Jun 27, 2013


For different reasons my brain problems got worse this week, I had a little setback plain and simple. It's very hard not to panic and despair, but when my rational mind takes the lead, I can convince myself that it's perfectly normal. There's ups and downs in everything, and it would be naïve to think my recovery would be a straight line upwards, with me fully functioning and prancing around all day long in August. It's more likely going to be like a mountain climb - a little up, a little down, and every time you reach the crest of one hill you see another rising before you. It's just how it is.

I have ADHD and recurring depressions, and I'm suffering from a burn out that started developing at least since the summer of 2010, and it's not even my first one. It's not going to go away in a puff of smoke in a couple of weeks. Some of it will never go away, and some of it will get better, in it's own time. I have to trust that I'm doing the right things, that my medication is helping, and that rest and time and love and patience will bring healing and recovery eventually.

Also, my worst days now is better than my average days last summer, or even this winter. It's definitely an improvement. I'm just not the super human I think I should be. Accepting that and loving me all the same is, I think, one of the most important parts of the journey I'm doing so far.

Right now I'm eating chips and surfing the web on the couch besides Mistress who's working. I'm counting this as constructive actions in regards to getting better...

Jun 19, 2013


Found this on "A slave to Master"s blog: The-submissive-type-test


Your result for The submissive type Test ...


You scored 23% Humiliation, 71% Submissiveness, 58% Service, and 62% Pain!

You're the slave, you scored high in both submissiveness and service, you probably want to be owned by someone, you feel the need to relinquish your power over to someone else and to service him. You are the ideal partner for 24/7 Owner/slave relationships, whether you like or deslike pain is a matter of taste, hence with humiliation, but I would bet that the chances are you enjoy them sometimes but the most important thing is whether your Dom will enjoy doing those thigns to you.
Good luck in finding your best relationship :)

This really doesn't qualify as profound, does it?

All deep thought postponed until further notice

I was going to write something insightful and astounding today. Possibly something about the pony play-experience, or my angst over not being in school or employed or even home with the kid and what does that make me? (Oh My God! I'm useless! What am I good for? I'm a lazy good-for-nothing! and so on and so forth.) Or maybe about... something else important.

However, I got a migraine yesterday afternoon, and now my brain is mush. I still have a headache and I'm nauseas and I don't want to do anything but sit perfectly still. Or possibly sleep, except I'm not sleepy. So no profound thoughts today.

We're leaving for my in-laws cabin by the sea tomorrow, celebrating Midsummer and having a mini-vacation. I'm supposed to be packing. All I've done so far is putting little S's life jacket on the comfy chair, together with her bathing suit and four squirt guns. I'm not sure that really constitutes packing. At all, actually. Oh well. 

Jun 16, 2013

Things you do for your health...

I've had an amazing weekend, in all manners of ways. My head is a bit frazzled at the moment, so I'll settle for listing all the things I've done that has been very, very good for my to-high blood pressure. I'm going to the doc to have it re-checked on Tuesday, so this was all very important activities from a health perspective. (That's totally why we did them, I promise...)

  1. Meditating on Power Animals and having a lovely visit from an imaginary badger, who promised me that it will all be al right.
  2. Talking with my friend I. about important and non-important things and simply enjoying the company. 
  3. Relaxing with my head in Mistress lap and being stroked and petted absent-mindedly while surrounded by beautiful human ponies with friends and trainers.
  4. Being a pony for Mistress for the first time, with a lovely borrowed bridle and trotting and cantering for her in a paddock.
  5. Getting a good whipping with our new riding crop.
  6. And finally getting fucked well and good, with everything feeling just perfectly right and as it should be.

Jun 9, 2013

Sometimes, I'm just stupid

And no, nothing can ever be good for longer than say five minutes. Bleergh.

I've screwed up, and it ended with us spending our night out yesterday, when we were supposed to celebrate our joint achievement and the merry times ahead, crying our eyes out as discreetly as possible over pints in a pub. Yey.

I like beer. It does not benefit from tears.

And now I just want to crawl away into some hole somewhere and bury myself in guilt and shame, but that would be stupid. I hurt Mistress, turns out I've hurt her several times over the last couple of years regarding the same issue, and I had no idea. We were so far from each other in our interpretations of the situation that it's not even funny.

We've got a dog. A five year old miniature pincher named Vilde, which is Swedish for Wild Thing. He's very aptly named, and when the kid was around a year old, we admitted defeat and left him at my in-laws place. He's been there ever since, even though we've made numerous attempts at bringing him home again. We go visit about every fortnight or so for a number of reasons, so it's not as if we've dumped him and forgotten about him, but still. He's not living at home.

And since I have no common sense and no impulse control (and have the papers to prove it, I might ad(h)d) I choose yesterday to bring this sore subject up again, declaring that I didn't think we would ever be able to take him home and that maybe it would be better to give up and start thinking about getting another dog. A nice one, one who doesn't bark incessantly and nips small kids in the face.

Which led to Mistress silently crying, staring out at the window and me feeling totally confused without any idea of what part of what I said was so horrible. I was even feeling kind of righteous - I was only trying to solve a problem that was obviously my responsibility, and I wanted to tell her that I gave up, that I admitted defeat and had failed. Why that would make her break down in tears was beyond me.

Did I mention the different interpretation thing? And how it so not funny? Not even a little bit, actually.

From Mistress point of view, I'm owned and collared. I've pledged allegiance to her countless times, and she's declared her intention to lead me and own me and take responsibility for our life together just as often. That should, one would think, mean that I would trust her to do that, and expect her to do that. That major problems in our life, for example who is and who isn't a part of our family, is up to her to figure out. 

I on the other hand, has the default setting of "Much Fix All the Things!". The dog was her gift to me, I was the one convincing her that we should get him, I was the one calling breeders and arranging visits, I was the one who was at home with him for three months, who made him house broken and taught him to be home alone without barking or biting on stuff. I was the one who went to obedience classes with him. It was my responsibility. I was also the one who first said "this isn't working, we can't keep him, his not happy with us" - because it was my responsibility to make him happy with us, and I was the one failing at it.

All this time, all these years, I've taken my responsibility for the dog, and his place in our family, completely for granted. At the same time, Mistress has taken her responsibility for the situation equally for granted, and my attempts at "solving" or making decisions regarding it as usurping her. Every time I've said "nah, let's not do this, let's do this instead" or "maybe next month we could try again" or whatever, in her mind I've been telling her I don't trust her. That I don't trust her judgement, that I don't believe in her ability to make good decisions and make this right, and that her time is up - I'm done waiting for her and I'm taking it in my own hands.

That's what she's been thinking. And I had no idea. It didn't even occur to me that it would be possible that she didn't think that this was my mess and my job to solve it.

The fact that this is the same damn hole I keep falling in to, the Pit of Responsibility for Things that isn't Mine, doesn't make it feel even a little bit better.

She was right. I've screwed up. I've hurt her, I've hurt us, and it doesn't matter how sorry I am. What's done is done. I can't go back in time and make it right. I'm just sad, and have a hard time dealing with it.

Jun 8, 2013

Almost there

I had my graduation party yesterday. All my credits aren't registered yet, and I haven't turned in a finalised corrected version of the thesis, nor applied for an exam (one have to fill in a form and post it, and then the actual graduation certificate comes in the mail) so there's a little bit still to go before I'm done. But the ritualistic end-of-term ceremony was yesterday, in the University big and old lecture hall, with speeches and diplomas.

At the end of it we all walked down the stairs from the podium and through the big hall, and when I ventured down, my kid had worked her way up from the back of the hall all the way up front as close to me as she could get without actually climbing up on stage with me.

She was probably about to do that, but Mistress got after her, and when I walked by, they both stood there, and I simply grabbed the kid in passing and walked in the procession with my classmates with my diploma in one hand and holding my three year old on my hip with the other. And with Mistress collar around my neck. I don't think I ever have been that proud in my life. I might have been even happier when we got married, but I do think this was my proudest moment so far.

Today I'm feeling kind of sea-sick and almost hungover, but that's okay. I'm all done now, anyway.

Jun 3, 2013

No worries

I don't know if me and Mistress has ever been in some sense so far apart from each other as we have been this last month. I've been working working working, and she has too, and we've more or less just passed each other by on our way between different chores. Every night we cuddle up together and fall asleep - but that's not enough, not by a long shot.

And now, when it's been several days, a whole week end, since I handed in my thesis, and Mistress for once hasn't got any pressing deadlines at work, we've still hadn't had sex. I'm not sure it's even been this long for us not having sex.

Well yes it has because the end part of pregnancy and the time after delivery weren't not all that sexy, but that was different. And also, we did have sex something like two weeks before delivery and three weeks after, so it was really a minimum of abstaining, considering the circumstances. Now it's like it's the same thing, only it's not a baby, it's a university graduation.

The amazing thing, though, is the lack of angst we're having over it. It's like I can for once completely put it down to limitations in time and energy, and I feel confident that it's neither anything to do with lack of love, or something that is going to last forever. Give us a couple of weeks of reasonable amount of work and some time spent together just the two of us, and I bet we'll be at it like rabbits again...

I'm looking forward to this summer so much that I can almost taste it.