Last night in bed we discussed, again, our on-going conundrum, and for once we solved something, even though it was late and we were tired. When we fell asleep, me collared and chained, and spooned in to her, laying on her arm as always, I was happier and calmer than I've been in a long time.
Which is kind of funny, considering that the conclusion we reached was that she's been right all along, and it's me that has to change.
We went over the last time we clashed, and when I described the emotions I was having at the moment when she got angry at how I was reacting to her, I realised that her anger and hurt actually was rather well proportioned to the feelings and thoughts I was having. Not to what I was doing, per se, but to my attitude. She's not a mind reader, I wouldn't say, but she's very perceptive, and knows me very well.
I was feeling abandoned. betrayed. I was feeling hurt, and furious at her sudden betrayal. And also, for some reason I still can't figure out, I was feeling very very humiliated, and not in the good way. In that moment, I can't honestly say that I was submitting to her, and even though I would probably have followed a direct order, that would have been out of pride and stubborness, not because I trusted her or deferred to her judgment. Because in that moment, that microsecund, I had no faith whatsoever in her judgment. Which I think is what she accurately read in my expression, and which is what infuriated and frustrated her.
And what had she done, to merit such strong emotions, such distrust? She had heard me getting stressed out over little S disturbing me when I was about to mop the floor, wanting to play with the soapy water and "help" cleaning, and she hastily hang up the phone on her mother and more or less ran the few meters from the living room to the hallway, where we were, to help me out. That's it.
Yes, honestly, that's it. I swear. That was what drove me in to fear ridden despair and mistrust.
I'm quirky like that.
I have a reason for it. Of course I do. I'm not insane. But in this regard, I do have a lot of work to do. The thing that scared me at that time, mostly, was her hanging up in my opinon too fast on her mother, and then the running. Her moving fast indoors almost always does this to me. I, in less then a second, heard these actions, and interpreted them as "Oh no! She's angry! She's irrational! I have to stop her!" and I went into full red alert.
There are, we discovered yesterday, a few areas where I've lost trust in her, and another few where I'm not inclined to trust in anyone. All other areas I'm fine. Sex I'm fine with. Food, money, how we take care of our apartment, studying, socialising, remote control - all hers. I have no problem with her controlling those.
But then there is the time she gets angry or stressed, and specifically moves fast, have a special look in her eyes, or acts out in anyway. She expresses anger much more freely than I'm comfortable with, and she's scared me in the past. It's not until we talked about it that I realised just how much she's scared me, and what I've learned from those times.
I have learned that I have to stop her. Somehow I've convinced myself that if I don't intervene, things will get progressively worse until all is lost - until she seriously hurt herself, me or little S, and then it will be all my fault for not stopping her in time. So any time she shown outwards sign of anger or distress, I have to step in and threaten her or showing her how much I hate it, so that she'll stop and it wont get worse.
The problem, the big problem, with these kind of things, is that they never get disproven. As long as I act every time it happens, I'll never know for sure what will happen if I don't. She'll never get a chance to prove me wrong. And, because that's how people are wired, every time I do it it gets a little bit worse, it takes a little less to set me off. I have somehow become phobic of her anger expressions, so that now even the tiniest amount, even the mere suggestion that something might be annoying to her, is enough to trigger my fight/flight-response and an overwhelming need to intervene - to lash out at her, to protect myself.
Actually, it was a relief to discover this - I haven't been aware of it until now. I've just done it, and rationalised it afterwards, telling both me and her that she's the bad one. But honestly, if all she needs to do to set me off is walking fast, I'm not so sure she's the one with problem. And she got the chance to remind me of a few things I haven't really included in my reasoning. Like that she lived a good, productive, non-violent life before me. That she would never ever do anything to hurt herself, me or little S, and that though she's really sorry she has scared me, none of the times that has happened has posed any real danger to anyone.
I think I'll simply have to reflect over wether or not I trust her - do I trust her, even in those areas where she has made mistakes before? Can I tolerate the possibility of her making mistakes again?
If not, we're in serious trouble, but better to be honest about it. If I can, I have to stop reacting on my anxieties, and handles things differently from now on.
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