We cuddled on the sofa yesterday, as usual, and Mistress was holding my collar in her hand. She often does that, but this time she unhooked it and grabbed the end so that it formed a noose around my neck. She kept it tight but not too tight, it didn't restrict anything. It just made me feel very safe and secure and held.
Showing posts with label breathplay. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breathplay. Show all posts
Jan 25, 2016
Jun 4, 2012
Seemingly a paradox
Isn't it strange that I'll let Mistress strangle me to the point of unconsiousness without any hesitation, and really can't come up with anything she would possibly want to do that I would refuse her, but I still gets angry and resentful and acts up when she asks the most mundane things from me?
The other day she wanted me to put another sweater on little S after I've already put her in her stroller, and I threw a hissy fit and stomped away, closing the door to the bedroom so that I could lay on the bed and sulk. While at the other times I let her bind me, gag me and beat me, with no problem. How does that make sense?
We talked about it yesterday, and it suddenly occurred to me that it was perfectly logical. The same force drives both of these behaviours. I want to please. I want to live up to her expectations and be as good as I can be. However, if I don't get very specific directions, I make up my own idea of what those expectations are, and the acting out happens when she gives me what I feel is contradicting orders.
If she strangles me, I interpret the situation so that I surrender and follow and doesn't fight back - to the point of fainting before I say anything. Because that's what I've learned she wants. If I was in a martial arts setting, training with peers, I would have no problems saying no or tapping on someone to make them stop what they're doing. Because that is "good behaviour" in that setting. And with the stroller - I had made the interpretation that the goal was to get little S ready for her nap and out in the stroller in the most effective manner possible, and thought I was doing that. I was already doing my best. When she went in and changed details in what I was doing, I felt criticised, corrected, deemed unworthy, in essence worthless and unjustly punished. That interpretation made me both ashamed and furious, and I withdrew.
"Ok" Mistress said when I tried to explain this to her, "then it's really only a matter of changing your interpretation of the situation, of being very clear about what I expect of you?"
And I wanted to leap with joy, to raise my hands in the air and shout. Yes! That's exactly it! I think I've been trying to tell Mistress this for something like... five years or so? Yes. Tell me what you want of me. Tell me when I do something wrong, and most importantly - tell me what you want me to do differently. I'm very good at following orders. I just need them to be precise and possible for me to follow.
It's when the parameters are fuzzy, as they usually are in day-to-day-life, that I derail. I need clear feedback, and help in defining the situation, if you don't like my interpretation of it. Just assume that I do as best I can to please and that if I'm not pleasing the only thing I need is to know what you want me to do instead.
I think that in play-situations Mistress takes much much more care to explain her expectations to me, and correct me if she doesn't like what I'm doing. In everyday life, things are simply supposed to flow along, and when they don't she doesn't really make the interpretations that's what's missing is clearer orders and more disciplin and control. I think she thinks I'm just being stubborn or willfull or disobeying her on purpose. And it might that feeling, that idea I have that she thinks that of me, that sparks my anger the most. Because it's really really not so.
The other day she wanted me to put another sweater on little S after I've already put her in her stroller, and I threw a hissy fit and stomped away, closing the door to the bedroom so that I could lay on the bed and sulk. While at the other times I let her bind me, gag me and beat me, with no problem. How does that make sense?
We talked about it yesterday, and it suddenly occurred to me that it was perfectly logical. The same force drives both of these behaviours. I want to please. I want to live up to her expectations and be as good as I can be. However, if I don't get very specific directions, I make up my own idea of what those expectations are, and the acting out happens when she gives me what I feel is contradicting orders.
If she strangles me, I interpret the situation so that I surrender and follow and doesn't fight back - to the point of fainting before I say anything. Because that's what I've learned she wants. If I was in a martial arts setting, training with peers, I would have no problems saying no or tapping on someone to make them stop what they're doing. Because that is "good behaviour" in that setting. And with the stroller - I had made the interpretation that the goal was to get little S ready for her nap and out in the stroller in the most effective manner possible, and thought I was doing that. I was already doing my best. When she went in and changed details in what I was doing, I felt criticised, corrected, deemed unworthy, in essence worthless and unjustly punished. That interpretation made me both ashamed and furious, and I withdrew.
"Ok" Mistress said when I tried to explain this to her, "then it's really only a matter of changing your interpretation of the situation, of being very clear about what I expect of you?"
And I wanted to leap with joy, to raise my hands in the air and shout. Yes! That's exactly it! I think I've been trying to tell Mistress this for something like... five years or so? Yes. Tell me what you want of me. Tell me when I do something wrong, and most importantly - tell me what you want me to do differently. I'm very good at following orders. I just need them to be precise and possible for me to follow.
It's when the parameters are fuzzy, as they usually are in day-to-day-life, that I derail. I need clear feedback, and help in defining the situation, if you don't like my interpretation of it. Just assume that I do as best I can to please and that if I'm not pleasing the only thing I need is to know what you want me to do instead.
I think that in play-situations Mistress takes much much more care to explain her expectations to me, and correct me if she doesn't like what I'm doing. In everyday life, things are simply supposed to flow along, and when they don't she doesn't really make the interpretations that's what's missing is clearer orders and more disciplin and control. I think she thinks I'm just being stubborn or willfull or disobeying her on purpose. And it might that feeling, that idea I have that she thinks that of me, that sparks my anger the most. Because it's really really not so.
Jun 3, 2012
Breathplay workshop and insights about myself
Several months ago the women only gay BDSM-club that we're members of (we pay our membership each year, but the last three years we've been going about once a year), sent out their program for the coming six months, and there was an item on the program that I pounced upon like an eagle on a mouse. It was a breathplay workshop, and it was scheduled for today.
I actually emailed them the next day, asking if there were still places available (with a big smiley - of course there were, I bet I was first in line), and we paid for it as soon as we got confirmation. That was ages ago, but now it finally happened. In a way this is the start of my summer holidays - last exam three days ago, and my summer job doesn't start until July. This was a great way to kick off the summer.
We had the usual drama before finally making our escape - my dad was babysitting little S the whole day, and it was planned to be in his house, but my brother with wife and baby lives there too, and the baby, little S's cousin, got sick today, of course. Something like this always, always happens when we try to do something, especially if it is expensive and planned in advance... But dad could come to us instead, and we could get away.
I like that club. It's actually a local owned by a gay men organisation, and the small sister organisation hire it one Thursday every month, and for some special occasions. This was a joint effort from both organisations, and the instructor was a seasoned martial arts practitioner, who also had an obvious delight in any kind of breathplay. She was short and wiry and had a buzz cut and a steely gaze and talked very fast and very passionately about her subject, and was in fact very much alike my Mistress, which was kind of funny.
For once, I learned something new, which is always surprising and refreshing. Usually, I've already tried, heard about or seen most of the things people talk about, but this was specialised enough to have some new things in it. And it was very freeing to hear something other then "it's dangerous - don't do it" when it came to the safety aspects.
For my part, I learned two important things about myself, even though I went to the workshop with the full intention of being a practise dummy and nothing else. The first was that there's a very big difference for me, in my reactions, between being strangled and being suffocated. Suffocation triggers panic in a few seconds, and even though I obey and hold still, I tense up and it was obvious that Mistress could read me perfectly and had no trouble seeing how I felt. The control and domination aspects of suffocation is hot and I like it, but the physical sensation is panic, pure and simple. I like my oxygen, it's as simple as that.
Strangling however, is a different matter. That's mostly what we've been into at home too, Mistress having her hands around my throat and me getting that nice swoony, dizzy feeling. We tried out a few new techniques today, were to hold and how to put pressure were, and yes, I like that feeling. I get all hot in the face and my ears start to buzz and it feels like my eyes are about to pop out, and something about it just feels nice. Painful and terrifying too, definitely, but not panicky like suffocating. Sexy and hot and painful, scary in a titillating, butterflies-in-the-stomach way.
The other thing I learned about myself, and frightened the instructor a little bit with too, I think, is that in this situation I don't give a stop signal. I don't do that tap on the other person to tell them I'm about to faint. I just don't. I've actually trained ju-jutsu a long time ago, I know how to do it, it's not difficult. But in this context, with Mistress, other training kicks in, and I'm utterly incapable of telling "enough". I'm perfectly at ease with giving information about how I feel, I would probably also be able to signal that I'm about to faint if that's what I'm specifically instructed, but generally signaling when I want Mistress to stop? No, I can't do that.
And when the instructor was asked by Mistress to show a specific grip around my throat she tried it out, and let go right before I was about to pass out, saying that she was expecting a tap a bit before that. I mumbled something incoherently and felt a bit embarrassed - I'm obviously not used to do anything but follow along and obeying, even when a more or less complete stranger is strangling me with her bare hands. That was interesting to know, and definitely food for thoughts.
The other thing I'm going to take with me from this day (except for the marks on my neck from Mistress fingernails) is the moment when we all introduced ourselves to the group, and I could say: "Hi! I'm c, I belong to A" as way of introducing myself. I like that. I wish I could do that particular thing more often.
I actually emailed them the next day, asking if there were still places available (with a big smiley - of course there were, I bet I was first in line), and we paid for it as soon as we got confirmation. That was ages ago, but now it finally happened. In a way this is the start of my summer holidays - last exam three days ago, and my summer job doesn't start until July. This was a great way to kick off the summer.
We had the usual drama before finally making our escape - my dad was babysitting little S the whole day, and it was planned to be in his house, but my brother with wife and baby lives there too, and the baby, little S's cousin, got sick today, of course. Something like this always, always happens when we try to do something, especially if it is expensive and planned in advance... But dad could come to us instead, and we could get away.
I like that club. It's actually a local owned by a gay men organisation, and the small sister organisation hire it one Thursday every month, and for some special occasions. This was a joint effort from both organisations, and the instructor was a seasoned martial arts practitioner, who also had an obvious delight in any kind of breathplay. She was short and wiry and had a buzz cut and a steely gaze and talked very fast and very passionately about her subject, and was in fact very much alike my Mistress, which was kind of funny.
For once, I learned something new, which is always surprising and refreshing. Usually, I've already tried, heard about or seen most of the things people talk about, but this was specialised enough to have some new things in it. And it was very freeing to hear something other then "it's dangerous - don't do it" when it came to the safety aspects.
For my part, I learned two important things about myself, even though I went to the workshop with the full intention of being a practise dummy and nothing else. The first was that there's a very big difference for me, in my reactions, between being strangled and being suffocated. Suffocation triggers panic in a few seconds, and even though I obey and hold still, I tense up and it was obvious that Mistress could read me perfectly and had no trouble seeing how I felt. The control and domination aspects of suffocation is hot and I like it, but the physical sensation is panic, pure and simple. I like my oxygen, it's as simple as that.
Strangling however, is a different matter. That's mostly what we've been into at home too, Mistress having her hands around my throat and me getting that nice swoony, dizzy feeling. We tried out a few new techniques today, were to hold and how to put pressure were, and yes, I like that feeling. I get all hot in the face and my ears start to buzz and it feels like my eyes are about to pop out, and something about it just feels nice. Painful and terrifying too, definitely, but not panicky like suffocating. Sexy and hot and painful, scary in a titillating, butterflies-in-the-stomach way.
The other thing I learned about myself, and frightened the instructor a little bit with too, I think, is that in this situation I don't give a stop signal. I don't do that tap on the other person to tell them I'm about to faint. I just don't. I've actually trained ju-jutsu a long time ago, I know how to do it, it's not difficult. But in this context, with Mistress, other training kicks in, and I'm utterly incapable of telling "enough". I'm perfectly at ease with giving information about how I feel, I would probably also be able to signal that I'm about to faint if that's what I'm specifically instructed, but generally signaling when I want Mistress to stop? No, I can't do that.
And when the instructor was asked by Mistress to show a specific grip around my throat she tried it out, and let go right before I was about to pass out, saying that she was expecting a tap a bit before that. I mumbled something incoherently and felt a bit embarrassed - I'm obviously not used to do anything but follow along and obeying, even when a more or less complete stranger is strangling me with her bare hands. That was interesting to know, and definitely food for thoughts.
The other thing I'm going to take with me from this day (except for the marks on my neck from Mistress fingernails) is the moment when we all introduced ourselves to the group, and I could say: "Hi! I'm c, I belong to A" as way of introducing myself. I like that. I wish I could do that particular thing more often.
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