On again/off again?

Again, inspiration from Fetlife. An Owner wrote about his slave being on again/off again in their O/p-dynamic, reacting very differently to his dominance at different times, including yelling abuse and rape at him. Actually, it sounded rather gruesome, and like a typical "you seriously need to talk to eachother about it" type of posting. But anyway. We're not quite that bad (I certainly hope) but something about it rang true for me.

Maybe that's how she sees it? As if I'm "on again/off again" regarding our dynamic? As if I sometimes submit and follow her, and then at other times seems to disregard her and not care the least what she think, says or does. That would make sense, in that it would at least explain to me why she's behaving the way she does. That instead of being angry with me when I misbehave, and punish me or at least tell me what I'm doing wrong, she acts hurt and emotionally upset, as if I've done something very hurtful and rejecting, something intentionally directed at her, almost like an insult.

The only reasonable guess I've so far come up with is that in her eyes, I have.

Bleerrgh.

The idea makes me wanna scream at the almighty Universe that I haven't done anything! I mean, obviously I have done something, I don't sit around glaring at the floor all day and even if I did that would still be doing something. But I've never meant to hurt her, or disrespect her, and I've certainly never ment not to submit to her, to belong to her. 

I do, however, glare at her. And sigh exasperatedly. And contradicts her at times. Sometimes I even tell her that's she's wrong, or what she's supposed to be doing, or ask her what she's doing and why in a snide voice. I can get very angry at times, even though I mostly just sigh and say nothing and well, I don't know, look angry. 

And yes, I know, listed here that certainly doesn't come off as a very humble or submissive behaviour. And it's not. But it's not anything else either. Its just my spontaneous reaction to how I perceive my environment. It's not me saying "I don't want to belong to you, I'm not going to do what you tell me, I'm not submitting to you". It's just me expressing anger or frustration or a different opinion in the best way I know how.

And I think the difference, one difference at least, between us is not only in the interpretation of my actions, but in the view of who's responsibles for them. In my view, I'm hers and obeying her, and that mean she can pretty much change any behaviour she doesn't like, by classic conditioning if nothing else. Give me a slap every time I glare, and I'll stop doing it. It's not a sign of any underlaying attitude or opinion, it's just a bad habit that can be trained away. But that's my perspective, and I'm slowly realising she doesn't seem to share that view.

She seems to think, instead, that it's my job to behave in submission to her if I want to belong to her. That she owns me and guides me, but that my submission is in essence voluntary, and if I don't behave accordingly, obviously I don't want it enough, and she interpret that as if I'm not as invested as her in the relationship. Or something. I haven't yet found that University course in telepathy I'm looking for, so I'm guessing this far. 

But it seems like that when I do any of these things I've listed, she interpret that as a fundamental unwillingness to submit to her, and react pretty reasonably from that interpretation with being pissed off, hurt and taking a step back, figuratively. Which I find incredibly hurtful and the worst possible punishment, and reacts accordingly. And hey ho, here we go again.

Somewhere in this process there's a stop button. It may be in me changing my behaviour by some sort of effort of will, it may be in her changing her interpretation of my action to allow her to help me by disciplining me, or maybe by me realising where she's coming from when she gets hurt and I feel rejected. Or all three, at different situations. It's there somewhere, in any case, and I'm determined to find it. I'm training to become a behaviour psychologist, godammit, I'm supposed to be good at this sort of things...