smoothly.

Maybe we can. Knowing about it is going to help at least a little, I hope. And I'm glad that we're at least equally sensitive - we both know exactly whats going on, even when almost nothing is visible for anyone else. Unfortunately, that it doesn't show doesn't make it any less hurtful.

Collar-time?

I was 22 when I met my ex boyfriend. It was aboout a year later he put a collar on me, and 6 months after that my Mistress and I realised we were in love, and the three of us decided to continue together. So when Mistress and me got together, I was wearing his permanent collar. "I hated that collar!" she said the other day, and I know that. I knew that. Whenever we were together, he was with us, in the reminder around my throat. Which was fine, as long as we were fine. As long as him and me were fine.

But sadly, the relationship deteriorated badly before it was ended. The last year was horrible, and I remember Mistress and me discussing sometime in March that he had abandoned us, emotionally and in a very practical sense, and that we were both just kind of waiting for him to come back. But he never did. In October, she said she couldn't take it anymore, but somehow we persevered. At Christmas, I caved in, and around New Year, I moved to my mothers apartment for a week, and two weeks after that I split up with him. And only then was the collar removed.

It was a relief. I had loathed wearing it for a long time by then, but been much too afraid of the irrevocable concequenses that would follow if I asked him to take it off. It was supposed to be a symbol of Ownership, of me belonging to him, but I hadn't belonged to him for a long while in any practical or emotional sense at that point, and the symbol had lost it's original meaning. The magic had turned black.

That was... 2006, the very beginning of 2006. Six years ago now. In March, Mistress proposed. Sometime before the wedding in August 2007 I became her slave, her property. For two years I think I wore a chain around my ancle, but eventually the lock broke. Since last summer we've been wearing charms, mine a lock and hers a key, as simple necklaces, but my chain broke, and then I lost the charm. Now we have nothing.

We've been talking about getting tattooes, even went into a studio last summer. I hope we do it someday, but the whole thing about finding a place, describing what we want, booking an appointment and so on seems difficult and cumbersome. We just never seems to actually do it. Honestly, I think tattoo-artist intimidates us. And while that's not really a practical problem when it's me that's apprehensive, it is when she is. Maybe she'll get me tattoed. Maybe she wont.

It does seem, however, as it's time to get a collar around my neck again. Or maybe around my ancle. Or wrist. I don't know. I just know I wont be able to take it off, and now, for the first time in six years, I get that good tingly feeling thinking about it, rather then bad-relationship-triggers. I want to be collared again. I want to be marked and not being able to choose to wear it or not. I want the safety of knowing that I can't take it off, whether I want to or not. I'm ready now. At this point, what she and I have is so much more in the forefront than the memories of what has passed.

I guess it's a little like re-marrying after a divorce.

The collar I once wore was a flat metal ring around my neck, with the lock visible in the back, and it was made out of silver. There are some beautiful collars sold at different places, but most of them look a lot like that one, and I think it's putting both of us off. Eventually, we found www.wyredslave.com, and I think that's what Mistress will get for me. She took measurements for both neck, wrist and ancle, so it will be a surprise what it is.

They're sold with a PVC-coating, too, and I'm guessig I'll end up with something in black, somewhere on my body. I'm looking forward to it.

Love and safety

And then I started to think about all the things I can trust her to do. All the things she's proven again and again to be true. That I love her and want to be with her is not dependent on that, but whether or not I can feel safe doing that, whether or not I feel confident and proud of how I live my life, that has to do with it.

In our worst moments, the question do arise; am I crazy for doing this? Am I deluding myself? Is love leading me into something, making me stay in something, that isn't healthy for me? Should I feel ashamed over my poor choices, give up all hope, and simply berate myself for being duped? The question is not "should I leave her?" (because I wont) but "should I hate myself for not being able to leave her?". There's a lot of self hate and self blame in that, and for me, unfortunately, that's easy to fall in to.

And then it's important for me to rembember, that yes, this person whom I've chosen to give myself over to completely, whom I obey and follow, might not be perfect, but she's not only the person I love and who loves me back deeply, she's also very very good for me.

We sometimes have trust-related breakdowns, and they are horrible and hurtful. But they pass. And nowadays, we can contain ourselves. We're sad, yes, and angry, but not devastated, and there's a lot less of the drama. One thing I can trust her to do is owning her own problems, working on them and making things better. That's a big thing.

Another thing I can always trust her to do is caring about me. My biggest issue is that I don't see this, because when I get hurt or need caring, I tense up and get defensive, and I have a very hard time interpreting compassion. She, on the other hand, often express it physically, in some sort of practical way. That flies right by me, I don't see it at all usually (I want a hug, and I don't interpret a vacuumed kitchen or a sleep-in as an equivalent), but I've learned what it means. She cares so much, I can't even realise it.

I can trust her to make good decisions for me, for herself and for the baby. She's lived a succesful life before me and with me, she's practical and economical and I can trust her to lead us. That's a big thing too, because I've experienced the alternative, and that's very bad.

Most of all, I can trust her to always love me, to really really love me. The one I really am. All my sides, all my facets. She loves the needy me, the practical me, the goofy me, the creative me, the smart me, every bit of me. She sometimes get exasperated with the bratty me and the sloppy me, but she still sees those parts of me and love me all the same. Nothing is neglected. Nothing is not loved. I think maybe that is the biggest thing. With her, I can be myself. That gives me safety.

A bumpy road

I read an interesting text on Fetlife a few days ago, and showed it to my Owner who also liked it. It was about abused and emotionally scarred dominants, and how that can play out in a relationship. A lot of the discussion about emotional problems centers around abused submissives, and how they are to be treated and what is expected of them. If the question is ever lifted regarding dominants, it tends to be simplified into "a dominant must be stable and healthy, otherwise the relationship is abusive" and be left at that.

In many ways, that of course is true. If either party in an intense relationship is severely unstable it will be very detrimental to all parties and the relationship as a whole. And my personal belief is that it is more damaging with the same amount of "trouble" if the troubled one is the dominant part, as in the one holding the whip, holding the money, making all the decisions. (That's not to say a submissive partner with serious issues can't make some real damage too.)

But the thing is, it's a continuum. Everybody has issues (as everybody knows) and how messed about is it ok to be as a dominant? Is nothing but perfect good enough? Because then we're in trouble. I guess I might be hanging with a fairly messed up crowd (like attracts like?), but of the five dominant persons I know more intimately (one of them my ex) four I know for sure has some sort of emotionall problem (anxiety, depression) and/or a bad childhood. That's no different from the submissives I know, or the vanilla people I know, it's par for the course in my social circles. But that's my point. Dominants are no different in that regard.

And neither is my Owner. She's not always emotionally stable, and not alwasy rational from my point of view. I can't trust her to handle every crisis with a clear and cold head. I can't expect her to always give me the benefit of the doubt, to be fair and reasonable, to always excercise good judgement. She often doesn't calm me when I'm uspet, or diffuse intense situations, or see things in proportion.

Rather the opposite, actually - she sometimes seriously freak out. She has scared me, in the past, I have been physically afraid of her because of her temper, and not in a sexy way. I've actually only ones for real believed she was going to strike me in anger (a long time ago) but that one time still happened, and is still a part of our history together. Since then, the only things she's been violent towards is herself and stuff, but to me, that's bad enough.

I really really don't like it. She knows that, of course. She doesn't like it either, and she's worked very hard over the years to overcome it. And succesfully, too - it's much, much better. Not enough better, however, for me not to get a stomach ache every time she's in a bad mood. (We are a poor match in that regard, though, since my history on the other hand has made me almost affect phobic, in the beginning unable to cope with any kind of outward signs of anger from anyone, including me. I've worked on that too.)

My point though, is that I belong to her. Unconditionally. I'm hers, not in spite of her problems, certainly not because of them, but totally regardless of them. I'm hers, and however much I sometimes wish I wasn't, sometimes wish that my ultimatums "never again or I wont stand it" had some sort of real meaning, I know they don't. They just don't. I can't not submit to her as long as I'm in her life, and I can't stand the thought of not being in her life.

Submitting to her is my way of loving. It's how I'm wired, it's how I want to be towards the person I love, it's my way of expressing myself. Any other way, and I would be maiming myself. We talked about that, and she confirmed something I hoped for, and have begun to believe, namely that she feels the same way. Owning me is her way of expressing love, and not doing it would not be really possible.

Personally I think she would have liked to express this level of control in her previous relationships too, only the partners didn't function like I do. For me, that's a happy thought, because one of my fears, one of my trust issues, is that I was the one who initiated the BDSM-aspect of our relationship, I was the one who said "I function like this, this has to be in or I'm out", and it's been very easy for me to sometimes convince myself that it's really only me that wants it. That she's owning me to humour me and placate me, catering to my needs, not because she wants it herself. I don't really believe that anymore, though, not even in our darkest moments. I genuinely believe this is how she ticks too.

Again, what point am I making? Maybe that it was nice to read something that indicated another solution than "get the fuck out" if the dominant is something besides totally emotionally stable. That there are ways of making it work, and not necessary a recipe for disaster. I felt validated in that regard, for the first time ever, perhaps.

For me, my Owner is my soulmate. She's my best friend, the center of my life, my teammate, my missing half. I'm Robin to her Batman. She really is. I know it sounds corny, and so I don't often say it, but that's the way it is. That people were jerks to her when she was a little girl and destroyed stuff for her - well, that makes me want to go and piss on their graves. For real. I'll do it someday. It doesn't, however, makes me love her one bit less.

And my love is expressed as submission, as wanting to belong to her body and soul, as never saying no and never refusing, as obeying and deferring to her. That's true no matter what. It's no less true simply because the road is bumpy sometimes.

Fears

When I left my ex and moved in with Mistress, we already had a power exchange in place. We had come to terms with me being submissive, and she had realised she enjoyed dominating me. Still, it was a new thing for us to be alone together, for her to have me all to herself, and to me to not being torn between two conflicting masters. It was a huge relief, but also kind of scary. We fought a lot, horrible, angst-filled conflicts that could last for days, flaring up again and again. They always centerd on the same theme, the same one we fight about to this day to be honest; "Do you really want me?"

For me, it was "do you really want my submission? Do you want me in this fashion, in this way that I'm trying to give myself up to you? Do you want me enough to be careful of me, to keep me and treat me well? Do you? Do you really really? Really?"

For her it was the same, I think, but the other way around: "Do you really want to be controlled? Are you really ok with me doing horrible things to you? Are you going to tell me I'm a horrible person and leave me? You can't really want this, can you?"

And we desperately wanted the other one to soothe our fears, without being very good at listening to the answers...

Sweet!

Obviously "it was very dark chocolate" does not mean it's not a sweet. My Mistress explained that to me this morning, when I confessed eating it, with the help of a riding crop. So ok, I get that now. That excuse is out.

"It was so small", "I only chewed on it, I didn't swallow" and "it was offered to me" is also out, for similar reasons. I wonder when I will stop deluding myself with this ridiculous excuses? And I also, nervously, wonder, where the punishment level may lay by then? It has been upped from one slap to two, and then to ten blows with the crop. I think it may be time for me to stop making excuses and start obeying.

Perhaps. If I could only remember it when people keep shoving candy in front om my face (or having it in vending machines and in coffee shop and and and...).

Parenting...

A post from mouse and Omega at The Power Exchange struck a thought in my head. They have just gotten a baby (yey!) and I suddenly remembered what it was like for us when litte S was not only little but practically tiny. When we had just gotten her and our life change completely in an instant.

For me, it was really hard. It was like suddenly I, we, had this treasure, this most precious thing, that we had to guard och and cherish all the time. She was the most important thing in the world - but that meant that other things, things that also were important, had to come in second. We no longer had time to sleep, to eat properly, to meet friends, and more importantly, to think, to talk, to be with each other.

I wanted to have a baby with the one I love the most, with my soulmate, whom my life revolved around. I wanted us to have and to share a family, to raise a child (and possibly children) together. Partly because I very much wanted to become pregnant and bear a child and be a mother, but also because I wanted to do that with her, specifically with her. I hade finally found the one I wanted to raise a child with.

And the first thing that child-raising-business required of us what that we separated. It almost broke my heart.

We still lived together, in our tiny flat. But we could almost never talk to each other, and we very often slept when the other one was awake. We had to work shift, and we simply didn't have time to connect. It took us a few weeks to realise it, but the truth was that if we would ever get any sleep, we had to sleep separately. So we started to do that. And missed each other like crazy.

I know, and I'm glad, that not all children are like ours that first year. She definitely was one of those 4% high-need babys, and no matter how much we missed each other, her needs came first. I'm so glad she's not like that any more.

Now she's a happy, adorable two-and-a-half-years old, and we are getting in to a daily routine that actually works. But that first year was a rough one.

Our life now is not like the one we had before we became parents. But nowadays it's actually a good one!

And sometimes I have to remind myself that even before we got a baby, we didn't necessarily get enough time together, or did everything we wanted, or had sex all the time. It just seems like that in retrospect...

Short and effective

Lately, my Owner has favoured short, intense scenes, or maybe more like episodes. When we have a moment, and she wants to, she spanks me a little, or maybe use the whip or the rattan or some implement she has handy. Just like that. Just because she can and she feels like it. And I try to take it like a good girl, and lie as still as I can, and offer myself to her. Usually there's not much warm up, not much cuddling - just the strokes, and her hand on me while she hits me.

And that's it. Then she's done, and I get up and make a curtsy and thank her, and she tells me I was a good girl and tells me what we are to do next - go wake the baby up, or maybe make some coffe. I feel all floaty, and a little disturbed, and a little tender in places, and quite a lot turned on, and do as she says.

I love it.

(I might love it even more if she fucked me, too. But maybe not. I love the simpleness of it. And I love that she's the one doing it.)

(I love her, it's as simple as that.)

After the hiatus

For the first time in fourteen days, Mistress beat me. I wrote about the last time here at the blog, when she beat me with the rattan until I bled. And then nothing. The whole weekend nothing. The week and next weekend nothing. She's been very very busy with work. Stress and lack of time made her in some way simply cut that part out of her thoughts.

I tried to be patient and wait graciuosly. I don't think I did very well.

This morning we had a fight, or fights rather, 'cause they kept starting up again several times before we got to work. But several important things were said, and in the end she took out the rattan again, and while little S for a minute played for herself in an another room she beat me with it. A handful of strokes, as a correction for my bad behaviour during our fight. And it helped. A lot.

I don't think I truly realised before how important the physical side of our D/s-dynamic is to me. I mean, everything else was in place. I still followed her rules. I was still her little slut. Nothing had really changed. She just didn't have the time or the energy to do anything with me for a while. And it freaked me out, much more than I thought it would.

Luckily, a few strokes of the rattan made very much okay again. Not everything. But almost everything. Later in the evening, when little S was asleep, she got out the riding crop and beat me properly. And there's a difference when it has been a while. I realised, a little belatedly, that I was full of resentment, and that walls had been built up, and that I didn't like it. I couldn't take it. Except, of course, that she told me to lie still and be quiet, and then I did and could take it. Because she told me to.

She came up with a plan for the weekend. She is going to give me 50 strokes with each of the implements she owns before monday. To warm me up, and teach me my place again. The idea makes my stomach tingle. I guess my bottom will too, pretty soon.