Looking back and feeling loved

It's ten years ago now that me and Mistress moved in together. Or it will be, in a week or so. I remember Christmas 2005, it was horrible. Our poly triad was in it's death throes and I was so utterly miserable, with almost every aspect of my life. It was that Christmas I decided I would spend a week at my mothers' home and not talk to either of them, Mistress or my boyfriend/then-Master.

After a few days I missed her. I didn't miss him. And that was kind of it. It still took me about two weeks after that to actually make up my mind and say something about it. Two absolutely miserable weeks. And then one night me and him were laying in bed, he tried to have sex with me, I pushed him away and he started to cry. And I said I wanted to break up with him, that it was over. I don't remember everything we said, but I remember the despair. And that he said he would kill himself, and I said alright, if you do that I'll kill myself to. Come on, let's do it. He didn't, obviously, and I guess we fell asleep after that.

I left as soon as I could, but there were a lot of agonising moments before we were finally separated. Packing up stuff, moving, seeing each other and not talking. The bleak despair of it all. And Mistress, suffering from our agony and afraid I think that I would leave her too - and yet by my side, all the time, supporting me.

I moved in with her, and I remember that we both agreed that it would be best for me to get my own place somewhere, to land on my feet and be self sufficient before we could build a life togehter. It sounded so wise and thoughtful and right. But I didn't want to be anywhere except exactly where she was, so that didn't happen. In March 2006 she proposed to me and I said yes, and we lived in her apartment until she bought us a bigger one in June that year.

We got married in August 2007, little S was conceived during the fall of 2008, with a lot of frustrating trips to the hospital, and she was born in August 2009. We moved again in the summer of 2010, to a three bedroom apartment in the same city.

I began my studies in psychology that same year me and Mistress moved in together, my first term started in January 2006. I took a slightly involuntary break in 2008 because I wanted to change schools to my home town to get out of commuting and hade to wait for a spot to open up in the right term in my new school. And then I took some more leave because of little S. In the end, I didn't graduate until the spring of 2013.

What we didn't know until the fall of 2012 was that I have ADHD. It's a bit strange now to think back and realise how different we would have looked at things if we knew. But we didn't, and we made the best decisions we could with what we knew. I got sick from exhaustion, from trying to be a good mom to a high need baby and successfull at a demanding education and managing all of the life stresses that everyone has to handle. I'm quite a bit worse at that than most people, however, and by the summer of 2012, I was in a really really bad shape. We were training to become therapists in school by then, and I remember that my first patient was in much better shape than I was (though I never told anyone in school (and of course didn't say anything to my patient)).

I got medication and eventually an ADHD-diagnosis and medication for that too, just in time to save the paper I had to write for my Masters degree. And I got my degree as a psychologist. Then I didn't get a job. It was actually a really good time, the summer and fall of 2013. I didn't do much, I mostly recuperated. Eventually I got a job, but in a different part of the country, and my heroic family moved with me in the summer of 2014 for a year in exile. And in the summer of 2015 I was done, got my license and a job back home again. And here we are now.

It's been quite a ride these last ten years. And all this time, in all the ups and downs and varying circumstances, Mistress has been with me. She has kept me, in all the meanings of the word. She has her job, and even though it's stressfull and bad and she's not appreciated as she should be (because of patriarchy and misogynistic pricks for bosses) at times, it's also fun I think, and the job itself seems to suit her. It's paid our bills all this time, she has supported me through school (I've worked some, and have student loans, but it's a pittance compared to her contribution) and we would never been able to afford going to school with a kid without her income.

And she's loved me. Every day. A few days ago we discussed that I can take critique in a better way now (even if I'm still bad at it). And I realised that one important thing is that now, at 35, I've lived more years in a loving, supporting environment, than I did in the suppressive, hateful one I grew up in. It's much easier admitting mistakes when it's finally sunk in that it wont mean being ridiculed. I'm loved. No matter what happens in the future, I know I'm loved.

(Also, spanked and controlled and fucked. That's good stuff to.)

Life, in general. And stress induced amnesia.

So yeah, it was awhile ago since I blogged. And that's okay, it happens to everyone. But... I actually had to go to http://slavetomasterblog.blogspot.se/ tp check her blogroll to remember the name of this place. That'
s bad. That's really bad.

I do have the excuse that my life has been completely topsy-turvy for about a month now, and that I should probably be happy about remembering my own name at least.

My job contract was up in June and I was offered to stay on but in the end I changed jobs which means we'
re relocating after the summer. Or rather re-relocating, we're going home again. Mistress has been working from home alternating with travelling a lot, and we're moving back to closer to her actual workplace, and our home town. It's all good, I think it will be a good job for me and we never really settled in here anyway. But it's changes, and changes are hard.

And we've found and bought this amazing house. We're moving in August 14th, and we can't wait. We're both on vacation until then and little S is home with us, and yesterday we came home from a two week road trip to the south ofSweden. Before that I did three weeks at the new job, sleeping at a friends' house during the weekdays, and yeah, we haven't had decent routines or anything resembling order and structure for over a month.

But amazingly we're both good with each other. We have all sorts of stress induced symptoms, from cold sores to panic attacks, but we're in love and secure with each other. A couple of weeks ago this kind of stress and lack of alone time would have driven us at each others throats and induced hundreds of "you don't really love me!!!" meltdowns. I'm so glad we're not doing that right now.

The house though. The house! We found our dreamhouse, it's perfect in so many ways. It never even got out on the market, we heard about it from a friend of my moms. I got a phone number to "someone who wants to sell their house, you should call her" and got up my nerve and did. I'm so glad I did, Mistress wasn't even at home that week, and I was in all kinds of jitters (I have a bit of a phone phobia, calling strangers is not my favourite pastime).

We arranged to check it out on the way to somewhere else and got thirty minutes roaming around with a overexcited little S hanging around our throats while making small talks to the current owners. And two days later we made an offer and they accepted and well, we bought it.

It's built somewhere before 1850, a very classic red two story Swedish farm house. It's got original  floor boards that are 50 cm wide, five fireplaces (one in the master bedroom) and it's beautifully renovated with all modern appliances. We don't have to do a thing, we're just moving in.

It also got 8 acres of land, and several outbuildings with different functions. One is a stable, and we're getting horses! Probably not this fall, since there is some work to do to make the woods and the farm land into pasture and get the outbuildings in to use, but next summer for sure.

We have our own woods! With hunting rights. Well, we have land for almost anything we might like to do. The school bus stops just outside the house, it's in a little village with other kids (though we don't know ages and whether or not they are playmate-material of course) and it's just perfect.

Life and plans and mice and men...

We've been talking about life goals a bit, about plans for the future and what we want to happen in our lifes. The big stuff, the big picture. I make happy fairy tale plans for the future all the time, with Mistress humouring me and humming along, without making any commitment either way. That's just how we do it, because we have different needs when it comes to planning.

But now Mistress is the one initiating it, and it feels great. When it's just me, it's just dreaming. I can dream all I want, but I can't make anything happen. The wheels doesn't start to turn until she is onboard.

My job contract ends in June 2015. It's very likely I'll be offered another position then, with better pay, at the same place. I could go on doing what I'm doing in the same office with the same colleagues. If I want to.

Mistress has a deal with her employer about working from home for the duration of my job contract, but whether or not she could prolong that is uncertain. It might be okay, it might not, it's hard to say. And I'm not sure she wants to, either, she'll get new assignments at work around that time that might mean she needs to be more on sight anyway.

 And in June I'm going to get my license, provided I keep working like I've been for the last six months, and that means the job offers available to me will increase drastically. There's a lot more job offers out there for licensed psychologists than for those just out of school.

In August 2015, little S starts school. That's absolutely crazy, I have a very hard time wrapping my head around that one. But that means wherever we are at that time will be her first year in school, and if we move after that, she's going to have to change schools, and that's a hassle I'd like to spare her. If we can - it might not be possible.

And... the trickiest part. I'm 34. We've been talking about having another baby since little S was born, five years ago. And if we're going to do that, we need to do it sometime soon. It's not to late, not at all, but it's not something that we're comfortable postponing for say another ten years or so either. We could, but the risks increases, and we can't just have sex without protection and hope for the best. If we want a baby, we need to take active steps to make it happen.

Mistress is ten years my senior, and she says she's starting to feel old (mind you, she threatend to whack me in the head with an iron saucepan when I was complaining about feeling old at 18, and she was 28 and had "about to be 30"-angst. So her feeling to old isn't really a new phenomena.)

All this means that the coming year we have to make some big decisions. Where are we going to live, and how are we going to make a living? Are we going to try to have another baby, or are we happy and content with having an only child? We need seclusion and hate having neighbours, but we want good communications and a well stocked grocery store. I dream about dogs and horses, and we both crave nature - woods and water and a view.

How do we reconcile those dreams with our needs to live in a culture rich environment where we feel safe and don't have to deal with prejudice against same-sex couples? Where will little S thrive the most? How do we balance our needs against the need to be close to our respective parents? And jobs - we need jobs that's stimulating and fun and reasonably well paid, and not to far from wherever we choose to live.

Yesterday we were cuddling on the sofa, hashing all this out, pondering this and that and the other, and circled around the question of another baby. I mentioned that when we were discussing it a time table showed up in my head. That we should keep working on being healthy and losing weight, so that I was in the shape I need to be to safely get pregnant at the end of this year, and that we should start arrangements with the relevant hospital in January 2015. If I got pregnant sometime during the spring of 2015, I would be able to finish my job contract, and be eligible for paid parental leave when the baby arrives.

And do you know what Mistress said? She said "I think that sounds reasonable. I feel the same way."

And that means it's on. It's on! It's the best gift I've gotten for a long time. She said yes!

We're going to have another baby!

(We just need to take care of some things first. Like me losing 10% of my current body weight. And oh, actually get pregnant. But apart from that, it's all settled!)

Life change

And then, all of a sudden, I got a job offer. And accepted. I started six days ago, and since the workplace is 1,5 hours from home, I've been living in a hostel all week.

We're okay. I'm okay, a lot more okay than I thought I would be actually. But everything about our day to day life has been turned upside down, and we're reeling a bit from the shock of it. And has a ton of things to do, and a lot of major decisions to make.

I thought I'd be blogging a lot about the job and the change, but I think I've been to busy living it to have time or energy to reflect all that much. That will come later, but for now, I'm pretty much in the moment. Good thing, I think. 

I wont be Mistress' stay-at-home-slave anymore for a while. The plan is to work full time for a year, provided we can stand it and no one gets sick. After that, we're pretty agreed on me not working full time ever ever again. But that's then. Now is now. And I'm not really sure how I feel about it all.