Things you do for your health...

I've had an amazing weekend, in all manners of ways. My head is a bit frazzled at the moment, so I'll settle for listing all the things I've done that has been very, very good for my to-high blood pressure. I'm going to the doc to have it re-checked on Tuesday, so this was all very important activities from a health perspective. (That's totally why we did them, I promise...)

1. Meditating on Power Animals and having a lovely visit from an imaginary badger, who promised me that it will all be al right.
2. Talking with my friend I. about important and non-important things and simply enjoying the company. 
3. Relaxing with my head in Mistress lap and being stroked and petted absent-mindedly while surrounded by beautiful human ponies with friends and trainers.
4. Being a pony for Mistress for the first time, with a lovely borrowed bridle and trotting and cantering for her in a paddock.
5. Getting a good whipping with our new riding crop.
6. And finally getting fucked well and good, with everything feeling just perfectly right and as it should be.

Getting what I need

I have a sleeping dog beside me. That always make sitting on the couch with the laptop even nicer than usual. I'm hungry and need coffee, however, so in a short while I'm going to disturb the peace.

I should be heading out by now, to see my thesis-colleague. But some things are much easier now than say a year ago. I got migraine or something similar yesterday, and gritted my teeth through the afternoon. When I finally got home, feeling sick and shaking with cold and with a headache that felt like something was trying to get out of my skull by sheer force, I could finally take some pills and go lay down. The pills helped quite nicely, but I felt weird all evening.

And when we were, eventually, curled up on the sofa together after little S had fallen asleep, I asked Mistress if I could meet a friend in the afternoon, after seeing with my colleague. And she looked at me with utter astonishment and said that I hadn't mention having made any dates, and that she had taken for granted that I would be at home resting after the migraine.

And do you know what I did? I said "yes, Mistress, you're right. I didn't think about that. I probably shouldn't go anywhere or do anything hard tomorrow. I'll text M. and tell her our meeting is cancelled." And then I did.

No angst. No anger. No drama. No "but I really really have to! We'll never make it otherwise! I'm sure I'm fine tomorrow and then I'll feel bad for ditching school when I feel okay!". None of that.

But now Mistress texted me with the word: "Coffee!" which means I should stop this and go take a cup and a sandwich.

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Well, that was about the whole story. I'm lounging about at home after having dropped litte S off later than usual at the pre-school. I have a small task to do for school, and nothing else. And I even get to go see my friend I. and have a latte with her down town, since luckily Mistress agreed with me that taking a bike ride in the sun down to the river and chatting with a friend probably does more good than harm when it comes to stress and stress symptoms.

There's no point in itself in sitting at home - the important thing for me is to no be exposed to situations that demands more concentration or executive functioning of me than I have the capacity to give.No noise, no crowd, no waiting, no decisions. Everything has to be calm and ordered and not demand anything in particular of me.

It feels so damn good to be allowed, and to allow myself, to listen to my body and my brain and take care of myself and not overdo it. To not force ahead at full speed no matter what and assume that it's perfectly normal to feel like shit all the time. It's not normal, it's not expected of me, and I don't have to do it. I can just sit her, on my couch, with my dog, and let my attention wander as it wants. It's exactly what I need right now.

Oh, and coffee of course!

Reflection over function

Today was a much better day than yesterday. We went on an outing, me and Mistress and little S and grandma and grandpa. We were outside almost all day, and I kept in the background and only interacted as much as I felt like, and slept in the car on the way home. I love that - to be able to come along and participate, but not have to strain myself and do more than what is really healthy for me.

A friend asked me the other day if I would always be like this, this tired and careful about noise and such. And I said that I didn't know, but that it was much better than six months ago, and that I think I'm still healing. Weird business, this brain thing. We don't have any pain receptors in the brain - unfortunately that doesn't mean it can't get hurt.

Of course I wish it would get all better. I have been in much better shape than this, I think. But I also think that the demands put upon a working/studying mother without a fortune in our society is something I'll always struggle with. There's always something to do, there's always demands, routines, people. Things that are supposed to be done at regular intervals, at an even pace. It's completely the wrong set of skills for me, and I don't think I'll eve be able to do them well.

So in a way I'll never get better. I'll never get well enough not to need special consideration, never well enough to be able to do everything people assume I'll do, to live up to this role I'm put in by giving birth to a baby and being born in this time and this place. I will, in that regard, always be a disappointment, a special case, a little less than others.

It makes me kind of sad and a bit afraid thinking about it.

But it makes me relieved to know and accept that this is so. The lifelong struggle of denial was much more agonising and frustrating. I don't have to judge myself by others yardstick any more. If I judge myself and what I can do in a more fair way, based on what I now know about my cognitive functions, then I'm both impressive and awesome.

I have a beautiful loving family. My wife loves me and wants me in her life forever. My daughter is pretty and talented and well behaved and funny and kind and seems to have a good life, and she loves us both and I'm pretty sure she knows she's loved, which is the most important thing.

Thanks to Mistress I have my drivers license. I live in a reasonably clean and comfortable home. We have a lovely dog that is well taken care of. And I'm about to finish a very taxing university program, and graduate as a psychologist in June.

And I have a handful of wise, warm, loving friends who knows me for who I really am, and who still likes me. My life is good. I'm good enough. And having all this, having accomplished all this, despite a brain that doesn't really work like other's do - that makes me not only good enough but absolutely awesome.

Christmas break

We actually had a good Christmas. I'm a bit surprised, because this celebrating with family while having a little one haven't been all that fun the last couple of years. She's been sick, or just to tired, and also we've been exhausted to the point that any deviation from routine or extra demands on us has felt like a chore and nothing but a chore. This year though, we planned with all this in mind, didn't travel anywhere and didn't really have any expectations. And now she's three, which means she understands a lot more and had a lot more fun.

We celebrate on Christmas Eve (we're Swedes, we do that here) and on Christmas Day the kid was so tired and out of sorts that when it was lunch time she was laying on the floor with her favourite blanket and pacifier in her mouth, and I fed her laying down. Eventually she agreed to sit on my lap, and after a few more bites she wanted to sit on her own. But she was really spent after the excitement the day before. And so was I for that matter, and my parents and relatives. Mistress too, and she stayed at home while I was away with the kid socialising. I'm glad I can do that now, that I'm better and can do more things.

I'm taking two weeks off from school now, it's not official holidays (students don't get Christmas breaks) but I'm taking one anyway. And there's no lectures or anything planned, I'm thinking everyone is on an unofficial break. With the pressure from school off of me, I can do more with the kid and in the home, and take a little of the load off from Mistress. That feels really good.

We even had sex on Christmas Eve, after little S had gone to sleep. Mistress whipped me and then she apparently got inspired, because she fucked me too. It felt so good, and also, like a really good omen. If we could hang out with my parents a whole day, and spending all the time with little S, and not get on each others nerves and even have the energy to have sex in the evening - then things must really be better for us.

I bought Mistress a knife as a private Christmas present. Now, Mistress is the only one I know who once went to a LARP and played a knife-salesmen without having to borrow extra knifes - she has a few already, one can say. She likes knifes. But most of them are for LARPing, that is they have wood handles and are beautiful but not very... edgy. Or they're working knife, with bright red plastic handles and no sex appeal at all. We've talked about knife play, discussing whether or not it would be something to try, and Mistress once told me that the only thing that kept her from bringing a knife into our play was that none of the once she owned looked right. So I gave her one.

It's heavy but rather small, a pocket knife with a black handle and a blackened blade. It looks evil, even though it's just an ordinary workman's knife basically. She liked it, and used it on me a little bit, but only by stroking my naked body with it.

I'm not quite sure what she's going to do with it. I don't think she's really interested in making me bleed, or at least not a lot. She likes me more or less whole. She whips me bloody every now and then, but it's very shallow. So my guess is that she'll keep it shallow with the knife too. I wouldn't mind if she did cut me, honestly I would probably really like it if she made pretty marks on me. But I don't think neither of us finds a lot of blood or big gaping holes appealing. And also, the ER is such a boring place to spend an evening.

Mostly, the whole concept is just erotic and sexy in a scary kind of way.   

My friend I. reacted a bit funny when I mentioned knife play the other day, she was very apprehensive. She has a rather more exciting sex life than I have, and is into a lot of edgy stuff, so getting advice about caution from her threw me a little. It made me think, too. What is there to be afraid of?

I mean, really, what should I worry about? I have such a hard time seeing that bringing a knife in to the picture ups the stakes all that much. Yes, if Mistress went completely crazy she could do more damage with a knife than say with the rattan, but honestly, if I was calculating our actions on the basis of her going crazy, I wouldn't be with her at all. I mean, I leave my kid with her, for God's sake. I let her tie me up and gag me, without any possibility to get lose. She does all sorts of things. She runs our lifes. And honestly, she has kitchen drawers full of stuff to harm me with, not to mention her tool kit, if she was so inclined.

We discussed it a little, and one of the things I. brought up was skill. Knowing what you're doing. And if I look at it from the perspective of a casual play partner or someone you don't know all that well, a knife wouldn't be my first choice either. It can go so very wrong so very fast. But Mistress... I know her. And also, she's a hunter. She's been butchering animals for the last 20 years. If it's down to pure skill in knife handling, knowing how to cut, how hard to push, how to handle the blade, she does have that competence. It has nothing to do with kinky play and everything to do with working with a knife as a tool.

Anything else that may matter? Well, anatomy to some degree. But that only matters if she blade cuts through more than skin. If drawing blood and causing pain is the thing, then maybe it might be a good idea to know not to do that on say the jugular, or the inside of the thighs. Stay away from joints, and nerves. The basics. But there's nothing in that that is special for knifes - don't cut deep where you wouldn't hit with a rattan, and avoid the arteries. It's not rocket science. (Even though Mistress says that's not a good saying any more - rocket science isn't all that complicated...)

No matter what Mistress decides to do, I love that she has two weeks off her job too. She desperately needed a break. I've been trying to get little S out of her hair as much as I can, so that she'll get some actual rest and recovery, and not just switch from working and taking care of kid to taking care of kid full time. Yesterday when we were gone for several hours, she said she'd started to miss us. I liked that. That means I'm doing something right.
 

A night out

Yesterday, I took my collar for a walk. That is, there was a meeting of poly folks at a nice pub down town and Mistress gave me permission to attend. I think she would very much have liked to come too, but someone had to stay home with little S, and in regards to who of us will most enjoy an outing mingling alone in a new social context, it's not even a competition. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have want to go alone, but I missed here there with me.

Mistress is an introvert, in that she needs to have energy to have any fun meeting people. When she does, she's funny and outgoing and a good conversationalist. But if she's not feeling her best, she doesn't want to meet people. I on the other hand need to meet people to feel my best. I get energy from things like yesterday. If I don't get to do it, I wilt.

The problem is that neither of us likes to be separated. I like to meet new people, but I prefer to have Mistress there with me. And Mistress likes me to meet new people, but want to be there with me or have me stay at home and keep her company if she doesn't feel like it. This wouldn't really be a problem if it wasn't for the fact that we're parents and more or less work shifts and rarely can do stuff together outside of the home. And that we're constantly exhausted, which makes the conditions needed for Mistress to feel sociable very rare.

So I'm glad I was allowed to go alone. Because I need things like this to feel happy and stay healthy. Depression is a bitch, and one of the ways for me to fight it is to laugh among friends and talk with other people. If I feel lonely or cut off or isolated, the dark and heavy thoughts take over.

I had a really good time. My friend I. was there, and well, basically all the people she has sex with, wants to have sex with or have had sex with. And around 25 other people, but I didn't talk to them. A good friend from my program at the university was there too, with her boyfriend and their two year old. I felt safe and appreciated and accepted. It was great to be able to meet people and really feel like myself.

Anyone who noticed my collar said something nice about it. My friend I. and another friend who I've known for ten years or so, D., got to read the back side of the tablet too, that felt special and a bit embarrassing, but not in a bad way. I declared that I would never ever read it out loud, after which D. claimed to be unable to read it at all and tried to cajole me into reading it out loud.

It turned out that even though I feel secure and safe and liked, I still get mouthy and uppity if anyone tries to dominate me or order me around. It's not that I don't like it. I do like it, actually. But I'm not sure if anyone would think I do, because I can't seem to help myself, I always have a witty comeback and a way of getting the upper hand. Or at least not allowing anyone else to get the upper hand. But at least it's nice when I don't feel threatened or afraid, when it's done in humour and when I know that it's not impossible that I would yield and that nothing bad would happen if I did.

I told I. and D. about the ceremony Mistress and me would like to have, to formally collar me in front of witnesses, and both seemed to understand the idea and said that they would be honoured to attend. That warmed my heart. I feel much more secure now in actually going through with it. It has felt a little daunting trying to explain to people what it is we're doing, and of course some part of me always worry that either no one will want to come, or that we'll be laughed at or misunderstood. But those fears are pretty much laid to rest now.

Before we always thought that we would do it at a kink-event, most probably at the girls only BDSM-club we go to sometimes. But now when I feel bolder, I've been thinking that maybe we should just do it here in our apartment. That has the advantage of us being able to set the date more freely, and also not have to hassle about our male friends. That's the biggest drawback to the club plan - that there's a handful of guys that we would probably want to have on the guest list.

Aaaah! Guest list! Now I'm getting all nervous....

Me and my persona

I went my friend I.s place yesterday, she and her room mate had a house warming party, about four months after moving in together. My friend I. used to live there with her husband/Master, and kept the apartment after their divorce went through this spring.

He was there, actually, and so was a lot of people. Friends of I. and friends of her room mate. My friend I. has been hanging with a lot of poly folks for a while now, and BDSM people of course. Some where from that crowd, others were other acquaintances, some LARPers and a bunch of people I didn't know anything about.

It was a good party, and I enjoyed it, but I found myself spacing out now and then, even in the middle of conversations. It was like my energy level was to low or something. It was a crowded place, the volume was high and I think all the stimuli overwhelmed me a little.

It was also very strange to be there without Mistress. I talked to a friend about that, I joked that I hadn't been to a party without Mistress for the last ten years, but now that I think about it, I think it's an accurate description. The easy explanation is that we prefer to do things together, which is perfectly true.

But also, that we don't like to do things apart. If she'd been there, I could have taken a rest in her presence. Merely her being there would have made it easier for me, easier to sift through the crowd to the people I really liked to talk to, easier to sit tight and wait and not necessarily mingle every second, easier to have someone to focus on to make the noise and the chaos less distracting. I could have buried my face in her lap or her arms for a short spell and then continued to party with new found energy.

And when I got home she was completely awake and waiting for me in bed, even though it was late. Because she has trouble going to sleep without me. It's not that she mind that I'm doing fun stuff and she's not there - but I do think she mind going to bed without me there to cuddle with.

Another thing happened too, at the party. A guy there, slightly younger than me, tall, with his head shaved in a funny pattern, deliberately pushed all my submissive buttons. I can't describe it in any other way. When he introduced himself to me, he gave me his name, took my hand, stared down in to my eyes and said "But you can call me Master... I think." Such a cheesy line, such a stupid thing to say. But combined with the eye contact and his general charisma, sure, it worked. He got to me.

When I was younger, I was deadly afraid of anyone finding that button. I had a more or less rational fear of being made a fool of, of being taking advantage of, of being pushed in to do something embarrassing. Most of all I think I was afraid that some charismatic girl or guy would come along, make me submit, not want me and laugh at me. It was not a fear of being raped or used, but a fear of losing face, of revealing my true self and then being shunned and mocked.

So I put up a very brave, very strong and very tiresome façade. I don't think that many who met me at that time would have pegged me as submissive. I fought that side of me tooth and nail.

Later on, I admitted my submissive side, entered into a power exchange relationship, went to clubs and admitted the truth to a few select friends. But I was still very careful about my public persona, and I didn't let my guard down in public.

Nowadays it's a very deliberate process for me to let that guard down. I feel so much better and more whole and authentic if that side of me is mirrored in others behaviour towards me. I don't want to come through as strong, capable, self-sufficient any more. I'm happy if I can relax enough for my submissive side to shine through, if that part of me can be seen and validated.

So in a way I have opened up for the possibility of people doing what that guy did yesterday. It can be interpreted as a sign that I'm making progress in the process of being less guarded, less safe, less off-putting. That's a good thing, mostly. And I'm proud of myself that I'm not thinking "oh no, oh no, I have to change and put the guard up again immediately!". I'm not thinking that. If getting hit on in cheesy and not-so-subtle-ways by people with a dominant leaning is the price I have to pay, I consider that a bargain.

But it was unsettling. It was a bit fascinating to realise that the thing I've always feared could come true - some random guy could walk up to me, stare me down and have me yield to him. Because that was exactly what happened.

He didn't have much to show for his trouble, though. The only thing that happened was that I avoided him like the plague the rest of the evening. In the beginning he tried to talk to me a little, I answered politely but without eye-contact, and then I stayed clear of him. Whenever I looked around the room his eyes were on me, and that was really unsettling, but he laid off after a while.

I asked my friend I. about it, about what his deal was and she answered along the lines of "he does that to everyone, he's super-flirty and doesn't always know when to stop" and that made me feel better. More like he was simply doing his usual pick up-thing, than that he was interested in me as such. And I really didn't want him to be especially interested in me - the domination aspect aside, he really wasn't my type.

I actually like to be allowed to feel submissive, to be dominated by other people. That's the thing, I've realised that I appreciate being seen in that light. And, as I've always suspected, I am rather easy in that respect. But. I don't like being hit on and being demanded things from strangers, who hasn't yet found the way into my "good person" category. The rule is: First you show yourself as a sane, nice person with a winning personality, and then  you start to boss me around in a light, caring way. And then you lay off and do not demand titles from me, or anything else from me, before checking with my Owner first (no one has ever done that, I'm not sure how that would be done in real life actually. But I would love for someone to try it. I bet Mistress would agree to almost anything just for the fun in seeing me go beet-red and want to run and hide out of sheer embarrassment).

I missed Mistress there. If she'd been with me, he wouldn't have done that, and if he had, I could have taken comfort with her. I think the being owned-part is a big part of why I dare to let my guard down more often now. I'm owned. No one is going to take me away or make me do things I don't want to or make me lose control, because that control is handed over to another. It doesn't matter how dominant or persuasive or charismatic someone else is, because I'm already taken.

I have a leash, and even though it allows me to submit if that is what I'm comfortable doing, it will be yanked the moment Mistress doesn't like what's going in. That's my safety net. That's my guard now. I don't have to show how big and strong and capable I am to keep myself safe - I can be weak and yielding and submissive, and trust that she protects me.

And if I look at the events yesterday, it did work. Yes that guy pushed my buttons, and he did manage to show himself dominant over me. Then I ignored him for the rest of the evening and had a good time talking with my friends. So even when something like that does happen, it doesn't have to be a problem besides me feeling uncomfortable for a while, and I really don't have to fear it. That's good to know.

A good talk

Yesterday, as Mistress was tying me to the bed we discussed the appropriateness of me getting a massage and being slightly dominated by anyone else than her. And I get her point, which was "this sounds very much like when you and I started to fall in love."

And it does, in a way. Because it is what I do with friends I really like, when I finally let the guards down and dares to let someone in. I get all cuddly and a tad submissive. In Mistress case, it happened to be with my soulmate, my life-partner, the one who eventually came to own me and who I have given myself to completely. That doesn't mean that is destined to happen with any one I get close to or like, or for that matter cuddle with.

And I don't think she thinks that either. But I do thinks there's a sense of karma here, a sense of "how do I know it wont happen to me like it happened to him". Him, in this case, being my ex. Our ex. The boyfriend we shared (kinda) for two-and-a-half-year. I did leave him, eventually, and I did end up with her, and for a while there they were involved in a sort of tug-of-war over me, that was excruciating for all people involved.

I guess the most calming response would have been something along the lines of "How can you even think I would ever want anything to do with anyone but you?". And I did give that, in a way. She is my true love. And no matter any possible feelings for anyone else, I belong to her. I obey her, and I follow her, and she gets to decide what I do with anyone else, no matter the content of the relationship. I have no intention of ever leaving her - on the contrary, I don't think I would be capable even if I in some weird alternate universe would want to.

But I could easily picture having sex with someone else. Doing it by myself, purely on a whim or an infatuation, I can imagine, but I have to admit that the idea is immediately followed with feelings of dread and thoughts of her being hurt and of how it would eventually be extremely complicated (and this is even though this fantasy requires her consent - I can't imagine doing anything without that (literary, I can't. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true. Disobedience and deceit is not my thing)).

Most of my thoughts regarding poly or sharing involves her, of her lending me to someone else (that would be hot!) or her being with someone other than me (also hot, though a little more disturbing). Or of me being used or forced to submit in front of people, or with other people. But all these thoughts has her as the centre, as the driving force. Me alone going out and hooking up with someone else? Not so much.

And still I like cuddles. I like to be close. I like to be handled by others. In short, in safe and loving company, I like to feel that I'm appreciated, I like hugs and cuddles, and I like to be seen and treated as the person I am. Which more resembles a happy labrador than a grown-up professional. The labrador part of me, the submissive, happy, touchy-feely, vulnerable, non-thinking part, doesn't get out much, as opposed to the competent grown-up part, so when the occasion arise I get happy tingly feelings.

Eventually, she laid down the rules: I get to cuddle as much as I want, and have anyone do whatever to me, (as long as it feels good to me and doesn't hurt anyone, I assume was taken for granted in this) but I'm not allowed to let anyone turn me on without her present. That, actually, felt like a very clear cut rule to me, with the great aspect of me monitoring my own feelings and experience, and not making me responsible for others feelings and behaviours. If I'm not turned on, and someone does something inappropriate, I wont like it and remove myself. If I am turned on, I can notice that and remove myself before anyone does anything inappropriate.

And I still don't have to walk on eggshells, constantly wondering if what I do is okay or not, or if I'm doing something she wouldn't like.

When we had finished talking I was tied up and told to lie still, and she sat down at her computer and worked for an hour or so. I don't really know, because I fell asleep. When I woke up it was time for lunch, and while the water for the pasta was starting to boil, she fucked me senseless. Then we had tortellini.

Not a very good plan

When Mistress met me and little S outside the pre-school after work and she asked how I was I had to admit to feeling like crap. A lot of angst, very tired. This made me ashamed, because I had a vague sense of guilt about it. “Is that why you didn’t text me?” she asked and I denied it.

On the way home I realized she was right (of course). I didn’t text her when I’d dropped off little S in the morning, nor did I when I left home in the afternoon to go get her. Both corresponding to times when I felt wiped and angsty, probably forgetting to text because I was dissociating and simply going through the basic motions of getting were I was supposed to go – with no energy left to direct outward.

And that’s not ok. If something is that hard for me to do that I can’t even text Mistress, then I shouldn’t do it. I most definitely should text Mistress, or call her, and ask for help.

Since I didn’t, I continued to have a too high tempo that day. I went to my friend I. a bit late, because I had a hard time getting off the couch, and then I stayed there longer than I’d planned, because I was exhausted. And also because I ended up with my head in her lap while she was massaging my head with a funny wirey head-massage-tingy. It was cuddly and a bit dominant of her, and very very relaxing for me, and definitely one of the best parts of the entire day.

But when I left, it was lunch time, I was still really tired, and again, I should have called Mistress. But I didn’t, I texted her and told her I was getting lunch and doing some shopping that was pre-planned, and didn’t mentioned the parts of feeling exhausted and confused. 

I did get lunch at a crowded sandwich-place and found what I was looking for, but when I finally got home my mind was all over the place, and I still had studying to do. Which I did, and then went to get little S and couldn’t understand why I was feeling so bad. 

I texted Mistress that she was right and about my day, a short version, and when I’d finally gotten little S to sleep at night I went to her and kneeled and apologized. We backtracked the whole thing, and while talking I realized that the real problem actually wasn’t that day at all, but the day before. When I asked my friend I. about lunch and she preferred earlier, and I didn’t think twice about it.

I should have thought twice. It’s one thing booking in a lunch, it’s always good for me to have company then, but it’s another thing to make a plan that involves me being out of the home and in company for the whole day. When it didn’t go as I thought, I should have asked Mistress. Instead I decided, presented it for Mistress as a done deal, and refrained from getting in touch during the day.

I’m horrible at time management. Unfortunately, I’m great at selling in ideas an presenting things in a way that makes Mistress semi-accept them at first glance. It always comes back and bites me in the ass in the end, and it’s not an acceptable behavior from me towards Mistress.

In short, I screwed up. Not by being angsty, and not by wanting to meet with a friend, but by trying to manipulate Mistress and not asking for her input in my plans. That’s a real screw up.

We were cuddling on the sofa the whole time we discussed this, my head on her chest, and now and then during the talk she slapped my face as the more damning aspects of my actions came up.  But in the end, when all was said and done, I asked her for punishment. “Haven’t I already done that?” she asked, and stroked my cheek with the palm of her hand. “Obviously not enough” she concluded, and looked me in the eyes while she lifted her hand up and delivered a stinging slap to my face. For a moment my head was ringing and the world turned around a little.

 

And then everything was well in the world again.

On poly and labels and other things

My dear and also newly divorced friend I. has found a new... well, not boyfriend, because he don't believe in labeling relationships, but that's what I would call it. Hook-up is what they use, but they are very lovey-dovey and always together and fantasize about their future children, so I'm thinking it's a romantic relationship whatever he wants to call it.

Either way, he's poly and a relationship anarcist, with two steady long term other girls, a boy he flirts with and a gang of gay men he hangs out with and presumably fucks when the mood so takes them. Understandably, she's pondering where she fits in to this matrix, and is trying to orientate herself and find her own values and opinions after being married and also submissive in a 24/7 D/s relationship for ten years. They're happy, but it's a bit complicated.

So we've been discussing relationships and needs and labels and values a lot lately, or at least whenever we've had a chance to see each other for a minute. And it's been really interesting for me to figure out my own opinions, regarding my own life (they, of course, do what suits them, I don't meddle in that).

When I was together with my ex-boyfriend, submitting to him, and realised that me and Mistress was in love, that was a potential disaster. We kept our feelings hidden, for ourselves and each other, for a long time because of that. It all came out because of a LARP, actually, were we played characters married to each other in a poly family, it was a SF setting, featuring a society where every marriage was with four people (there was also a 18-hour day, everyone living in biosphere thousands of years in the future on a different planet, and well, it was that kind of story). When we made the decision to try to form a poly-tryad, I think that experience influenced a lot. That, and the longing for a pack, a flock, a family.

That experiment lasted for two years, of which at least one and a half was very very bad. My ex, then my Master, also had the right/privilege to sleep with others, which he did one time towards the end, and I resented it deeply (no matter that I regularly slept with another woman...). Ours was not a healthy dynamic, and my personal experiences with poly is not happy ones.

Even so, when me and Mistress moved in together, and eventually got married, we didn't declare monogamy as the rule. Partly I think because that would be unnecessary limiting. And also, I don't know, it just doesn't feel right. It's not a traditional marriage, since we're both women it couldn't be even if we wanted it to, so we can decide for ourselves. Since we're out of the norm anyway, being O/p and lesbians, everything becomes a choice, and we haven't actively chosen monogamy as a guiding principle.

But what separates us from my friend I. and her new... whatever, is that the decisions regarding sex is entirely onesided. I'm not sure Mistress will be my only sex partner for the rest of my life. In fact, I hope she wont be. But what happens in that regard is up to her, completely. I don't get a say in the matter, and the point is that I don't want to. Thats my desire, that's my lifestyle, that's my choice. I hope she wont be my only sex partner, because I hope she'll someday execute that right and let someone else use me. I don't really have much of a preference about whom, I just want her to use me that way. The same way I want her to whip me or fuck me or hurt me or choke me or anything else she does.

If she want to have sex with someone else that's her right to. If she does it without me, simply because someone else turns her on, I think I'll probably feel a bit insecure and threatened and worry a bit and perhaps be jealous, but I'll also revel in the fact that she's using her rights as my Owner to live a happy and fullfilled life, and I want to believe it would work out alright in the end. If she does it with me present, to make a point or to teach me something or to involve me in a play with multiple partners, I would most probably love it, without worry.

All in all, we end up somewhere between poly and traditional, monogamish as it were. For now, it's only us, and I would be very surprised if we ever move away from the two of us being primary partners, but I wouldn't be surprised if somewhere along the way someone else got involved in one way or another. But the important driving principle is that whatever happens, it's her decision. It's kind of on another axle than the whole poly/monogamy-discussion.

It will be interesting to see where they land, my friend I. and her new one. I think she's fine with the sharing and the poly bit, but I don't think that she'll accept the "no labels" part of the philosophy - it's kind of hard when you've been and owned submissive for ten years, I think. What would we do without our labels?