Surrender to win

And then my tutor turns in to a jerk and I have a break down, and there is entirely too much drama all around. There's the drawback, for me, of being in touch with my submissive side. I get all touchy-feely and can't handle rejection and thinks everything is my fault.

But then again, I always do that.

We kind of worked it out. I got pissed off and called him on it (kind of), he more or less admitted to shutting me off and being narky, and now it's all settled, I think. And again, this submissivethingy - it's not about him. It's about me daring to let down my defences and acknowledging who I really am. If I don't do that, if I protect myself by pretending to be big and bad and invincible, I feel like crap in the long run.

My Mistress is my anchor in this. I come home to her every night, and get reminded of who I am and I who I want to be. Usually about bedtime this week (earlier other weeks with less drama) I have settled down enough to be soft and feel like I belong to her again, and have somehow found my balance. There's a place inside myself I have to stand at, I have to be at, to be okay. To be happy and calm and content. If I can find that place, than everything is good. If I can't, I'm screwed. Yesterday evening, finally I found it again. Hopefully, I'll be able to stay there the coming week, and not be completely pushed off-center again.

I like to be balanced. For me, balanced meens submissive. For me, it means meek, it means yielding, it means free of defences. In some ways that makes me incredibly delicate - but in others, it makes me invulnerable.

I am who I am

"Internship-brain" a friend called it the other day, when I complained about not being able to sleep, and wanting to shut my brain off. It's supposed to go away when I'm a qualified psychologist and have a real job. That's reassuring, and she should know, she finished the program years ago and has been working since.

But for now, my brain wont shut down. It just keeps spinning. I've been thinking a lot about myself, about how I handle things, how I have handled things in the past, and how I want to do it. What I want with this education, what I want in my future working life. And specifically, what's going on at my present workplace, how I'm being treated and what people think about me.

I get a lot of positive feedback. My tutor has, in direct and indirect ways, said that I'm smart, that I'm experienced, that I will probably do well when I've finished university and start working, that I do a good job. He seems to like me. And, also, sometimes I seem to baffle him. And I know why, I know what it is that baffles him.

I'm a submissive. I always have been, I think. I know I've had masochistic fantasies since I was five. I know I've been drawn to authority figures, both male and female, all my childhood. I want to submit, I want to follow. That's just how I tick.

A long, long time I've been embarassed about that. I've been ashamed, and I have tried to hide it. I'm not supposed to function like this. I'm supposed to want to decide everything by myself, to want to lead, to fight for power. I come off as strong, independent, capable, and I am all those thing - too. But it's not all that I am.

I figured this out relationshipwise in my early twenties. But it's not until right now I feel okay with the idea that the same principles apply to my work life. Since I'm smart and hardworking and not a cute girlygirl, and outspoken and charming, I'm somehow always assumed to be a leadertype. And that's the safe way. That's the way to get more money, to be popular, to be safe and not picked on. A combination of expectations and fear have made me live up to that image of myself in most cases up until now.

But it's not really me. It's not how I want to live, it's not how I function best, it's not what makes me happy. I like to be a lieutenant. I like to be a second-in-command, supporting and advising the leader. I like to perform specific tasks and get feedback afterwards. I like to find someone I deem worthy of my loyalty and then be loyal and follow that person.

It has very rarely worked out well. But the few times it has, as with my Mistress, it has been great. And I think that to be happy and productive proffesionally I need to know this about myself, and accept it. In some instances it will be a flaw, a weak spot I need to work around and be careful about. In other cases, if I'm lucky, it will be an asset to treasure. That will depend on the situation, on the people around me, on what is asked of me, and on whether or not I find someone I want to follow, and on whether or not that person appreciates me. I think the real trick will be to seek out persons and places where my personality will be an asset, and stay away from the situations where it's a weakness. And also, forgive myself and love myself either way.

And right now, I'm perfectly happy following my tutor around. I defer to him, I'm loyal to him (as in, I don't talk about him with other colleagues, I take his side in arguments, I don't openly disagree with him in company, stuff like that). I'm visibly happy when he praise me, I very openly asks for direction and instruction, and I'm conscientious in doing the tasks he sets me. When we walk in the corridors (which we do a lot - big hospital, everything is spread out) I usually walk a step behind him. In short, I'm actually very submissive in my behaviour, in a way I don't think I would have dared to, or been comfortable with, a few years ago. Now it feels natural, and right, to me. Because I like that position. Because that's who I am.

And I'm allowed to be that way. I don't have to feel ashamed, or try to change, or try to hide who I am. I'm not in anybodys way, it doesn't look odd or anything. I just relax and do things the way I want to do them, because that's the easiest way to me.

So, my poor, unsuspicious tutor has a very loyal follower on his hands, who shows an unnerving tendency to follow orders and look to him for instructions. I don't think that was what he expected, and especially not from me. He seems to like it, I think, even though it confuses him, but I don't think he can get his head around it. Because I'm smart, I'm married and has a daughter, Ive got a lot of job experience, I'm not that much younger than him and I'm not the least bit shy or timid and very verbal and outspoken. The thing is that I can be all those things and still be submissive. It's just not expected.

But I think he has caught on, eventually. And I think he thinks it's kind of funny, at least when he doesn't look all confused. Then again, I don't think he gives much thought to his interns paradoxic behaviour, since he has a lot on his plate already (with being fired and all...). It really doesn't matter anyway. He doesn't have to care. I'm just happy that I know who I am, and that I'm okey with that.

CBT, D/s and fear exposure - please, like me!

I hadn't realised there where so much D/s in CBT. Or well, yes of course, in that kind of CBT. But not in the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy kind. And then someone does it to me, or that's how I feel, and I realise that well, yes, there is power here. Interpersonal power. Or can be, anyway.

Because it's all about doing stuff you don't want to do. About submitting to the thing you're most afraid of and letting it happen. Or at least to stop preventing it from happen, and see what happens next.

I kind of had a breakdown at work yesterday. It ended up with me crying in the hallway, before I could get myself together enough so that I could go back in to the office and tell my tutor that "hey, this isn't working for me, we need to change a few things". And he's great. He took me and a notepad to an empty room, and we sat down and listed the things I need to feel secure at work, at least enough to not break down crying in a corridor. Things like a key to the office, some idea of what is going to happen next, and something meaningful to do when I don't traipse after him like a shadow... I got all that, or am going to get it next week.

And then, this afternoon, we had the most awkward and embarassing tutorial ever. (Ok, it was only the second one - they might get worse.) I so didn't like sitting alone with him and discussing why I broke down and cried at work. I want to be effective, intelligent, mature - and well, I wasn't right then. He took some of the blame, and a lot of it is purely practical circumstances, but we also discussed what it is in me that makes this sort of situation stressfull. What it triggers in me, and how I could handle it.

Or at least we touched upon it. We didn't go into any detail, simply agreed upon that yes, it's something I can work on, and that this term is a good time and place to start. He asked a little about what I get stressed about and how I know when I'm stressed, and things like that. It was interesting, but I was actually acutely embarassed.

One of the things we talked about, or that I mentioned, was that my worry is a social worry. A worry about not being liked, about not being good enough. And that he's key to that, in this situation, because he's my tutor, he's the one I'm following around all day, he's the on who is actually going to give me a pass or a fail at the end of the term. It's him I want to please. So when we talked about me testing my fears and trying different ways to handle situation, I said something like "only if you still like me when I do it", or maybe "I hope that you'll still like me". Something embarassing like that. And he looked at me and said "well, that's what you'll find out."

Yeah. Great. Thanks a bunch. Because that feels safe and encouraging...

And yes, I know that's the point, I know that was ecactly what we were talking about. And I realise that's exactly the thing I have to try, that's the fear I have to expose myself to. But still.

He did add that I do know the answer to the question, but that he wasn't going to say it. And I realise that means the answer is "yes of course". But it's kind of part of my problem that I have a hard time believing it when he doesn't actually say it.

This is obviously what you get for having a psychologist as a boss.