Longing and hope

I've become a bit wary lately, afraid of wanting her. Afraid of wanting to much, of being a burden and in the way. I've drawn back in order to not be pushy. Unfortunately, that's not a very positive strategy. We've drifted apart, in ways, and I think this wariness of mine is one of the reasons. Among the other reasons are the cause of my wariness, of course. But that's not my point right now.

My point right now is that I've more or less on purpose stopped thinking about how good we can be, how wonderful it can feel. I've stopped fantasizing and remembering, I've stopped lusting and hoping. I've tried to go day by day, happy for what I get, not yearning or craving or imagining anything more or else.

Doesn't it sound like a good, mindful, properly submissive attitude? The calm, accepting property only taking what is given and expecting nothing more. Very zen. And, for us, very much bullshit.

It hasn't shown as much because I've always been very willing when she has reached out to me. When she has taken initiative and done things to me, I've been enjoying it and appreciated it. But... I haven't let it get my hopes up, I haven't been willing to expose myself to the vulnerability of hope and longing and need. I've been shut down.

And even though it hasn't shown all that much when we've had sex, it has shown a lot in other ways. This blog, for instance. There's a reason I haven't written in it. I've tried not to want the things I write about here, and so I haven't been writing nor reading. I've avoided the feelings, because I've wanted to be a good wife, a good partner, a reliable person to my wife. And remembering how it feels to be owned, how it feels to be safe, how it feels to be wanted and lusted for and dominated - it has made me upset, and sad, and bitter, and longing and filled with emotions of all kinds. Emotions that makes me demanding and dramatic and not at all stable and reliable. So I've avoided it.

Ah well. That was a bit cowardly and rather pointless.

I'm going to try to dare to come back to this place, and to all those feelings. I'm no good to anyone shut down and distant.




I remember when we where at an event for pony play and she harnessed me and we played in a sanded fenced in area. I was her horse and obeyed her commands, she was my trainer. I was completely present and aware, and safe, and I felt her pride over me deep down in my heart.

I don't want to not remember things like that. I want to be aware of them, and long for more of them. Even if it hurts sometimes.

All deep thought postponed until further notice

I was going to write something insightful and astounding today. Possibly something about the pony play-experience, or my angst over not being in school or employed or even home with the kid and what does that make me? (Oh My God! I'm useless! What am I good for? I'm a lazy good-for-nothing! and so on and so forth.) Or maybe about... something else important.

However, I got a migraine yesterday afternoon, and now my brain is mush. I still have a headache and I'm nauseas and I don't want to do anything but sit perfectly still. Or possibly sleep, except I'm not sleepy. So no profound thoughts today.

We're leaving for my in-laws cabin by the sea tomorrow, celebrating Midsummer and having a mini-vacation. I'm supposed to be packing. All I've done so far is putting little S's life jacket on the comfy chair, together with her bathing suit and four squirt guns. I'm not sure that really constitutes packing. At all, actually. Oh well. 

Things you do for your health...

I've had an amazing weekend, in all manners of ways. My head is a bit frazzled at the moment, so I'll settle for listing all the things I've done that has been very, very good for my to-high blood pressure. I'm going to the doc to have it re-checked on Tuesday, so this was all very important activities from a health perspective. (That's totally why we did them, I promise...)

1. Meditating on Power Animals and having a lovely visit from an imaginary badger, who promised me that it will all be al right.
2. Talking with my friend I. about important and non-important things and simply enjoying the company. 
3. Relaxing with my head in Mistress lap and being stroked and petted absent-mindedly while surrounded by beautiful human ponies with friends and trainers.
4. Being a pony for Mistress for the first time, with a lovely borrowed bridle and trotting and cantering for her in a paddock.
5. Getting a good whipping with our new riding crop.
6. And finally getting fucked well and good, with everything feeling just perfectly right and as it should be.