I went to therapy eventually. I realised I wasn't getting over it on my own and needed help getting unstuck. I couldn't stop seeing my daughter as that little helpless baby, that I tried so hard to keep alive with willpower and vigilance. I didn't need to do that any longer but couldn't stop doing it on ny own.
And I needed to forgive my Owner for not being there. The fear I felt when I thought I was dying alone in the hospital, that she had left me there and wouldn't make it back in time. That fear didn't lift, it just stayed with me, poisoning me. I felt utterly abandoned, and knowing that was unfair and irrational didn't help at all.
It's not the easiest thing finding a therapist when you're a psychologist. Someone who is good and competent and available but not a friend or a friends friend or a potential colleague, or worse, boss. But I did, and it helped. And then about that time, there was a pandemic.
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