Three days ago, Friday last week, I took an exam that I once failed at. I took it once when I actually studied the course, screwed it up due to lack of studying combined with an excess of strenous weekend activities the days before, and then never got around to fixing it. Of course I had plenty of opportunities, but life just kind of kept going and I never managed to get to it.
Yesterday I took it. I'm quite confident that I'm going to pass, I see no reason why I shouldn't. The big thing, however, is that I actually, at long last, invested the time and the energy to get it done. Or maybe I shouldn't say that I did. I should say that Mistress did.
It's all due to her helping me, focusing me, prioritising all the things in our lives and motivating me. She said I should do this, and now I have.
This is actually the only exam I have ever failed at while studying at the University, and it figures that I never took it again, since I tend to go by "if at first you don't succeed, hide all evidence of ever having tried it" (Hillary Clinton, if I remember correctly). It was my first course ever at the University as a matter of fact, and it was in the year 2000. That's thirteen years ago. Thirteen years has this thing been unresolved, not finished. Now it is (or will be very soon). And even though I did the studying and was the one who held the pen to the paper, she's the one who made it happen.
She's just so amazingly good for me.
(What course it was? English 101. Go figure.)
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Nov 11, 2013
Oct 5, 2013
A day in the life of a stay-at-home slave
I'm having trouble accepting just how good things are right now. That's a first world problem if I ever heard of one... But really, it scares me a bit, because how it is right now is something I could live with forever. And that's a bit troublesome, because right now I don't do much.
I'm a stay-at-home slave for the moment. I mean, I'm not even a stay-at-home mom, because that would require my kid to be, you know, at home. But she's not, she's almost full time at pre-school. I usually get home around nine thirty after dropping her off in the morning, and then I go pick her up after four in the afternoon. And really I'm not a housewife either, because doesn't a housewife do like all the housework?
I once read a study where a lot of couples in Sweden had filled in surveys about the amount of housework they did, each person in the household answering separately. And of course, in heterosexual relationships with kids the woman did an insane amount more of the housework, many more hours per week more than the man, unrelated to their professional workload. Except for if the woman worked full time and the man was unemployed, those couples were statistically most equal, since then the men did roughly half...
So yeah. In that scenario, I'm the guy. Mistress works full time, and she still does all the laundry, most of the grocery shopping, all the planning, always cleans up after dinner and do most of the vacuuming. I vacuum occasionally, clean the bathroom, cook dinner, sometimes empty the dishwasher, shop some groceries and do strange errands like picking up parcels at the post office or getting shoes mended and other odd things, and usually leaves off and picks up the kid, but at best one can say I do half. Which is an enormous improvement compared to last year, when I did literary nothing, since I devoted all my energy to getting through school.
But the thing is, I love this. Finally, for the fist time in my life or at least since I was five, the demands placed on me are equal to or lower than my resources. I'm not exhausted. I'm enough. What I'm capable of doing without getting sick is for the first time enough for the tasks that I need to fulfil. I've always felt like Bilbo in the Lord of the Rings when he explains the effect the Ring has on him as thinning him out, like to little butter on a to big piece of toast. I've always felt stretched, always felt that what I am and what I do and what I manage isn't enough. Naturally, since it hasn't been enough, since I have lived my whole life with an undiagnosed neurological handicap.
I love being Mistress' stay-at-home slave. I love it so much. For the first time, we have a routine that actually works. And it shows on Mistress too. She's been able to go to the gym. She had lunch with a friend the other day (they realised that they hadn't seen each other alone for two years, and they live 20 minutes apart...). Even though I regularly have depressive thoughts about not doing enough for us as a family, Mistress seems to appreciate the things I actually manage to do a lot. And that means the world to me.
I like my days. I get home in the morning, I drink coffee and rest for a while, and then I usually do something - go to the gym, or to a pony I've started to take for walks in the woods. She's young and she's much to small for me to ride, but the owner appreciates that she gets attention and exercise, and I appreciate the equestrian company. Then I have lunch, either at home or a lunch date with one of my friends, and around two I go rest. I always rest in the afternoon, and it's a really good thing for me. I usually start with a mindfulness-exercise laying on the bed, and after that I just roll over and sleep for an hour.
And then it's time to get myself ready, take a shower if I haven't done that, prepare dinner and straighten things up a little bit, and then go get little S. Mistress comes home around five, she plays with the kid and I finish dinner or the other way around, we eat at five-thirty, Mistress cleans the kitchen while little S and I watch telly and then usually they play until bedtime and I go rest again (I rest a lot). But the other day I actually went to the store and got milk and bread and stuff, that was a bit of a milestone too.
And then we have our going-to-bed routine that takes from six-thirty to seven-thirty, and after that it's time for me and Mistress to hang out, talk about our day and cuddle on the sofa.
I love this routine. I have no idea how I'm ever going to be able to stuff another full time job in to this family again. Last year we both worked more than full time. No wonder we're exhausted. That was crazy. Now, when I'm left to my own devices most of the day, I can rest, exercise and meet friends as much as I need to during the day, and have just enough energy over for my family the rest of the time. I get why I got sick, and I definitely get why I haven't been to the gym, eaten healthy or had much of a social life the last couple of year. I had, obviously, school instead.
I like this. I'm going to take a nap now.
Oh, and this was my 200th post. Yey!
I'm a stay-at-home slave for the moment. I mean, I'm not even a stay-at-home mom, because that would require my kid to be, you know, at home. But she's not, she's almost full time at pre-school. I usually get home around nine thirty after dropping her off in the morning, and then I go pick her up after four in the afternoon. And really I'm not a housewife either, because doesn't a housewife do like all the housework?
I once read a study where a lot of couples in Sweden had filled in surveys about the amount of housework they did, each person in the household answering separately. And of course, in heterosexual relationships with kids the woman did an insane amount more of the housework, many more hours per week more than the man, unrelated to their professional workload. Except for if the woman worked full time and the man was unemployed, those couples were statistically most equal, since then the men did roughly half...
So yeah. In that scenario, I'm the guy. Mistress works full time, and she still does all the laundry, most of the grocery shopping, all the planning, always cleans up after dinner and do most of the vacuuming. I vacuum occasionally, clean the bathroom, cook dinner, sometimes empty the dishwasher, shop some groceries and do strange errands like picking up parcels at the post office or getting shoes mended and other odd things, and usually leaves off and picks up the kid, but at best one can say I do half. Which is an enormous improvement compared to last year, when I did literary nothing, since I devoted all my energy to getting through school.
But the thing is, I love this. Finally, for the fist time in my life or at least since I was five, the demands placed on me are equal to or lower than my resources. I'm not exhausted. I'm enough. What I'm capable of doing without getting sick is for the first time enough for the tasks that I need to fulfil. I've always felt like Bilbo in the Lord of the Rings when he explains the effect the Ring has on him as thinning him out, like to little butter on a to big piece of toast. I've always felt stretched, always felt that what I am and what I do and what I manage isn't enough. Naturally, since it hasn't been enough, since I have lived my whole life with an undiagnosed neurological handicap.
I love being Mistress' stay-at-home slave. I love it so much. For the first time, we have a routine that actually works. And it shows on Mistress too. She's been able to go to the gym. She had lunch with a friend the other day (they realised that they hadn't seen each other alone for two years, and they live 20 minutes apart...). Even though I regularly have depressive thoughts about not doing enough for us as a family, Mistress seems to appreciate the things I actually manage to do a lot. And that means the world to me.
I like my days. I get home in the morning, I drink coffee and rest for a while, and then I usually do something - go to the gym, or to a pony I've started to take for walks in the woods. She's young and she's much to small for me to ride, but the owner appreciates that she gets attention and exercise, and I appreciate the equestrian company. Then I have lunch, either at home or a lunch date with one of my friends, and around two I go rest. I always rest in the afternoon, and it's a really good thing for me. I usually start with a mindfulness-exercise laying on the bed, and after that I just roll over and sleep for an hour.
And then it's time to get myself ready, take a shower if I haven't done that, prepare dinner and straighten things up a little bit, and then go get little S. Mistress comes home around five, she plays with the kid and I finish dinner or the other way around, we eat at five-thirty, Mistress cleans the kitchen while little S and I watch telly and then usually they play until bedtime and I go rest again (I rest a lot). But the other day I actually went to the store and got milk and bread and stuff, that was a bit of a milestone too.
And then we have our going-to-bed routine that takes from six-thirty to seven-thirty, and after that it's time for me and Mistress to hang out, talk about our day and cuddle on the sofa.
I love this routine. I have no idea how I'm ever going to be able to stuff another full time job in to this family again. Last year we both worked more than full time. No wonder we're exhausted. That was crazy. Now, when I'm left to my own devices most of the day, I can rest, exercise and meet friends as much as I need to during the day, and have just enough energy over for my family the rest of the time. I get why I got sick, and I definitely get why I haven't been to the gym, eaten healthy or had much of a social life the last couple of year. I had, obviously, school instead.
I like this. I'm going to take a nap now.
Oh, and this was my 200th post. Yey!
Jun 8, 2013
Almost there
I had my graduation party yesterday. All my credits aren't registered yet, and I haven't turned in a finalised corrected version of the thesis, nor applied for an exam (one have to fill in a form and post it, and then the actual graduation certificate comes in the mail) so there's a little bit still to go before I'm done. But the ritualistic end-of-term ceremony was yesterday, in the University big and old lecture hall, with speeches and diplomas.
At the end of it we all walked down the stairs from the podium and through the big hall, and when I ventured down, my kid had worked her way up from the back of the hall all the way up front as close to me as she could get without actually climbing up on stage with me.
She was probably about to do that, but Mistress got after her, and when I walked by, they both stood there, and I simply grabbed the kid in passing and walked in the procession with my classmates with my diploma in one hand and holding my three year old on my hip with the other. And with Mistress collar around my neck. I don't think I ever have been that proud in my life. I might have been even happier when we got married, but I do think this was my proudest moment so far.
Today I'm feeling kind of sea-sick and almost hungover, but that's okay. I'm all done now, anyway.
At the end of it we all walked down the stairs from the podium and through the big hall, and when I ventured down, my kid had worked her way up from the back of the hall all the way up front as close to me as she could get without actually climbing up on stage with me.
She was probably about to do that, but Mistress got after her, and when I walked by, they both stood there, and I simply grabbed the kid in passing and walked in the procession with my classmates with my diploma in one hand and holding my three year old on my hip with the other. And with Mistress collar around my neck. I don't think I ever have been that proud in my life. I might have been even happier when we got married, but I do think this was my proudest moment so far.
Today I'm feeling kind of sea-sick and almost hungover, but that's okay. I'm all done now, anyway.
Jun 3, 2013
No worries
I don't know if me and Mistress has ever been in some sense so far apart from each other as we have been this last month. I've been working working working, and she has too, and we've more or less just passed each other by on our way between different chores. Every night we cuddle up together and fall asleep - but that's not enough, not by a long shot.
And now, when it's been several days, a whole week end, since I handed in my thesis, and Mistress for once hasn't got any pressing deadlines at work, we've still hadn't had sex. I'm not sure it's even been this long for us not having sex.
Well yes it has because the end part of pregnancy and the time after delivery weren't not all that sexy, but that was different. And also, we did have sex something like two weeks before delivery and three weeks after, so it was really a minimum of abstaining, considering the circumstances. Now it's like it's the same thing, only it's not a baby, it's a university graduation.
The amazing thing, though, is the lack of angst we're having over it. It's like I can for once completely put it down to limitations in time and energy, and I feel confident that it's neither anything to do with lack of love, or something that is going to last forever. Give us a couple of weeks of reasonable amount of work and some time spent together just the two of us, and I bet we'll be at it like rabbits again...
I'm looking forward to this summer so much that I can almost taste it.
And now, when it's been several days, a whole week end, since I handed in my thesis, and Mistress for once hasn't got any pressing deadlines at work, we've still hadn't had sex. I'm not sure it's even been this long for us not having sex.
Well yes it has because the end part of pregnancy and the time after delivery weren't not all that sexy, but that was different. And also, we did have sex something like two weeks before delivery and three weeks after, so it was really a minimum of abstaining, considering the circumstances. Now it's like it's the same thing, only it's not a baby, it's a university graduation.
The amazing thing, though, is the lack of angst we're having over it. It's like I can for once completely put it down to limitations in time and energy, and I feel confident that it's neither anything to do with lack of love, or something that is going to last forever. Give us a couple of weeks of reasonable amount of work and some time spent together just the two of us, and I bet we'll be at it like rabbits again...
I'm looking forward to this summer so much that I can almost taste it.
May 28, 2013
Final stages of school
Right now, I hate my Master thesis. It's 61 pages I never ever ever want to read again. Ever.
Tomorrow afternoon is it due. We're still waiting for the tutors comments for half of it - which he promised us he would give Monday morning. Aaargh.
And another person who commented filled up the result-section with happy suggestions along the lines of "here I would like a graph showing this and that in this way". I'm like, yeah, and I want a pony...
Soon soon soon. Mistress declared that I would "get so much ass-whopping when this is over!" and I'm... looking forward to it. I think.
I'm definitely looking forward to giving my poor brain a chance to recuperate. It's starting to smell burnt and there's smoke coming out of the ears.
Tomorrow afternoon is it due. We're still waiting for the tutors comments for half of it - which he promised us he would give Monday morning. Aaargh.
And another person who commented filled up the result-section with happy suggestions along the lines of "here I would like a graph showing this and that in this way". I'm like, yeah, and I want a pony...
Soon soon soon. Mistress declared that I would "get so much ass-whopping when this is over!" and I'm... looking forward to it. I think.
I'm definitely looking forward to giving my poor brain a chance to recuperate. It's starting to smell burnt and there's smoke coming out of the ears.
May 15, 2013
All work and no play
May 28th me and my partner are handing in the finalized draft of our Master thesis. We've been working on it all this semester, and we're in the final stages now. It's a lot of statistics, a lot of text, and a lot of work.
I'm exhausted.
That's about it.
I'm exhausted.
That's about it.
May 3, 2013
Getting what I need
I have a sleeping dog beside me. That always make sitting on the couch with the laptop even nicer than usual. I'm hungry and need coffee, however, so in a short while I'm going to disturb the peace.
I should be heading out by now, to see my thesis-colleague. But some things are much easier now than say a year ago. I got migraine or something similar yesterday, and gritted my teeth through the afternoon. When I finally got home, feeling sick and shaking with cold and with a headache that felt like something was trying to get out of my skull by sheer force, I could finally take some pills and go lay down. The pills helped quite nicely, but I felt weird all evening.
And when we were, eventually, curled up on the sofa together after little S had fallen asleep, I asked Mistress if I could meet a friend in the afternoon, after seeing with my colleague. And she looked at me with utter astonishment and said that I hadn't mention having made any dates, and that she had taken for granted that I would be at home resting after the migraine.
And do you know what I did? I said "yes, Mistress, you're right. I didn't think about that. I probably shouldn't go anywhere or do anything hard tomorrow. I'll text M. and tell her our meeting is cancelled." And then I did.
No angst. No anger. No drama. No "but I really really have to! We'll never make it otherwise! I'm sure I'm fine tomorrow and then I'll feel bad for ditching school when I feel okay!". None of that.
But now Mistress texted me with the word: "Coffee!" which means I should stop this and go take a cup and a sandwich.
-----------
Well, that was about the whole story. I'm lounging about at home after having dropped litte S off later than usual at the pre-school. I have a small task to do for school, and nothing else. And I even get to go see my friend I. and have a latte with her down town, since luckily Mistress agreed with me that taking a bike ride in the sun down to the river and chatting with a friend probably does more good than harm when it comes to stress and stress symptoms.
There's no point in itself in sitting at home - the important thing for me is to no be exposed to situations that demands more concentration or executive functioning of me than I have the capacity to give.No noise, no crowd, no waiting, no decisions. Everything has to be calm and ordered and not demand anything in particular of me.
It feels so damn good to be allowed, and to allow myself, to listen to my body and my brain and take care of myself and not overdo it. To not force ahead at full speed no matter what and assume that it's perfectly normal to feel like shit all the time. It's not normal, it's not expected of me, and I don't have to do it. I can just sit her, on my couch, with my dog, and let my attention wander as it wants. It's exactly what I need right now.
Oh, and coffee of course!
I should be heading out by now, to see my thesis-colleague. But some things are much easier now than say a year ago. I got migraine or something similar yesterday, and gritted my teeth through the afternoon. When I finally got home, feeling sick and shaking with cold and with a headache that felt like something was trying to get out of my skull by sheer force, I could finally take some pills and go lay down. The pills helped quite nicely, but I felt weird all evening.
And when we were, eventually, curled up on the sofa together after little S had fallen asleep, I asked Mistress if I could meet a friend in the afternoon, after seeing with my colleague. And she looked at me with utter astonishment and said that I hadn't mention having made any dates, and that she had taken for granted that I would be at home resting after the migraine.
And do you know what I did? I said "yes, Mistress, you're right. I didn't think about that. I probably shouldn't go anywhere or do anything hard tomorrow. I'll text M. and tell her our meeting is cancelled." And then I did.
No angst. No anger. No drama. No "but I really really have to! We'll never make it otherwise! I'm sure I'm fine tomorrow and then I'll feel bad for ditching school when I feel okay!". None of that.
But now Mistress texted me with the word: "Coffee!" which means I should stop this and go take a cup and a sandwich.
-----------
Well, that was about the whole story. I'm lounging about at home after having dropped litte S off later than usual at the pre-school. I have a small task to do for school, and nothing else. And I even get to go see my friend I. and have a latte with her down town, since luckily Mistress agreed with me that taking a bike ride in the sun down to the river and chatting with a friend probably does more good than harm when it comes to stress and stress symptoms.
There's no point in itself in sitting at home - the important thing for me is to no be exposed to situations that demands more concentration or executive functioning of me than I have the capacity to give.No noise, no crowd, no waiting, no decisions. Everything has to be calm and ordered and not demand anything in particular of me.
It feels so damn good to be allowed, and to allow myself, to listen to my body and my brain and take care of myself and not overdo it. To not force ahead at full speed no matter what and assume that it's perfectly normal to feel like shit all the time. It's not normal, it's not expected of me, and I don't have to do it. I can just sit her, on my couch, with my dog, and let my attention wander as it wants. It's exactly what I need right now.
Oh, and coffee of course!
Apr 19, 2013
Taking a break
I have only a few tasks today. I'm going to apply for a few jobs, I haven't decided how many yet. Not more than three, but only if I find three that I really want. We're not desperate yet, I can hold off applying for anything with a salary till after the summer.
And then I'm going to go out jogging for a bit. And pick up my meds from the pharmacy. That's it.
Okay, job applying is quite a chore, but I don't have to go anywhere. I don't have things interrupting me. I can call friends if I like, but I'm not seeing anyone or doing anything today.
Oh my God how I need this!
I actually had an exam today. But I haven't had time to study, and my brain is in such a bad state right now Mistress decided my time was better spent at home, recuperating and job hunting. There's another go at the exam in the end of May, I'll take it then instead.
Right now, it's quiet around me. Bliss.
(And little S didn't wake Mistress up at all during the night, we actually woke up before she called for Mommy! I got to snuggle with my wife before breakfast! Best morning ever!)
And then I'm going to go out jogging for a bit. And pick up my meds from the pharmacy. That's it.
Okay, job applying is quite a chore, but I don't have to go anywhere. I don't have things interrupting me. I can call friends if I like, but I'm not seeing anyone or doing anything today.
Oh my God how I need this!
I actually had an exam today. But I haven't had time to study, and my brain is in such a bad state right now Mistress decided my time was better spent at home, recuperating and job hunting. There's another go at the exam in the end of May, I'll take it then instead.
Right now, it's quiet around me. Bliss.
(And little S didn't wake Mistress up at all during the night, we actually woke up before she called for Mommy! I got to snuggle with my wife before breakfast! Best morning ever!)
Apr 18, 2013
Brainy
It's mostly just work and stress around here. There's some good bits tucked in here and there too, but I'm usually to tired to write about them.
Or tired or something. I say "tired" but it's not in the usual sense. It's not sleepiness, nor is it physical exhaustion. It's... it's like the check engine light in the car has started to blink and all of a sudden there's a weird burnt smell and some kind of funny noise is coming from under the hood. If, that is, my brain was a car.
I stop functioning. It was like that all the time a year or so ago, especially in the summer and fall, but it's getting progressively better. But even if the amount of cognitive tasks I can perform each day without the whole system going hay-wire has increased, it's still limited. The combination of a lot of school work and Mistress working like a crazy person the last couple of weeks has emptied out any and all reserves. Again, my brain is broken.
I broke my brain!! Aaaaahhhhh!!
But of course I didn't. The brain is a splendid thing, and it's both plastic and repairable. But right now, it needs repairing. It needs calm and quite and an absence of pressure or demands, and not to much stress in the executive functioning area.
Mistress talked to her mother yesterday and mentioned the stress we're under, and she answered "well, you'll have to relax during the weekend."
Yeah. I think that very much highlights the problem. Relax during the weekend? How?
Little S still wakes Mistress up at six o'clock. At weekends we don't have pre-school, which means we take turns taking care of the kid all day - a job that is far more nerve-wracking, exhausting and stressful than anything we do during week days. If we want to see each other at all we also have to both be out and about at play grounds or play dates or doing Play-Dooh in the kitchen, since that's where the kid is. It might be fun, and I love our kid, but relaxing? Not so much.
And since even with working at evenings can't get what we need done, we usually spend the time not taking care of kid working. Or at least Mistress does. I tend to just veg out, but that time is not nearly enough for any real recuperation, and also, it's not filled with anything.
It's rest, but if my life only revolves around hard work that destroys my brain, or empty rest, devoid of amusement, social life or meaningful activity, then I get depressed. It's not rocket science. The surest way to make you feel like there's nothing fun in your life is to lead a life without anything fun in it.
But okay, that's unfair, I do have fun things in my life. I'm just a little too tired or brain-fucked right now. I love playing with little S. I love doing fun stuff with her, going places with her, I love reading to her and playing games with her, and cuddling and tickling her. It's not all stress and a burden - it's a lot of fun and love and happiness too. It's just more so when my brain isn't fried.
And me and Mistress do get time together every day, we usually hangs out in front of the television an hour or so every night. And we have nice family breakfasts every morning, and sometimes we even get to talk to each other during those...
And I actually like my school work right now. I like doing a project, and I like writing this thesis. But it's hard work, and at the same time that I like doing it, it scares me. There's a lot of stress just around the idea that we might somehow fail. I don't think we will, but there's still this feeling of fear and apprehension, of performance anxiety.
I'm going to rest my head now. Obviously, blogging is hard work too, says my brain.
Or tired or something. I say "tired" but it's not in the usual sense. It's not sleepiness, nor is it physical exhaustion. It's... it's like the check engine light in the car has started to blink and all of a sudden there's a weird burnt smell and some kind of funny noise is coming from under the hood. If, that is, my brain was a car.
I stop functioning. It was like that all the time a year or so ago, especially in the summer and fall, but it's getting progressively better. But even if the amount of cognitive tasks I can perform each day without the whole system going hay-wire has increased, it's still limited. The combination of a lot of school work and Mistress working like a crazy person the last couple of weeks has emptied out any and all reserves. Again, my brain is broken.
I broke my brain!! Aaaaahhhhh!!
But of course I didn't. The brain is a splendid thing, and it's both plastic and repairable. But right now, it needs repairing. It needs calm and quite and an absence of pressure or demands, and not to much stress in the executive functioning area.
Mistress talked to her mother yesterday and mentioned the stress we're under, and she answered "well, you'll have to relax during the weekend."
Yeah. I think that very much highlights the problem. Relax during the weekend? How?
Little S still wakes Mistress up at six o'clock. At weekends we don't have pre-school, which means we take turns taking care of the kid all day - a job that is far more nerve-wracking, exhausting and stressful than anything we do during week days. If we want to see each other at all we also have to both be out and about at play grounds or play dates or doing Play-Dooh in the kitchen, since that's where the kid is. It might be fun, and I love our kid, but relaxing? Not so much.
And since even with working at evenings can't get what we need done, we usually spend the time not taking care of kid working. Or at least Mistress does. I tend to just veg out, but that time is not nearly enough for any real recuperation, and also, it's not filled with anything.
It's rest, but if my life only revolves around hard work that destroys my brain, or empty rest, devoid of amusement, social life or meaningful activity, then I get depressed. It's not rocket science. The surest way to make you feel like there's nothing fun in your life is to lead a life without anything fun in it.
But okay, that's unfair, I do have fun things in my life. I'm just a little too tired or brain-fucked right now. I love playing with little S. I love doing fun stuff with her, going places with her, I love reading to her and playing games with her, and cuddling and tickling her. It's not all stress and a burden - it's a lot of fun and love and happiness too. It's just more so when my brain isn't fried.
And me and Mistress do get time together every day, we usually hangs out in front of the television an hour or so every night. And we have nice family breakfasts every morning, and sometimes we even get to talk to each other during those...
And I actually like my school work right now. I like doing a project, and I like writing this thesis. But it's hard work, and at the same time that I like doing it, it scares me. There's a lot of stress just around the idea that we might somehow fail. I don't think we will, but there's still this feeling of fear and apprehension, of performance anxiety.
I'm going to rest my head now. Obviously, blogging is hard work too, says my brain.
Apr 14, 2013
Giving things up
I just wrote a very sad email. A friend had asked, several times actually, if we wanted to come to the LARP she's organising this spring. I've been avoiding giving her an answer, but today I did. I wrote and said no thank you. We simply can't. And the moment I hit the send button, my heart felt like it was bursting.
I want to!! I want to keep my friends! I want to go to LARPs! I want to fantasize, roleplay, sleep in the woods and cook over an open fire. I want to wear the outfits I've sewn myself and for a moment, a few hours or a few days, enter a different reality, become someone else. I want that!
But I know that whatever I might fantasize about now, the last ten times we've tried it I haven't really been up for it. Sometimes I've skipped out in the last minute (a shitty thing to do) and sometimes I've gone through with it, out of duty more than enjoyment, and not gotten that much out of it.
I'm afraid that if we ever do have the time and energy again that all our friends will have forgotten us. Forgotten me. They do a hundred fun things every week (so I read on Facebook) and I don't. I'm not there. For the first few years I always thought that well, they'll be there when I get back to it, but I wonder how long that window will stay open? How long before any attempt to rejoin the ranks would be met with "who are you?"
And at the same time I simply can't work up enough enthusiasm about it. I like being home at the evening at week nights. I don't like going out after dinner, I'm tired and I want to be with Mistress the few hours we have alone together. I can go out, but the truth is I don't want to.
And our weekends are hard work taking care of little S. We've tried, numerous times, to bring her to things we enjoy, but she doesn't enjoy them and that ruins it for us. Of course we can go to a meeting and have her with us - but at least one of us will spend the entire time focusing on her, because otherwise she'll either destroy something, throw a tantrum or disappear, and that's not much of a meeting.
The truth is that the free time we do get we need to spend in a way that gives immediate satisfaction. Not planning for fun things that are going to happen in three months - we can't afford that. We need things that are fun now.
And I do get to see friends. The few I have that are 1) not super busy having a life and a hobby and not have time for me or living in a different city and 2) those that I've come close enough to actually call without anything specific in mind, those that want to go grab a coffee with me in particular, those that I can talk to about anything and nothing and simply enjoy the company of. I have those, and maybe the thing is that that is enough.
And also, the Master thesis. For once I'm doing a project at school. School takes up most of my energy not spent on little S, and that means I don't have much left. I actually enjoy what we're doing right now, but it drains me. I come home and I mostly want to sleep. Or kill things on the Playstation.
I don't know. I guess it's not the end of the world if I'm not one of the cool kids and all my acquaintances forget about me. Maybe what I'm grieving is a phase in my life that is over? LARPing saved my life (literary - it was at one of those times during my upbringing when I was a the brink of suicide) when I was seventeen, and has been my main thing in life until now. Or maybe until a couple of years ago.
Maybe I'm growing up - prioritising home life, school and job application, being a mom and having a nice home, over hobby and projects. I don't know. And I don't know whether it's a good thing or not. It is as it is, I guess, for the time being.
I want to!! I want to keep my friends! I want to go to LARPs! I want to fantasize, roleplay, sleep in the woods and cook over an open fire. I want to wear the outfits I've sewn myself and for a moment, a few hours or a few days, enter a different reality, become someone else. I want that!
But I know that whatever I might fantasize about now, the last ten times we've tried it I haven't really been up for it. Sometimes I've skipped out in the last minute (a shitty thing to do) and sometimes I've gone through with it, out of duty more than enjoyment, and not gotten that much out of it.
I'm afraid that if we ever do have the time and energy again that all our friends will have forgotten us. Forgotten me. They do a hundred fun things every week (so I read on Facebook) and I don't. I'm not there. For the first few years I always thought that well, they'll be there when I get back to it, but I wonder how long that window will stay open? How long before any attempt to rejoin the ranks would be met with "who are you?"
And at the same time I simply can't work up enough enthusiasm about it. I like being home at the evening at week nights. I don't like going out after dinner, I'm tired and I want to be with Mistress the few hours we have alone together. I can go out, but the truth is I don't want to.
And our weekends are hard work taking care of little S. We've tried, numerous times, to bring her to things we enjoy, but she doesn't enjoy them and that ruins it for us. Of course we can go to a meeting and have her with us - but at least one of us will spend the entire time focusing on her, because otherwise she'll either destroy something, throw a tantrum or disappear, and that's not much of a meeting.
The truth is that the free time we do get we need to spend in a way that gives immediate satisfaction. Not planning for fun things that are going to happen in three months - we can't afford that. We need things that are fun now.
And I do get to see friends. The few I have that are 1) not super busy having a life and a hobby and not have time for me or living in a different city and 2) those that I've come close enough to actually call without anything specific in mind, those that want to go grab a coffee with me in particular, those that I can talk to about anything and nothing and simply enjoy the company of. I have those, and maybe the thing is that that is enough.
And also, the Master thesis. For once I'm doing a project at school. School takes up most of my energy not spent on little S, and that means I don't have much left. I actually enjoy what we're doing right now, but it drains me. I come home and I mostly want to sleep. Or kill things on the Playstation.
I don't know. I guess it's not the end of the world if I'm not one of the cool kids and all my acquaintances forget about me. Maybe what I'm grieving is a phase in my life that is over? LARPing saved my life (literary - it was at one of those times during my upbringing when I was a the brink of suicide) when I was seventeen, and has been my main thing in life until now. Or maybe until a couple of years ago.
Maybe I'm growing up - prioritising home life, school and job application, being a mom and having a nice home, over hobby and projects. I don't know. And I don't know whether it's a good thing or not. It is as it is, I guess, for the time being.
Apr 10, 2013
Feb 11, 2013
Snow day
There was a lot of snow this morning, and Mistress decided to work from home. She goes by bus for 1,5 hours to work, and that road is treacherous, so this time of year sometimes she opts for not going. I was scheduled to sit at home all day writing on things for our thesis, and so we had company. She sat at the workplace and I in the bed beside her, and we actually worked quietly for hours. And then we had an hour long lunch break, during which we managed to squeeze all sorts of things. I cut Mistress' hair, and we had lunch, and then she spanked me with her belt for the first time for what feels like ages but isn't more than ten days or so, and fucked me. And then I made her a latte and we went back to work.
But honestly, she whipped me all red and fucked me to orgasm in less than fifteen minutes. We don't do speed dating, we do speed BDSM-sessions. I'm not sure what kind of skill this is - the most S/M-play in the least time? Is there competitions for this? Because we would have a good shot at winning!
Now she's picking up little S from pre-school, and I'm supposed to finish my school work so I'll get on that. I don't want her to start competing in "most punishment in shortest amount of time" either. I bet those don't end with an orgasm.
But honestly, she whipped me all red and fucked me to orgasm in less than fifteen minutes. We don't do speed dating, we do speed BDSM-sessions. I'm not sure what kind of skill this is - the most S/M-play in the least time? Is there competitions for this? Because we would have a good shot at winning!
Now she's picking up little S from pre-school, and I'm supposed to finish my school work so I'll get on that. I don't want her to start competing in "most punishment in shortest amount of time" either. I bet those don't end with an orgasm.
Feb 10, 2013
Job hunting
I'm applying for a job! Since it's one I would really really like, it makes my stomach fill up with butterflies. It's very very slow going, mostly because every time I try to do something with it I feel overwhelmed and switch to something else - like writing blog posts. Heh.
I'll graduate in June, and well, then it's time to get a job. A real job. With a real salary, and an office, and clients, and a boss, and colleagues, and my own coffee mug, and vacations, and contracts and insurance and rights and privileges and set work-hours. And other strange and new stuff.
I've been working for this for... well a lot of years. I got in at the program spring 2006, and I've been muddling along since then, interrupted a few times, not the least by childbirth. But I'm hanging in there, and soon, soon, I'm going to be done. Finished. Graduated.
The job in question is a temporary position, and they will most probably want to fill it before June, and I'll most likely not get it. But I'm going to apply anyway, mostly because it's at the place were I did my intern ship, and I loved it there. So I just have to go for it. I have nothing to loose.
I'll graduate in June, and well, then it's time to get a job. A real job. With a real salary, and an office, and clients, and a boss, and colleagues, and my own coffee mug, and vacations, and contracts and insurance and rights and privileges and set work-hours. And other strange and new stuff.
I've been working for this for... well a lot of years. I got in at the program spring 2006, and I've been muddling along since then, interrupted a few times, not the least by childbirth. But I'm hanging in there, and soon, soon, I'm going to be done. Finished. Graduated.
The job in question is a temporary position, and they will most probably want to fill it before June, and I'll most likely not get it. But I'm going to apply anyway, mostly because it's at the place were I did my intern ship, and I loved it there. So I just have to go for it. I have nothing to loose.
Feb 6, 2013
False advertisment?
Sometimes I want to make a t-shirt were I've written down everything that's odd about me. The thing is, the cool kids, the avant-garde, the norm-breakers, they tend to advertise. They have mohawks' and piercings and tats and cool clothes and listen to music that fits with their clothes and the crowd they hang out with.
When I went to gymnasiet (think High School, 16-19 years old) I hung out with a group of left wing vegetarians and vegans. They all had long hair, like really really long, long flowy skirts, and cared a lot about the environment and organised rallys and were politically aware. I was to. I did to. But I wore my hair short and had jeans all the time. Mostly the same pair - I'm not sure I owned more than one pair.
Later, I studied at the university and worked for a while, and I never got the hang of that outfit thing then either. Now I guess my look fits part of my life, since I look more or less like a frumpy soccer mom, and I am one - more or less. My friends are usually awesome people, really cool, and they tend to present themselves that way too. Many of them have looks that screams "alternative liftestyle" a mile away.
And then there's me.
And on some level, it is annoying. I mean, I guess there's a reason why I look like I look - there's nothing stopping me from changing it up if I wanted to. Well, yes there is, Mistress would probably have strong opinions about any kind of body mod or hair changes, and clothes costs money, and make up takes skill and time and so on and so forth. And also, in the end it bothers me, but not that much. Not enough so that I want to make any wholehearted effort to change it.
Hence, the t-shirt.
It could say: "I have ADHD!". It could say "I'm still breastfeeding my three-year-old!". It could say "I once lived in a poly-tryad". It could say "I'm owned property". It could say "I get beaten bloody regularly and I love it". It could say "I'm bisexual". It could say "I live in a same-sex marriage".
Or maybe just a cloud of words: ADHD. Owned. Bi. Lesbian. Pervert. Masochist. Pro breastfeeding for toddlers. Poly. I'm strange and I know it.
Just so I wouldn't have to disappoint people all the time, just because they judge me by the cover.
When I went to gymnasiet (think High School, 16-19 years old) I hung out with a group of left wing vegetarians and vegans. They all had long hair, like really really long, long flowy skirts, and cared a lot about the environment and organised rallys and were politically aware. I was to. I did to. But I wore my hair short and had jeans all the time. Mostly the same pair - I'm not sure I owned more than one pair.
Later, I studied at the university and worked for a while, and I never got the hang of that outfit thing then either. Now I guess my look fits part of my life, since I look more or less like a frumpy soccer mom, and I am one - more or less. My friends are usually awesome people, really cool, and they tend to present themselves that way too. Many of them have looks that screams "alternative liftestyle" a mile away.
And then there's me.
And on some level, it is annoying. I mean, I guess there's a reason why I look like I look - there's nothing stopping me from changing it up if I wanted to. Well, yes there is, Mistress would probably have strong opinions about any kind of body mod or hair changes, and clothes costs money, and make up takes skill and time and so on and so forth. And also, in the end it bothers me, but not that much. Not enough so that I want to make any wholehearted effort to change it.
Hence, the t-shirt.
It could say: "I have ADHD!". It could say "I'm still breastfeeding my three-year-old!". It could say "I once lived in a poly-tryad". It could say "I'm owned property". It could say "I get beaten bloody regularly and I love it". It could say "I'm bisexual". It could say "I live in a same-sex marriage".
Or maybe just a cloud of words: ADHD. Owned. Bi. Lesbian. Pervert. Masochist. Pro breastfeeding for toddlers. Poly. I'm strange and I know it.
Just so I wouldn't have to disappoint people all the time, just because they judge me by the cover.
Jan 17, 2013
Getting what I want
Yestarday, I begged, literary begged, Mistress to be spanked. "Or whatever, it doesn't have to be spanking - just hurt me! Please, please, please, Mistress?". This was after we had gone to bed, I was tense and worked up and worrying about my upcoming exam and just generally feeling out of sorts.
Mistress sighed and said, that no, she wasn't going to. She was tired, and she didn't want to. She was however, going to do it "tomorrow". I refrained from growling about how much I cared about "tomorrow" and said "yes Mistress!" instead, which usually is the safer choice. We cuddled, and she stroked me and petted me until I was all blissed out by good feelings and felt very calm and satisfied anyway, without any pain whatsoever.
Then, today, I sat through my exam in the morning (the last one I'll ever take hopefully) and when I came home we cuddled, and after a while Mistress said that she was planning to beat me. And I cuddled up to her and asked if we couldn't just "cuddle without clothes on for a while" first (read "instead").
Mistress said she didn't feel like taking her clothes off, it felt like to much work and I threw a pillow at her... And then I proposed that it was fine if we just cuddled, it was perfectly good even with clothes. I snuggled up to her, and whispered in to her arm that honestly, I was feeling a bit afraid and really didn't felt like being spanked any more. "That's ok" she answered "you don't have to feel like it."
And then she made me lay on my stomach on the bed, taped my arms and legs to the bedposts and beat me with the tawse and then, grumbling over not being able to draw blood, she switched to the horse whip. Oh, and she stuffed a gag ball in my mouth too, "so I don't have to worry about you disturbing the neighbours".
Yeah. It really doesn't matter whether I feel like it or not. And the secret? The moment she said that I was instantly horny and so very, very submissive. That's the best part of it. That I can't decide what she'll do and when she'll do it. On the one hand, I really do want the things I ask for, and really don't want the things I'm afraid of or don't want, but on the other hand, what I most of all want is to not being able or allowed to decide that. I guess that's kind of a win-win for both of us.
She did drew blood, eventually. She likes to stop at that point. For me, I'm so far gone by then that she could go on forever as far as I'm concerned. Times stops and everything is an endless, hurtful, wonderful, all encompassing now. I guess that's the part I'm longing for when I'm begging her to beat me.
(The exam? I think it went just fine. They usually do.)
Mistress sighed and said, that no, she wasn't going to. She was tired, and she didn't want to. She was however, going to do it "tomorrow". I refrained from growling about how much I cared about "tomorrow" and said "yes Mistress!" instead, which usually is the safer choice. We cuddled, and she stroked me and petted me until I was all blissed out by good feelings and felt very calm and satisfied anyway, without any pain whatsoever.
Then, today, I sat through my exam in the morning (the last one I'll ever take hopefully) and when I came home we cuddled, and after a while Mistress said that she was planning to beat me. And I cuddled up to her and asked if we couldn't just "cuddle without clothes on for a while" first (read "instead").
Mistress said she didn't feel like taking her clothes off, it felt like to much work and I threw a pillow at her... And then I proposed that it was fine if we just cuddled, it was perfectly good even with clothes. I snuggled up to her, and whispered in to her arm that honestly, I was feeling a bit afraid and really didn't felt like being spanked any more. "That's ok" she answered "you don't have to feel like it."
And then she made me lay on my stomach on the bed, taped my arms and legs to the bedposts and beat me with the tawse and then, grumbling over not being able to draw blood, she switched to the horse whip. Oh, and she stuffed a gag ball in my mouth too, "so I don't have to worry about you disturbing the neighbours".
Yeah. It really doesn't matter whether I feel like it or not. And the secret? The moment she said that I was instantly horny and so very, very submissive. That's the best part of it. That I can't decide what she'll do and when she'll do it. On the one hand, I really do want the things I ask for, and really don't want the things I'm afraid of or don't want, but on the other hand, what I most of all want is to not being able or allowed to decide that. I guess that's kind of a win-win for both of us.
She did drew blood, eventually. She likes to stop at that point. For me, I'm so far gone by then that she could go on forever as far as I'm concerned. Times stops and everything is an endless, hurtful, wonderful, all encompassing now. I guess that's the part I'm longing for when I'm begging her to beat me.
(The exam? I think it went just fine. They usually do.)
Jan 15, 2013
Busy little bee
Today I have:
1) Had an emotionally taxing meeting with one of the teachers at my daughters pre-school early in the morning, trying to convey the message that something's wrong and that even if the symtoms only manifests at home that doesn't mean the problem can't be present at the pre-school too. And trying to handle the frustration that comes from being treated as someone who doesn't know anything about kid's normal development, when I do. Bleergh.
2) Gone home and studied for exam on Thursday.
3) Gotten on a bus to get to a lunch meeting
4) Had a lunch meeting in a noisy and crowded café (bad choice, wont go there again) and discussed the thesis (or paper? or exam paper? I have no idea.) me and a colleague are going to spend the whole of next term writing.
5) Had to hurry away from there to go to a mandatory seminar, that went on for an hour (during which time I knitted frenetically because I was so tense and worked up).
6) Only to take the bus home, fetch the stroller, walk the kilometre to the pre-school, dress the little squirrel and drive her home in half a metre of snow and more coming all the time, and eat dinner.
7) Collapsed.
8) Oh, and had my mother over for said dinner, and for playtime with the happy little squirrel, who choose to top it all off with parting advice about us not getting any more babies, since "you seemed to think it was so much hard work the last time". Yeah. Thank you. Not a dilemma I'm planning on solving this very minute, thank you very much.
And in a way I know this day on the one hand would have been a bit much for anyone, but also that on the other hand most people with jobs and kids do these kinds of things on a regular basis. But that has really no bearing on what this means to me.
For me, this is... amazing. Unheard of. I haven't been this active and productive in about a year, and even then it was under duress and with a feeling of dread and exhaustion. Now I'm tired, and a bit high-strung, but I don't feel like killing myself (or anyone else) and I'm not falling asleep on the couch.
I am getting better.
My only worry right now is that I will be a walking corpse tomorrow, cognitive-wise, not to mention Thursday, when the exam is. But I'll deal with that then.
I'm guessing my chance of making Mistress hurt me in any nice way is pretty slim - she didn't sleep well last night, and she's still at her computer working now, even though it's soon past eight. But I'll give it a shot. The thing I long for most of all right now is being tied down and floating away on happy pain-endorphins.
Or maybe I'll just have to go to sleep like a normal person.
1) Had an emotionally taxing meeting with one of the teachers at my daughters pre-school early in the morning, trying to convey the message that something's wrong and that even if the symtoms only manifests at home that doesn't mean the problem can't be present at the pre-school too. And trying to handle the frustration that comes from being treated as someone who doesn't know anything about kid's normal development, when I do. Bleergh.
2) Gone home and studied for exam on Thursday.
3) Gotten on a bus to get to a lunch meeting
4) Had a lunch meeting in a noisy and crowded café (bad choice, wont go there again) and discussed the thesis (or paper? or exam paper? I have no idea.) me and a colleague are going to spend the whole of next term writing.
5) Had to hurry away from there to go to a mandatory seminar, that went on for an hour (during which time I knitted frenetically because I was so tense and worked up).
6) Only to take the bus home, fetch the stroller, walk the kilometre to the pre-school, dress the little squirrel and drive her home in half a metre of snow and more coming all the time, and eat dinner.
7) Collapsed.
8) Oh, and had my mother over for said dinner, and for playtime with the happy little squirrel, who choose to top it all off with parting advice about us not getting any more babies, since "you seemed to think it was so much hard work the last time". Yeah. Thank you. Not a dilemma I'm planning on solving this very minute, thank you very much.
And in a way I know this day on the one hand would have been a bit much for anyone, but also that on the other hand most people with jobs and kids do these kinds of things on a regular basis. But that has really no bearing on what this means to me.
For me, this is... amazing. Unheard of. I haven't been this active and productive in about a year, and even then it was under duress and with a feeling of dread and exhaustion. Now I'm tired, and a bit high-strung, but I don't feel like killing myself (or anyone else) and I'm not falling asleep on the couch.
I am getting better.
My only worry right now is that I will be a walking corpse tomorrow, cognitive-wise, not to mention Thursday, when the exam is. But I'll deal with that then.
I'm guessing my chance of making Mistress hurt me in any nice way is pretty slim - she didn't sleep well last night, and she's still at her computer working now, even though it's soon past eight. But I'll give it a shot. The thing I long for most of all right now is being tied down and floating away on happy pain-endorphins.
Or maybe I'll just have to go to sleep like a normal person.
Dec 4, 2012
Tired, oh so tired.
I'm so so tired right now. So is Mistress, she didn't get home from work until seven, but she's sitting by the computer right now, doing something important for work.
And I get that it's important. I even know what it is she's doing and I agree that it's a good thing. But I'm worried about her. And about myself. I can't really separate between us, so when she's in a foul mood, I suffer. Not because she intends me to, God no, but because I can't... shield myself. There's nothing in the way between her bad mood and my discomfort.
If she's stressed, I'm stressed. And if I'm stressed, not only do I worry about her, but I can't recuperate on my own either. And if I can't recuperate, my health problems get worse. And then I can do less things for us, and she has more to stress over. And the responsibility not to get stressed, to try to recharge my batteries, to think happy thoughts and not get bogged down in depressive rumination, makes me feel guilty and the only thing that happens is that I get stressed out and feel even guiltier...
Also, when she's grumpy I get scared. I get insecure and shaky and watch her every move, afraid of doing or saying anything wrong. This would probably be easier to fix if it was all down to my insecurities, but unfortunately, we have a long history of bitter arguments, and she's not always predictable.
Right now, though, she doesn't have that tense, far-away look any more, she seems present and calm, and my fears are coming to rest. I'm still dead tired, though.
I just want to sleep. Sometimes I don't want to wake up either, but I work hard not to dwell on that. I know that the world is a beautiful place, really. It's just really hard to remember that when I'm to exhausted.
What I did today that tired me so? Just a normal study day. I had a therapy session, wrote a rapport of that, had lunch with a friend, had a group discussion in preparation of a seminar on Thursday, and then took the bus home, shopping things for dinner on the way home. Just a normal day. It's just that that my brain isn't really normal.
Can someone shut it off now, please?
And I get that it's important. I even know what it is she's doing and I agree that it's a good thing. But I'm worried about her. And about myself. I can't really separate between us, so when she's in a foul mood, I suffer. Not because she intends me to, God no, but because I can't... shield myself. There's nothing in the way between her bad mood and my discomfort.
If she's stressed, I'm stressed. And if I'm stressed, not only do I worry about her, but I can't recuperate on my own either. And if I can't recuperate, my health problems get worse. And then I can do less things for us, and she has more to stress over. And the responsibility not to get stressed, to try to recharge my batteries, to think happy thoughts and not get bogged down in depressive rumination, makes me feel guilty and the only thing that happens is that I get stressed out and feel even guiltier...
Also, when she's grumpy I get scared. I get insecure and shaky and watch her every move, afraid of doing or saying anything wrong. This would probably be easier to fix if it was all down to my insecurities, but unfortunately, we have a long history of bitter arguments, and she's not always predictable.
Right now, though, she doesn't have that tense, far-away look any more, she seems present and calm, and my fears are coming to rest. I'm still dead tired, though.
I just want to sleep. Sometimes I don't want to wake up either, but I work hard not to dwell on that. I know that the world is a beautiful place, really. It's just really hard to remember that when I'm to exhausted.
What I did today that tired me so? Just a normal study day. I had a therapy session, wrote a rapport of that, had lunch with a friend, had a group discussion in preparation of a seminar on Thursday, and then took the bus home, shopping things for dinner on the way home. Just a normal day. It's just that that my brain isn't really normal.
Can someone shut it off now, please?
Oct 25, 2012
Fighting again.
I just went off the phone with Mistress, she hung up on me. Right after I declared that I didn't want to talk with her anymore, because everything felt wrong and bad and unfair. I'm crying and I have been for awhile.
Turns out that she refuses to share things with me because she claims that leads to catastrophe and negative consequences she can't deal with, and that she's sorry she ever showed me that she was unhappy.
And I feel that if she can't share things with me, if I can't support her and be allowed to be there for her when she's in trouble, what kind of relationship is this? What good am I, if I'm so horrible at supporting her that she'd rather lie than tell me things?
And what kind of relationship can we have when she's deliberately lying to me, and claims that is the responsible choice? I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with her being unhappy, knowing full well that she is unhappy, and having her tell me to my face that it's not the case? All the while seeing her unhappiness manifesting itself in a thousand ways.
Most of all I'm pissed off that she thinks she can hide things from me. She can't. She's a terrible lier. I know when something is wrong, and knowing it and not being told about it turns me in to a nervous wreck. I can't understand how she thinks that is better for me or would be less harmful to my health than her simply telling me straight out.
I get that she's in a tight spot. I know, I know very well, that she does a lot more than her share around here, and that time and resources are limited. I know that our decision that I should continue in school despite being sick and instead leave off responsibility for home and kid has left a big burden on her, and now that I'm starting to feel better it is gnawing on me that I get to do things; rest, be creative, exercise, meet friends, that she rarely gets to do.
But the thing is, the infuriating things is, that I know this! It's no secret. She's not protecting me or her pretending that all is fine, especially when no one buys the act. There is nothing I want more in this world than for her to be happy, and I would gnaw off my left foot if that could make it happen. I want to support her, help her, be there for her in any way I can, and I could do that a lot more and a lot easier if only she would talk to me.
But she doesn't. She lies and hides. And when something slips, like it did yesterday, she actually apologised to me for letting it slip. I think that classifies as around top ten of least wanted apology in the history of apologies.
I don't want to be open and honest and vulnerable and straightforward to someone who isn't the same to me. The idea makes me frantic.
---
We skipped that whole talking-in-the-phone-part and went to emails instead. Actually a good medium for us - we're so damn emotional and reactive that a IRL-conversation very easily spins out of hand.
No, she didn't mean she would or should lie to me. Yes there are things I can do for her. Yes, I'm a valuable part of her life and having me is a lot more on the pro-side than on the con-side. Yes, I shall back off and give her space and we'll talk about it in good time, together and unstressed.
Crisis averted. Or well, the actual problem of us having much to small resources and her being exhausted and me being sick and our support-network totally bailing on us still exists. Those wont go away by writing emails about it. But now it feels like we're on the same side again, and that's the most important part. The rest of life will sort itself out, one way or another.
Turns out that she refuses to share things with me because she claims that leads to catastrophe and negative consequences she can't deal with, and that she's sorry she ever showed me that she was unhappy.
And I feel that if she can't share things with me, if I can't support her and be allowed to be there for her when she's in trouble, what kind of relationship is this? What good am I, if I'm so horrible at supporting her that she'd rather lie than tell me things?
And what kind of relationship can we have when she's deliberately lying to me, and claims that is the responsible choice? I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with her being unhappy, knowing full well that she is unhappy, and having her tell me to my face that it's not the case? All the while seeing her unhappiness manifesting itself in a thousand ways.
Most of all I'm pissed off that she thinks she can hide things from me. She can't. She's a terrible lier. I know when something is wrong, and knowing it and not being told about it turns me in to a nervous wreck. I can't understand how she thinks that is better for me or would be less harmful to my health than her simply telling me straight out.
I get that she's in a tight spot. I know, I know very well, that she does a lot more than her share around here, and that time and resources are limited. I know that our decision that I should continue in school despite being sick and instead leave off responsibility for home and kid has left a big burden on her, and now that I'm starting to feel better it is gnawing on me that I get to do things; rest, be creative, exercise, meet friends, that she rarely gets to do.
But the thing is, the infuriating things is, that I know this! It's no secret. She's not protecting me or her pretending that all is fine, especially when no one buys the act. There is nothing I want more in this world than for her to be happy, and I would gnaw off my left foot if that could make it happen. I want to support her, help her, be there for her in any way I can, and I could do that a lot more and a lot easier if only she would talk to me.
But she doesn't. She lies and hides. And when something slips, like it did yesterday, she actually apologised to me for letting it slip. I think that classifies as around top ten of least wanted apology in the history of apologies.
I don't want to be open and honest and vulnerable and straightforward to someone who isn't the same to me. The idea makes me frantic.
---
We skipped that whole talking-in-the-phone-part and went to emails instead. Actually a good medium for us - we're so damn emotional and reactive that a IRL-conversation very easily spins out of hand.
No, she didn't mean she would or should lie to me. Yes there are things I can do for her. Yes, I'm a valuable part of her life and having me is a lot more on the pro-side than on the con-side. Yes, I shall back off and give her space and we'll talk about it in good time, together and unstressed.
Crisis averted. Or well, the actual problem of us having much to small resources and her being exhausted and me being sick and our support-network totally bailing on us still exists. Those wont go away by writing emails about it. But now it feels like we're on the same side again, and that's the most important part. The rest of life will sort itself out, one way or another.
Oct 1, 2012
Sickness and sex
And now I have a cold and a fever and bleeeh. I wanted to go to the dojo today, I've taken up ju-jutsu classes again together with a friend, and it's a lot of fun. But no, not with a fever.
And this is not like I had all spring, with a slight fever and dizziness and nausea - that was stress, and now when I know what it is, I've realised exercise actually helps and makes me feel better when I experience those symptoms. Unfortunately this is virus and exercise will only make it worse. Not to mention that I'm tired and off my game and would most likely spread snot and virus all over everyone else. And also, Mistress said I couldn't go.
The good thing is that I'm not feeling guilty. Or panicky. Or secretly relieved that I have a legitimate excuse to lessen my workload for a few days. Or ashamed of feeling relieved. I used to feel all of that, and some confusion and some more shame on top of that, every time I got sick, my whole life. Now I realise it was because the stressors of everyday life was too much for me to begin with, I was constantly pushed beyond what I could handle, and had constant angst because of that. That made being physically, noticeably sick a very mixed experience, riddled with shame and guilt.
Now, possibly for the first time since early childhood, the demands put on me is not more than I can handle, and I'm not full of guilt about the things I can and cannot do. And then a cold is simply a small annoyance, irritating but not something to fret about. Suddenly I realise how most people have it all the time.
I cancelled my appointment with a client tomorrow morning, it doesn't seem very professional to sneeze all over her. And also, I didn't want to go there. I wanted to be at home and nurse my cold and rest and feel better, and so I'll do that. Without angst. I'll most probably go to the seminar in the afternoon (if I don't feel a lot worse) and to a lecture Wednesday morning, because both of those is mandatory to the point of me having to do them next semester if I miss it, so it might be worth it to attend. But that's it. I don't have anything else mandatory this week, and I'm so glad it doesn't seem like the world is ending because I have a cold.
If little S gets it and can't go to pre-school, now that's another matter. Or if little S gets and and Mistress does, at the same time. Then I don't know what we're going to do - suffer, I guess. But for now, it's just me, and to be honest, I don't do much at home at this point anyway. Laying in my bed snuffling is not much different from laying in my bed not snuffling.
If I'd been feeling fine we might have had a lot of nice sadistic sex today, though. That would have been a more interesting blog topic. But obviously me with a head ache and a congested nose is not a turn on for Mistress, and there was only snuggling and conversations.
Saturday, though, was a different matter - I had done the packing for once, including the packing fo the toys, and Mistress got inspired. I found myself blindfolded, gagged and with taped wrists, and she beat me at all manner of places before she let me satisfy and eventually fucked me with her hand. I love being gagged and blindfolded - it takes away every impulse of action, and leaves nothing but sensation and trepidation. Oh, and I love Mistress. Especially in her leather pants.
And this is not like I had all spring, with a slight fever and dizziness and nausea - that was stress, and now when I know what it is, I've realised exercise actually helps and makes me feel better when I experience those symptoms. Unfortunately this is virus and exercise will only make it worse. Not to mention that I'm tired and off my game and would most likely spread snot and virus all over everyone else. And also, Mistress said I couldn't go.
The good thing is that I'm not feeling guilty. Or panicky. Or secretly relieved that I have a legitimate excuse to lessen my workload for a few days. Or ashamed of feeling relieved. I used to feel all of that, and some confusion and some more shame on top of that, every time I got sick, my whole life. Now I realise it was because the stressors of everyday life was too much for me to begin with, I was constantly pushed beyond what I could handle, and had constant angst because of that. That made being physically, noticeably sick a very mixed experience, riddled with shame and guilt.
Now, possibly for the first time since early childhood, the demands put on me is not more than I can handle, and I'm not full of guilt about the things I can and cannot do. And then a cold is simply a small annoyance, irritating but not something to fret about. Suddenly I realise how most people have it all the time.
I cancelled my appointment with a client tomorrow morning, it doesn't seem very professional to sneeze all over her. And also, I didn't want to go there. I wanted to be at home and nurse my cold and rest and feel better, and so I'll do that. Without angst. I'll most probably go to the seminar in the afternoon (if I don't feel a lot worse) and to a lecture Wednesday morning, because both of those is mandatory to the point of me having to do them next semester if I miss it, so it might be worth it to attend. But that's it. I don't have anything else mandatory this week, and I'm so glad it doesn't seem like the world is ending because I have a cold.
If little S gets it and can't go to pre-school, now that's another matter. Or if little S gets and and Mistress does, at the same time. Then I don't know what we're going to do - suffer, I guess. But for now, it's just me, and to be honest, I don't do much at home at this point anyway. Laying in my bed snuffling is not much different from laying in my bed not snuffling.
If I'd been feeling fine we might have had a lot of nice sadistic sex today, though. That would have been a more interesting blog topic. But obviously me with a head ache and a congested nose is not a turn on for Mistress, and there was only snuggling and conversations.
Saturday, though, was a different matter - I had done the packing for once, including the packing fo the toys, and Mistress got inspired. I found myself blindfolded, gagged and with taped wrists, and she beat me at all manner of places before she let me satisfy and eventually fucked me with her hand. I love being gagged and blindfolded - it takes away every impulse of action, and leaves nothing but sensation and trepidation. Oh, and I love Mistress. Especially in her leather pants.
Sep 25, 2012
Love, sandwiches and getting better
Sometimes I dare to think that maybe, just maybe, I'm getting a little bit better. It's the beginning of the fourth week in school, and so far I'm not behind in my work. I manage to tag along with the rest, and for now, I can picture myself managing full time this whole semester. I still have an easy option of going down to 75% in February if doesn't work out, but it would be great if I could do this, it really would. We'll see.
We've kept strict to the idea that going to school is all I'm supposed to be doing. Today, Mistress would really have needed to stay at her job past her usual hours because she was heading up a workshop with foreign visitors, and it would have been polite and proper to see them off before heading home. My father was supposed to come and have pizza with me and little S, but he cancelled on us in the last minute, and noone else was available. And it really only was a matter of an hour or so, of her coming home maybe six o'clock instead of five.
But she didn't. When we couldn't get anyone to keep me company, she left at her usual time and came home to help me, so that I wouldn't have to deal with making dinner and taking care of little S by myself for an hour.
I love her. I love her so much. And I'm so grateful not to be expected to do things that is hard on me. To be allowed to rest for a while, to for once live in a way that isn't to difficult for me, or wears me down.
But the best thing isn't when I get to rest, or don't have to do something that would make me tired. The best is the moments when I have a little bit more energy than expected, when my resources for once is greater than the demands I face, and I can go a little beyond what she expects. That is the best.
This morning I helped make her a sandwich to eat on the bus, because she was running late, and later she texted me and thanked me, saying that not only was I making her life richer, I was also helping her out and making it possible for her to hold an advanced job position in a different city and still have family. I almost cried. I so very much want to be an asset to her, something that makes her life brighter and better, and I'm so often afraid that I'm not.
I wish I could make her a thousand sandwiches. What I can do is obeying her, and loving her, and do every thing in my power to get better and healthier, and do what I need to do to stay healthy. I know she much prefers the healthy, happy me, even when that means that I'm in the couch while she does everything else, than me working to hard and getting depressed. But I long for the day when I have energy to spare - because then I'm going to spend it all on her.
We've kept strict to the idea that going to school is all I'm supposed to be doing. Today, Mistress would really have needed to stay at her job past her usual hours because she was heading up a workshop with foreign visitors, and it would have been polite and proper to see them off before heading home. My father was supposed to come and have pizza with me and little S, but he cancelled on us in the last minute, and noone else was available. And it really only was a matter of an hour or so, of her coming home maybe six o'clock instead of five.
But she didn't. When we couldn't get anyone to keep me company, she left at her usual time and came home to help me, so that I wouldn't have to deal with making dinner and taking care of little S by myself for an hour.
I love her. I love her so much. And I'm so grateful not to be expected to do things that is hard on me. To be allowed to rest for a while, to for once live in a way that isn't to difficult for me, or wears me down.
But the best thing isn't when I get to rest, or don't have to do something that would make me tired. The best is the moments when I have a little bit more energy than expected, when my resources for once is greater than the demands I face, and I can go a little beyond what she expects. That is the best.
This morning I helped make her a sandwich to eat on the bus, because she was running late, and later she texted me and thanked me, saying that not only was I making her life richer, I was also helping her out and making it possible for her to hold an advanced job position in a different city and still have family. I almost cried. I so very much want to be an asset to her, something that makes her life brighter and better, and I'm so often afraid that I'm not.
I wish I could make her a thousand sandwiches. What I can do is obeying her, and loving her, and do every thing in my power to get better and healthier, and do what I need to do to stay healthy. I know she much prefers the healthy, happy me, even when that means that I'm in the couch while she does everything else, than me working to hard and getting depressed. But I long for the day when I have energy to spare - because then I'm going to spend it all on her.
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