Mar 31, 2012

How we got together...

When me and Mistress finally realised we were in love, after about six years of close friendship, I was already commited to my then-Master. We were living together, I wore his collar, and I was absolutely infatuated with him. Which, as any poly-person knows is possible, didn't stop me from falling deeply in love with my Mistress.

So, we had a problem. At that time, my live-in boyfriend (yes, my then-Master, but that was so damn long ago I'm not comfortable calling him that anymore. He's from now on known as "the ex-boyfriend") and my best friend (ergo my Mistress) were quiet good friends, and a bit infatuated with each other too. We decided to try it all together - me and her as his subbies.

That was a good idea for about... three weeks? Or well, maybe three months. Unfortunately, the three-way-relationship lasted for two years, 1,5 of those in complete misery. Bad, bad, bad idea.

We all had our issues (rather sever ones). We all, in some way, sought a solution from our respective issues in this tryad. All it did was lock us together, so that none of us could find a way to say "No! Enough! I'm not happy!". Instead we see-sawed. If she was ok, then he was a neurotic mess. When he got his act together, she got crazy for a while. And I was stuck in the middle, the one place I really don't want to be in, waiting for the glorious day when they both would start acting like sensible adults at the same time, and feeling guilty and responsible, and desperately trying to be a good enough girlfriend and submissive to both of them, so that they would be okay and stop fighting/behaving like assholes.

Of course, I couldn't. And in the end, finally, depressed, obese, stressed out, I broke up with both of them. I couldn't take it anymore. For a week I moved back to my mothers, and said I didn't want to talk to any of them for a while. After a few days, I missed my Mistress like crazy. But when the boyfriend got in touch, all I felt was annoyed. So then I kind of knew.

(But of course I didn't break it up then, because that would have been sensible, and honest and such things. No, I went back home to my boyfriend, and faked it for another fourteen days, until he tried to have sex with me, I turned away, and he started crying. Then I said it. In the middle of the night. And then he threatened to kill himself, and I declared that if he did, I would do too, and dared him to do it. Yeah. Great night.)

So, I choose the girlfriend. That experience always make me wary when others, especially established couples, bring in new people. I think I always relate to my boyfriend, and how it ended up for him. When I choose, and left him, my guilt was endless. It was eating me up. I mean, he was the one I had choosen to live with, make a life with, be collared by. He was my Master, and by then I had lived in a 24/7-relationship with him for 3,5 years. Even during the two years when my Mistress was part of the picture, I was still submissive to him, I was still his. And then I left. And he said he couldn't live without me.

It was horrible. I moved to my Mistress tiny tiny flat in another town, and I think she more or less carried me for months. She got me in to bed and out of it, made me eat, and helped me get to school. Some days I felt so bad, all I could stand was to come to work with her, and sit in her office while she worked, like a dog, or maybe a child who was to sick for daycare. That competely depressed state lasted from February almost all the way to May. Then I realised I didn't know how he was feeling, that I couldn't take responsibility for his feelings, and that I couldn't stay with someone I wasn't happy with simply because that person said he loved me. And then the pain lessened a bit, and after that it got better.

That was... the spring of 2006. Eight years ago. In March that year my Mistress proposed to me. In August 2007 we got married. By then we had sold her tiny flat and bought a bigger one. Later on we got a dog, and in the fall of 2008 I got pregnant. Now we live in an even bigger flat, and our daughter is 2,5 years old.

As far as I know, the boyfriend has a good life. He was studying to be a doctor when we where together, he succeeded a couple of years after the break up, and has been working for some time now. I think he has a long distance thing with a submissive girl from the north of Sweden. I hope he's happy.

It's funny, it seems both so very long ago, and so very close. When I think about it, all the guilt and shame and anguish comes rushing back. But it was a long time ago. And now it's me and my Mistress, and I'm hers and hers alone, and she sees all of me and loves all of me, and I love her.

Mar 30, 2012

Not so normal, after all...

I've been hanging out on the "Owner&Property"-thread at Fetlife for a few days. The conversation there is interesting, and centers around things I can relate to. And then I saw a reference from one of the regulars to the fact that the rest of Fet refers to them as extreme and somewhat crazy.

So okey. When I've finally found some people I can relate to, who seems to live ordinary lives that in important aspect is similar to my own, they are the crazy people?? That can't be right, because I'm like them, and I'm not in any way extreme...

Yeah. Well. Or something.

Not that it matter what anonymous "other people" on Fetlife thinks, but what I realised is how much it is that I take for granted, how I belittle this thing that me and my Mistress do, how in lack of references I've been quietly assuming that we are on the vanilla side of the kinky spectrum. Especially since the baby made it harder to play rough, and made us much more mindful of how we spend our resources - it's not really practical to put me in a deep subspace that lasts for half a day, if that means I can't function as a mom (and to me, it does mean that). So, our play has lessened, our sex life is sporadic, and our power exchange is nowadays most of the time a comfortable and ingrained way of relating to each other. It is so so easy for me to take it for granted.

But. I don't have limits (although there's lot of limitations). There's no area or subject that isn't hers to control. I don't do anything new or outside the schedule without asking her permission. I rapport regularly every day what I do and where I am. I don't buy things without asking permission. I can't eat what I want. If I don't comply, she can and do punish me, as she sees fit. She controls me sexually in every detail, I can't touch myself alone, and I can't orgasm without permission, even during sex. She owns me, completely.

This has been true all along. It's just that I'm so used with it by now, I don't reflect about it being odd in any way. Doesn't all couple live like this? And I realise they don't, and remembered a time when we didn't either, and that there actually were limits in the beginning, there were areas that she couldn't control. And then they fell away, one by one, and now that's such a long time ago that I had almost forgot it. I'm not trying to say that it is extreme in any way, but that it's not as vanilla and as common as I sometimes think.

I'm glad I remembered. I makes me appreciate what we have now even more. I'm so happy and thankfull that she wants me, that she wants to own me, and that there's nothing in my life she doesn't want.

Mar 29, 2012


Obviously "it was very dark chocolate" does not mean it's not a sweet. My Mistress explained that to me this morning, when I confessed eating it, with the help of a riding crop. So ok, I get that now. That excuse is out.

"It was so small", "I only chewed on it, I didn't swallow" and "it was offered to me" is also out, for similar reasons. I wonder when I will stop deluding myself with this ridiculous excuses? And I also, nervously, wonder, where the punishment level may lay by then? It has been upped from one slap to two, and then to ten blows with the crop. I think it may be time for me to stop making excuses and start obeying.

Perhaps. If I could only remember it when people keep shoving candy in front om my face (or having it in vending machines and in coffee shop and and and...).