Sep 29, 2013

Getting the no

I wanted to go to a thing a couple of days ago, a "Fight Club" organised by our favourite club. I got all excited the first time I heard about it, and Mistress was very apprehensive already at that point. I understood that she wouldn't want to go, and I didn't think she would let me, but in the end I still asked if I could.

And she said, predictably, no. It doesn't happen that often. Partly because I think I usually know what the answer's going to be, and if I don't think it's something she'll approve of, I don't bother asking. But also, I think, because if there's no obvious thing in the way, like money or time, she likes to let me do fun stuff.

This time though, it was about our differing views of fun. "I wont let anyone hurt you" she said when we talked about it later. I had already yielded and didn't try to persuade her, but still couldn't help answering back "but I wouldn't get hurt. I would take anyone there down, and you know it."

Ah well. I guess this time was not the time to do a drag king act of "Gunther the Grunter" a la 80ies wrestler with big hair and moustache. Another day. But I really do think I would have won over anyone there. And as it seems, I will be allowed to keep thinking that, since I'm not going to be allowed to try that hypothesis out. 

Sep 13, 2013

General weirdness

We actually do have sex and stuff. Kinky sex to. And we're good, relationship-wise. Everythings good(ish). "As well as can be expected under the circumstances" have been my standard reply for the last five years, and it's still true. The circumstances at this particular time being my fucked up brain and it's inability to get better at the rate I want it to.

I've applied for a job I really want, and they haven't gotten back to me, and I lay awake some nights before going to sleep and worry about never getting an employment. But that's nothing new.

All is well, the kid thrive and Mistress isn't hating her job at the moment. She's even getting home earlier today and picks up little S on her way home, yey!

I've been feeling weird all week, and finally realised it's because I upped my dosage of methylfenidat (ADHD-meds) and that caused some weird sensations. Like all the hair standing up all over my body. Some sort of itchy feeling under the skin, all over. And an inability to relax but at the same time extreme exhaustion. Also, I've been doing some funny thing with my teeth, pressing the lower jaw forward so that the lower front teeth are constantly pushing at the upper front teeth. As if I've been going around all week trying to create an under bite by shear force. It wasn't unpleasant, necessarily, not all the time, but it was extremely unsettling and annoying. I lowered the dose yesterday, and now I'm back to being normally exhausted and dim-witted.

Why can't I get to functional normally without feeling high or hyper? Meh. I was enjoying waking up in the morning with a fully awake and functioning brain. Now it's soon 10 AM, and I still feel like a zombie. A sleepy, dazed zombie. Bleergh. I want it all. I want to wake up and being awake, I want to have the energy to go to the gym, make lunch, fill the dishwasher and still be able to form coherent sentences over dinner. But I don't want to go around gnashing my teeth and feeling high all the time.

And I must admit all these weird feelings and health issues makes the O/p-part of things fall into the background a bit. Mistress is my rock, my best friend, my sanity in all this. She owns me, sure, but I know that. It's not something I spend a lot of time thinking about right now. It's just there, thankfully, making me feel connected and present and as a real person even when I have a lot of reasons to feel like I'm a figment of imagination, drifting alone in the darkness of space. I'm real and I'm here, 'cause I'm hers.

And tonight we're having tacos in front of the telly with the kid spilling salsa over the sofa and me and Mistress cuddling a little behind her back. Just because stuff feels weird inside my brain it doesn't mean that's what the world actually looks like.