This gift-thing

I've been reading a lot on FetLife, my constant source of amusement and food for thought (mostly about how strange people are) that it's obviously not okay to say that submission is a gift. Or at least that a lot of people seem to think a lot of other people say that all the time, and are tired of it. Because it is so dumb, for some reason.

I've never actually read anyone claiming that submission is a gift, only the rant people have over those who allegedly claim that. It seems that even on Fet I run in strange circles. Anyway.

Obviously I started to think contrary that "hey! my submission is a gift! Isn't it?" but no, mine isn't either (which doesn't mean that not someone elses submission is. There's might be all gift-wrapped and sparkly, as far as I know). It's not a gift anymore than her control is, and that makes the whole thing kind of meaningless. Also, it's not really something I do voluntarily.

I don't have my submission and hold it out to her and say "I may give this to you, if you're good enough...". I don't give it to her out of the kindness of my heart, or because she's proven her self worthy.

The thing is I love her. And submit is the thing I want to do when I love someone. Not submitting is painful. Granted, I can withhold it if I don't feel safe enough, or I can at least try, but withholding submission means to also withhold love. And intimacy. And a relationship, more or less.

In the beginning, when I actually didn't really trust her to want my submission, when I was full of doubt about if a submissive girlfriend really was what she wanted and if I would actually be safe and appreciated by her, I did try to not submit to her. Several times. And each and every time it ended with me broken down in tears because I couldn't imagine a life without loving her, and I couldn't do that, I couldn't be with her, if she didn't want my submission too.

So it wasn't so much of a gift. More like a package-deal thing. With me, submission comes in the bargain if I happen to fall in love with you.

I have fallen in love once with a man who didn't want that part of me. He didn't want me at all actually, as far as I know, (except as a friend) even if there was an agonising period of mixed signals and misunderstandings. He might just not have been that into me. But he definitely didn't want my submission, and it's equally evident to me that that's simply how I love.

So a big thing for me when it became just Mistress and me was if she really wanted me, the whole me, if she wanted my love as it is, even though it's a bit twisted and unique sort of love that means she has to step up to the plate and accept the role as the dominant partner. It was very easy for me to imagine her wanting me as a partner, but an equal partner, wanting my love but not my submission, wanting a relationship but not wanting to be the leader in that relationship. And I tried to anticipate that, I tried to be ready and okay with that, I tried - and failed.

Luckily, she wanted it. I think she wanted it from the beginning, but it took us a while to figure the whole thing out. I think that the love came first, for us, and the control and the submission and the power exchange followed inexorably from that, and a long time after that, after a lot of heart wrenching arguments, drama and quite a lot of therapy for both of us, came trust.

So no, it's not a gift. It's more of a condition. It's what I do when I'm in love, and she has my undying love, and so she has my submission whether she likes it or not. Her accepting it, her wanting it, feels like a gift to me. But I don't really think it is, either. I just think that she couldn't stand living with me if she didn't have the right to slap me around every now and then...