Still tired

Yesterday was a hard day. The clock was set back this weekend, and the change in schedule messes with all of us in the family. I think that was one of the reasons I was really really tired. And we had a busy week before that, a fun week but a busy one. We only had the one night in together, for the rest there was me going do the dojo for ju-jutsu, Mistress being a work event, me going to a party and so on.

And yesterday I started my week with four hours of lecture, from 8 to 12. Then I had a therapy client at four thirty and in between I had to get down town to leave my bike off for service. All of these things were essential, non-negotiable. Usually I would skip an hour or two from a four hour lecture, because my head really can't take that, but this was the first and only lecture in a five-week course, and we're only eight people there. Me leaving would have been noticed, one might say.

I was dead tired already when I got up, and took two of my anxiety pills even before leaving the apartment. It's no fun bicycling through the town and especially up the big hill in the middle during an anxiety attack. I didn't start to feel better until half way through the first hour, and then I got exhausted instead, and was about to fall asleep throughout the lecture.

The anxiety stayed with me all day, and it was raining and the cycle repair shop was closed and everything seemed to go wrong. And eventually Mistress sent me a text asking if I was angry or unsure of her or what was the problem because I was addressing her in an unusual manner. I looked through my texts from the day and realised I hadn't called her "Mistress" once. There were a lot of "Kiss!" and one "I love you!" but no "yes Mistress" or "thank you Mistress".

Sometimes she's very perceptive. And yes, there was something wrong. Not between her and me, but between my ears. I was all caught up in angst and exhaustion, and in order to get through the day I shut down. I do that sometimes, when I'm overwhelmed. And apparently calling her "Mistress" is not something I do just because, or without thinking. It's a conscious act of submitting and connecting, and when I'm shut down I'm neither submissive nor connecting. I'm on autopilot, and not very nice at all.

I'm glad she caught me. I'm glad she gave me the opportunity to feel inside and to explain and to fall into her arms once I got home. And then I ditched the ju-jutsu and crawled in to her lap and spent the evening collared and with my head on her chest watching teve.

Today all I've got is a client in the afternoon. The rest of the day is spent on the sofa. I was out running for a short spell too, and now it's lunchtime.

I think it's safe to say that I'm not well yet, and that I have a long way to go before my capacity is back up to normal. And even then my normal doesn't really look like anyone else's normal.