Yesterday, I took my collar for a walk. That is, there was a meeting of poly folks at a nice pub down town and Mistress gave me permission to attend. I think she would very much have liked to come too, but someone had to stay home with little S, and in regards to who of us will most enjoy an outing mingling alone in a new social context, it's not even a competition. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have want to go alone, but I missed here there with me.
Mistress is an introvert, in that she needs to have energy to have any fun meeting people. When she does, she's funny and outgoing and a good conversationalist. But if she's not feeling her best, she doesn't want to meet people. I on the other hand need to meet people to feel my best. I get energy from things like yesterday. If I don't get to do it, I wilt.
The problem is that neither of us likes to be separated. I like to meet new people, but I prefer to have Mistress there with me. And Mistress likes me to meet new people, but want to be there with me or have me stay at home and keep her company if she doesn't feel like it. This wouldn't really be a problem if it wasn't for the fact that we're parents and more or less work shifts and rarely can do stuff together outside of the home. And that we're constantly exhausted, which makes the conditions needed for Mistress to feel sociable very rare.
So I'm glad I was allowed to go alone. Because I need things like this to feel happy and stay healthy. Depression is a bitch, and one of the ways for me to fight it is to laugh among friends and talk with other people. If I feel lonely or cut off or isolated, the dark and heavy thoughts take over.
I had a really good time. My friend I. was there, and well, basically all the people she has sex with, wants to have sex with or have had sex with. And around 25 other people, but I didn't talk to them. A good friend from my program at the university was there too, with her boyfriend and their two year old. I felt safe and appreciated and accepted. It was great to be able to meet people and really feel like myself.
Anyone who noticed my collar said something nice about it. My friend I. and another friend who I've known for ten years or so, D., got to read the back side of the tablet too, that felt special and a bit embarrassing, but not in a bad way. I declared that I would never ever read it out loud, after which D. claimed to be unable to read it at all and tried to cajole me into reading it out loud.
It turned out that even though I feel secure and safe and liked, I still get mouthy and uppity if anyone tries to dominate me or order me around. It's not that I don't like it. I do like it, actually. But I'm not sure if anyone would think I do, because I can't seem to help myself, I always have a witty comeback and a way of getting the upper hand. Or at least not allowing anyone else to get the upper hand. But at least it's nice when I don't feel threatened or afraid, when it's done in humour and when I know that it's not impossible that I would yield and that nothing bad would happen if I did.
I told I. and D. about the ceremony Mistress and me would like to have, to formally collar me in front of witnesses, and both seemed to understand the idea and said that they would be honoured to attend. That warmed my heart. I feel much more secure now in actually going through with it. It has felt a little daunting trying to explain to people what it is we're doing, and of course some part of me always worry that either no one will want to come, or that we'll be laughed at or misunderstood. But those fears are pretty much laid to rest now.
Before we always thought that we would do it at a kink-event, most probably at the girls only BDSM-club we go to sometimes. But now when I feel bolder, I've been thinking that maybe we should just do it here in our apartment. That has the advantage of us being able to set the date more freely, and also not have to hassle about our male friends. That's the biggest drawback to the club plan - that there's a handful of guys that we would probably want to have on the guest list.
Aaaah! Guest list! Now I'm getting all nervous....
Showing posts with label poly. Show all posts
Showing posts with label poly. Show all posts
Nov 6, 2012
Oct 18, 2012
A good talk
Yesterday, as Mistress was tying me to the bed we discussed the appropriateness of me getting a massage and being slightly dominated by anyone else than her. And I get her point, which was "this sounds very much like when you and I started to fall in love."
And it does, in a way. Because it is what I do with friends I really like, when I finally let the guards down and dares to let someone in. I get all cuddly and a tad submissive. In Mistress case, it happened to be with my soulmate, my life-partner, the one who eventually came to own me and who I have given myself to completely. That doesn't mean that is destined to happen with any one I get close to or like, or for that matter cuddle with.
And I don't think she thinks that either. But I do thinks there's a sense of karma here, a sense of "how do I know it wont happen to me like it happened to him". Him, in this case, being my ex. Our ex. The boyfriend we shared (kinda) for two-and-a-half-year. I did leave him, eventually, and I did end up with her, and for a while there they were involved in a sort of tug-of-war over me, that was excruciating for all people involved.
I guess the most calming response would have been something along the lines of "How can you even think I would ever want anything to do with anyone but you?". And I did give that, in a way. She is my true love. And no matter any possible feelings for anyone else, I belong to her. I obey her, and I follow her, and she gets to decide what I do with anyone else, no matter the content of the relationship. I have no intention of ever leaving her - on the contrary, I don't think I would be capable even if I in some weird alternate universe would want to.
But I could easily picture having sex with someone else. Doing it by myself, purely on a whim or an infatuation, I can imagine, but I have to admit that the idea is immediately followed with feelings of dread and thoughts of her being hurt and of how it would eventually be extremely complicated (and this is even though this fantasy requires her consent - I can't imagine doing anything without that (literary, I can't. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true. Disobedience and deceit is not my thing)).
Most of my thoughts regarding poly or sharing involves her, of her lending me to someone else (that would be hot!) or her being with someone other than me (also hot, though a little more disturbing). Or of me being used or forced to submit in front of people, or with other people. But all these thoughts has her as the centre, as the driving force. Me alone going out and hooking up with someone else? Not so much.
And still I like cuddles. I like to be close. I like to be handled by others. In short, in safe and loving company, I like to feel that I'm appreciated, I like hugs and cuddles, and I like to be seen and treated as the person I am. Which more resembles a happy labrador than a grown-up professional. The labrador part of me, the submissive, happy, touchy-feely, vulnerable, non-thinking part, doesn't get out much, as opposed to the competent grown-up part, so when the occasion arise I get happy tingly feelings.
Eventually, she laid down the rules: I get to cuddle as much as I want, and have anyone do whatever to me, (as long as it feels good to me and doesn't hurt anyone, I assume was taken for granted in this) but I'm not allowed to let anyone turn me on without her present. That, actually, felt like a very clear cut rule to me, with the great aspect of me monitoring my own feelings and experience, and not making me responsible for others feelings and behaviours. If I'm not turned on, and someone does something inappropriate, I wont like it and remove myself. If I am turned on, I can notice that and remove myself before anyone does anything inappropriate.
And I still don't have to walk on eggshells, constantly wondering if what I do is okay or not, or if I'm doing something she wouldn't like.
When we had finished talking I was tied up and told to lie still, and she sat down at her computer and worked for an hour or so. I don't really know, because I fell asleep. When I woke up it was time for lunch, and while the water for the pasta was starting to boil, she fucked me senseless. Then we had tortellini.
And it does, in a way. Because it is what I do with friends I really like, when I finally let the guards down and dares to let someone in. I get all cuddly and a tad submissive. In Mistress case, it happened to be with my soulmate, my life-partner, the one who eventually came to own me and who I have given myself to completely. That doesn't mean that is destined to happen with any one I get close to or like, or for that matter cuddle with.
And I don't think she thinks that either. But I do thinks there's a sense of karma here, a sense of "how do I know it wont happen to me like it happened to him". Him, in this case, being my ex. Our ex. The boyfriend we shared (kinda) for two-and-a-half-year. I did leave him, eventually, and I did end up with her, and for a while there they were involved in a sort of tug-of-war over me, that was excruciating for all people involved.
I guess the most calming response would have been something along the lines of "How can you even think I would ever want anything to do with anyone but you?". And I did give that, in a way. She is my true love. And no matter any possible feelings for anyone else, I belong to her. I obey her, and I follow her, and she gets to decide what I do with anyone else, no matter the content of the relationship. I have no intention of ever leaving her - on the contrary, I don't think I would be capable even if I in some weird alternate universe would want to.
But I could easily picture having sex with someone else. Doing it by myself, purely on a whim or an infatuation, I can imagine, but I have to admit that the idea is immediately followed with feelings of dread and thoughts of her being hurt and of how it would eventually be extremely complicated (and this is even though this fantasy requires her consent - I can't imagine doing anything without that (literary, I can't. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true. Disobedience and deceit is not my thing)).
Most of my thoughts regarding poly or sharing involves her, of her lending me to someone else (that would be hot!) or her being with someone other than me (also hot, though a little more disturbing). Or of me being used or forced to submit in front of people, or with other people. But all these thoughts has her as the centre, as the driving force. Me alone going out and hooking up with someone else? Not so much.
And still I like cuddles. I like to be close. I like to be handled by others. In short, in safe and loving company, I like to feel that I'm appreciated, I like hugs and cuddles, and I like to be seen and treated as the person I am. Which more resembles a happy labrador than a grown-up professional. The labrador part of me, the submissive, happy, touchy-feely, vulnerable, non-thinking part, doesn't get out much, as opposed to the competent grown-up part, so when the occasion arise I get happy tingly feelings.
Eventually, she laid down the rules: I get to cuddle as much as I want, and have anyone do whatever to me, (as long as it feels good to me and doesn't hurt anyone, I assume was taken for granted in this) but I'm not allowed to let anyone turn me on without her present. That, actually, felt like a very clear cut rule to me, with the great aspect of me monitoring my own feelings and experience, and not making me responsible for others feelings and behaviours. If I'm not turned on, and someone does something inappropriate, I wont like it and remove myself. If I am turned on, I can notice that and remove myself before anyone does anything inappropriate.
And I still don't have to walk on eggshells, constantly wondering if what I do is okay or not, or if I'm doing something she wouldn't like.
When we had finished talking I was tied up and told to lie still, and she sat down at her computer and worked for an hour or so. I don't really know, because I fell asleep. When I woke up it was time for lunch, and while the water for the pasta was starting to boil, she fucked me senseless. Then we had tortellini.
May 28, 2012
On poly and labels and other things
My dear and also newly divorced friend I. has found a new... well, not boyfriend, because he don't believe in labeling relationships, but that's what I would call it. Hook-up is what they use, but they are very lovey-dovey and always together and fantasize about their future children, so I'm thinking it's a romantic relationship whatever he wants to call it.
Either way, he's poly and a relationship anarcist, with two steady long term other girls, a boy he flirts with and a gang of gay men he hangs out with and presumably fucks when the mood so takes them. Understandably, she's pondering where she fits in to this matrix, and is trying to orientate herself and find her own values and opinions after being married and also submissive in a 24/7 D/s relationship for ten years. They're happy, but it's a bit complicated.
So we've been discussing relationships and needs and labels and values a lot lately, or at least whenever we've had a chance to see each other for a minute. And it's been really interesting for me to figure out my own opinions, regarding my own life (they, of course, do what suits them, I don't meddle in that).
When I was together with my ex-boyfriend, submitting to him, and realised that me and Mistress was in love, that was a potential disaster. We kept our feelings hidden, for ourselves and each other, for a long time because of that. It all came out because of a LARP, actually, were we played characters married to each other in a poly family, it was a SF setting, featuring a society where every marriage was with four people (there was also a 18-hour day, everyone living in biosphere thousands of years in the future on a different planet, and well, it was that kind of story). When we made the decision to try to form a poly-tryad, I think that experience influenced a lot. That, and the longing for a pack, a flock, a family.
That experiment lasted for two years, of which at least one and a half was very very bad. My ex, then my Master, also had the right/privilege to sleep with others, which he did one time towards the end, and I resented it deeply (no matter that I regularly slept with another woman...). Ours was not a healthy dynamic, and my personal experiences with poly is not happy ones.
Even so, when me and Mistress moved in together, and eventually got married, we didn't declare monogamy as the rule. Partly I think because that would be unnecessary limiting. And also, I don't know, it just doesn't feel right. It's not a traditional marriage, since we're both women it couldn't be even if we wanted it to, so we can decide for ourselves. Since we're out of the norm anyway, being O/p and lesbians, everything becomes a choice, and we haven't actively chosen monogamy as a guiding principle.
But what separates us from my friend I. and her new... whatever, is that the decisions regarding sex is entirely onesided. I'm not sure Mistress will be my only sex partner for the rest of my life. In fact, I hope she wont be. But what happens in that regard is up to her, completely. I don't get a say in the matter, and the point is that I don't want to. Thats my desire, that's my lifestyle, that's my choice. I hope she wont be my only sex partner, because I hope she'll someday execute that right and let someone else use me. I don't really have much of a preference about whom, I just want her to use me that way. The same way I want her to whip me or fuck me or hurt me or choke me or anything else she does.
If she want to have sex with someone else that's her right to. If she does it without me, simply because someone else turns her on, I think I'll probably feel a bit insecure and threatened and worry a bit and perhaps be jealous, but I'll also revel in the fact that she's using her rights as my Owner to live a happy and fullfilled life, and I want to believe it would work out alright in the end. If she does it with me present, to make a point or to teach me something or to involve me in a play with multiple partners, I would most probably love it, without worry.
All in all, we end up somewhere between poly and traditional, monogamish as it were. For now, it's only us, and I would be very surprised if we ever move away from the two of us being primary partners, but I wouldn't be surprised if somewhere along the way someone else got involved in one way or another. But the important driving principle is that whatever happens, it's her decision. It's kind of on another axle than the whole poly/monogamy-discussion.
It will be interesting to see where they land, my friend I. and her new one. I think she's fine with the sharing and the poly bit, but I don't think that she'll accept the "no labels" part of the philosophy - it's kind of hard when you've been and owned submissive for ten years, I think. What would we do without our labels?
Either way, he's poly and a relationship anarcist, with two steady long term other girls, a boy he flirts with and a gang of gay men he hangs out with and presumably fucks when the mood so takes them. Understandably, she's pondering where she fits in to this matrix, and is trying to orientate herself and find her own values and opinions after being married and also submissive in a 24/7 D/s relationship for ten years. They're happy, but it's a bit complicated.
So we've been discussing relationships and needs and labels and values a lot lately, or at least whenever we've had a chance to see each other for a minute. And it's been really interesting for me to figure out my own opinions, regarding my own life (they, of course, do what suits them, I don't meddle in that).
When I was together with my ex-boyfriend, submitting to him, and realised that me and Mistress was in love, that was a potential disaster. We kept our feelings hidden, for ourselves and each other, for a long time because of that. It all came out because of a LARP, actually, were we played characters married to each other in a poly family, it was a SF setting, featuring a society where every marriage was with four people (there was also a 18-hour day, everyone living in biosphere thousands of years in the future on a different planet, and well, it was that kind of story). When we made the decision to try to form a poly-tryad, I think that experience influenced a lot. That, and the longing for a pack, a flock, a family.
That experiment lasted for two years, of which at least one and a half was very very bad. My ex, then my Master, also had the right/privilege to sleep with others, which he did one time towards the end, and I resented it deeply (no matter that I regularly slept with another woman...). Ours was not a healthy dynamic, and my personal experiences with poly is not happy ones.
Even so, when me and Mistress moved in together, and eventually got married, we didn't declare monogamy as the rule. Partly I think because that would be unnecessary limiting. And also, I don't know, it just doesn't feel right. It's not a traditional marriage, since we're both women it couldn't be even if we wanted it to, so we can decide for ourselves. Since we're out of the norm anyway, being O/p and lesbians, everything becomes a choice, and we haven't actively chosen monogamy as a guiding principle.
But what separates us from my friend I. and her new... whatever, is that the decisions regarding sex is entirely onesided. I'm not sure Mistress will be my only sex partner for the rest of my life. In fact, I hope she wont be. But what happens in that regard is up to her, completely. I don't get a say in the matter, and the point is that I don't want to. Thats my desire, that's my lifestyle, that's my choice. I hope she wont be my only sex partner, because I hope she'll someday execute that right and let someone else use me. I don't really have much of a preference about whom, I just want her to use me that way. The same way I want her to whip me or fuck me or hurt me or choke me or anything else she does.
If she want to have sex with someone else that's her right to. If she does it without me, simply because someone else turns her on, I think I'll probably feel a bit insecure and threatened and worry a bit and perhaps be jealous, but I'll also revel in the fact that she's using her rights as my Owner to live a happy and fullfilled life, and I want to believe it would work out alright in the end. If she does it with me present, to make a point or to teach me something or to involve me in a play with multiple partners, I would most probably love it, without worry.
All in all, we end up somewhere between poly and traditional, monogamish as it were. For now, it's only us, and I would be very surprised if we ever move away from the two of us being primary partners, but I wouldn't be surprised if somewhere along the way someone else got involved in one way or another. But the important driving principle is that whatever happens, it's her decision. It's kind of on another axle than the whole poly/monogamy-discussion.
It will be interesting to see where they land, my friend I. and her new one. I think she's fine with the sharing and the poly bit, but I don't think that she'll accept the "no labels" part of the philosophy - it's kind of hard when you've been and owned submissive for ten years, I think. What would we do without our labels?
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