Ok, new rule. (I might need to write all the rules down someday, or maybe Mistress will order me to do it before I get around to it. Or maybe rules we both forget wasn't that important to begin with?). Anyway, new rule: when Mistress criticise me, or seem to criticise me, or I think she's implying some kind of criticism in something else she's saying, or I'm afraid she's going to criticise me in her next sentence, or something she does might be construed as criticism; I'm not allowed to run away, or immediately start defending myself in ugly, disrespectful ways.
Imagine that, huh?
As might be implied from the previous paragraph, I have issues with criticism (did you notice that?). I'm deadly afraid of it. Any kind of verbal correction makes me break out in cold sweats.This isn't only with Mistress, it's in any and all situations were any kind of achievement is called for. For the longest time, I didn't get involved in any activities were my absolute success wasn't guaranteed. This whole thing about working for your goals, improving with time, failing and trying again - not my thing. Success right away, seemingly without having to make an effort, or the potential prize loses all meaning and all I get out of process is shame and humiliation. Or so I thought.
I'm better at it now - a big milestone was when Mistress made me get into the car again after failing my first try at the driving exam. I did eventually get my drivers license, thanks to her, and as a matter of fact I flunked the exam twice and only passed on the third try. That was the first time I'd tried to do something difficult that was important to me, were I ran a real risk of failing.
So ok, I can do it. But in the everyday life of small things, Mistress not being pleased with me in any way (the smaller the worse, actually) is the dread of my existence. And since I'm rather disorganised, and grew up in a very disorganised home somewhat neglected and under a bit of chaotic circumstances, and she's very keen on control and order, she in fact quite often have reasons to be displeased with me.
I lose stuff. I forget stuff. I forget to do stuff. I remember important facts (like "I have to be in school super-early tomorrow, is it ok if you take the later bus to work and drop off little S at pre-school?") at the last minute, so that she has to rearrange her schedule to suit mine. I decide things over her head with friends and family and only tells her after the fact. I, again, lose stuff. A lot. And so on and so forth. Her strengths are my weaknesses.
And I think she wouldn't mind all that much, if I could stand her showing her displeasure. But I can't. I totally freak out. The merest whisper of a hint of a suggested complaint, and I go through the roof. I'm supersuperhurt and very very offended, and make sure the conversation very soon centers around her shortcomings, rather than mine.
As if I, somehow, could avert her irritation with me by denying and diversion. As if there's some watching, judging God in the room, whom I have to convince of my innocence and infallibility, and who, if convinced, then will make her irritation go away, by divine intervention. As if I can make her forget and see everything differently by shouting at her and claiming to have done nothing wrong.
Because that always works so well...
But no more. I can't do that anymore. Because she said so. And here's the kicker. Since she said so, since it's now an order from her, I really think I can change my ways. I've been trying to avert a great disaster, the disaster of her actually realising what a terrible, hopeless person I am, by all my smokescreens and big, dramatic scenes of anxiety and anger. She's suffered from it, and of course in any rational frame of mind I realise it's not contributing to anything, but the fear has made me do it, and the mere fact that she doesn't like it hasn't made me stop. But her orders will, I think.
The next time I feel horribly accused and unjustly treated, in desperate need of vindication, I'm supposed to go on my knees, or if that's not possible or appropriate at least take a position below her, and say something along the lines of: "It feels as if you're displeased with me, Mistress? Have I done something wrong?". She promises to take care of me, even if doing this as I fear will lead to a complete mental breakdown on my part. And honestly, I can't very well break any further down than I already do, and even if I do, I will most probably not be as obnoxious as I am while trying not to break down.
From now on, I'll simply go on and break down and let the disaster happen and let the chips fall were they may. She has ordered me so, and she has said that she'll deal with it and take care of me. That makes everything alright.
(In my head, I know I've behaved idiotic before, and that this would be a big improvement. In my heart, I'm deadly afraid and convinced she'll finally see right through me and deem me unworthy, if I dispense with the defence and the smokescreens. It's not that I believe my head over my heart - it's just that on her order, I'll take any chances and risk anything. This too.)
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