A question on Fetlife again, leading to introspection. Reading the answers to a post in the O/p-group about arguing, it turns out that no, noone else seems to do it. Everyone else is much too respectful and submissive and so on to do that - they trust their Owner, you see, so why argue? And yeah, that is the question.
It wasn't all that encouraging to realise that my answer along the lines of "we fight like angry cats" definitely stood out of the crowd. If everyone else is much too obedient and submissive and owned to argue, not to mention know eachother and love eachother too much, and we are at eachothers throats three times a week, that does imply certain things. Like that we're doing it wrong. And that I'm not submissive enough. And other cheerful, uplifting concepts.
I used to think that there would be no arguments, no fighting, in a power exchange relationship. I mean, if one party can decide everything, then how could you possibly fight? I had a discussion ones with an owned submissive, this was back in 2001 or something, and I had never tried anything involving BDSM but was very much searching. She talked about her anorexia, and I asked how come her Master couldn't help her with that - couldn't he just tell her what to eat and not to eat? And she replied that yes, he could, but he couldn't control her angst.
I got it then, to my credit, and I get it even more now. It doesn't matter what we agree upon, we're still human, we're still ourselves. I'm still me. I have given myself to her, but I'm still me, and neither she nor me can control my feelings. My expressions of them, absolutely, but not the affects in themselves. Nor can she really control my interpretation of a situation in the moment, because that is instantaneous. We can talk about it, and we can agree about different suitable actions next time, and we can discuss the interpretations of different situations, and perhaps influence the way I see things the next time they happen. But in the moment? It is as it is.
One funny thing is is that I never used to argue, with friends or previous partners. Shouting at people is not very like me, as I was before. And I realised also, yesterday, that no, this isn't like me. This is like her. I'm modelling on her.
She didn't like how I handled stress or anxiety or anger when we first got together, because all the things I did centered on distance and self control and shutting things and people out. If I could lie through my teeth, hide everything I want, decide for myself what I want to and don't want to show, and withdraw from interaction whenever I please, then I'm fine. I wont argue, I swear. You wont even know I was hurt or disagreed with you. And you wont know what happened when I suddenly declare enough and wont take your calls anymore.
So ok, she didn't like that (go figure) and she's been drawing me out of my shell bit by bit. Unfortunately, I did what I did because I haven't been taught a better way (serious lack in my upbringing, this) and trying to do something else (when it was declared that lying in the fetal position for hours not saying a word wasn't an acceptable way to behave during an argument) I did wat she do, or my own twisted version of it.
She has a tendency to blow up, to get very angry very quickly, show it loudly and clearly, and then calming down. I, on the other hand, detest anger, gets mortally wounded if someone displays it, rarely forgive anything and when I get mad, I stay mad. Not letting things get to me by shutting down and disengaging has been my strategy to get through life anyway, but with that strategy disabled, I flounder. Or rather, I fight.
So I think that is part of what has been happening with us. I'm not allowed to use my tried and tested methods of handling conflicts (or not handling them, as it were) and my alternatives are crude and rather violent. She hasn't stopped me because I think she wants me to express myself, she wants me to not withdraw and even though she hates what I'm doing, she likes it better than the alternative.
My job is to find a way to cope with my feelings and others, a healthy way, that my parents were supposed to teach me (if only they'd known it themselves). I'm getting there, but along the way I'm making mistakes galore. But now I'm sensing the end of the road, I see it just along the bend over there. I think this will be past us soon, and we'll take on other challenges instead. Soon! (Maybe next year, or so...)
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