Apr 19, 2018

Everything the same, everything different

She lived and two weeks later we were allowed to go home to her big sister and try to be a family again. That was almost ten months ago now. She was tiny, so tiny and fragile.

She's big now. A big healthy baby. We're a family again. But the world has changed.

Mar 19, 2018

The longest seconds

I think there where twelve people in the room for the c-section, not counting Mistress and myself. I have no idea what most of them were there for. I think they all introduced themselves, or a lot of them, but I couldn't really sort the information. It wasn't anything I could do anything about one way or the other anyway.

I remember being really scared before the aenastethics, I was afraid it would hurt when they drove a needle into my spine. It did but not at all as much as I feared.

And then they cut me open and pushed my baby out. It took a lot longer than it sounds like and all I could do was lying still and looking up into the bright light in the ceiling and not have any feeling below ny belly button.

The seconds of silence that stretched out when they had gotten the baby out of me and she was quiet went on for at least an eternity. Maybe two. And then she screamed, an angry little wailing sound, and it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. She lived.

Mar 15, 2018

Again she made it

And then a week later they suddenly decided they had to do that c-section. And she wasn't there. She was at work I think. Far away from me. Little S was at school. And I was in a hospital bed hours away in a strange city.

In the end they could postpone the operation to the afternoon and she made it in time. I didn't have to be alone when I found out if my baby would live or die.

Mar 14, 2018

She made it

One of the hardest times was when I thought I was going to die alone.

I was stable you see and no one seemed to worry about me just then. I just couldn't leave the hospital. And little S had been picked up from school by my dad and didn't know what was going on but we had promised her we would come home "tonight". This was before we stopped making promises, before we learned we would just have to break them. So Mistress left and started to drive home at ten in the evening.

Shortly after that the pain started. It made me puke. I thought my head was going to split in two. They gave me morphin but it didn't help. I texted her: Pain. Throwing up. Turn around and come back.

She did but she was almost all the way home by then, at least 45 minutes from me. And I really really thought I was going to die on that bed, surrounded by strangers prodding and poking me, while she was driving through the night to reach me.

I didn't, obviously. And they didn’t even had to do an emergency c-section. She came and she held my hand and her just being there made the terror sink away. Because then at least I wouldn't die alone.