Guilt by association

Mistress got a package today, the key ring to the collar from wyredslave that she'd bought. She promptly lost one of the keys, and they didn't include the ordered key on a keyring, so now it came in a special delivery. I'm sitting right now with the collar on, and it feels so good. I love it.

In the package there were also some gifts, postcards with quotes on, and a calendar that was a refrigerator magnet. It wont be going on our fridge though I wish it could, but one of the quotes read something like "it's the submissive who shows to others what type of persons owns them". That made me think of the workshop, and wonder how people perceive me in these circles, and how that reflects on Mistress.

I do know that I stand out a bit. Not that I look odd or anything, I have a feeling I look very very normal - a jeans and sweaters thirty-something mom, long brown hair in ponytail, a little on the plump side, cute-ish but not remarkable, no make up, no fancy shoes or jewellery. A bit plain, even. But in any kind of group discussions, I'm always one of those four or five people that talks. I always raise my hand, and I always have something to say.

I really do try to not be one of those that people roll their eyes at, I strive to be short and succinct and to keep my points relevant to the discussion. I often share something personal or some reflection or another, I'm not usually debating or arguing. But being in the discussion, participating, voicing thoughts and opinions, is what makes it interesting for me. What makes it relevant. I can sit still and just listen for two hours, but I wont remember a thing, and I would be dead tired. It's so much easier for me if I participate.

I did say some good things, I think. I made people laugh, twice. And in the break and afterwards, I had some great, although, short, talks with a handful of people afterwards, that I really liked and wish to talk to again.

But I wonder how I came off to others? And I wonder what impression people get of Mistress, through me? I'm really curious, but I guess I'll never know.

A night out

Yesterday, I took my collar for a walk. That is, there was a meeting of poly folks at a nice pub down town and Mistress gave me permission to attend. I think she would very much have liked to come too, but someone had to stay home with little S, and in regards to who of us will most enjoy an outing mingling alone in a new social context, it's not even a competition. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have want to go alone, but I missed here there with me.

Mistress is an introvert, in that she needs to have energy to have any fun meeting people. When she does, she's funny and outgoing and a good conversationalist. But if she's not feeling her best, she doesn't want to meet people. I on the other hand need to meet people to feel my best. I get energy from things like yesterday. If I don't get to do it, I wilt.

The problem is that neither of us likes to be separated. I like to meet new people, but I prefer to have Mistress there with me. And Mistress likes me to meet new people, but want to be there with me or have me stay at home and keep her company if she doesn't feel like it. This wouldn't really be a problem if it wasn't for the fact that we're parents and more or less work shifts and rarely can do stuff together outside of the home. And that we're constantly exhausted, which makes the conditions needed for Mistress to feel sociable very rare.

So I'm glad I was allowed to go alone. Because I need things like this to feel happy and stay healthy. Depression is a bitch, and one of the ways for me to fight it is to laugh among friends and talk with other people. If I feel lonely or cut off or isolated, the dark and heavy thoughts take over.

I had a really good time. My friend I. was there, and well, basically all the people she has sex with, wants to have sex with or have had sex with. And around 25 other people, but I didn't talk to them. A good friend from my program at the university was there too, with her boyfriend and their two year old. I felt safe and appreciated and accepted. It was great to be able to meet people and really feel like myself.

Anyone who noticed my collar said something nice about it. My friend I. and another friend who I've known for ten years or so, D., got to read the back side of the tablet too, that felt special and a bit embarrassing, but not in a bad way. I declared that I would never ever read it out loud, after which D. claimed to be unable to read it at all and tried to cajole me into reading it out loud.

It turned out that even though I feel secure and safe and liked, I still get mouthy and uppity if anyone tries to dominate me or order me around. It's not that I don't like it. I do like it, actually. But I'm not sure if anyone would think I do, because I can't seem to help myself, I always have a witty comeback and a way of getting the upper hand. Or at least not allowing anyone else to get the upper hand. But at least it's nice when I don't feel threatened or afraid, when it's done in humour and when I know that it's not impossible that I would yield and that nothing bad would happen if I did.

I told I. and D. about the ceremony Mistress and me would like to have, to formally collar me in front of witnesses, and both seemed to understand the idea and said that they would be honoured to attend. That warmed my heart. I feel much more secure now in actually going through with it. It has felt a little daunting trying to explain to people what it is we're doing, and of course some part of me always worry that either no one will want to come, or that we'll be laughed at or misunderstood. But those fears are pretty much laid to rest now.

Before we always thought that we would do it at a kink-event, most probably at the girls only BDSM-club we go to sometimes. But now when I feel bolder, I've been thinking that maybe we should just do it here in our apartment. That has the advantage of us being able to set the date more freely, and also not have to hassle about our male friends. That's the biggest drawback to the club plan - that there's a handful of guys that we would probably want to have on the guest list.

Aaaah! Guest list! Now I'm getting all nervous....

Party!

It's Stockholm Pride this week, and even though we haven't got the money or the energy to do it all week, we went to a party yesterday. Or rather, mother-in-law arrived in the morning, and we took off in the car before lunch, and arrived in time for an interesting seminar on BDSM and the law, held by a professor at Stockholm University. There we hooked up with some friends, and were invited to a pre-party were we ate sushi and talked before going to the actually club.

I loved it. We spent some time alone too, just drinking the at a café and looking through a book store.

But today my fever was back and I have been exhausted all day. It was so worth it - and hopefully Mistress feels the same way, even though she was landed with little S all day more or less by her self. I'm not well yet, apparently. But sitting home alone every day doing nothing fun wont make me better either.

Belated Valentines (and about sleep)

Soon, very soon, it's time for our daily bath with little S, the baby. After the bath I nurse her, and then she wants to go down to grandma. That's their thing, for a very long time now every night has been spent with grandma and grandpa when we're visiting. They give her a bottle, and put her to bed when she gets sleepy. And we, the tired mothers, get a few hours alone.

Earlier, when she was an infant and nursed the whole night, grandma brought her upstairs to us the first time she woke to feed, usually at about ten. And after that, I slept with her and my Owner slept in an other room. Not so fun. I like sleeping with my baby. But I like sleeping with my Owner more - not the least because she doesn't kick me all the time. Or wake up every two hours to suck at my breasts...

Nowadays we don't nurse during the night, and she sleeps more or less the whole night in her own crib. It's almost hard to believe, considering that she was practically glued on to one of us the first six month of her life, and even after that woke every two hours and cried 'til she was rocked to sleep. For about one more year... That's when the sleeplessness came in to play. Turns out eight hours nervous sleep every 48 hours isn't enough for either my Owner nor me. Go figure.

Anyway.

Since a couple of months ago little S sleeps okay, and tonight like every night she'll do it downstairs. And me and Mistress are going to celebrate Valentines Day, a little belated. Originally we planned to go out for drinks, but it's so cold that it doesn't feel very tempting. We changed our plans, and now we're going on a date at home instead. With a bottle of bubbly wine, shrimps and garlic bread. We'll probably even dress up (but I think I'll skip on the shoe part) and light some candles. And be alone. And talk like grown ups. And, actually, get drunk. At least a little drunk.

I'm looking forward to it.

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Celebrating by ourselves


In the end we skipped the dining out part, and hade bubbles and shrimp at home all by ourselves. It was great.