There was this discussion on Fet about punishments, and a few posts described really harsh things. I contered with a very low key account of getting a few swats on my pants for being uppity. I consider our relationship to have a "punishment dynamic", since there is punishment at times. But the thing is that the stuff she does to me for positive for more positively associated reasons are way more bloody and painful than the corrections I get.
She came home Friday six days ago, and as always things were a bit weird after she's been gone. I had a hard time finding my bearing, kept clinging to her and at the same time got bouts of anger and insecurity. I don't handle separation well, it's not as if I have very healthy patterns from childhood in the attachment area of things (yeah, I'm a shrink, I think like that).
Anyway, come Saturday when the kid was asleep, she pointed me to the bedroom, had me lay on my stomach and proceeded to tie me down, hands and feet to the bedposts. "I'm going to beat you" she said, and my stomach did a happy and scared flip, "there's not going to be any peace and quite around her 'til I do, anyway." And then she did, a lot.
She ended it with a volley of blows with the thick rattan on my ass that made me try to faint and fly at the same time. It wouldn't have surprised me one bit if I had started to levitate. And if I remember this correctly, it simply ended with her untying me and cuddling on the sofa. Or was this the time she fucked me silly? That might have been the day after. It was good, anyhow.
Two days later I marvelled over the tenderness I still felt, and when I checked in the mirror, there were actual bruises. I had bruises on my ass! That hasn't happened for forever, no matter what agony she puts me true, I never get to show it off, 'cause it simply doesn't show. But this time it did.
So that's the stuff she does just because she want to, and to keep me her good, calm, submissive little slut.
Now this morning, when Mistress hade left for work and I was about to herd the kid through the door on our way to the pre-school said kid had a complete meltdown over Mistress choosing black pants for her. She didn't want black pants, they were ugly, she only wanted pink pants, pink and purple were the only pretty colours, why couldn't she have pretty pants, she hated us, she wasn't going to play with anyone at pre-school, and oh why did she have to have ugly clothes??!!
My interest in taking off all her layers of outdoor clothes that covered the black pants in question was non-existent. I tried some halfhearted attempts of compromising, offering her other pants to change to at lunchtime when they go inside, but it failed because we actually didn't have any other suitable pants. They were in the hamper. I sighed and was preparing myself for ignoring her wailing and bodily drag her to the pre-school.
And then a memory came to me, of when I was around four or five, and had a fight with my mom over a pair of pants. She wanted me to wear some sort of bib-and-brace overalls, and I just refused. They were baby-pants! Ugly baby-pants! I remember my mother pleading with me that I had worn them last week and liked them just fine, and I remember how utterly illogical that argument was in my ears. That feeling of having to wear something that didn't fit who I was, that felt demeaning and wrong and humiliating. It's only a snapshot, and I don't know how it went, but I'm guessing I lost the fight since I remember it so vividly. Or, equally likely, I didn't have to wear the pants but my mother reacted with coldness and hostility and punished me by withdrawing her love because I voiced my opinion.
Anyway, I know what it feels like having to go around in clothes that makes you feel bad and makes you feel ugly. I don't care that the pants in question was gorgeous and supercomfy and that Mistress has an exact copy of them, they didn't match little S' view of herself. And suddenly I thought, what the hell, we'll fix this. And I got the kid in the car instead of the stroller, and headed for the nearest mall on the way to the pre-school. We were going to buy pants!
Only, the shops didn't open as early as I had hoped, but then I was on a mission, so we went ten minutes in another direction, found a supermarket with a small clothes aisle, and eventually a pair of pants. That were actually in a set with a cute matching top. And then we got a pair of warm winter mittens, and three pairs of gloves, because those always get dirty or lost, and it's good to have a few to change with. And it was really cheap, too. On the way out past the register little S got a balloon too, for free, and we made our way to the pre-school quite happily. I was pleased with little S getting new clothes and with being able to leave a contented child for the day.
And then I got home and texted Mistress about my adventure. The first text was rather optimistic, like "oh, and I got some clothes for little S, wasn't that great?". The next one, ten minutes later was more along the lines of "Uhm... I just realised I should have asked first. I should have asked for permission, shouldn't I? Sorry..." That one got a terse answer, that yes, I should definitely have asked permission first.
Epic slut fail.
So now I got punished. And remember those bruises on my butt? If she does that simply for maintenance, what does she do when I spend money without permission and goes on errands completely without telling her about it? Well... she docked the money for the clothes from my allowance this month, about a fifth of the sum I get for lunches and other indulgenses. And I had to complete a task that I was supposed to do today anyway, before lunch instead of whenever I wanted. That's the punishment.
And now I'm forgiven. I'm still a bit ashamed, and feeling greatful to her for holding me to her standards, and very much decided that I'll never to that again and always text her about my doings and plans, as I usually do.
I feel punished. And I feel contrite. And I feel very much that she owns me, and that I made a mistake, and that I should do better in the future. It does matter that she holds me accountable. It does matter that she meets out punishment. It doesn't, however, have to be cruel or nasty or bloody. A short jerk, a disappointed voice, a reminder that she's not pleased with my actions. It makes me thankful to be hers, and it makes me feel safe and secure and looked after.
Showing posts with label beating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beating. Show all posts
Oct 24, 2013
Oct 13, 2013
Going away
Tomorrow morning Mistress leaves for Spain. She'll be back Friday, and even though I really don't like her going away from me, it feels a lot better than the last time she travelled. One of the main reason is probably that this time neither I nor anyone else thinks I'm okay with it, and expects me to be perfectly all right when she gets back.
We have all kinds of support in place, the biggest one being my in-laws coming and living with me and little S from Tuesday to Thursday. And we're going to talk every day, and I'll have a schedule, and there's food in the fridge, and everything is going to be okay. Except that I'll miss her like crazy.
Yesterday she whipped me, hard and deliciously cruel. Today we made our version of sweet love, including a whole lot of nipple pinching and strangling. I feel safe and loved and treasured. It's going to be okay. And at least she'll be home soon.
We have all kinds of support in place, the biggest one being my in-laws coming and living with me and little S from Tuesday to Thursday. And we're going to talk every day, and I'll have a schedule, and there's food in the fridge, and everything is going to be okay. Except that I'll miss her like crazy.
Yesterday she whipped me, hard and deliciously cruel. Today we made our version of sweet love, including a whole lot of nipple pinching and strangling. I feel safe and loved and treasured. It's going to be okay. And at least she'll be home soon.
Jun 16, 2013
Things you do for your health...
I've had an amazing weekend, in all manners of ways. My head is a bit frazzled at the moment, so I'll settle for listing all the things I've done that has been very, very good for my to-high blood pressure. I'm going to the doc to have it re-checked on Tuesday, so this was all very important activities from a health perspective. (That's totally why we did them, I promise...)
- Meditating on Power Animals and having a lovely visit from an imaginary badger, who promised me that it will all be al right.
- Talking with my friend I. about important and non-important things and simply enjoying the company.
- Relaxing with my head in Mistress lap and being stroked and petted absent-mindedly while surrounded by beautiful human ponies with friends and trainers.
- Being a pony for Mistress for the first time, with a lovely borrowed bridle and trotting and cantering for her in a paddock.
- Getting a good whipping with our new riding crop.
- And finally getting fucked well and good, with everything feeling just perfectly right and as it should be.
May 1, 2013
Back and forth
A few days ago Mistress finally took advantage of me, after a weeks hiatus. It started out with a notion from her that she wanted to cut me again, but when she unpacked the playthings I had put in the bag her plans developed a little. We were at her parents place, and I had packed an assortment of things, this and that which fit in the bag.
In the end, she tied me securely to the bed, blindfolded and gagged me, inserted a butt plug, and used both the tawse and the whip on me before creating a small piece of art on my shoulder blade with her knife. Or maybe she whipped me afterwards, I don't recall it exactly. I was mostly floating away.
Or rather, in the end I was floating. In the beginning I was scared, and stiff and a little apprehensive. We've had busy weeks for a while, not very much time for each other, and in order to not nag at her, I've stifled my own needs. And withdrawn. With withdrawal comes walls, and tearing them down, opening up again, hurts. It's scary and it hurts.
She commented on that afterwards too, that she felt something big was needed this time. It was. It was very much needed.
It's not until today, more or less, that I've fully realised how withdrawn I have become. I don't like it.
In the end, she tied me securely to the bed, blindfolded and gagged me, inserted a butt plug, and used both the tawse and the whip on me before creating a small piece of art on my shoulder blade with her knife. Or maybe she whipped me afterwards, I don't recall it exactly. I was mostly floating away.
Or rather, in the end I was floating. In the beginning I was scared, and stiff and a little apprehensive. We've had busy weeks for a while, not very much time for each other, and in order to not nag at her, I've stifled my own needs. And withdrawn. With withdrawal comes walls, and tearing them down, opening up again, hurts. It's scary and it hurts.
She commented on that afterwards too, that she felt something big was needed this time. It was. It was very much needed.
It's not until today, more or less, that I've fully realised how withdrawn I have become. I don't like it.
Mar 24, 2013
Knife play
"Knifes seems to suit you" min friend I. said in chat today. And she also said "write a blog post! I'm out of things to do besides studying." So I guess I'll comply.
Knife play does suit me. Or well us, since I think it suits Mistress very well.
She's taught me very well to be still and relax when she tortures me. In the beginning I used to trash around a lot more. Now, I usually get to that place where I lie perfectly still much more quickly. I know some enjoy watching their victim squirm, and I actually enjoy a good squirming now and then, but Mistress doesn't and that's that. She wants me still and isn't all that interested in my input, and so I'm still and quiet.
So going from tying me up and beating on me to tying me up and cutting in to me isn't all that big a leap. She gets so very concentrated I can feel it. I feel like a canvas she uses to make art, and that's a form of objectification I love. I can let go of myself and just be, exist, nothing demanded of me. It helps that so far she's tied me up very securely so I don't even have to put in the effort to keep myself still.
It hurts, of course, but it's a different kind of hurt than being spanked or whipped, and not necessarily worse. Many implements for beating seems to be constructed to do the least amount of damage with the most amount of pain and impact. A knife is a bit the other way around. There's a lot of damage being done, but it's precise deliberate damage, and it doesn't hurt as much.
The heart is still on my shoulder, all the scabs are gone but there's a faint red line where they were before. A beating with marks that lasts for two weeks? It would have been one hell of a session, and it would have taken hours. The knife is special because it is both much worse and much less when it comes to pain and impact than any of her other implements.
Also, the mere idea of having her over me with a frikking knife in her hand! There's impact right there, without her doing anything at all.
Knife play does suit me. Or well us, since I think it suits Mistress very well.
She's taught me very well to be still and relax when she tortures me. In the beginning I used to trash around a lot more. Now, I usually get to that place where I lie perfectly still much more quickly. I know some enjoy watching their victim squirm, and I actually enjoy a good squirming now and then, but Mistress doesn't and that's that. She wants me still and isn't all that interested in my input, and so I'm still and quiet.
So going from tying me up and beating on me to tying me up and cutting in to me isn't all that big a leap. She gets so very concentrated I can feel it. I feel like a canvas she uses to make art, and that's a form of objectification I love. I can let go of myself and just be, exist, nothing demanded of me. It helps that so far she's tied me up very securely so I don't even have to put in the effort to keep myself still.
It hurts, of course, but it's a different kind of hurt than being spanked or whipped, and not necessarily worse. Many implements for beating seems to be constructed to do the least amount of damage with the most amount of pain and impact. A knife is a bit the other way around. There's a lot of damage being done, but it's precise deliberate damage, and it doesn't hurt as much.
The heart is still on my shoulder, all the scabs are gone but there's a faint red line where they were before. A beating with marks that lasts for two weeks? It would have been one hell of a session, and it would have taken hours. The knife is special because it is both much worse and much less when it comes to pain and impact than any of her other implements.
Also, the mere idea of having her over me with a frikking knife in her hand! There's impact right there, without her doing anything at all.
Feb 11, 2013
Snow day
There was a lot of snow this morning, and Mistress decided to work from home. She goes by bus for 1,5 hours to work, and that road is treacherous, so this time of year sometimes she opts for not going. I was scheduled to sit at home all day writing on things for our thesis, and so we had company. She sat at the workplace and I in the bed beside her, and we actually worked quietly for hours. And then we had an hour long lunch break, during which we managed to squeeze all sorts of things. I cut Mistress' hair, and we had lunch, and then she spanked me with her belt for the first time for what feels like ages but isn't more than ten days or so, and fucked me. And then I made her a latte and we went back to work.
But honestly, she whipped me all red and fucked me to orgasm in less than fifteen minutes. We don't do speed dating, we do speed BDSM-sessions. I'm not sure what kind of skill this is - the most S/M-play in the least time? Is there competitions for this? Because we would have a good shot at winning!
Now she's picking up little S from pre-school, and I'm supposed to finish my school work so I'll get on that. I don't want her to start competing in "most punishment in shortest amount of time" either. I bet those don't end with an orgasm.
But honestly, she whipped me all red and fucked me to orgasm in less than fifteen minutes. We don't do speed dating, we do speed BDSM-sessions. I'm not sure what kind of skill this is - the most S/M-play in the least time? Is there competitions for this? Because we would have a good shot at winning!
Now she's picking up little S from pre-school, and I'm supposed to finish my school work so I'll get on that. I don't want her to start competing in "most punishment in shortest amount of time" either. I bet those don't end with an orgasm.
Feb 3, 2013
Hypocritical much?
When little S declared that she had beaten the dog "three times!" with the rainbow coloured feather duster, I steered the conversation along the lines of how she's not supposed to hit anyone, how it hurts the dog, that we never hit the dog, or her, or anyone else, and ended the sermon with a sanctimonious "We don't hit each other in our family!".
A very good, moral, and pedagogical statement, that was somewhat ruined by the loud snort of laughter from Mistress in the other room. Oh well. "We only hit consenting adults in our family!" doesn't really have the same impact when talking to a three year old.
A very good, moral, and pedagogical statement, that was somewhat ruined by the loud snort of laughter from Mistress in the other room. Oh well. "We only hit consenting adults in our family!" doesn't really have the same impact when talking to a three year old.
Jan 17, 2013
Getting what I want
Yestarday, I begged, literary begged, Mistress to be spanked. "Or whatever, it doesn't have to be spanking - just hurt me! Please, please, please, Mistress?". This was after we had gone to bed, I was tense and worked up and worrying about my upcoming exam and just generally feeling out of sorts.
Mistress sighed and said, that no, she wasn't going to. She was tired, and she didn't want to. She was however, going to do it "tomorrow". I refrained from growling about how much I cared about "tomorrow" and said "yes Mistress!" instead, which usually is the safer choice. We cuddled, and she stroked me and petted me until I was all blissed out by good feelings and felt very calm and satisfied anyway, without any pain whatsoever.
Then, today, I sat through my exam in the morning (the last one I'll ever take hopefully) and when I came home we cuddled, and after a while Mistress said that she was planning to beat me. And I cuddled up to her and asked if we couldn't just "cuddle without clothes on for a while" first (read "instead").
Mistress said she didn't feel like taking her clothes off, it felt like to much work and I threw a pillow at her... And then I proposed that it was fine if we just cuddled, it was perfectly good even with clothes. I snuggled up to her, and whispered in to her arm that honestly, I was feeling a bit afraid and really didn't felt like being spanked any more. "That's ok" she answered "you don't have to feel like it."
And then she made me lay on my stomach on the bed, taped my arms and legs to the bedposts and beat me with the tawse and then, grumbling over not being able to draw blood, she switched to the horse whip. Oh, and she stuffed a gag ball in my mouth too, "so I don't have to worry about you disturbing the neighbours".
Yeah. It really doesn't matter whether I feel like it or not. And the secret? The moment she said that I was instantly horny and so very, very submissive. That's the best part of it. That I can't decide what she'll do and when she'll do it. On the one hand, I really do want the things I ask for, and really don't want the things I'm afraid of or don't want, but on the other hand, what I most of all want is to not being able or allowed to decide that. I guess that's kind of a win-win for both of us.
She did drew blood, eventually. She likes to stop at that point. For me, I'm so far gone by then that she could go on forever as far as I'm concerned. Times stops and everything is an endless, hurtful, wonderful, all encompassing now. I guess that's the part I'm longing for when I'm begging her to beat me.
(The exam? I think it went just fine. They usually do.)
Mistress sighed and said, that no, she wasn't going to. She was tired, and she didn't want to. She was however, going to do it "tomorrow". I refrained from growling about how much I cared about "tomorrow" and said "yes Mistress!" instead, which usually is the safer choice. We cuddled, and she stroked me and petted me until I was all blissed out by good feelings and felt very calm and satisfied anyway, without any pain whatsoever.
Then, today, I sat through my exam in the morning (the last one I'll ever take hopefully) and when I came home we cuddled, and after a while Mistress said that she was planning to beat me. And I cuddled up to her and asked if we couldn't just "cuddle without clothes on for a while" first (read "instead").
Mistress said she didn't feel like taking her clothes off, it felt like to much work and I threw a pillow at her... And then I proposed that it was fine if we just cuddled, it was perfectly good even with clothes. I snuggled up to her, and whispered in to her arm that honestly, I was feeling a bit afraid and really didn't felt like being spanked any more. "That's ok" she answered "you don't have to feel like it."
And then she made me lay on my stomach on the bed, taped my arms and legs to the bedposts and beat me with the tawse and then, grumbling over not being able to draw blood, she switched to the horse whip. Oh, and she stuffed a gag ball in my mouth too, "so I don't have to worry about you disturbing the neighbours".
Yeah. It really doesn't matter whether I feel like it or not. And the secret? The moment she said that I was instantly horny and so very, very submissive. That's the best part of it. That I can't decide what she'll do and when she'll do it. On the one hand, I really do want the things I ask for, and really don't want the things I'm afraid of or don't want, but on the other hand, what I most of all want is to not being able or allowed to decide that. I guess that's kind of a win-win for both of us.
She did drew blood, eventually. She likes to stop at that point. For me, I'm so far gone by then that she could go on forever as far as I'm concerned. Times stops and everything is an endless, hurtful, wonderful, all encompassing now. I guess that's the part I'm longing for when I'm begging her to beat me.
(The exam? I think it went just fine. They usually do.)
Dec 8, 2012
Marks and welts
Yesterday, Mistress tried out a new tool. Actually, it was my own fault, it was an old dressage riding crop with a broken tip. I tired of having it standing in a corner of our bedroom and figured if I cut off the broken tip maybe it could be used - and if it couldn't, we could throw it out.
Mistress decided to try it out, and it turned out it could be used. Very much so. Ouch!
The thing is, my buttocks are more or less covered in very thick skin. I guess having been spanked and paddled and whipped regularly for the last ten years or so can do that. It's one of my most erotic zones and I really like to be hit there, and it's the spot Mistress prefer to hit too. I think we both have got accustomed to my ability to take a beating there.
This time though, Mistress also targeted a bit of my outer thigh. And oh my God! There's a huge difference. Not only in pain level, but in actual skin sensitivity. With the last lash, she broke skin and there was a red bloody welt. And it hurt. A lot.
Afterwards, we were both kind of giddy and excited. This time, one can safely say she really did leave a mark. It still hurts actually, it stings quite a bit and I'm not particularly looking forward to taking a shower today. Also, it feels great.
When I got up this morning Mistress was in the kitchen, and when we said good morning she hugged me tight for a long time and kissed me. I felt so very very close to her. It makes me hope she'll whip me bloody more often...
Dec 2, 2012
Problem solved
But when there weren't anything good on at nine o'clock, I jokingly said "well, then you'll just have to tie me up and beat me" and she said "Yeah, I guess you're right." That kind of threw me. So she walked the dog and told me to use the bathroom and shut down the laptop in the meantime, and when she got back, she tied me down at the bed, and beat my ass with the tawse.
Really really hard.
Afterwards she rearranged the ropes to have me on my back, and while she did it I commented flippantly about a rope that wasn't secured around my ancle. Something in my tone of voice or choice of words made her draw the conclusion that I wasn't properly submissive yet, "only because I haven't beaten you enough" she said and something in her voice and demeanour made me really really scared.
I apologised over and over, but that didn't help. In the end she made me lay still while she whacked me really hard, between my legs and on each of my breasts, and then on the left side of my face. She demanded that I was perfectly still and looking at her for each of the strokes, and when it was over, I was not only sincerely regretful but also very very meek and submissive.
The she left me there for a while, with an order to first count to a thousand, and then start touching myself. I was allowed to come if I said "I'm you're slut!" loudly while doing it, but I never got that far before she came back and started fucking me with her hand instead.
So yeah. I'm not complaining any more. At least not about not being beaten enough.
Really really hard.
Afterwards she rearranged the ropes to have me on my back, and while she did it I commented flippantly about a rope that wasn't secured around my ancle. Something in my tone of voice or choice of words made her draw the conclusion that I wasn't properly submissive yet, "only because I haven't beaten you enough" she said and something in her voice and demeanour made me really really scared.
I apologised over and over, but that didn't help. In the end she made me lay still while she whacked me really hard, between my legs and on each of my breasts, and then on the left side of my face. She demanded that I was perfectly still and looking at her for each of the strokes, and when it was over, I was not only sincerely regretful but also very very meek and submissive.
The she left me there for a while, with an order to first count to a thousand, and then start touching myself. I was allowed to come if I said "I'm you're slut!" loudly while doing it, but I never got that far before she came back and started fucking me with her hand instead.
So yeah. I'm not complaining any more. At least not about not being beaten enough.
Nov 23, 2012
Being a bitch
I hurt Mistress today, I was snarky and bitchy and said an offhand comment to her that made her really hurt and angry. It takes her awhile to process it, I noticed that she was pissed off about something but I didn't make the connection to what I had said, and ended up hurt and pissed off all on my own instead.
Eventually we managed to talk about it, and eventually eventually we also managed to actually communicate and I finally got what she was trying to say.
And felt horrible. Seen from her perspective, I can definitely see how what I said must have sounded terribly ungrateful, accusing and just plain bitchy.
I'm so so sorry I hurt her. All I ever want to do is make her life better. Saying nasty things that makes her cry and throw stuff around is not on my "to do"-list, on any day.
I did this a lot before the summer. We argued a lot, and it took a long while for me to get my head around my part of the issue. Then I stopped doing that, I stopped getting pissed off about everything she said and stopped snarking at her. I don't know what compelled me to start again today. Fatigue I guess. Stress, worry. Or just... I don't know. Bad manners?
I'm so glad we found each other again, that she forgave me, and that I understood what it was I had said that hurt her. And then, when we were cuddling and kissing each others tear wet faces, we discussed whether she had time to beat me or not, or if she really had to work. And I made a tentative suggestion:
"Well maybe we could you know, well... first let me use the bathroom, 'cause I need to, and then do another small thing, and then I can make you coffee and you could work."
"I guess that 'other small thing' is I beat you?"
"Well... yeah... but... maybe more punish me for being bad..." said in a very very small voice.
"You're right. That wouldn't take very long."
And then she did.
She had me lay on my stomach on the bed, pulled my pants down and said "This is going to hurt." and then she proceeded to hit me ten times with her cane. I almost cried, and even though I tried my best, I had a hard time laying still. She stroked me and petted me lovingly, but also said in a very stern voice that "this is supposed to hurt". And then she gave me ten more, because I belong to her. And finally three more, because, she said "I love you".
And then all was right in the world.
I was promised more in the evening, of the sexy sadistic variety. That's good too. (And Mistress' guess that my recent flare-up in bitchiness might be connected to lack of preventative beatings is not necessarily wrong.) The punishment, though, is a different kind of beating. It's loving too, and I can't say I don't find it hot, but most of all it's freeing. It's forgiving. It's righting a wrong.
Now I'm sitting on a rather sore butt on the sofa reading a paper on the necessity of inhibition for executive functioning, and finding it ironically apt. I could use some inhibition, undoubtedly.
Eventually we managed to talk about it, and eventually eventually we also managed to actually communicate and I finally got what she was trying to say.
And felt horrible. Seen from her perspective, I can definitely see how what I said must have sounded terribly ungrateful, accusing and just plain bitchy.
I'm so so sorry I hurt her. All I ever want to do is make her life better. Saying nasty things that makes her cry and throw stuff around is not on my "to do"-list, on any day.
I did this a lot before the summer. We argued a lot, and it took a long while for me to get my head around my part of the issue. Then I stopped doing that, I stopped getting pissed off about everything she said and stopped snarking at her. I don't know what compelled me to start again today. Fatigue I guess. Stress, worry. Or just... I don't know. Bad manners?
I'm so glad we found each other again, that she forgave me, and that I understood what it was I had said that hurt her. And then, when we were cuddling and kissing each others tear wet faces, we discussed whether she had time to beat me or not, or if she really had to work. And I made a tentative suggestion:
"Well maybe we could you know, well... first let me use the bathroom, 'cause I need to, and then do another small thing, and then I can make you coffee and you could work."
"I guess that 'other small thing' is I beat you?"
"Well... yeah... but... maybe more punish me for being bad..." said in a very very small voice.
"You're right. That wouldn't take very long."
And then she did.
She had me lay on my stomach on the bed, pulled my pants down and said "This is going to hurt." and then she proceeded to hit me ten times with her cane. I almost cried, and even though I tried my best, I had a hard time laying still. She stroked me and petted me lovingly, but also said in a very stern voice that "this is supposed to hurt". And then she gave me ten more, because I belong to her. And finally three more, because, she said "I love you".
And then all was right in the world.
I was promised more in the evening, of the sexy sadistic variety. That's good too. (And Mistress' guess that my recent flare-up in bitchiness might be connected to lack of preventative beatings is not necessarily wrong.) The punishment, though, is a different kind of beating. It's loving too, and I can't say I don't find it hot, but most of all it's freeing. It's forgiving. It's righting a wrong.
Now I'm sitting on a rather sore butt on the sofa reading a paper on the necessity of inhibition for executive functioning, and finding it ironically apt. I could use some inhibition, undoubtedly.
Oct 19, 2012
A nice evening in
Bliss!
If I was a smoker I'd be having a cigarette by now.
We watched the first episode of True Blood season two, with cheese doodles and beer, and when Sookie and Bill started getting it on, her hand moved to my breast and begun to fondle it. When the show was over, we went in to the bedroom, and she ordered me on to the bed. She tied me down, feet together and arms spread wide apart, and secured the ropes in the bed.
And then she proceeded to beat me, hard, with the leather tawse. It was really difficult to relax, and I couldn't stop squirming until I started to really focus on the pain, on every stroke. By then she had one of her feet on the small of my back, pushing me down, and a rope around my neck, holding it tight. I was bound, pushed, strangled and beaten, and could finally drift away into the sensations. I know my breathing slows then, and my pulse too. She said she had to check on me now and then, to see that I was okay, but I didn't notice that. I just was, existed.
When she was done, she told me that for once she hadn't kept going until I started to bleed, but instead had kept going even though I was bleeding. That idea made me inexplicably happy. I hesitantly told her (or more whispered in to the pillows) that I would like to stay were I was for a while, and that I had this idea in my head that maybe she would go and do something else. I guess I pictured her going in to the other room and look up porn on the computer or something. Instead she said yes, she would leave me - and go walk the dog.
Which she did. I stayed, obviously, feeling completely at ease and safe on the one hand, and longing for her to come back on the other. She came back, not long after, slowly untied me and then we cuddled, kissed and eventually fucked until I saw stars flying around in the room.
Now I'm really really tired and looking forward to crawling in to bed with the one I love most in the whole world.
If I was a smoker I'd be having a cigarette by now.
We watched the first episode of True Blood season two, with cheese doodles and beer, and when Sookie and Bill started getting it on, her hand moved to my breast and begun to fondle it. When the show was over, we went in to the bedroom, and she ordered me on to the bed. She tied me down, feet together and arms spread wide apart, and secured the ropes in the bed.
And then she proceeded to beat me, hard, with the leather tawse. It was really difficult to relax, and I couldn't stop squirming until I started to really focus on the pain, on every stroke. By then she had one of her feet on the small of my back, pushing me down, and a rope around my neck, holding it tight. I was bound, pushed, strangled and beaten, and could finally drift away into the sensations. I know my breathing slows then, and my pulse too. She said she had to check on me now and then, to see that I was okay, but I didn't notice that. I just was, existed.
When she was done, she told me that for once she hadn't kept going until I started to bleed, but instead had kept going even though I was bleeding. That idea made me inexplicably happy. I hesitantly told her (or more whispered in to the pillows) that I would like to stay were I was for a while, and that I had this idea in my head that maybe she would go and do something else. I guess I pictured her going in to the other room and look up porn on the computer or something. Instead she said yes, she would leave me - and go walk the dog.
Which she did. I stayed, obviously, feeling completely at ease and safe on the one hand, and longing for her to come back on the other. She came back, not long after, slowly untied me and then we cuddled, kissed and eventually fucked until I saw stars flying around in the room.
Now I'm really really tired and looking forward to crawling in to bed with the one I love most in the whole world.
Sep 23, 2012
Beatings and fucking - the good stuff!
She beat me again and fucked me yesterday. I wasn't very receptive in the beginning, I honestly think it's the meds messing with my sex drive. She told me to lay on my stomach with a pillow shoved under me, and beat me with the tawse. I couldn't really lie still, and it wasn't nice, only hurtful. And then she said "I want you to stay her, and touch yourself. I'm going away for a while, and when I come back, I'll beat you some more." And then she left, and there I was.
It was wonderful, actually. It gave me time to think and relax and get into the mood, and when she came back a while later, it was easier for me. I was still not aroused, really, but more relaxed. And then suddenly, I thought that it didn't matter if I was turned on or not, that she didn't care, that my only job was to lay there. And that thought alone made it all loosen up, my lust returned, and I was suddenly all for it.
She went away for another while, with the same order, and when she returned, I was really really wet and longing for her. She beat me again, and ended with 30 really really hard ones. Afterwards she told me that she had been aiming for making me bleed again, and when she had succeeded, she finished it off with those last heavy strokes. Sometimes I'm pretty sure she's a sadist...
And afterwards she fucked me from behind until she came, and then allowed me to turn over and kept fucking me 'til I came too. And we were spent and close and happy.
Today I have some real soreness in one of my butt cheeks. I love it!
It was wonderful, actually. It gave me time to think and relax and get into the mood, and when she came back a while later, it was easier for me. I was still not aroused, really, but more relaxed. And then suddenly, I thought that it didn't matter if I was turned on or not, that she didn't care, that my only job was to lay there. And that thought alone made it all loosen up, my lust returned, and I was suddenly all for it.
She went away for another while, with the same order, and when she returned, I was really really wet and longing for her. She beat me again, and ended with 30 really really hard ones. Afterwards she told me that she had been aiming for making me bleed again, and when she had succeeded, she finished it off with those last heavy strokes. Sometimes I'm pretty sure she's a sadist...
And afterwards she fucked me from behind until she came, and then allowed me to turn over and kept fucking me 'til I came too. And we were spent and close and happy.
Today I have some real soreness in one of my butt cheeks. I love it!
Sep 22, 2012
She's back
And now she's home again, and the centre of my world is returned. I love being aware of how awesome her body feels, how great she looks, how good it makes me feel to simply touch her and be near her.
Okay, then she's forced to herd and cater to and argue with little S for hours at the time, while I hide away in order to protect my poor head from the sheer racket of it all, and we hardly see each other and her voice gets curter and shriller for every minute, and I can hear the stress building up. And then I feel bad and my bad conscience rears its ugly head. I wish our lifes was a bit simpler. I so very much wish her life was a little bit simpler.
But then again, without us her life would be empty. I want to believe we both contribute to her existence, not only me but little S too. I think we do.
And it wont always be like this. I will be healthy again, and have more energy and be able to contribute more. And when I've graduated I'll be able to get a job and we'll have more money, and there's a lot to say for throwing money at problems and make them go away. And little S do gets easier the more she grows. Her personality wont change, I suspect, but her ability to control impulses and understand instructions increases, which makes everything easier.
And almost the first thing Mistress did when she got home was to take her belt out of the loops of her jeans and beat me with it. And then she fucked me. I think we're in an okay place, in the big scheme of things.
But now I'm hoping she'll do it again soon.
Okay, then she's forced to herd and cater to and argue with little S for hours at the time, while I hide away in order to protect my poor head from the sheer racket of it all, and we hardly see each other and her voice gets curter and shriller for every minute, and I can hear the stress building up. And then I feel bad and my bad conscience rears its ugly head. I wish our lifes was a bit simpler. I so very much wish her life was a little bit simpler.
But then again, without us her life would be empty. I want to believe we both contribute to her existence, not only me but little S too. I think we do.
And it wont always be like this. I will be healthy again, and have more energy and be able to contribute more. And when I've graduated I'll be able to get a job and we'll have more money, and there's a lot to say for throwing money at problems and make them go away. And little S do gets easier the more she grows. Her personality wont change, I suspect, but her ability to control impulses and understand instructions increases, which makes everything easier.
And almost the first thing Mistress did when she got home was to take her belt out of the loops of her jeans and beat me with it. And then she fucked me. I think we're in an okay place, in the big scheme of things.
But now I'm hoping she'll do it again soon.
Aug 5, 2012
Making me bleed
The day before yesterday, when little S had gone to sleep, I was out in the kitchen sewing. Mistress came out to me, and told me to finish what I was doing, and then report to her. I finished that part of my project and went to the bedroom. She was laying on the bed reading, and when I stepped in, she told me to undress and get down on the bed.
The thing is, written like this, it sound so somber, so dangerous, stern. In actualitie, it's not. It's warm and cute and full of laughter. There's no doubt that she's the boss and that I will obey her, and that is easy to convey in writing. The underlaying love and humor and general warmth is harder to get through. But it's there, always.
She told me that she was going to give me a hundred strokes with the rattan, in segments of 25; the first ones easy, and then harder and harder. And then, if she felt like it, she would just continue to beat me. "But I think I'll have to restrain you first" she said, and I answered "Yes please Mistress!". It's so much easier and less scary to be beaten when I'm bound up, especially if it's hard.
And when I was laying naked and chained to the bed, she proceeded to beat me on the ass with the rattan, and I breathed in to the pillow and tried not to move. At the end the strokes came hard and fast, and eventually she switched to the smaller rattan and just kept on hitting. By then I was gone, floating on the pain, having no desire for it to ever stop. And then, after a particular stroke, she said "Finally!", and put down the rattan. She turned me around and fucked me until we both came.
Afterwards, on her arm, I asked what the "Finally!" had been all about. "Well" she answered "I wanted to make you bleed, so I beat you until you did. I took awhile, though, and I wanted to do other stuff too." I nodded, and sighed happily.
There's something in her very calculated, deliberat way of handling me that just makes my heart melt. A true romantic!
The thing is, written like this, it sound so somber, so dangerous, stern. In actualitie, it's not. It's warm and cute and full of laughter. There's no doubt that she's the boss and that I will obey her, and that is easy to convey in writing. The underlaying love and humor and general warmth is harder to get through. But it's there, always.
She told me that she was going to give me a hundred strokes with the rattan, in segments of 25; the first ones easy, and then harder and harder. And then, if she felt like it, she would just continue to beat me. "But I think I'll have to restrain you first" she said, and I answered "Yes please Mistress!". It's so much easier and less scary to be beaten when I'm bound up, especially if it's hard.
And when I was laying naked and chained to the bed, she proceeded to beat me on the ass with the rattan, and I breathed in to the pillow and tried not to move. At the end the strokes came hard and fast, and eventually she switched to the smaller rattan and just kept on hitting. By then I was gone, floating on the pain, having no desire for it to ever stop. And then, after a particular stroke, she said "Finally!", and put down the rattan. She turned me around and fucked me until we both came.
Afterwards, on her arm, I asked what the "Finally!" had been all about. "Well" she answered "I wanted to make you bleed, so I beat you until you did. I took awhile, though, and I wanted to do other stuff too." I nodded, and sighed happily.
There's something in her very calculated, deliberat way of handling me that just makes my heart melt. A true romantic!
Jul 20, 2012
A pick-n-mix of good and bad
Being depressed sucks. What astonishing news. I'm quite ready to be healthy again now, thank you. All done with this stuff. Unfortunately, that's not how it works. This far, I'm at the stage were only the side-effects of the anti-depressants have kicked in yet, so the only result of the medication is nausea and grumpiness. Yey.
But Mistress bound me down and whipped me this morning, that really was great. I simply sunk into it and floated, relaxing and letting go. Afterwards, there was some blood, and I can still feel the sting of it. I like that. I fell asleep for a while after, and slept a lot this night, but that doesn't stop me from being perpetually insanely tired. But still, being beaten was nice.
And she's ordered a collar! It makes me all kinds of happy. A little nervous, I'm not really sure why, but mostly really really happy.
But Mistress bound me down and whipped me this morning, that really was great. I simply sunk into it and floated, relaxing and letting go. Afterwards, there was some blood, and I can still feel the sting of it. I like that. I fell asleep for a while after, and slept a lot this night, but that doesn't stop me from being perpetually insanely tired. But still, being beaten was nice.
And she's ordered a collar! It makes me all kinds of happy. A little nervous, I'm not really sure why, but mostly really really happy.
Jun 25, 2012
Vacation
We're visiting my in-laws in their cabin by the sea, in the northern Baltic. The cabin is right by the shoreline, and there's something about the seas' constant motion and the sounds of water and birds and the wind in the trees that soothes my mind. On the one hand I seem to sleep or want to sleep all the time, on the other hand it feels like my mind is healing.
We seriously need to get that house in the country, away from noise and other people. I would feel so much better. But that means me getting a proper job, that can pay for half of such a house without me having to work full time, and that means graduating. One more poor year with full time studies, and then we can move forward.
One of the greatest thing with staying here is the sleeping arrangements. Little S sleeps with grandma in a small outhouse with room for two beds and nothing else, grandpa sleeps in the main cabin together with two big rottweilers that takes grandmas bed - apparently they both like that better than their normal arrangement. And me and Mistress sleeps alone in a small cabin a bit away from the main cabin, down by the water. Alone. The key word here is alone.
Little S wouldn't fit even if she wanted to, it is so tiny. But she wants to sleep with grandma, thank God.
Yesterday, Mistress chained my hands to a chain looped around my waist, and pushed me forward on the bed. I had a gagball in my mouth, and she proceeded to whip me, first with her hands, and then with a switch I had cut and peeled earlier. It was terrifying and horribly painful and beautiful and absolutely delicious, all at the same time. And she told me to scream if I wanted to, and that fact alone makes me love our little cabin by the sea.
We seriously need to get that house in the country, away from noise and other people. I would feel so much better. But that means me getting a proper job, that can pay for half of such a house without me having to work full time, and that means graduating. One more poor year with full time studies, and then we can move forward.
One of the greatest thing with staying here is the sleeping arrangements. Little S sleeps with grandma in a small outhouse with room for two beds and nothing else, grandpa sleeps in the main cabin together with two big rottweilers that takes grandmas bed - apparently they both like that better than their normal arrangement. And me and Mistress sleeps alone in a small cabin a bit away from the main cabin, down by the water. Alone. The key word here is alone.
Little S wouldn't fit even if she wanted to, it is so tiny. But she wants to sleep with grandma, thank God.
Yesterday, Mistress chained my hands to a chain looped around my waist, and pushed me forward on the bed. I had a gagball in my mouth, and she proceeded to whip me, first with her hands, and then with a switch I had cut and peeled earlier. It was terrifying and horribly painful and beautiful and absolutely delicious, all at the same time. And she told me to scream if I wanted to, and that fact alone makes me love our little cabin by the sea.
Jun 12, 2012
True evil, I tell you!
First, she beats my ass with the very thick rattan 60 times simply because Sweden played Ukraine in soccer and lost with 2-1 last night, and then ten more times really hard just because she wanted to (those I really liked).
And then she went to pick up little S from grandma, and leaves we with an order to keep watching a very old episode from Dallas that's on, simply because she used to watch that all the time when she was little and it makes her nostalgic. At least she allowed me to have the computer on at the same time. But still. Sadist!
But that'sok. I've had two glasses of wine, so on the one hand I can't spell, but then on the other hand, I can stand watching Dallas. Without it, I might have regretted not having a safeword...
And then she went to pick up little S from grandma, and leaves we with an order to keep watching a very old episode from Dallas that's on, simply because she used to watch that all the time when she was little and it makes her nostalgic. At least she allowed me to have the computer on at the same time. But still. Sadist!
But that'sok. I've had two glasses of wine, so on the one hand I can't spell, but then on the other hand, I can stand watching Dallas. Without it, I might have regretted not having a safeword...
May 16, 2012
Caning and hockey and sleeping and stuff
And then there's the good stuff. Like her beating me with the rattan yesterday before bedtime, simply because it's the Hockey World Cup, and Sweden played Norway with 3-0 in goals when we shut the teve off and I get ten strokes for every goal. For no particular reason, except that she thinks it's fun and it makes me a little bit more invested in the game when we watch it (at least I look up and goes "Awww" when someone scores a goal, instead of shutting it out completely). Oh, and it's also sexy.
She didn't stop at thirty, but then again I didn't think she would. I had lost count by then (I lost count by two, or something) but there's a difference in the quality of the strokes when she moves from striking a preset number, to simply continuing because it feels good. It's not harder, per se, but different. Both are nice.
Well, nice and painful and difficult, I mean, someone is beating on my bare ass with a big stick, it's not nice as in cuddly-feely-feels good. But it's nice. It's good. It makes me feel that I'm owned and alright and that everything is as it should be. It makes me feel like myself, all the way deep down.
And then she hooked the chain to my collar and we spooned and eventually fell asleep, and gloriously little S slept all night which makes all the difference in the world.
She didn't stop at thirty, but then again I didn't think she would. I had lost count by then (I lost count by two, or something) but there's a difference in the quality of the strokes when she moves from striking a preset number, to simply continuing because it feels good. It's not harder, per se, but different. Both are nice.
Well, nice and painful and difficult, I mean, someone is beating on my bare ass with a big stick, it's not nice as in cuddly-feely-feels good. But it's nice. It's good. It makes me feel that I'm owned and alright and that everything is as it should be. It makes me feel like myself, all the way deep down.
And then she hooked the chain to my collar and we spooned and eventually fell asleep, and gloriously little S slept all night which makes all the difference in the world.
Apr 29, 2012
Beaten
On another note, my mom babysat today, taking care of little S a few hours before lunch, and we had some precious alone time. At first, we simply talked and cuddled, and then I had this vision in my head of being tied up and ruthlessly beaten.
She liked the idea, and made it come true, with the added bonus of her fucking me from behind afterwards, tied to the bed with all limbs except for my right arm, which she let free so that I could touch myself and orgasm on her request while she fucked me.
It really was a sever beating, both harder than usual and with almost no warm-up. Now my ass is still a little red and quite sore, and my soul is all tender and loving. I'm longing for tonight, when little S is asleep, and she can hold me tight again.
She liked the idea, and made it come true, with the added bonus of her fucking me from behind afterwards, tied to the bed with all limbs except for my right arm, which she let free so that I could touch myself and orgasm on her request while she fucked me.
It really was a sever beating, both harder than usual and with almost no warm-up. Now my ass is still a little red and quite sore, and my soul is all tender and loving. I'm longing for tonight, when little S is asleep, and she can hold me tight again.
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