It's ten years ago now that me and Mistress moved in together. Or it will be, in a week or so. I remember Christmas 2005, it was horrible. Our poly triad was in it's death throes and I was so utterly miserable, with almost every aspect of my life. It was that Christmas I decided I would spend a week at my mothers' home and not talk to either of them, Mistress or my boyfriend/then-Master.
After a few days I missed her. I didn't miss him. And that was kind of it. It still took me about two weeks after that to actually make up my mind and say something about it. Two absolutely miserable weeks. And then one night me and him were laying in bed, he tried to have sex with me, I pushed him away and he started to cry. And I said I wanted to break up with him, that it was over. I don't remember everything we said, but I remember the despair. And that he said he would kill himself, and I said alright, if you do that I'll kill myself to. Come on, let's do it. He didn't, obviously, and I guess we fell asleep after that.
I left as soon as I could, but there were a lot of agonising moments before we were finally separated. Packing up stuff, moving, seeing each other and not talking. The bleak despair of it all. And Mistress, suffering from our agony and afraid I think that I would leave her too - and yet by my side, all the time, supporting me.
I moved in with her, and I remember that we both agreed that it would be best for me to get my own place somewhere, to land on my feet and be self sufficient before we could build a life togehter. It sounded so wise and thoughtful and right. But I didn't want to be anywhere except exactly where she was, so that didn't happen. In March 2006 she proposed to me and I said yes, and we lived in her apartment until she bought us a bigger one in June that year.
We got married in August 2007, little S was conceived during the fall of 2008, with a lot of frustrating trips to the hospital, and she was born in August 2009. We moved again in the summer of 2010, to a three bedroom apartment in the same city.
I began my studies in psychology that same year me and Mistress moved in together, my first term started in January 2006. I took a slightly involuntary break in 2008 because I wanted to change schools to my home town to get out of commuting and hade to wait for a spot to open up in the right term in my new school. And then I took some more leave because of little S. In the end, I didn't graduate until the spring of 2013.
What we didn't know until the fall of 2012 was that I have ADHD. It's a bit strange now to think back and realise how different we would have looked at things if we knew. But we didn't, and we made the best decisions we could with what we knew. I got sick from exhaustion, from trying to be a good mom to a high need baby and successfull at a demanding education and managing all of the life stresses that everyone has to handle. I'm quite a bit worse at that than most people, however, and by the summer of 2012, I was in a really really bad shape. We were training to become therapists in school by then, and I remember that my first patient was in much better shape than I was (though I never told anyone in school (and of course didn't say anything to my patient)).
I got medication and eventually an ADHD-diagnosis and medication for that too, just in time to save the paper I had to write for my Masters degree. And I got my degree as a psychologist. Then I didn't get a job. It was actually a really good time, the summer and fall of 2013. I didn't do much, I mostly recuperated. Eventually I got a job, but in a different part of the country, and my heroic family moved with me in the summer of 2014 for a year in exile. And in the summer of 2015 I was done, got my license and a job back home again. And here we are now.
It's been quite a ride these last ten years. And all this time, in all the ups and downs and varying circumstances, Mistress has been with me. She has kept me, in all the meanings of the word. She has her job, and even though it's stressfull and bad and she's not appreciated as she should be (because of patriarchy and misogynistic pricks for bosses) at times, it's also fun I think, and the job itself seems to suit her. It's paid our bills all this time, she has supported me through school (I've worked some, and have student loans, but it's a pittance compared to her contribution) and we would never been able to afford going to school with a kid without her income.
And she's loved me. Every day. A few days ago we discussed that I can take critique in a better way now (even if I'm still bad at it). And I realised that one important thing is that now, at 35, I've lived more years in a loving, supporting environment, than I did in the suppressive, hateful one I grew up in. It's much easier admitting mistakes when it's finally sunk in that it wont mean being ridiculed. I'm loved. No matter what happens in the future, I know I'm loved.
(Also, spanked and controlled and fucked. That's good stuff to.)
Showing posts with label the beginning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the beginning. Show all posts
Jan 1, 2016
Mar 10, 2014
Questions 2!
Were you submissive before?
I've been a submissive masochist since I was five, that's as early as I can remember. I know it's crazy young, but that was when I started fantasizing about getting spanked and punished. I had no idea why, or what it was I was feeling, or why it was so damn embarassaing, but I knew enough to never ever mention it to anyone.
It was incredibly lonely, in fact. I grew up knowing I was a freak. That I wanted crazy things and that I could never tell anyone. My fantasies and urges evolved as I became an adult, of course, but the dominating theme was always me being controlled, dominated, taken over by someone stronger than me.
It wasn't until around 18 or something when I got internet connection and realised that I wasn't alone and that there was a name for it, that I started to make peace with my own strange urges. At that time I was in a committed vanilla relationship and when that relationship had run it's course, so to speak, and I was single again I promised myself to never again lie or hide anything for a potential partner. And I haven't.
I've been a submissive masochist since I was five, that's as early as I can remember. I know it's crazy young, but that was when I started fantasizing about getting spanked and punished. I had no idea why, or what it was I was feeling, or why it was so damn embarassaing, but I knew enough to never ever mention it to anyone.
It was incredibly lonely, in fact. I grew up knowing I was a freak. That I wanted crazy things and that I could never tell anyone. My fantasies and urges evolved as I became an adult, of course, but the dominating theme was always me being controlled, dominated, taken over by someone stronger than me.
It wasn't until around 18 or something when I got internet connection and realised that I wasn't alone and that there was a name for it, that I started to make peace with my own strange urges. At that time I was in a committed vanilla relationship and when that relationship had run it's course, so to speak, and I was single again I promised myself to never again lie or hide anything for a potential partner. And I haven't.
Questions!
Thanks Florida Dom for the questions! I'll take them a few at a time.
How long you been together? How did you meet?
We met in 1997 when I was seventeen, Mistress was 26. I had just found LARPing (see http://nordiclarp.org/wiki/Main_Page for more info, it's a weird hobby), and was blown away with how amazing it was. Mistress was one of three other women who were planning on going to an event as a group of soldiers in a 17th century setting, and they were one person short and asked me to join them. We were a tight group after that, for a couple of years on. Eventually the group fell apart, but me and Mistress stayed friends.
She was working towards her PhD, while I hadn't even finished the Swedish equivalent of High School when we met. I graduated eventually and the years after that was a bit chaotic for me. I enrolled at the University but never got a degree, I broke up with one boyfriend, slept around a little bit (very little, actually) and fell in love with a couple of other guys. Mistress on the other hand got her PhD, got a job as a scientist and lived an ordered, albeit perhaps a bit empty life.
We started organising LARP-events together, and we were good at it. We didn't really talk all that much, mostly about the current project, and it took us a long while before we realised that we had begun to come up with things to do just so that we could meet and do them together...
When at long last we both realised that we were in love, I was already living with my then-Master. We had a D/s-relationship since a couple of years back, and I was invested and loyal and in love with him. And head-over-heels in love with Mistress.
It was a recipe for disaster, and in time it was quite disastrous. In the beginning it wasn't though, because both Mistress and my ex was brave and open minded and generous persons, and decided to enter into a poly dynamic together. The dream was a family of three, with them being if not in love so at least infatuated with each other, and me belonging to them both.
It all fell apart in couple of months, and since we were all stubborn and deeply invested in the idea, we strived and tried and fought for it for two years after that. None of us was ready to call it quits, but we were increasingly unhappy. At long last I couldn't take it anymore an moved in with my mom for a week to think. After two days I missed Mistress like crazy, but not my ex, and there was my answer.
I broke up with my ex and moved in with Mistress, and we've been together ever since. That was January 2006, so we've been living together for eight years now, and known each other for 17 years (oh my God! Haven't thought about that before. That's a long time. Ah well.)
Mistress proposed in March 2006, and we got married in church in 2007, the happiest day of my life so far.
How long you been together? How did you meet?
We met in 1997 when I was seventeen, Mistress was 26. I had just found LARPing (see http://nordiclarp.org/wiki/Main_Page for more info, it's a weird hobby), and was blown away with how amazing it was. Mistress was one of three other women who were planning on going to an event as a group of soldiers in a 17th century setting, and they were one person short and asked me to join them. We were a tight group after that, for a couple of years on. Eventually the group fell apart, but me and Mistress stayed friends.
She was working towards her PhD, while I hadn't even finished the Swedish equivalent of High School when we met. I graduated eventually and the years after that was a bit chaotic for me. I enrolled at the University but never got a degree, I broke up with one boyfriend, slept around a little bit (very little, actually) and fell in love with a couple of other guys. Mistress on the other hand got her PhD, got a job as a scientist and lived an ordered, albeit perhaps a bit empty life.
We started organising LARP-events together, and we were good at it. We didn't really talk all that much, mostly about the current project, and it took us a long while before we realised that we had begun to come up with things to do just so that we could meet and do them together...
When at long last we both realised that we were in love, I was already living with my then-Master. We had a D/s-relationship since a couple of years back, and I was invested and loyal and in love with him. And head-over-heels in love with Mistress.
It was a recipe for disaster, and in time it was quite disastrous. In the beginning it wasn't though, because both Mistress and my ex was brave and open minded and generous persons, and decided to enter into a poly dynamic together. The dream was a family of three, with them being if not in love so at least infatuated with each other, and me belonging to them both.
It all fell apart in couple of months, and since we were all stubborn and deeply invested in the idea, we strived and tried and fought for it for two years after that. None of us was ready to call it quits, but we were increasingly unhappy. At long last I couldn't take it anymore an moved in with my mom for a week to think. After two days I missed Mistress like crazy, but not my ex, and there was my answer.
I broke up with my ex and moved in with Mistress, and we've been together ever since. That was January 2006, so we've been living together for eight years now, and known each other for 17 years (oh my God! Haven't thought about that before. That's a long time. Ah well.)
Mistress proposed in March 2006, and we got married in church in 2007, the happiest day of my life so far.
Oct 18, 2012
A good talk
Yesterday, as Mistress was tying me to the bed we discussed the appropriateness of me getting a massage and being slightly dominated by anyone else than her. And I get her point, which was "this sounds very much like when you and I started to fall in love."
And it does, in a way. Because it is what I do with friends I really like, when I finally let the guards down and dares to let someone in. I get all cuddly and a tad submissive. In Mistress case, it happened to be with my soulmate, my life-partner, the one who eventually came to own me and who I have given myself to completely. That doesn't mean that is destined to happen with any one I get close to or like, or for that matter cuddle with.
And I don't think she thinks that either. But I do thinks there's a sense of karma here, a sense of "how do I know it wont happen to me like it happened to him". Him, in this case, being my ex. Our ex. The boyfriend we shared (kinda) for two-and-a-half-year. I did leave him, eventually, and I did end up with her, and for a while there they were involved in a sort of tug-of-war over me, that was excruciating for all people involved.
I guess the most calming response would have been something along the lines of "How can you even think I would ever want anything to do with anyone but you?". And I did give that, in a way. She is my true love. And no matter any possible feelings for anyone else, I belong to her. I obey her, and I follow her, and she gets to decide what I do with anyone else, no matter the content of the relationship. I have no intention of ever leaving her - on the contrary, I don't think I would be capable even if I in some weird alternate universe would want to.
But I could easily picture having sex with someone else. Doing it by myself, purely on a whim or an infatuation, I can imagine, but I have to admit that the idea is immediately followed with feelings of dread and thoughts of her being hurt and of how it would eventually be extremely complicated (and this is even though this fantasy requires her consent - I can't imagine doing anything without that (literary, I can't. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true. Disobedience and deceit is not my thing)).
Most of my thoughts regarding poly or sharing involves her, of her lending me to someone else (that would be hot!) or her being with someone other than me (also hot, though a little more disturbing). Or of me being used or forced to submit in front of people, or with other people. But all these thoughts has her as the centre, as the driving force. Me alone going out and hooking up with someone else? Not so much.
And still I like cuddles. I like to be close. I like to be handled by others. In short, in safe and loving company, I like to feel that I'm appreciated, I like hugs and cuddles, and I like to be seen and treated as the person I am. Which more resembles a happy labrador than a grown-up professional. The labrador part of me, the submissive, happy, touchy-feely, vulnerable, non-thinking part, doesn't get out much, as opposed to the competent grown-up part, so when the occasion arise I get happy tingly feelings.
Eventually, she laid down the rules: I get to cuddle as much as I want, and have anyone do whatever to me, (as long as it feels good to me and doesn't hurt anyone, I assume was taken for granted in this) but I'm not allowed to let anyone turn me on without her present. That, actually, felt like a very clear cut rule to me, with the great aspect of me monitoring my own feelings and experience, and not making me responsible for others feelings and behaviours. If I'm not turned on, and someone does something inappropriate, I wont like it and remove myself. If I am turned on, I can notice that and remove myself before anyone does anything inappropriate.
And I still don't have to walk on eggshells, constantly wondering if what I do is okay or not, or if I'm doing something she wouldn't like.
When we had finished talking I was tied up and told to lie still, and she sat down at her computer and worked for an hour or so. I don't really know, because I fell asleep. When I woke up it was time for lunch, and while the water for the pasta was starting to boil, she fucked me senseless. Then we had tortellini.
And it does, in a way. Because it is what I do with friends I really like, when I finally let the guards down and dares to let someone in. I get all cuddly and a tad submissive. In Mistress case, it happened to be with my soulmate, my life-partner, the one who eventually came to own me and who I have given myself to completely. That doesn't mean that is destined to happen with any one I get close to or like, or for that matter cuddle with.
And I don't think she thinks that either. But I do thinks there's a sense of karma here, a sense of "how do I know it wont happen to me like it happened to him". Him, in this case, being my ex. Our ex. The boyfriend we shared (kinda) for two-and-a-half-year. I did leave him, eventually, and I did end up with her, and for a while there they were involved in a sort of tug-of-war over me, that was excruciating for all people involved.
I guess the most calming response would have been something along the lines of "How can you even think I would ever want anything to do with anyone but you?". And I did give that, in a way. She is my true love. And no matter any possible feelings for anyone else, I belong to her. I obey her, and I follow her, and she gets to decide what I do with anyone else, no matter the content of the relationship. I have no intention of ever leaving her - on the contrary, I don't think I would be capable even if I in some weird alternate universe would want to.
But I could easily picture having sex with someone else. Doing it by myself, purely on a whim or an infatuation, I can imagine, but I have to admit that the idea is immediately followed with feelings of dread and thoughts of her being hurt and of how it would eventually be extremely complicated (and this is even though this fantasy requires her consent - I can't imagine doing anything without that (literary, I can't. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true. Disobedience and deceit is not my thing)).
Most of my thoughts regarding poly or sharing involves her, of her lending me to someone else (that would be hot!) or her being with someone other than me (also hot, though a little more disturbing). Or of me being used or forced to submit in front of people, or with other people. But all these thoughts has her as the centre, as the driving force. Me alone going out and hooking up with someone else? Not so much.
And still I like cuddles. I like to be close. I like to be handled by others. In short, in safe and loving company, I like to feel that I'm appreciated, I like hugs and cuddles, and I like to be seen and treated as the person I am. Which more resembles a happy labrador than a grown-up professional. The labrador part of me, the submissive, happy, touchy-feely, vulnerable, non-thinking part, doesn't get out much, as opposed to the competent grown-up part, so when the occasion arise I get happy tingly feelings.
Eventually, she laid down the rules: I get to cuddle as much as I want, and have anyone do whatever to me, (as long as it feels good to me and doesn't hurt anyone, I assume was taken for granted in this) but I'm not allowed to let anyone turn me on without her present. That, actually, felt like a very clear cut rule to me, with the great aspect of me monitoring my own feelings and experience, and not making me responsible for others feelings and behaviours. If I'm not turned on, and someone does something inappropriate, I wont like it and remove myself. If I am turned on, I can notice that and remove myself before anyone does anything inappropriate.
And I still don't have to walk on eggshells, constantly wondering if what I do is okay or not, or if I'm doing something she wouldn't like.
When we had finished talking I was tied up and told to lie still, and she sat down at her computer and worked for an hour or so. I don't really know, because I fell asleep. When I woke up it was time for lunch, and while the water for the pasta was starting to boil, she fucked me senseless. Then we had tortellini.
Oct 11, 2012
This gift-thing
I've been reading a lot on FetLife, my constant source of amusement and food for thought (mostly about how strange people are) that it's obviously not okay to say that submission is a gift. Or at least that a lot of people seem to think a lot of other people say that all the time, and are tired of it. Because it is so dumb, for some reason.
I've never actually read anyone claiming that submission is a gift, only the rant people have over those who allegedly claim that. It seems that even on Fet I run in strange circles. Anyway.
Obviously I started to think contrary that "hey! my submission is a gift! Isn't it?" but no, mine isn't either (which doesn't mean that not someone elses submission is. There's might be all gift-wrapped and sparkly, as far as I know). It's not a gift anymore than her control is, and that makes the whole thing kind of meaningless. Also, it's not really something I do voluntarily.
I don't have my submission and hold it out to her and say "I may give this to you, if you're good enough...". I don't give it to her out of the kindness of my heart, or because she's proven her self worthy.
The thing is I love her. And submit is the thing I want to do when I love someone. Not submitting is painful. Granted, I can withhold it if I don't feel safe enough, or I can at least try, but withholding submission means to also withhold love. And intimacy. And a relationship, more or less.
In the beginning, when I actually didn't really trust her to want my submission, when I was full of doubt about if a submissive girlfriend really was what she wanted and if I would actually be safe and appreciated by her, I did try to not submit to her. Several times. And each and every time it ended with me broken down in tears because I couldn't imagine a life without loving her, and I couldn't do that, I couldn't be with her, if she didn't want my submission too.
So it wasn't so much of a gift. More like a package-deal thing. With me, submission comes in the bargain if I happen to fall in love with you.
I have fallen in love once with a man who didn't want that part of me. He didn't want me at all actually, as far as I know, (except as a friend) even if there was an agonising period of mixed signals and misunderstandings. He might just not have been that into me. But he definitely didn't want my submission, and it's equally evident to me that that's simply how I love.
So a big thing for me when it became just Mistress and me was if she really wanted me, the whole me, if she wanted my love as it is, even though it's a bit twisted and unique sort of love that means she has to step up to the plate and accept the role as the dominant partner. It was very easy for me to imagine her wanting me as a partner, but an equal partner, wanting my love but not my submission, wanting a relationship but not wanting to be the leader in that relationship. And I tried to anticipate that, I tried to be ready and okay with that, I tried - and failed.
Luckily, she wanted it. I think she wanted it from the beginning, but it took us a while to figure the whole thing out. I think that the love came first, for us, and the control and the submission and the power exchange followed inexorably from that, and a long time after that, after a lot of heart wrenching arguments, drama and quite a lot of therapy for both of us, came trust.
So no, it's not a gift. It's more of a condition. It's what I do when I'm in love, and she has my undying love, and so she has my submission whether she likes it or not. Her accepting it, her wanting it, feels like a gift to me. But I don't really think it is, either. I just think that she couldn't stand living with me if she didn't have the right to slap me around every now and then...
I've never actually read anyone claiming that submission is a gift, only the rant people have over those who allegedly claim that. It seems that even on Fet I run in strange circles. Anyway.
Obviously I started to think contrary that "hey! my submission is a gift! Isn't it?" but no, mine isn't either (which doesn't mean that not someone elses submission is. There's might be all gift-wrapped and sparkly, as far as I know). It's not a gift anymore than her control is, and that makes the whole thing kind of meaningless. Also, it's not really something I do voluntarily.
I don't have my submission and hold it out to her and say "I may give this to you, if you're good enough...". I don't give it to her out of the kindness of my heart, or because she's proven her self worthy.
The thing is I love her. And submit is the thing I want to do when I love someone. Not submitting is painful. Granted, I can withhold it if I don't feel safe enough, or I can at least try, but withholding submission means to also withhold love. And intimacy. And a relationship, more or less.
In the beginning, when I actually didn't really trust her to want my submission, when I was full of doubt about if a submissive girlfriend really was what she wanted and if I would actually be safe and appreciated by her, I did try to not submit to her. Several times. And each and every time it ended with me broken down in tears because I couldn't imagine a life without loving her, and I couldn't do that, I couldn't be with her, if she didn't want my submission too.
So it wasn't so much of a gift. More like a package-deal thing. With me, submission comes in the bargain if I happen to fall in love with you.
I have fallen in love once with a man who didn't want that part of me. He didn't want me at all actually, as far as I know, (except as a friend) even if there was an agonising period of mixed signals and misunderstandings. He might just not have been that into me. But he definitely didn't want my submission, and it's equally evident to me that that's simply how I love.
So a big thing for me when it became just Mistress and me was if she really wanted me, the whole me, if she wanted my love as it is, even though it's a bit twisted and unique sort of love that means she has to step up to the plate and accept the role as the dominant partner. It was very easy for me to imagine her wanting me as a partner, but an equal partner, wanting my love but not my submission, wanting a relationship but not wanting to be the leader in that relationship. And I tried to anticipate that, I tried to be ready and okay with that, I tried - and failed.
Luckily, she wanted it. I think she wanted it from the beginning, but it took us a while to figure the whole thing out. I think that the love came first, for us, and the control and the submission and the power exchange followed inexorably from that, and a long time after that, after a lot of heart wrenching arguments, drama and quite a lot of therapy for both of us, came trust.
So no, it's not a gift. It's more of a condition. It's what I do when I'm in love, and she has my undying love, and so she has my submission whether she likes it or not. Her accepting it, her wanting it, feels like a gift to me. But I don't really think it is, either. I just think that she couldn't stand living with me if she didn't have the right to slap me around every now and then...
Jun 18, 2012
Back in the business! Yey!
We went to a LARP (Live Action Role Playing) this weekend, Mistress' parents took care of little S and we were away all Saturday into the night, we didn't get home until two. Except for something very akin a hangover because of the sleep disruption (the event didn't allow any alcohol, so it must have been the sleep-thing) it was great.
The thing is, me and Mistress met for the first time during the preparations before a LARP in 1997. I was seventeen, she was 26 and the oldest of the group of four who invited me to join them in playing soldiers in a fantasysetting depicting two army camps fighting over a small village. It was my first event, and it was life changing for me. I found friends and an interest that stills holds me, and I finally somehow found a place were I fit in. The LARP itself lasted for five days that time (that's a long long time to be playing, actually) but the consequenses lasted a life time.
Mistress and the others were involved in one specific society, a small organisation with something like 50 members, and I joined too. I did a lot of other stuff too, I participated in making a magazine about larping and went to a lot of different types of events with different settings and was very involved in the hobby for a few years in my early twenties.
Eventually I toned down my commitment and focused more on real life things, like getting a job and with time getting in to the university program I'm attending now. I started the relationship with my ex, and Mistress entered into it as the third party- much inspired actually by an event we participated in, were the setting was S/F and everyone lived in marriages of four people. That's one way larping changes lifes - it illustrates things that could be, allows one to try and feel and experience different realities, different solutions.
But all the time, I was still a member of this first society, or at least a hangaround - I haven't paid the members fee every year since -97, but I have been connected to it all the time. 2001, if I remember correctly, Mistress and I organised our first own event in this society, that focuses on one specific made up fantasy-world, that has been consistent since 1985, and lives in the hearts and heads of the players who creates an re-creates it at and in-between events. It's somehow both my own creation and my second home, as well as belonging to all my friends.
When I got pregnant and little S was born, we more or less stopped. We went to a few events, once when little S was four months old and Mistress participated once alone a while later. But our hearst wasn't in it, and we both decided that we didn't want to play our characters anymore. They had been around for a while, mine for eight years but Mistress' for something like twenty years. And still, for a variety of reasons, it was time to end them. So we did, on those events. Both were actually brutally murdered, in two unrelated scenes, by the evil evil bastards that always in exists in fantasy settings about epic struggles between good and evil.
But now, it's time to start again, and it makes me really really happy. Something has been missing from our lifes. It wasn't really a voluntary hiatus from our hobby, it was a forced on, a result of us bowing to the inevitable of sleeplessness and sickness and a gruesome workload. Having a kid was something like a thousand times more work and pain than I ever thought it would be. Not to mention pregnancy and delivery... It's not until now we have the time and energy to focus on something that isn't day to day stuff, firmly related to our reality.
And for some reason, we need this escapism. It was so great seeing Mistress doing something fun, something besides taking care of little S or me or working. She's so responsible, so hardworking, so very very conscientous - it was a relief simply to see her do something she likes, for herself. I'm better at that most days, I've kept breathing holes for myself, but she hasn't in many ways, and I'm so glad the pressure is letting up a bit.
We made new characters that was great fun to enact, and we had good equipment, we finally finished some things that has been waiting for us (I made a scabbard for a long sword I got for my twentieth birthday but haven't been able to use because I've had nothing to keep it in, for one thing) and I was proud of us. And the best thing is that we'll be able to keep these characters in the future, and keep playing them in a campaing friends of ours are organising for the next year or so, maybe once every third month. I'm so excited about that.
In a way it feels like getting my life back. My life, the one it appeared I accidentally traded in when we decided to become parents. I didn't get a child because I disliked my previous life, and I grieved that loss quite a lot when I realised what had happened during that first year we had little S. Now it seems it may have been a more temporary thing than I thought it was. I hope so!
This is me, and it's not until I got it back that I realised just how much it meant to me, to my feeling of being myself, and to my happiness. Getting out of this world now and then makes it so much better to live in.
The thing is, me and Mistress met for the first time during the preparations before a LARP in 1997. I was seventeen, she was 26 and the oldest of the group of four who invited me to join them in playing soldiers in a fantasysetting depicting two army camps fighting over a small village. It was my first event, and it was life changing for me. I found friends and an interest that stills holds me, and I finally somehow found a place were I fit in. The LARP itself lasted for five days that time (that's a long long time to be playing, actually) but the consequenses lasted a life time.
Mistress and the others were involved in one specific society, a small organisation with something like 50 members, and I joined too. I did a lot of other stuff too, I participated in making a magazine about larping and went to a lot of different types of events with different settings and was very involved in the hobby for a few years in my early twenties.
Eventually I toned down my commitment and focused more on real life things, like getting a job and with time getting in to the university program I'm attending now. I started the relationship with my ex, and Mistress entered into it as the third party- much inspired actually by an event we participated in, were the setting was S/F and everyone lived in marriages of four people. That's one way larping changes lifes - it illustrates things that could be, allows one to try and feel and experience different realities, different solutions.
But all the time, I was still a member of this first society, or at least a hangaround - I haven't paid the members fee every year since -97, but I have been connected to it all the time. 2001, if I remember correctly, Mistress and I organised our first own event in this society, that focuses on one specific made up fantasy-world, that has been consistent since 1985, and lives in the hearts and heads of the players who creates an re-creates it at and in-between events. It's somehow both my own creation and my second home, as well as belonging to all my friends.
When I got pregnant and little S was born, we more or less stopped. We went to a few events, once when little S was four months old and Mistress participated once alone a while later. But our hearst wasn't in it, and we both decided that we didn't want to play our characters anymore. They had been around for a while, mine for eight years but Mistress' for something like twenty years. And still, for a variety of reasons, it was time to end them. So we did, on those events. Both were actually brutally murdered, in two unrelated scenes, by the evil evil bastards that always in exists in fantasy settings about epic struggles between good and evil.
But now, it's time to start again, and it makes me really really happy. Something has been missing from our lifes. It wasn't really a voluntary hiatus from our hobby, it was a forced on, a result of us bowing to the inevitable of sleeplessness and sickness and a gruesome workload. Having a kid was something like a thousand times more work and pain than I ever thought it would be. Not to mention pregnancy and delivery... It's not until now we have the time and energy to focus on something that isn't day to day stuff, firmly related to our reality.
And for some reason, we need this escapism. It was so great seeing Mistress doing something fun, something besides taking care of little S or me or working. She's so responsible, so hardworking, so very very conscientous - it was a relief simply to see her do something she likes, for herself. I'm better at that most days, I've kept breathing holes for myself, but she hasn't in many ways, and I'm so glad the pressure is letting up a bit.
We made new characters that was great fun to enact, and we had good equipment, we finally finished some things that has been waiting for us (I made a scabbard for a long sword I got for my twentieth birthday but haven't been able to use because I've had nothing to keep it in, for one thing) and I was proud of us. And the best thing is that we'll be able to keep these characters in the future, and keep playing them in a campaing friends of ours are organising for the next year or so, maybe once every third month. I'm so excited about that.
In a way it feels like getting my life back. My life, the one it appeared I accidentally traded in when we decided to become parents. I didn't get a child because I disliked my previous life, and I grieved that loss quite a lot when I realised what had happened during that first year we had little S. Now it seems it may have been a more temporary thing than I thought it was. I hope so!
This is me, and it's not until I got it back that I realised just how much it meant to me, to my feeling of being myself, and to my happiness. Getting out of this world now and then makes it so much better to live in.
Jun 13, 2012
The opposite of being broken
The discussions about being broken on the blogs that I read made me think about my relationship with Mistress, and the one I was in before. Because I can relate to the posts that's about wanting to be broken, but also to the more somber ones. In a way, I'd like to say that I've tried both.
In the first relationship (it wasn't really my first per se, but my first power exchange dynamic, and I was young, only 22) I did feel this urge, this need, to be broken, to be stripped bare and have all my defenses violently stripped away. We played hard, much harder than I'm really comfortable thinking about when I think back at it. I thought that if he hurt me bad enough, we would find something, there at the bottom, as if there was some sort of treasure or secret buried inside me, that would be driven into the open with enough pain, enough humiliation, enough tears.
There wasn't, of course. There was transcendence, though, a feeling of losing myself, of being one with him, and with everything. A feeling of everything being perfect and just right. And it's really cool when that happens, and it is worth striving for. To a point.
But I can get that feeling in other ways, in for me better ways. For one, I get it sometimes in the most mundane situationes. When rocking my baby to sleep. When resting at Mistress' arm. A feeling of piece and contentment and wholeness that is not exactly the same, but has the same quality, has the same feeling of perfectness and being out of myself. So that's one thing.
I also get it sometimes while participating in a LARP, when the experience of being another, of acting out another persons feelings and thoughts and actions, and being creative and suddenly having everything click into place in perfect harmony, gives that same feeling of transcending. Again, not exactly the same, but the same sort of expericence.
And I get it when Mistress plays with me, most usually when she beats me and I float away in bliss. I lose myself, I can't talk or move, nor do I want to, and I feel... away. In a good way.
And the downside of the things me and the ex did was that it hurt. Or maybe it's more accurate to say that it harmed. I mean, he beat me. And in the end it turned out that it didn't matter that I was turned on by that, that I had signed up for it, that I in many cases initatied it or begged for it. Or rather, of course it mattered, it would have been a ton worse if it hadn't been consensual, of course. But even so, it still impacted me.
Physically, for one thing, which actually is a problem because I lost some of my sensation in my ass, and that bugs me, and I got a latex allergy... That's mostly to laugh at, but it contributed to me having an allergy attack to walnuts last summer, which scared the hell out of me, made me spend the night at the ER, and makes me never allowed to eat walnuts again. The thing is, it's not that big things but they're there. They happened. What he and I did during a couple of years for kicks have given me lifelong consequenses I have to deal with, which makes me wish we would have slowed down a bit and taken it a little more easy.
But most profoundly it impacted my mind. At the end the consensual part of the deal was no longer there either. There was no part of me left that could say no to him, until I was ready to leave him. But there was many many months before that, and especially at the end, were what he did was not in any way good for me.
I realise I'm being vague. I think I want to be vague. It was a painful time, I'm ashamed of many things, and I still feel loathe to say anything that will make him out in a bad light. I think that everytime I think of that time, I get back in that mindset of constant bad conscience and feelings of inadequacy.
What I do know is that when we broke up and I moved in with Mistress, I knew I didn't want to be hurt like that again. My inner painslut had gone into hiding, or maybe packed up and left.
We do S/M-play too, and I have no idea were we rank on any kind of severity scale. But I do know that I'm never broken. I always feel more alive, more energized, more like me, afterwards than I did before. With him, I was broken. I needed time to recover afterwards, because he put me in a state were I couldn't function. Mistress doesn't, and for me, I think that is much, much healthier.
Of course, I like me a good cuddle afterwards and I might not be at the peak of academic performance the second she pulls her cock out of me and allows me to get out of bed. But I'm still me and what she does, everything she does, makes me better and stronger and healthier and more of me, and that, I think, is the opposite of breaking. For us, that's the right path.
(Would I go down another path with her if she wanted to? Would I let her beat me and use me and break me like he did, if she wanted to? Yes. I would. Because I'm wired like that. I don't have those kind of shields up, for good and for bad. But since she doesn't do that, for the time being, I don't have to worry about that right now.)
In the first relationship (it wasn't really my first per se, but my first power exchange dynamic, and I was young, only 22) I did feel this urge, this need, to be broken, to be stripped bare and have all my defenses violently stripped away. We played hard, much harder than I'm really comfortable thinking about when I think back at it. I thought that if he hurt me bad enough, we would find something, there at the bottom, as if there was some sort of treasure or secret buried inside me, that would be driven into the open with enough pain, enough humiliation, enough tears.
There wasn't, of course. There was transcendence, though, a feeling of losing myself, of being one with him, and with everything. A feeling of everything being perfect and just right. And it's really cool when that happens, and it is worth striving for. To a point.
But I can get that feeling in other ways, in for me better ways. For one, I get it sometimes in the most mundane situationes. When rocking my baby to sleep. When resting at Mistress' arm. A feeling of piece and contentment and wholeness that is not exactly the same, but has the same quality, has the same feeling of perfectness and being out of myself. So that's one thing.
I also get it sometimes while participating in a LARP, when the experience of being another, of acting out another persons feelings and thoughts and actions, and being creative and suddenly having everything click into place in perfect harmony, gives that same feeling of transcending. Again, not exactly the same, but the same sort of expericence.
And I get it when Mistress plays with me, most usually when she beats me and I float away in bliss. I lose myself, I can't talk or move, nor do I want to, and I feel... away. In a good way.
And the downside of the things me and the ex did was that it hurt. Or maybe it's more accurate to say that it harmed. I mean, he beat me. And in the end it turned out that it didn't matter that I was turned on by that, that I had signed up for it, that I in many cases initatied it or begged for it. Or rather, of course it mattered, it would have been a ton worse if it hadn't been consensual, of course. But even so, it still impacted me.
Physically, for one thing, which actually is a problem because I lost some of my sensation in my ass, and that bugs me, and I got a latex allergy... That's mostly to laugh at, but it contributed to me having an allergy attack to walnuts last summer, which scared the hell out of me, made me spend the night at the ER, and makes me never allowed to eat walnuts again. The thing is, it's not that big things but they're there. They happened. What he and I did during a couple of years for kicks have given me lifelong consequenses I have to deal with, which makes me wish we would have slowed down a bit and taken it a little more easy.
But most profoundly it impacted my mind. At the end the consensual part of the deal was no longer there either. There was no part of me left that could say no to him, until I was ready to leave him. But there was many many months before that, and especially at the end, were what he did was not in any way good for me.
I realise I'm being vague. I think I want to be vague. It was a painful time, I'm ashamed of many things, and I still feel loathe to say anything that will make him out in a bad light. I think that everytime I think of that time, I get back in that mindset of constant bad conscience and feelings of inadequacy.
What I do know is that when we broke up and I moved in with Mistress, I knew I didn't want to be hurt like that again. My inner painslut had gone into hiding, or maybe packed up and left.
We do S/M-play too, and I have no idea were we rank on any kind of severity scale. But I do know that I'm never broken. I always feel more alive, more energized, more like me, afterwards than I did before. With him, I was broken. I needed time to recover afterwards, because he put me in a state were I couldn't function. Mistress doesn't, and for me, I think that is much, much healthier.
Of course, I like me a good cuddle afterwards and I might not be at the peak of academic performance the second she pulls her cock out of me and allows me to get out of bed. But I'm still me and what she does, everything she does, makes me better and stronger and healthier and more of me, and that, I think, is the opposite of breaking. For us, that's the right path.
(Would I go down another path with her if she wanted to? Would I let her beat me and use me and break me like he did, if she wanted to? Yes. I would. Because I'm wired like that. I don't have those kind of shields up, for good and for bad. But since she doesn't do that, for the time being, I don't have to worry about that right now.)
May 28, 2012
On poly and labels and other things
My dear and also newly divorced friend I. has found a new... well, not boyfriend, because he don't believe in labeling relationships, but that's what I would call it. Hook-up is what they use, but they are very lovey-dovey and always together and fantasize about their future children, so I'm thinking it's a romantic relationship whatever he wants to call it.
Either way, he's poly and a relationship anarcist, with two steady long term other girls, a boy he flirts with and a gang of gay men he hangs out with and presumably fucks when the mood so takes them. Understandably, she's pondering where she fits in to this matrix, and is trying to orientate herself and find her own values and opinions after being married and also submissive in a 24/7 D/s relationship for ten years. They're happy, but it's a bit complicated.
So we've been discussing relationships and needs and labels and values a lot lately, or at least whenever we've had a chance to see each other for a minute. And it's been really interesting for me to figure out my own opinions, regarding my own life (they, of course, do what suits them, I don't meddle in that).
When I was together with my ex-boyfriend, submitting to him, and realised that me and Mistress was in love, that was a potential disaster. We kept our feelings hidden, for ourselves and each other, for a long time because of that. It all came out because of a LARP, actually, were we played characters married to each other in a poly family, it was a SF setting, featuring a society where every marriage was with four people (there was also a 18-hour day, everyone living in biosphere thousands of years in the future on a different planet, and well, it was that kind of story). When we made the decision to try to form a poly-tryad, I think that experience influenced a lot. That, and the longing for a pack, a flock, a family.
That experiment lasted for two years, of which at least one and a half was very very bad. My ex, then my Master, also had the right/privilege to sleep with others, which he did one time towards the end, and I resented it deeply (no matter that I regularly slept with another woman...). Ours was not a healthy dynamic, and my personal experiences with poly is not happy ones.
Even so, when me and Mistress moved in together, and eventually got married, we didn't declare monogamy as the rule. Partly I think because that would be unnecessary limiting. And also, I don't know, it just doesn't feel right. It's not a traditional marriage, since we're both women it couldn't be even if we wanted it to, so we can decide for ourselves. Since we're out of the norm anyway, being O/p and lesbians, everything becomes a choice, and we haven't actively chosen monogamy as a guiding principle.
But what separates us from my friend I. and her new... whatever, is that the decisions regarding sex is entirely onesided. I'm not sure Mistress will be my only sex partner for the rest of my life. In fact, I hope she wont be. But what happens in that regard is up to her, completely. I don't get a say in the matter, and the point is that I don't want to. Thats my desire, that's my lifestyle, that's my choice. I hope she wont be my only sex partner, because I hope she'll someday execute that right and let someone else use me. I don't really have much of a preference about whom, I just want her to use me that way. The same way I want her to whip me or fuck me or hurt me or choke me or anything else she does.
If she want to have sex with someone else that's her right to. If she does it without me, simply because someone else turns her on, I think I'll probably feel a bit insecure and threatened and worry a bit and perhaps be jealous, but I'll also revel in the fact that she's using her rights as my Owner to live a happy and fullfilled life, and I want to believe it would work out alright in the end. If she does it with me present, to make a point or to teach me something or to involve me in a play with multiple partners, I would most probably love it, without worry.
All in all, we end up somewhere between poly and traditional, monogamish as it were. For now, it's only us, and I would be very surprised if we ever move away from the two of us being primary partners, but I wouldn't be surprised if somewhere along the way someone else got involved in one way or another. But the important driving principle is that whatever happens, it's her decision. It's kind of on another axle than the whole poly/monogamy-discussion.
It will be interesting to see where they land, my friend I. and her new one. I think she's fine with the sharing and the poly bit, but I don't think that she'll accept the "no labels" part of the philosophy - it's kind of hard when you've been and owned submissive for ten years, I think. What would we do without our labels?
Either way, he's poly and a relationship anarcist, with two steady long term other girls, a boy he flirts with and a gang of gay men he hangs out with and presumably fucks when the mood so takes them. Understandably, she's pondering where she fits in to this matrix, and is trying to orientate herself and find her own values and opinions after being married and also submissive in a 24/7 D/s relationship for ten years. They're happy, but it's a bit complicated.
So we've been discussing relationships and needs and labels and values a lot lately, or at least whenever we've had a chance to see each other for a minute. And it's been really interesting for me to figure out my own opinions, regarding my own life (they, of course, do what suits them, I don't meddle in that).
When I was together with my ex-boyfriend, submitting to him, and realised that me and Mistress was in love, that was a potential disaster. We kept our feelings hidden, for ourselves and each other, for a long time because of that. It all came out because of a LARP, actually, were we played characters married to each other in a poly family, it was a SF setting, featuring a society where every marriage was with four people (there was also a 18-hour day, everyone living in biosphere thousands of years in the future on a different planet, and well, it was that kind of story). When we made the decision to try to form a poly-tryad, I think that experience influenced a lot. That, and the longing for a pack, a flock, a family.
That experiment lasted for two years, of which at least one and a half was very very bad. My ex, then my Master, also had the right/privilege to sleep with others, which he did one time towards the end, and I resented it deeply (no matter that I regularly slept with another woman...). Ours was not a healthy dynamic, and my personal experiences with poly is not happy ones.
Even so, when me and Mistress moved in together, and eventually got married, we didn't declare monogamy as the rule. Partly I think because that would be unnecessary limiting. And also, I don't know, it just doesn't feel right. It's not a traditional marriage, since we're both women it couldn't be even if we wanted it to, so we can decide for ourselves. Since we're out of the norm anyway, being O/p and lesbians, everything becomes a choice, and we haven't actively chosen monogamy as a guiding principle.
But what separates us from my friend I. and her new... whatever, is that the decisions regarding sex is entirely onesided. I'm not sure Mistress will be my only sex partner for the rest of my life. In fact, I hope she wont be. But what happens in that regard is up to her, completely. I don't get a say in the matter, and the point is that I don't want to. Thats my desire, that's my lifestyle, that's my choice. I hope she wont be my only sex partner, because I hope she'll someday execute that right and let someone else use me. I don't really have much of a preference about whom, I just want her to use me that way. The same way I want her to whip me or fuck me or hurt me or choke me or anything else she does.
If she want to have sex with someone else that's her right to. If she does it without me, simply because someone else turns her on, I think I'll probably feel a bit insecure and threatened and worry a bit and perhaps be jealous, but I'll also revel in the fact that she's using her rights as my Owner to live a happy and fullfilled life, and I want to believe it would work out alright in the end. If she does it with me present, to make a point or to teach me something or to involve me in a play with multiple partners, I would most probably love it, without worry.
All in all, we end up somewhere between poly and traditional, monogamish as it were. For now, it's only us, and I would be very surprised if we ever move away from the two of us being primary partners, but I wouldn't be surprised if somewhere along the way someone else got involved in one way or another. But the important driving principle is that whatever happens, it's her decision. It's kind of on another axle than the whole poly/monogamy-discussion.
It will be interesting to see where they land, my friend I. and her new one. I think she's fine with the sharing and the poly bit, but I don't think that she'll accept the "no labels" part of the philosophy - it's kind of hard when you've been and owned submissive for ten years, I think. What would we do without our labels?
Apr 26, 2012
Collar-time?
I was 22 when I met my ex boyfriend. It was aboout a year later he put a collar on me, and 6 months after that my Mistress and I realised we were in love, and the three of us decided to continue together. So when Mistress and me got together, I was wearing his permanent collar. "I hated that collar!" she said the other day, and I know that. I knew that. Whenever we were together, he was with us, in the reminder around my throat. Which was fine, as long as we were fine. As long as him and me were fine.
But sadly, the relationship deteriorated badly before it was ended. The last year was horrible, and I remember Mistress and me discussing sometime in March that he had abandoned us, emotionally and in a very practical sense, and that we were both just kind of waiting for him to come back. But he never did. In October, she said she couldn't take it anymore, but somehow we persevered. At Christmas, I caved in, and around New Year, I moved to my mothers apartment for a week, and two weeks after that I split up with him. And only then was the collar removed.
It was a relief. I had loathed wearing it for a long time by then, but been much too afraid of the irrevocable concequenses that would follow if I asked him to take it off. It was supposed to be a symbol of Ownership, of me belonging to him, but I hadn't belonged to him for a long while in any practical or emotional sense at that point, and the symbol had lost it's original meaning. The magic had turned black.
That was... 2006, the very beginning of 2006. Six years ago now. In March, Mistress proposed. Sometime before the wedding in August 2007 I became her slave, her property. For two years I think I wore a chain around my ancle, but eventually the lock broke. Since last summer we've been wearing charms, mine a lock and hers a key, as simple necklaces, but my chain broke, and then I lost the charm. Now we have nothing.
We've been talking about getting tattooes, even went into a studio last summer. I hope we do it someday, but the whole thing about finding a place, describing what we want, booking an appointment and so on seems difficult and cumbersome. We just never seems to actually do it. Honestly, I think tattoo-artist intimidates us. And while that's not really a practical problem when it's me that's apprehensive, it is when she is. Maybe she'll get me tattoed. Maybe she wont.
It does seem, however, as it's time to get a collar around my neck again. Or maybe around my ancle. Or wrist. I don't know. I just know I wont be able to take it off, and now, for the first time in six years, I get that good tingly feeling thinking about it, rather then bad-relationship-triggers. I want to be collared again. I want to be marked and not being able to choose to wear it or not. I want the safety of knowing that I can't take it off, whether I want to or not. I'm ready now. At this point, what she and I have is so much more in the forefront than the memories of what has passed.
I guess it's a little like re-marrying after a divorce.
The collar I once wore was a flat metal ring around my neck, with the lock visible in the back, and it was made out of silver. There are some beautiful collars sold at different places, but most of them look a lot like that one, and I think it's putting both of us off. Eventually, we found www.wyredslave.com, and I think that's what Mistress will get for me. She took measurements for both neck, wrist and ancle, so it will be a surprise what it is.
They're sold with a PVC-coating, too, and I'm guessig I'll end up with something in black, somewhere on my body. I'm looking forward to it.
But sadly, the relationship deteriorated badly before it was ended. The last year was horrible, and I remember Mistress and me discussing sometime in March that he had abandoned us, emotionally and in a very practical sense, and that we were both just kind of waiting for him to come back. But he never did. In October, she said she couldn't take it anymore, but somehow we persevered. At Christmas, I caved in, and around New Year, I moved to my mothers apartment for a week, and two weeks after that I split up with him. And only then was the collar removed.
It was a relief. I had loathed wearing it for a long time by then, but been much too afraid of the irrevocable concequenses that would follow if I asked him to take it off. It was supposed to be a symbol of Ownership, of me belonging to him, but I hadn't belonged to him for a long while in any practical or emotional sense at that point, and the symbol had lost it's original meaning. The magic had turned black.
That was... 2006, the very beginning of 2006. Six years ago now. In March, Mistress proposed. Sometime before the wedding in August 2007 I became her slave, her property. For two years I think I wore a chain around my ancle, but eventually the lock broke. Since last summer we've been wearing charms, mine a lock and hers a key, as simple necklaces, but my chain broke, and then I lost the charm. Now we have nothing.
We've been talking about getting tattooes, even went into a studio last summer. I hope we do it someday, but the whole thing about finding a place, describing what we want, booking an appointment and so on seems difficult and cumbersome. We just never seems to actually do it. Honestly, I think tattoo-artist intimidates us. And while that's not really a practical problem when it's me that's apprehensive, it is when she is. Maybe she'll get me tattoed. Maybe she wont.
It does seem, however, as it's time to get a collar around my neck again. Or maybe around my ancle. Or wrist. I don't know. I just know I wont be able to take it off, and now, for the first time in six years, I get that good tingly feeling thinking about it, rather then bad-relationship-triggers. I want to be collared again. I want to be marked and not being able to choose to wear it or not. I want the safety of knowing that I can't take it off, whether I want to or not. I'm ready now. At this point, what she and I have is so much more in the forefront than the memories of what has passed.
I guess it's a little like re-marrying after a divorce.
The collar I once wore was a flat metal ring around my neck, with the lock visible in the back, and it was made out of silver. There are some beautiful collars sold at different places, but most of them look a lot like that one, and I think it's putting both of us off. Eventually, we found www.wyredslave.com, and I think that's what Mistress will get for me. She took measurements for both neck, wrist and ancle, so it will be a surprise what it is.
They're sold with a PVC-coating, too, and I'm guessig I'll end up with something in black, somewhere on my body. I'm looking forward to it.
Apr 2, 2012
The taming of the... horse?
One big thing that confused me and upset me in the beginning was the sex. She didn't want me, I thought. Whenever I tried something to please her and show her I loved her, I was met with empty stares, or her shrugging me off. When I got upset by the rejection, she got defensive and angry. And I didn't get it. I mean, I did everything right. Exactly as he taught me.
Yeah.
It took me a while to figure that one out, which is a bit embarrassing. But I got it, after a long while. The details I got pretty fast, I quickly stopped doing most of the things that annoyed her. But I didn't really got the big picture for maybe a year or so (I said it was embarrassing...)
I thought she destroyed me, spoiled me in the worst meaning of the word. That she taught me how to do things differently, and in the process made me worse, less desirable, less valued. She didn't want the things he had taught me made me loved and valuable, she made me not do them, and all I could see was that she would eventually stop value me and stop love me and get rid of me. So I resisted, as much as I could.
Until I finally got it.
I finally got that what she was teaching me was how to be good for her, how to do things the way she wanted them done. It was harder to get, I think in my own defence, because a lot of what she wanted was for me not to do things. To be still. To be receptive. To listen and follow. To take what she gave, without resistance. To let her set the pace, let her decide, ler her initiate things, and follow her lead. To do that, I had to dare let go and stop doing stuff, and it took some courage, actually.
An analogy that I've come to think of is of me as a horse. A fine, well-trained horse. With my boyfriend, he kept me as a racing horse. Full of force, speed, nerves. Constantly on tip-toe, constantly moving and trying to break free, running in any direction. He liked that, he liked that his job was to point me in a direction and let me run. He, I think, liked the drama. Even if it also meant that the horse in question would rear, and sometimes run into things.
Racehorse
And when Mistress took over, she didn't want the horse to be a racing horse anymore. She wanted it to be a dressage horse. As fine, as well trained, as powerful. But with a quiet grace and calm and all that power well collected and under minute control. But to make a racing horse in to a dressage horse, you first must make it stop running around prancing...
Dressage
I don't know if it's a good analogy, but it works for me. It explains that confused helpless feeling I got when I realised all that stuff I did, things I thought required of me, wasn't wanted and I had to stop doing them. What good is a slow, untrained race horse? It's dog food. It took me a while to realise Mistress wasn't throwing my talent away because she didn't want me - she simply wanted me to excel at other things.
Nowadays, I lay perfectly still when she beats me. Or well, no I don't, but I try, and I know that's what she wants from me. She doesn't want visual or oral evidence of how she's hurting me, she wants me to be still and accept it. So I do. And I very rarely initiate sex, and if I do it's with great care and low expectations, because I know I please her more that way. She don't mind me being horny and wanting her, but she doesn't expect it from me all the time, and she do want me not to push it. So I don't. And so on and so forth.
Yeah.
It took me a while to figure that one out, which is a bit embarrassing. But I got it, after a long while. The details I got pretty fast, I quickly stopped doing most of the things that annoyed her. But I didn't really got the big picture for maybe a year or so (I said it was embarrassing...)
I thought she destroyed me, spoiled me in the worst meaning of the word. That she taught me how to do things differently, and in the process made me worse, less desirable, less valued. She didn't want the things he had taught me made me loved and valuable, she made me not do them, and all I could see was that she would eventually stop value me and stop love me and get rid of me. So I resisted, as much as I could.
Until I finally got it.
I finally got that what she was teaching me was how to be good for her, how to do things the way she wanted them done. It was harder to get, I think in my own defence, because a lot of what she wanted was for me not to do things. To be still. To be receptive. To listen and follow. To take what she gave, without resistance. To let her set the pace, let her decide, ler her initiate things, and follow her lead. To do that, I had to dare let go and stop doing stuff, and it took some courage, actually.
An analogy that I've come to think of is of me as a horse. A fine, well-trained horse. With my boyfriend, he kept me as a racing horse. Full of force, speed, nerves. Constantly on tip-toe, constantly moving and trying to break free, running in any direction. He liked that, he liked that his job was to point me in a direction and let me run. He, I think, liked the drama. Even if it also meant that the horse in question would rear, and sometimes run into things.
RacehorseAnd when Mistress took over, she didn't want the horse to be a racing horse anymore. She wanted it to be a dressage horse. As fine, as well trained, as powerful. But with a quiet grace and calm and all that power well collected and under minute control. But to make a racing horse in to a dressage horse, you first must make it stop running around prancing...
DressageI don't know if it's a good analogy, but it works for me. It explains that confused helpless feeling I got when I realised all that stuff I did, things I thought required of me, wasn't wanted and I had to stop doing them. What good is a slow, untrained race horse? It's dog food. It took me a while to realise Mistress wasn't throwing my talent away because she didn't want me - she simply wanted me to excel at other things.
Nowadays, I lay perfectly still when she beats me. Or well, no I don't, but I try, and I know that's what she wants from me. She doesn't want visual or oral evidence of how she's hurting me, she wants me to be still and accept it. So I do. And I very rarely initiate sex, and if I do it's with great care and low expectations, because I know I please her more that way. She don't mind me being horny and wanting her, but she doesn't expect it from me all the time, and she do want me not to push it. So I don't. And so on and so forth.
Fears
When I left my ex and moved in with Mistress, we already had a power exchange in place. We had come to terms with me being submissive, and she had realised she enjoyed dominating me. Still, it was a new thing for us to be alone together, for her to have me all to herself, and to me to not being torn between two conflicting masters. It was a huge relief, but also kind of scary. We fought a lot, horrible, angst-filled conflicts that could last for days, flaring up again and again. They always centerd on the same theme, the same one we fight about to this day to be honest; "Do you really want me?"
For me, it was "do you really want my submission? Do you want me in this fashion, in this way that I'm trying to give myself up to you? Do you want me enough to be careful of me, to keep me and treat me well? Do you? Do you really really? Really?"
For her it was the same, I think, but the other way around: "Do you really want to be controlled? Are you really ok with me doing horrible things to you? Are you going to tell me I'm a horrible person and leave me? You can't really want this, can you?"
And we desperately wanted the other one to soothe our fears, without being very good at listening to the answers...
For me, it was "do you really want my submission? Do you want me in this fashion, in this way that I'm trying to give myself up to you? Do you want me enough to be careful of me, to keep me and treat me well? Do you? Do you really really? Really?"
For her it was the same, I think, but the other way around: "Do you really want to be controlled? Are you really ok with me doing horrible things to you? Are you going to tell me I'm a horrible person and leave me? You can't really want this, can you?"
And we desperately wanted the other one to soothe our fears, without being very good at listening to the answers...
Mar 31, 2012
How we got together...
When me and Mistress finally realised we were in love, after about six years of close friendship, I was already commited to my then-Master. We were living together, I wore his collar, and I was absolutely infatuated with him. Which, as any poly-person knows is possible, didn't stop me from falling deeply in love with my Mistress.
So, we had a problem. At that time, my live-in boyfriend (yes, my then-Master, but that was so damn long ago I'm not comfortable calling him that anymore. He's from now on known as "the ex-boyfriend") and my best friend (ergo my Mistress) were quiet good friends, and a bit infatuated with each other too. We decided to try it all together - me and her as his subbies.
That was a good idea for about... three weeks? Or well, maybe three months. Unfortunately, the three-way-relationship lasted for two years, 1,5 of those in complete misery. Bad, bad, bad idea.
We all had our issues (rather sever ones). We all, in some way, sought a solution from our respective issues in this tryad. All it did was lock us together, so that none of us could find a way to say "No! Enough! I'm not happy!". Instead we see-sawed. If she was ok, then he was a neurotic mess. When he got his act together, she got crazy for a while. And I was stuck in the middle, the one place I really don't want to be in, waiting for the glorious day when they both would start acting like sensible adults at the same time, and feeling guilty and responsible, and desperately trying to be a good enough girlfriend and submissive to both of them, so that they would be okay and stop fighting/behaving like assholes.
Of course, I couldn't. And in the end, finally, depressed, obese, stressed out, I broke up with both of them. I couldn't take it anymore. For a week I moved back to my mothers, and said I didn't want to talk to any of them for a while. After a few days, I missed my Mistress like crazy. But when the boyfriend got in touch, all I felt was annoyed. So then I kind of knew.
(But of course I didn't break it up then, because that would have been sensible, and honest and such things. No, I went back home to my boyfriend, and faked it for another fourteen days, until he tried to have sex with me, I turned away, and he started crying. Then I said it. In the middle of the night. And then he threatened to kill himself, and I declared that if he did, I would do too, and dared him to do it. Yeah. Great night.)
So, I choose the girlfriend. That experience always make me wary when others, especially established couples, bring in new people. I think I always relate to my boyfriend, and how it ended up for him. When I choose, and left him, my guilt was endless. It was eating me up. I mean, he was the one I had choosen to live with, make a life with, be collared by. He was my Master, and by then I had lived in a 24/7-relationship with him for 3,5 years. Even during the two years when my Mistress was part of the picture, I was still submissive to him, I was still his. And then I left. And he said he couldn't live without me.
It was horrible. I moved to my Mistress tiny tiny flat in another town, and I think she more or less carried me for months. She got me in to bed and out of it, made me eat, and helped me get to school. Some days I felt so bad, all I could stand was to come to work with her, and sit in her office while she worked, like a dog, or maybe a child who was to sick for daycare. That competely depressed state lasted from February almost all the way to May. Then I realised I didn't know how he was feeling, that I couldn't take responsibility for his feelings, and that I couldn't stay with someone I wasn't happy with simply because that person said he loved me. And then the pain lessened a bit, and after that it got better.
That was... the spring of 2006. Eight years ago. In March that year my Mistress proposed to me. In August 2007 we got married. By then we had sold her tiny flat and bought a bigger one. Later on we got a dog, and in the fall of 2008 I got pregnant. Now we live in an even bigger flat, and our daughter is 2,5 years old.
As far as I know, the boyfriend has a good life. He was studying to be a doctor when we where together, he succeeded a couple of years after the break up, and has been working for some time now. I think he has a long distance thing with a submissive girl from the north of Sweden. I hope he's happy.
It's funny, it seems both so very long ago, and so very close. When I think about it, all the guilt and shame and anguish comes rushing back. But it was a long time ago. And now it's me and my Mistress, and I'm hers and hers alone, and she sees all of me and loves all of me, and I love her.
So, we had a problem. At that time, my live-in boyfriend (yes, my then-Master, but that was so damn long ago I'm not comfortable calling him that anymore. He's from now on known as "the ex-boyfriend") and my best friend (ergo my Mistress) were quiet good friends, and a bit infatuated with each other too. We decided to try it all together - me and her as his subbies.
That was a good idea for about... three weeks? Or well, maybe three months. Unfortunately, the three-way-relationship lasted for two years, 1,5 of those in complete misery. Bad, bad, bad idea.
We all had our issues (rather sever ones). We all, in some way, sought a solution from our respective issues in this tryad. All it did was lock us together, so that none of us could find a way to say "No! Enough! I'm not happy!". Instead we see-sawed. If she was ok, then he was a neurotic mess. When he got his act together, she got crazy for a while. And I was stuck in the middle, the one place I really don't want to be in, waiting for the glorious day when they both would start acting like sensible adults at the same time, and feeling guilty and responsible, and desperately trying to be a good enough girlfriend and submissive to both of them, so that they would be okay and stop fighting/behaving like assholes.
Of course, I couldn't. And in the end, finally, depressed, obese, stressed out, I broke up with both of them. I couldn't take it anymore. For a week I moved back to my mothers, and said I didn't want to talk to any of them for a while. After a few days, I missed my Mistress like crazy. But when the boyfriend got in touch, all I felt was annoyed. So then I kind of knew.
(But of course I didn't break it up then, because that would have been sensible, and honest and such things. No, I went back home to my boyfriend, and faked it for another fourteen days, until he tried to have sex with me, I turned away, and he started crying. Then I said it. In the middle of the night. And then he threatened to kill himself, and I declared that if he did, I would do too, and dared him to do it. Yeah. Great night.)
So, I choose the girlfriend. That experience always make me wary when others, especially established couples, bring in new people. I think I always relate to my boyfriend, and how it ended up for him. When I choose, and left him, my guilt was endless. It was eating me up. I mean, he was the one I had choosen to live with, make a life with, be collared by. He was my Master, and by then I had lived in a 24/7-relationship with him for 3,5 years. Even during the two years when my Mistress was part of the picture, I was still submissive to him, I was still his. And then I left. And he said he couldn't live without me.
It was horrible. I moved to my Mistress tiny tiny flat in another town, and I think she more or less carried me for months. She got me in to bed and out of it, made me eat, and helped me get to school. Some days I felt so bad, all I could stand was to come to work with her, and sit in her office while she worked, like a dog, or maybe a child who was to sick for daycare. That competely depressed state lasted from February almost all the way to May. Then I realised I didn't know how he was feeling, that I couldn't take responsibility for his feelings, and that I couldn't stay with someone I wasn't happy with simply because that person said he loved me. And then the pain lessened a bit, and after that it got better.
That was... the spring of 2006. Eight years ago. In March that year my Mistress proposed to me. In August 2007 we got married. By then we had sold her tiny flat and bought a bigger one. Later on we got a dog, and in the fall of 2008 I got pregnant. Now we live in an even bigger flat, and our daughter is 2,5 years old.
As far as I know, the boyfriend has a good life. He was studying to be a doctor when we where together, he succeeded a couple of years after the break up, and has been working for some time now. I think he has a long distance thing with a submissive girl from the north of Sweden. I hope he's happy.
It's funny, it seems both so very long ago, and so very close. When I think about it, all the guilt and shame and anguish comes rushing back. But it was a long time ago. And now it's me and my Mistress, and I'm hers and hers alone, and she sees all of me and loves all of me, and I love her.
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