Dec 30, 2015

Assignment: rules

Mistress gave me another assignment today: to list rules. Three rules we have, three rules we don't have yet but that I would like and three rules we don't have that I really wouldn't want.

So okay, here goes:

Rules we have:
1) I have to ask permission before going to bed at night.
2) After Mistress has said good night to me I'm not allowed to talk anymore before falling asleep.
3) I'm not allowed to eat sweets of any kind without asking for permission any day except Saturday.

Rules we don't have that I'd like:
1) Waiting for Mistress' approval before starting to eat when we are together.
2) Being naked, in a robe or otherwise dressed in some specific way when we're alone together in the evenings.
3) Having specific postures for different situations, for example kneeling beside her or standing in some specific way when waiting for her (when we're alone).

Rules we don't have that I wouldn't want:
1) Not being allowed at all to masturbate or orgasm alone.
2) Not being allowed to buy stuff at all or without prior permission.
3) Not being allowed to discuss our relationship or Mistress with other people, in real life or on internet.

When I started writing this assignment seemed really difficult. But it turned out to be pretty straightforward. And it made me think about the rules we have now, and why we have them and also about those we've tried but not kept. Those we have now survived the purgatory and are useful and simple. I wouldn't want to live without them.

Dec 29, 2015


Another thing we discussed were rules. We do have them, I'm sure of it. Sometimes, when I screw up, we notice them.

But the things that seemed sexy or challenging or at least a little kinky when they came in to effect are now very mundane and taken for granted. So maybe it would be a good idea to write them down. Both to remember them and to evaluate them and maybe to get that kinky feeling back a little.

We have one very definit rule I'm pretty sure is not going to be re-evaluated anytime soon. I got reminded, painfully, of that yesterday, when I forgot it.

Rule: I am not allowed to stick my tongue out to Mistress.

Mission: dressing gown

We've been talking a lot the last few days. Good talks, about what we can do to bring more of the magic back into our relationship. There's nothing wrong with the foundation, it's rock solid. But having the kid, me being sick, moving a couple of times; the stress of the last few years has made us trim away everything that isn't absolutely necessary. We have a good cake, but all the frosting is gone. And the filling. And also the spoon, platters and well everything except the cake part. And it's kind of boring.

One of the things we've talked about is the time each night when little S has fallen asleep and we have a couple of hours before bedtime. Usually we do some necessary things first, clean up in the kitchen, talk about household administration stuff, maybe take a shower  or prepare stuff for the next day. And then we usually make us some tea and sandwiches and snuggle on the couch in front of the telly. Without making any big changes this time could be used much more to reinforce our roles, to be us in a way we can't be in front of little S or other people.

So we discussed if it wouldn't be much better if I was naked. And yes, that would be a good way to reinforce my status in comparison to Mistress, and it would leave me vulnerable and make me feel more submissive. It would also, unfortunately, probably leave me with a cold. The house is usually around 17-18 degrees Celsius, and that's just below comfortable temperature if you don't have clothes. Actually we usually have a warm sweater on, sometimes long johns too, and always warm socks and slippers.

Okay then, but why not a nice dressing robe?

So I have an assignment - before January 6th I am to present three different alternatives for sexy, cosy dressing robes to Mistress.

Here they are:

Dressing gown Hemtex

Dressing gown Twilfit

Dressing gown Sova

Dec 25, 2015

Random thoughts on Christmas Day

Our first Christmas in the new house. This is our seventh Christmas as parents, and some of them have been remarkably lousy. Like the year when the kid had a stomach bug that just wouldn't let up and we went to the ER in the middle of the night in fear of her being dehydrated. Or the one when she started the day with picking up a piece of glass and putting it in her mouth. She spent all of Christmas dinner crying, and we had no idea why until later when we discovered she had cut herself. Anyway, big family gathering with lots of expectations has a tendency to end up disappointing.

This was a good one, though. Everybody was more or less nice to each other, and our kid played happily with her two cousins a lot of the day. We even managed to make the preparations and clean up for two meals (with ten people) not be entirely done by the females of the crowd. My brother and uncle didn't volunter, but they did agree when asked directly, and that will have to count as good enough.

That's a bit ridiculous actually. We were seven adults; me and Mistress, my brother and his wife, my mother, and my fathers brother och and his older sister. I have ADHD and a history of burn out and I'm very easily fatigued. My sister in law has Ehler-Danlos syndrome, a chronic illness that gives pain and physical weakness and fatigue. My mother had a stroke two years ago, and my aunt has Parkinson. So of us seven, only three are in fighting shape; my wife, my brother and my uncle. That didn't stop the two guys from spending a good part of the afternoon in beds on their backs, telling each other facts about unrelated things. Male privilege. I kind of hate it.

Anyway, today is spent at home just the three of us. I'm doing the privilege thing and lounging about upstairs while Mistress is playing with little S right now. But I'll join them soon, and my plan is that Mistress will be doing the lounging after dinner.

Of kink there is for the time beeing absolutely none. Because of life, and sickness and stress and missed opportunities and well... life. Mistress doesn't do kink or sex or anything like that when she's stressed, and we've been sick in some flu-like virus the week before Christmas. So yeah.

It's interesting, because I can feel how I slowly start to lose my good manners when we drift apart. I'm not intentionally bad in any way, but I get careless I guess. Or insecure, and therefore a bit obnoxious. It doesn't really make any sense, because we're not in a bad place actually. We just haven't had the opportunity for play or sex for a while. In every other way we're all good. But still. I lose my sense of place in the world, I get all uncomfortable and I don't like it.

The more I can behave myself and be the obedient and loving partner my Mistress wants me to be, the better it will be. The sooner we'll get on the right track again. If I start acting up and panic, we'll have to put a lot of valuable time and energy into fixing things, resources better spent having fun. So I'm trying.

I have a paper sign I've made to myself, several years ago, on the refrigerator. It has the words "acceptance, patience, trust" written on it. I try to remember that and be as well as I can in the moment.

Dec 14, 2015

An innocent object

This rattan carpet beater has been lying on top of a book shelf in the living room since we moved in. I think it came with the house, and I guess it just got put there to be out of the way. We don't need it (we don't have that kind of carpets) but it's not in the way or anything.

Yesterday Mistress beat me with it. And then she fucked me. I was all happy and cuddly and warm afterwards. When it was time for bed, she put it back where it was, as if nothing happened. And suddenly, I'm hyper aware that we have a spanking implement on a shelf in the living room. Oh my God! What if someone sees it?

I mean, they might have seen it at any time the last four months. But that doesn't seem to matter, for some reason. It's still a little bit embarrasing and a lot tingly to know that it's up there.

Oct 30, 2015

Hurtful memories

I read through some of my earlier posts yesterday, the perks of being home alone all day. I also get why I don't write stuff when I'm busy - I need to wind down and rest before I can access that part of me, the writing and thinking part. Obviously, work takes up huge amount of my focus and energy (that might be why 1) it's called work and 2) I get paid to do it...).

I had assumed I wouldn't have been writing all that much during 2012, the year I got sick and exhausted. But I did actually, I think that might have been the year I wrote most frequently. And I think it's all there, hidden between the lines. I didn't see what was going on, I didn't yet know what was coming. But I knew I was suffering and I was working so hard to get by, to solve problems, to make things work. Now, in hind sight, I can almost feel the desperation and the self blame radiating off the computer when I read the entries.

I started to cry when I'd gotten to around March or something, and stopped reading. Honestly, I don't want to know. At least not right now, not yet. I'm sure I'll be glad to have it written down in the future. For now, it still hurts.

Oct 29, 2015

Home alone

I'm home alone all day, little S is at a day camp and Mistress is working. So far I've gotten involved in some heated internet debate about subsidised day care, and gotten all wound up in a way I know Mistress wouldn't approve of. So I'm trying to quit it for the day. I've finally made a fire in the kitchen range, and made some coffee.

And yeah, that's about it. It's after ten in the morning, and so far I've had a great day off. I will put some real clothes on any time now. I'm sure of it.

Oct 27, 2015

Life by the woods

We had a lovely day today. Both at home, little S at day camp petting horses and bunnies. We put up some shelves and curtains, and took a walk in our woods. Had lunch in front of the teve, and then some spanking and sex. I was pretty much spent after that and haven't done much of anything afterwards. Mistress went to get little S, they're getting sushi dinner at a shopping mall and I'm supposed to go get something for myself about now. I'll do that, anytime now.

We have woods. We took a walk together in our woods. That we own. It's marvellous, amazing. We've lived here for two months now, but this was actually the first time we had the opportunity to explore together. It's not like we've bought all that much, it took us about 45 minutes to go around the perimeter of the woods We have some fields too, and a big outhouse. There will be horses there, eventually, and chickens and maybe sheep. Or miniature cows, who knows, it might happen. For now, it's still empty.

We have this beautiful big timber two storey house, with tile stoves and a huge kitchen range. We've bought another car, and we have to drive little S twenty minutes to her school, and I have ten minutes drive to the train station and then about twenty more minutes to work. If we run out of milk we have to take our coffee black, and when we realised to our horror that we had run out of coffee before guests arrived we had to text them and ask them to buy some on the way, because a round trip to the store takes about an hour all in all. It's not all that convenient.

But it's beautiful and it's quiet and even when we had a whole family with little kids staying the night it didn't seem crowded. We have neighbours, the house is in the center of an old farm village, but we can't hear them and there's almost no cars going past. We here the neighbours' chickens, and cows and horses, and sometimes the ravens talking about raven things across the fields. And the wind in the birches. But that's about it.

I think we'll be happy here.

The house.

View from the balcony.

Jul 17, 2015

Life, in general. And stress induced amnesia.

So yeah, it was awhile ago since I blogged. And that's okay, it happens to everyone. But... I actually had to go to tp check her blogroll to remember the name of this place. That'
s bad. That's really bad.

I do have the excuse that my life has been completely topsy-turvy for about a month now, and that I should probably be happy about remembering my own name at least.

My job contract was up in June and I was offered to stay on but in the end I changed jobs which means we'
re relocating after the summer. Or rather re-relocating, we're going home again. Mistress has been working from home alternating with travelling a lot, and we're moving back to closer to her actual workplace, and our home town. It's all good, I think it will be a good job for me and we never really settled in here anyway. But it's changes, and changes are hard.

And we've found and bought this amazing house. We're moving in August 14th, and we can't wait. We're both on vacation until then and little S is home with us, and yesterday we came home from a two week road trip to the south ofSweden. Before that I did three weeks at the new job, sleeping at a friends' house during the weekdays, and yeah, we haven't had decent routines or anything resembling order and structure for over a month.

But amazingly we're both good with each other. We have all sorts of stress induced symptoms, from cold sores to panic attacks, but we're in love and secure with each other. A couple of weeks ago this kind of stress and lack of alone time would have driven us at each others throats and induced hundreds of "you don't really love me!!!" meltdowns. I'm so glad we're not doing that right now.

The house though. The house! We found our dreamhouse, it's perfect in so many ways. It never even got out on the market, we heard about it from a friend of my moms. I got a phone number to "someone who wants to sell their house, you should call her" and got up my nerve and did. I'm so glad I did, Mistress wasn't even at home that week, and I was in all kinds of jitters (I have a bit of a phone phobia, calling strangers is not my favourite pastime).

We arranged to check it out on the way to somewhere else and got thirty minutes roaming around with a overexcited little S hanging around our throats while making small talks to the current owners. And two days later we made an offer and they accepted and well, we bought it.

It's built somewhere before 1850, a very classic red two story Swedish farm house. It's got original  floor boards that are 50 cm wide, five fireplaces (one in the master bedroom) and it's beautifully renovated with all modern appliances. We don't have to do a thing, we're just moving in.

It also got 8 acres of land, and several outbuildings with different functions. One is a stable, and we're getting horses! Probably not this fall, since there is some work to do to make the woods and the farm land into pasture and get the outbuildings in to use, but next summer for sure.

We have our own woods! With hunting rights. Well, we have land for almost anything we might like to do. The school bus stops just outside the house, it's in a little village with other kids (though we don't know ages and whether or not they are playmate-material of course) and it's just perfect.

Jan 19, 2015


In the middle of the fall I wrote about getting another baby. That's still on, but the timeline has shifted. Because that goal I made, about losing 10% body weight? Fail, utterly fail. I know enough about the body and weight loss to not be surprised. It is hard to change, and I didn't have the energy to work enough for it. Because I put that energy into other things, work mostly.

But that's not okay. This fall I've prioritised work and to some extent our kid over Mistress and our relationship and over my own health in a way that isn't okay. For a short time, yes, but not for life.

We've made a deal. Or rather, I've asked her for help. I want to lose weight. And for the first time in my life, I think, I'm not worried about eating disorder or becoming bulimic. I was, for a lot of years, and the ADHD hasn't helped either. But I'm not anymore.I don't get those feelings and thoughts I used to get, and I'm not scared anymore. I don't think I'll want to throw up or get notions about starving myself. It feels safe, finally, and there's a freedom in that.

The last week Mistress has put the food on my plate, and every day I go to work with a bag with my lunch in it, allowed only to eat what's in it. It makes everything ridicolously easy, to be honest. There was this big chocolate and whipped cream cake at work today, a colleague had brought left overs from some week end party. And it wasn't even hard not to eat it. I'm supposed to eat what Mistress sent with me, and therefore it wasn't even a question.

Knowing my usual pattern, this will start to get hard again real soon. And then easy for a while, and then difficult again. Because that is how it works. But right now, I'm just revelling in being Mistress' good girl and in feeling healthy and in tune with my life goals. Good things, all around.

Jan 11, 2015

Her touch

I'm amazed by the feelings I get when she touches me. Not just holding my hand or the cuddle on the sofa in front of the telly, but how it feels when I suddenly realise she wants me. The touch of her hands, the feeling of her mouth to mine, her body close to mine. It's always amazing.

I've been working to much this fall, at least that's how it feels. We've had the everyday life we were asking for, but there hasn't been enough time or energy left for us. We haven't done anything just the two of us, no movie theater or beer at the pub. Nothing, just putting kid to bed, watch Dr Who, go to sleep. That's nok okay. That's not enough.

She just fucked me, hard and lovingly, and now she's making sandwiches to eat in front of the telly. And she told me to go write something, anything, about the kinky side of our life. The silence on here has a direct connection to the all to little focus the power exchange between us, and the love and sex and connection between us, has gotten at the end of 2014. I think there's a good  chance that that will change in 2015.