Waiting game

When it's Friday night. And we have beer and cheese doodles, and the kid is asleep downstairs with grandma. And Mistress decides she wants to work for a little while, and we agree to quit working at eight and then cuddle on the sofa and have our beers.

And she works and works and works and I go take a shower. And wait. And turn on the telly. And it's eight thirty and she says "I'm almost done". Is this when I'm supposed to be a submissive, obedient, humble slave-type and meekly say "Yes Mistress" and be nice about it when she finally arrives, and not make a fuss and be grumpy all evening? It is, isn't it? Damn.

Get on your knees and apologise - how hard can it be?

Ok, new rule. (I might need to write all the rules down someday, or maybe Mistress will order me to do it before I get around to it. Or maybe rules we both forget wasn't that important to begin with?). Anyway, new rule: when Mistress criticise me, or seem to criticise me, or I think she's implying some kind of criticism in something else she's saying, or I'm afraid she's going to criticise me in her next sentence, or something she does might be construed as criticism; I'm not allowed to run away, or immediately start defending myself in ugly, disrespectful ways.

Imagine that, huh?

As might be implied from the previous paragraph, I have issues with criticism (did you notice that?). I'm deadly afraid of it. Any kind of verbal correction makes me break out in cold sweats.This isn't only with Mistress, it's in any and all situations were any kind of achievement is called for. For the longest time, I didn't get involved in any activities were my absolute success wasn't guaranteed. This whole thing about working for your goals, improving with time, failing and trying again - not my thing. Success right away, seemingly without having to make an effort, or the potential prize loses all meaning and all I get out of process is shame and humiliation. Or so I thought.

I'm better at it now - a big milestone was when Mistress made me get into the car again after failing my first try at the driving exam. I did eventually get my drivers license, thanks to her, and as a matter of fact I flunked the exam twice and only passed on the third try. That was the first time I'd tried to do something difficult that was important to me, were I ran a real risk of failing.

So ok, I can do it. But in the everyday life of small things, Mistress not being pleased with me in any way (the smaller the worse, actually) is the dread of my existence. And since I'm rather disorganised, and grew up in a very disorganised home somewhat neglected and under a bit of chaotic circumstances, and she's very keen on control and order, she in fact quite often have reasons to be displeased with me.

I lose stuff. I forget stuff. I forget to do stuff. I remember important facts (like "I have to be in school super-early tomorrow, is it ok if you take the later bus to work and drop off little S at pre-school?") at the last minute, so that she has to rearrange her schedule to suit mine. I decide things over her head with friends and family and only tells her after the fact. I, again, lose stuff. A lot. And so on and so forth. Her strengths are my weaknesses.

And I think she wouldn't mind all that much, if I could stand her showing her displeasure. But I can't. I totally freak out. The merest whisper of a hint of a suggested complaint, and I go through the roof. I'm supersuperhurt and very very offended, and make sure the conversation very soon centers around her shortcomings, rather than mine.

As if I, somehow, could avert her irritation with me by denying and diversion. As if there's some watching, judging God in the room, whom I have to convince of my innocence and infallibility, and who, if convinced, then will make her irritation go away, by divine intervention. As if I can make her forget and see everything differently by shouting at her and claiming to have done nothing wrong.

Because that always works so well...

But no more. I can't do that anymore. Because she said so. And here's the kicker. Since she said so, since it's now an order from her, I really think I can change my ways. I've been trying to avert a great disaster, the disaster of her actually realising what a terrible, hopeless person I am, by all my smokescreens and big, dramatic scenes of anxiety and anger. She's suffered from it, and of course in any rational frame of mind I realise it's not contributing to anything, but the fear has made me do it, and the mere fact that she doesn't like it hasn't made me stop. But her orders will, I think.

The next time I feel horribly accused and unjustly treated, in desperate need of vindication, I'm supposed to go on my knees, or if that's not possible or appropriate at least take a position below her, and say something along the lines of: "It feels as if you're displeased with me, Mistress? Have I done something wrong?". She promises to take care of me, even if doing this as I fear will lead to a complete mental breakdown on my part. And honestly, I can't very well break any further down than I already do, and even if I do, I will most probably not be as obnoxious as I am while trying not to break down.

From now on, I'll simply go on and break down and let the disaster happen and let the chips fall were they may. She has ordered me so, and she has said that she'll deal with it and take care of me. That makes everything alright.

(In my head, I know I've behaved idiotic before, and that this would be a big improvement. In my heart, I'm deadly afraid and convinced she'll finally see right through me and deem me unworthy, if I dispense with the defence and the smokescreens. It's not that I believe my head over my heart - it's just that on her order, I'll take any chances and risk anything. This too.)

A bumpy road

I read an interesting text on Fetlife a few days ago, and showed it to my Owner who also liked it. It was about abused and emotionally scarred dominants, and how that can play out in a relationship. A lot of the discussion about emotional problems centers around abused submissives, and how they are to be treated and what is expected of them. If the question is ever lifted regarding dominants, it tends to be simplified into "a dominant must be stable and healthy, otherwise the relationship is abusive" and be left at that.

In many ways, that of course is true. If either party in an intense relationship is severely unstable it will be very detrimental to all parties and the relationship as a whole. And my personal belief is that it is more damaging with the same amount of "trouble" if the troubled one is the dominant part, as in the one holding the whip, holding the money, making all the decisions. (That's not to say a submissive partner with serious issues can't make some real damage too.)

But the thing is, it's a continuum. Everybody has issues (as everybody knows) and how messed about is it ok to be as a dominant? Is nothing but perfect good enough? Because then we're in trouble. I guess I might be hanging with a fairly messed up crowd (like attracts like?), but of the five dominant persons I know more intimately (one of them my ex) four I know for sure has some sort of emotionall problem (anxiety, depression) and/or a bad childhood. That's no different from the submissives I know, or the vanilla people I know, it's par for the course in my social circles. But that's my point. Dominants are no different in that regard.

And neither is my Owner. She's not always emotionally stable, and not alwasy rational from my point of view. I can't trust her to handle every crisis with a clear and cold head. I can't expect her to always give me the benefit of the doubt, to be fair and reasonable, to always excercise good judgement. She often doesn't calm me when I'm uspet, or diffuse intense situations, or see things in proportion.

Rather the opposite, actually - she sometimes seriously freak out. She has scared me, in the past, I have been physically afraid of her because of her temper, and not in a sexy way. I've actually only ones for real believed she was going to strike me in anger (a long time ago) but that one time still happened, and is still a part of our history together. Since then, the only things she's been violent towards is herself and stuff, but to me, that's bad enough.

I really really don't like it. She knows that, of course. She doesn't like it either, and she's worked very hard over the years to overcome it. And succesfully, too - it's much, much better. Not enough better, however, for me not to get a stomach ache every time she's in a bad mood. (We are a poor match in that regard, though, since my history on the other hand has made me almost affect phobic, in the beginning unable to cope with any kind of outward signs of anger from anyone, including me. I've worked on that too.)

My point though, is that I belong to her. Unconditionally. I'm hers, not in spite of her problems, certainly not because of them, but totally regardless of them. I'm hers, and however much I sometimes wish I wasn't, sometimes wish that my ultimatums "never again or I wont stand it" had some sort of real meaning, I know they don't. They just don't. I can't not submit to her as long as I'm in her life, and I can't stand the thought of not being in her life.

Submitting to her is my way of loving. It's how I'm wired, it's how I want to be towards the person I love, it's my way of expressing myself. Any other way, and I would be maiming myself. We talked about that, and she confirmed something I hoped for, and have begun to believe, namely that she feels the same way. Owning me is her way of expressing love, and not doing it would not be really possible.

Personally I think she would have liked to express this level of control in her previous relationships too, only the partners didn't function like I do. For me, that's a happy thought, because one of my fears, one of my trust issues, is that I was the one who initiated the BDSM-aspect of our relationship, I was the one who said "I function like this, this has to be in or I'm out", and it's been very easy for me to sometimes convince myself that it's really only me that wants it. That she's owning me to humour me and placate me, catering to my needs, not because she wants it herself. I don't really believe that anymore, though, not even in our darkest moments. I genuinely believe this is how she ticks too.

Again, what point am I making? Maybe that it was nice to read something that indicated another solution than "get the fuck out" if the dominant is something besides totally emotionally stable. That there are ways of making it work, and not necessary a recipe for disaster. I felt validated in that regard, for the first time ever, perhaps.

For me, my Owner is my soulmate. She's my best friend, the center of my life, my teammate, my missing half. I'm Robin to her Batman. She really is. I know it sounds corny, and so I don't often say it, but that's the way it is. That people were jerks to her when she was a little girl and destroyed stuff for her - well, that makes me want to go and piss on their graves. For real. I'll do it someday. It doesn't, however, makes me love her one bit less.

And my love is expressed as submission, as wanting to belong to her body and soul, as never saying no and never refusing, as obeying and deferring to her. That's true no matter what. It's no less true simply because the road is bumpy sometimes.

Good enough?

On a completely different note, I've been thinking about "service" and about "the Masters needs go first" even though in this case of course it's Mistress. It's all Fetlifes fault. Other peoples ideas, seeping in to my own.

I usually read about stuff like that, shrug and think "well that's not me, or maybe I'm simply bad at it". My first reaction is that no, I don't put Mistress' needs before my own.

And then I contemplated it a bit more, and realised that yes, of course I do. To the best of my ability. But my ability is so far below my own idea of what standard I should live up to, that in my eyes it doesn't even count.

I definitely "put her needs first" in so far that her happiness is necessary for my happiness. If I know a way to please her, I do it. I think my contentment and safety and well-being is necessary for her happiness in equal regard, there's really not much imbalance there.

But often, I don't know a way, or am not able to fulfill it. I'm often tired, and overwhelmed. She's not always that clear about her preferences. Or her preferences is for me to do things for myself, to rest or do something I like. And sometimes, I make sure I do things like that, because otherwise I literary break down.

I have a bad back that's bothering me a bit, and when I stand a lot, it hurts, intensely. It's some sort of nerv damage, one of many side effects of pregnancy. I try to get to the gym a lot and exercise in order to get rid of the problem, but it means both that I have to rest from time to time, even when it's inconvenient (right now, for example - I would much rather dust our living room, but it's wiser for me to sit on the sofa), and also to be at the gym rather than studying or cleaning for example.

This winter, from November and on, I've been sick a lot more than I've been healthy. Two bouts of the flu, both followed by bacteria, the first one giving me pneumonia and the other one sinusitis. I've been eating penicillin for the first time in my adult life, twice in four months. One or two bouts of stomach disease, and a whole lot of colds. Between that, not much service going on.

And winter combined with sickness led to an even greater concern, namnely depression. I was clinically depressed during january and february, and it's not until the spring came and I broke free of it that I've realised just how bad it was. It was horrible. And when everything is a bleak drudgery, interspersed with angst and horrible, pervasive pictures of hurting yourself, that service orientation thing kind of goes out the window. I tried desperately to perform okay as a mother, wife and student, and I tear up even now when I consider how badly I failed.

Depression is a bitch. I know I'm in danger of falling down that terrible hole every winter, I obviously suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder, as do my mother, and epidemically that's worst for women in the end of their thirties. I'm in the beginning of my thirties, so it's likely to get worse each year from now on. It's very clearly stress induced for me, so if I had a choice, I would work half time during december, january and february, and save myself the grief. That might be possible in the future, but right now, the next winter, we'll be as poor as this one, and it'll be just as important for me to do well in school. I dread it a little.

Anyway, depression = bad for everything. But I think my shame and guilt over being sick and not being able to do the things I want to and other people need me to do, makes me a harder judge on myself then necessary. I can't compensate for all the months I lost. But if I stop trying to do that, I am able to see that what I do do now, actually might be enough. At least, most importantly, my Mistress says it is.

She's satisfied with me. She thinks the things I do are good and she's glad I'm doing them. It's just that I do things that come naturally to me, and feels easy, and she does things that comes naturally for her, and feels easy to her, and I've a hard time realising that it might also be the other way around.

She pays the bills, and I'm so grateful for that. But I manage our social calender, make sure we stay in touch with friends, and she's grateful for that. She vacuums and dusts and do the dishes more than me - but I always help, without her asking. And I always clean the bathroom, and the fishtank. And while she does a lot of housework, I keep little S occupied and out from under her feet, and that's no easy task either...

The fishtank

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.8

I think I'll simply have to stop berating myself, be content with the fact that my Mistress is happy with me and promises to tell me if she isn't, and that I can't help being sick, in either way. I'm good enough. My Mistress say so.