I left with little S after breakfast this morning and we came home again in the afternoon. It's a fact of life in our family that we all actually have a better time if we split up. It's sad and not at all how we thought it would be to be parents, but it is what it is. We do things all three of us every now and then but we need a lot of time apart too.
So in a way it's been a really good day, little S and I had a good outing and now she and Mistress are playing downstairs before bedtime and I'm relaxing upstairs. I think the little one has had a good day, and both me and Mistress has gotten time on our own and a chance to rest and recuperate. What we haven't got is anytime together.
We said a brief good morning before breakfast, but we can't have any normal grown up conversations over the meal or around it. And when we came home we pretty much changed shifts at the car. Mistress stayed outside and played and I went inside and rested. Before bed I'll watch a video with little S in bed and tonight it's my turn to read the bedtime story.
When little S is asleep, it's our time, we can be grown ups for an hour or so, and say anything we need to say. Cuddle and hang out and possibly doing something sexy or kinky. But we go to bed at around ten, and we would even if we didn't have to go to work or school because little S always wake up early and can't abide one minute without a parent.
One way to look at it is of course that we have a spoiled kid, that if we just raised her better she would be able to let other people finish a conversation uniterrupted or stand that her parents hug each other. Another view is that she's perfectly normal and behaves like every six year old and that the idea that parents would be able to exchange a sentence during a day together is asking for too much (that's my mothers' view, by the way).
I honestly don't think there's all that much we can do differently, without resorting to threats or physical violence. We've tried a lot of different tactics and I'm pretty convinced little S does everything she can to please us and do what we want her to do. I also don't think she's exactly like every other kid on the planet. I've seen the other kids, and even more, I've talked to their parents. They can do stuff we can't, without even thinking about it.
I do think we have an intense kid with a high need for social interaction and with a low impulse control for her age. She's all over the place and need a lot of time and attention in order to manage ordinary everyday things. If we don't support her, her anxiety levels goes through the roof. She's also really smart, kind, sweet, a good friend, has a great imagination, she's brave and caring and wonderful in many ways. But... no. She's not like most kids.
And that means that we can't do things many parents, many families, can. Get five minutes, or even one minute, alone together during a day, being the one we miss the most. We need to arrange things, make sure we get that time, because it doesn't just happen.
On the other hand this spring we went on a trip to Iceland and we rode Icelandic horses all three of us. Little S rode on a horse on her own, trotting and galopping and climbing the rocks and wading the rivers just like the adults. She had better control over her horse than most of the adult tourists on the tour. There's things we can't do, but there's a lot of things we can do and do that other families wouldn't. I don't want to change her a bit. I just want her to go to sleep soon so that I can cuddle with her other mother...
Showing posts with label travel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label travel. Show all posts
Jan 24, 2016
Mar 11, 2014
Questions 5! Travels and politics.
How do you think we in the US can get a good health care system like Sweden and other evolved countries have?
Well, my knowledge about the US health care system stems from such reliable sources as "E.R" and "Grey's Anatomy", so it might be that I'm not really in possession of all the facts. But off the top of my head I'd say tax funded health care for everyone in the country.
Skip this insurance stuff and pay for it with tax money and agree that everybody is a person, that a society that leaves people dying from treatable illnesses because they're poor is a rather crappy society, and that everybody benefits from some basic things like school and health care being accessible to everyone.
Oh, and this "mal practice suit"-thingy where doctors and hospital administrators go around being afraid of being sued for crazy amounts of money seems really strange to me too. Again, I'm not sure if I have it right, but if I have the right idea about it, it seems really really ineffective.
In Sweden you file a complaint to the proper authorities and they investigate and if someone's been maltreated the doctor can lose his or her license and employment, and if there's something wrong with hospital procedure's they are forced to change them. But the hospital doesn't have to spend millions of tax money on insurance against being sued or paying off people who has complains. But then again, our health care are tax funded, not businesses, I guess that makes a difference.
On the other hand, the last eight years the (right wing) government has made a lot of changes to our health care system, which for one thing has led to hospitals and other health care facilities starting to act like businesses, and venture capitalists getting revenue from them, that is tax money going to off shore accounts belonging to already wealthy businessmen. I can't wrap my head around how anyone could think that would be a good idea, but obviously more than half of the Swedish population did, because they voted for them (twice, as a matter of fact).
Would you ever like to move to another country?
If I would, it would be to Scotland. I could easily imagine living in Scotland, and Mistress was actually about to apply for a job in a town called Pitlochry in the Highlands a couple of years ago. It didn't come to anything, but we could definitely move there, if the circumstances were right. But I have no drive to move abroad just for the sake of it, no. I like Sweden, and if I would want to move it would have to be because the other place has something really good to offer in terms of quality of life one way or the other. (But Mistress is where my home is - she could take me anywhere in the world and I'd gladly follow her. Not likely though, since I think she likes it just fine here.)
It pisses me off though that there's a lot of places in the world I wouldn't dare move to with my family because we wouldn't be welcome. It's not as if we could go to Russia anytime soon, for example. Not that I would want to, particularly, but it sucks that we can't.Or almost anywhere in Africa, and big parts of Asia.
My father is something of a globetrotter, and he rubs me the wrong way sometimes with making light of how easy it is to fit in and "when in Rome" and so on. It's easy for him to say, as an older white male. He belongs to the most privileged demographic on the planet - for him going to Togo, West Africa for a month isn't really the same thing as if me and Mistress would do it. But I don't think he realises that, and it bugs me at times.
Have you been to visit the US or would you like to some day?
I've never been, but I would love to. Ever since I read a blog where a thirty-something Swedish writer described how she rented an apartment in New York for a month and vacationed there with her husband and their two little kids I've been thinking we should do the same. I'd love to have a kid-friendly place to stay and then explore things in a slow pace, not running around rushing things but going into it with a kids eyes, going back to favourite places as much as we'd like, just enjoying the place and the rythm and the experience of making a everyday living somewhere else. That's a dream vacation of mine.
Another dream place to visit is San Fransisco, not the least because of it's gay history. And redwood trees. I'd love to see redwoods. I also have a cousin who lives with his wifes and two teenage girls in Alaska, and I'd love to go there. My mom went there last year, and I was insanely jealous of her. I want to see grizzly bears! Or not, as the case may be. She didn't, actually, and she described how she and my cousin had been out with the car somewhere and he'd said something about there being a risk of grizzly's being around and she'd been all "oh, a chance to see one you mean?".
Well, my knowledge about the US health care system stems from such reliable sources as "E.R" and "Grey's Anatomy", so it might be that I'm not really in possession of all the facts. But off the top of my head I'd say tax funded health care for everyone in the country.
Skip this insurance stuff and pay for it with tax money and agree that everybody is a person, that a society that leaves people dying from treatable illnesses because they're poor is a rather crappy society, and that everybody benefits from some basic things like school and health care being accessible to everyone.
Oh, and this "mal practice suit"-thingy where doctors and hospital administrators go around being afraid of being sued for crazy amounts of money seems really strange to me too. Again, I'm not sure if I have it right, but if I have the right idea about it, it seems really really ineffective.
In Sweden you file a complaint to the proper authorities and they investigate and if someone's been maltreated the doctor can lose his or her license and employment, and if there's something wrong with hospital procedure's they are forced to change them. But the hospital doesn't have to spend millions of tax money on insurance against being sued or paying off people who has complains. But then again, our health care are tax funded, not businesses, I guess that makes a difference.
On the other hand, the last eight years the (right wing) government has made a lot of changes to our health care system, which for one thing has led to hospitals and other health care facilities starting to act like businesses, and venture capitalists getting revenue from them, that is tax money going to off shore accounts belonging to already wealthy businessmen. I can't wrap my head around how anyone could think that would be a good idea, but obviously more than half of the Swedish population did, because they voted for them (twice, as a matter of fact).
Would you ever like to move to another country?
If I would, it would be to Scotland. I could easily imagine living in Scotland, and Mistress was actually about to apply for a job in a town called Pitlochry in the Highlands a couple of years ago. It didn't come to anything, but we could definitely move there, if the circumstances were right. But I have no drive to move abroad just for the sake of it, no. I like Sweden, and if I would want to move it would have to be because the other place has something really good to offer in terms of quality of life one way or the other. (But Mistress is where my home is - she could take me anywhere in the world and I'd gladly follow her. Not likely though, since I think she likes it just fine here.)
It pisses me off though that there's a lot of places in the world I wouldn't dare move to with my family because we wouldn't be welcome. It's not as if we could go to Russia anytime soon, for example. Not that I would want to, particularly, but it sucks that we can't.Or almost anywhere in Africa, and big parts of Asia.
My father is something of a globetrotter, and he rubs me the wrong way sometimes with making light of how easy it is to fit in and "when in Rome" and so on. It's easy for him to say, as an older white male. He belongs to the most privileged demographic on the planet - for him going to Togo, West Africa for a month isn't really the same thing as if me and Mistress would do it. But I don't think he realises that, and it bugs me at times.
Have you been to visit the US or would you like to some day?
I've never been, but I would love to. Ever since I read a blog where a thirty-something Swedish writer described how she rented an apartment in New York for a month and vacationed there with her husband and their two little kids I've been thinking we should do the same. I'd love to have a kid-friendly place to stay and then explore things in a slow pace, not running around rushing things but going into it with a kids eyes, going back to favourite places as much as we'd like, just enjoying the place and the rythm and the experience of making a everyday living somewhere else. That's a dream vacation of mine.
Another dream place to visit is San Fransisco, not the least because of it's gay history. And redwood trees. I'd love to see redwoods. I also have a cousin who lives with his wifes and two teenage girls in Alaska, and I'd love to go there. My mom went there last year, and I was insanely jealous of her. I want to see grizzly bears! Or not, as the case may be. She didn't, actually, and she described how she and my cousin had been out with the car somewhere and he'd said something about there being a risk of grizzly's being around and she'd been all "oh, a chance to see one you mean?".
Feb 26, 2014
The trip, the babysitter and general ickyness
Okay, so we went to bed with an unresolved horrible argument over our heads. When I woke up, Mistress was with little S, and we didn't get very much time alone all day. And we had a decision to make. Should Mistress go, or should she stay?
If she went, I would be alone with our sick daughter while down with the flu. We wouldn't die of starvation, I wouldn't neglect the kid and I would be able to call for an ambulance if needed. But it was easy to envision two rather grim, taxing days, and the emotional ramifications afterwards for me would probably be rather severe (meaning I would be exhausted, depressed and pissed off for quite some time).
She could stay home, of course. If someone had said to her a month ago "oh, by the way, that meeting? Both your wife and your kid are going to be pretty sick that week, just so you know" she would have said "Hell no!" and cancelled. But this wasn't a month earlier. This was the day the meeting started, and it was a start-up thing for a project four years ahead. If she wants a face to the people she's going to be emaling for the coming four years, she better be there. She wouldn't have planned on going at all in the first place if it wasn't important.
Or we could ask her parents to babysit for us. My mom doesn't have the health for it right now, and my dad's out of town. But her parents could - if I hadn't had the flu. Because grandpa eats immune-suppressing medicine, hanging around with my viruses would be a bad idea. They're immune to chickenpox, though, so they could take little S to their place for two days. Great, I would get to rest, Mistress could go to the meeting, and little S would be taken care of. Except that little S herself cried her eyes out at the thought of it and refused to go anywhere without at least one of her mummies (preferably both). Understandable, since we went to Paris for two days without her last week, and she's itchy all over on top of that.
So we had three solutions that each one was great for two of us and really bad for the third. No compromises, no way of softening the blow. Someone would have to suffer. And we were desperately unhappy, with unresolved issues hanging over our heads, and all thinking or talking was accompanied by incessant whining from the itchy, miserable four-year-old.
As usual, grandma came through for us in our darkest moment. She telephoned and asked if she should come alone, and stay at our place 'til the day Mistress was coming home. That way grandpa wouldn't get sick, I wouldn't be left alone with the responsibility, and little S wouldn't have to leave her mommies or her home.
So in the end, Mistress went, I'm sick in bed, and little S is miserable, itchy and whiny in the living room with grandma. About every thirty minutes she makes a dash for the bedroom door crying for me, and my heart brakes. I've been up and about a few times, and even when I feel almost fine laying in bed after 30 minutes of sitting up and socialising I'm about to keel over, sweating and dizzy. Not all better yet, no.
I'm trying to console myself with that she's not really happier when I'm with her, she's miserable from the chickenpox and there's nothing I can do. Of course she prefers me from grandma, but she knows and loves grandma. She just wants me too, and I want to be with her also. But right now, I just want this horrible sick feeling to go away. I'm not to fond of anything right now, to be honest. Everything seems rather horrid.
If she went, I would be alone with our sick daughter while down with the flu. We wouldn't die of starvation, I wouldn't neglect the kid and I would be able to call for an ambulance if needed. But it was easy to envision two rather grim, taxing days, and the emotional ramifications afterwards for me would probably be rather severe (meaning I would be exhausted, depressed and pissed off for quite some time).
She could stay home, of course. If someone had said to her a month ago "oh, by the way, that meeting? Both your wife and your kid are going to be pretty sick that week, just so you know" she would have said "Hell no!" and cancelled. But this wasn't a month earlier. This was the day the meeting started, and it was a start-up thing for a project four years ahead. If she wants a face to the people she's going to be emaling for the coming four years, she better be there. She wouldn't have planned on going at all in the first place if it wasn't important.
Or we could ask her parents to babysit for us. My mom doesn't have the health for it right now, and my dad's out of town. But her parents could - if I hadn't had the flu. Because grandpa eats immune-suppressing medicine, hanging around with my viruses would be a bad idea. They're immune to chickenpox, though, so they could take little S to their place for two days. Great, I would get to rest, Mistress could go to the meeting, and little S would be taken care of. Except that little S herself cried her eyes out at the thought of it and refused to go anywhere without at least one of her mummies (preferably both). Understandable, since we went to Paris for two days without her last week, and she's itchy all over on top of that.
So we had three solutions that each one was great for two of us and really bad for the third. No compromises, no way of softening the blow. Someone would have to suffer. And we were desperately unhappy, with unresolved issues hanging over our heads, and all thinking or talking was accompanied by incessant whining from the itchy, miserable four-year-old.
As usual, grandma came through for us in our darkest moment. She telephoned and asked if she should come alone, and stay at our place 'til the day Mistress was coming home. That way grandpa wouldn't get sick, I wouldn't be left alone with the responsibility, and little S wouldn't have to leave her mommies or her home.
So in the end, Mistress went, I'm sick in bed, and little S is miserable, itchy and whiny in the living room with grandma. About every thirty minutes she makes a dash for the bedroom door crying for me, and my heart brakes. I've been up and about a few times, and even when I feel almost fine laying in bed after 30 minutes of sitting up and socialising I'm about to keel over, sweating and dizzy. Not all better yet, no.
I'm trying to console myself with that she's not really happier when I'm with her, she's miserable from the chickenpox and there's nothing I can do. Of course she prefers me from grandma, but she knows and loves grandma. She just wants me too, and I want to be with her also. But right now, I just want this horrible sick feeling to go away. I'm not to fond of anything right now, to be honest. Everything seems rather horrid.
Hurts to much to even be funny
We didn't really fix it that night. We tried, we tried getting close to eachother without causing more damage. We tried to find some common ground. But it's hard, when we're both hypersensitive and hurting.
To me, she was punishing me for being ill, she was confirming my fear that my weakness made me unworthy of her love, she was kicking me when I was on the ground, and there was nothing I could do that would make me good enough for her. She didn't love me anymore because I was sick and weak and useless, and all I should do was shut up and accept it. It broke my heart, but I couldn't find any other explanation. That was the truth as I saw it that night, and everything she said and everything she did was filtered through that view of reality.
What did she see? I don't know, exactly, but when we talked about it on the phone yesterday I got the feeling it was something eerily similar to what I saw, but turned the other way around. That I was punishing her, drawing my love from her, for going away. That I only said that it was okay that she went, but if she did I would not love her anymore. Or something. And of course, that there was a set of magic "right questions" that she had to ask to make me alright again, and I wouldn't tell her what they were but if she didn't ask them I would leave her.
When we're both deadly afraid of losing the other's love, when we're both feeling ashamed and not good enough, we both want the others' love and assurance. But we're not capable of giving it, and so it ends in despair and heartache and martyrdom. We both love eachother to death, and we're sitting a metre away from eachother, grieving the loss of the others' love.
To me, she was punishing me for being ill, she was confirming my fear that my weakness made me unworthy of her love, she was kicking me when I was on the ground, and there was nothing I could do that would make me good enough for her. She didn't love me anymore because I was sick and weak and useless, and all I should do was shut up and accept it. It broke my heart, but I couldn't find any other explanation. That was the truth as I saw it that night, and everything she said and everything she did was filtered through that view of reality.
What did she see? I don't know, exactly, but when we talked about it on the phone yesterday I got the feeling it was something eerily similar to what I saw, but turned the other way around. That I was punishing her, drawing my love from her, for going away. That I only said that it was okay that she went, but if she did I would not love her anymore. Or something. And of course, that there was a set of magic "right questions" that she had to ask to make me alright again, and I wouldn't tell her what they were but if she didn't ask them I would leave her.
When we're both deadly afraid of losing the other's love, when we're both feeling ashamed and not good enough, we both want the others' love and assurance. But we're not capable of giving it, and so it ends in despair and heartache and martyrdom. We both love eachother to death, and we're sitting a metre away from eachother, grieving the loss of the others' love.
Feb 25, 2014
General misery
Yesterday we had this huge breakdown and fight, with both of us feeling betrayed and pissed off and misunderstood and panicky. I hate when that happens.
At one point, just before I went to bed, I was on the toilet, trying to pee, but instead rocking back and forth in despair, crying soundlessly and hardly able to breath from heartache. It was the most miserable I have been in years, my brain was in some sort of panicky, primal state where everything is gone except misery.
Right now Mistress is in Tallinn, Estonia. Little S is in bed covered in chickenpox. I have the flu. The state of our little family is rather pitiful at the moment.
But we skyped just now, and talked for almost an hour about what went wrong yesterday. Apparently, Mistress assumes I will tell her without prompting if my cold develops into the flu with high fever, even if she's to busy to actually ask how I'm feeling. The fact that I assumes that if she wanted to know how I was she would ask doesn't exactly help, though. There might have been a slight misunderstanding regarding this, yesterday.
Right now, I'm going to obey orders and go to bed. I miss her.
I miss her.
I miss her.
I miss her.
At one point, just before I went to bed, I was on the toilet, trying to pee, but instead rocking back and forth in despair, crying soundlessly and hardly able to breath from heartache. It was the most miserable I have been in years, my brain was in some sort of panicky, primal state where everything is gone except misery.
Right now Mistress is in Tallinn, Estonia. Little S is in bed covered in chickenpox. I have the flu. The state of our little family is rather pitiful at the moment.
But we skyped just now, and talked for almost an hour about what went wrong yesterday. Apparently, Mistress assumes I will tell her without prompting if my cold develops into the flu with high fever, even if she's to busy to actually ask how I'm feeling. The fact that I assumes that if she wanted to know how I was she would ask doesn't exactly help, though. There might have been a slight misunderstanding regarding this, yesterday.
Right now, I'm going to obey orders and go to bed. I miss her.
I miss her.
I miss her.
I miss her.
Feb 22, 2014
A trip to Paris
We went to Paris. Can you imagine? I got to see Paris.
We haven't been there all of Febuary, there's no neat excuse for me not updating for three weeks. It's just like that sometimes, I get quite and can't form words. And then I snap out of it and start writing again.
But anyway, we went to Paris. Mistress had a meeting, and I got to tag along. We flew there from Stockholm Wednesday, and home again yesterday, and stayed two nights at a hotel, while Mistress' parents babysat. Two nights is not a long time to spend in a big city, but it's a rather long time for little S to be without her mommies, so it felt like an okay compromise. Anyway, Mistress is travelling again on Tuesday, so if we had stayed any longer she would barely gotten through the door before it was time to leave again.
I like tagging along to Mistresss work-functions. I get to play the role of acconmpanying wife, and I'm rather good at it, for short bursts of time. I'm good at mingling and making acquaintances, and I actually enjoy meeting her colleagues and chatting about work and travels and all kinds of things.
But mostly, I just like beeing with her. I don't want to be left at home, I want to be where she is. She is my home. Anywhere in the world is okay, as long as we're there together. (Well, except maybe Helsinki. We had a terrible time when she had a meeting in Helsinki and I went along. But I could probably be happy there too, just as long as I could be with her, and we could cook our own food and didn't have to rely on Finnish restaurants...)
This trip, I got to see the Louvre. And Notre Dame. And the zoo at the Jardin des Plantes. And I got to walk along the Seines and drink red wine to lunch (and get tsked at by the waiter for answering "oui" when he asked if I wanted ketchup to my fries). I liked Paris. I want to go back there, someday.
I also like being home again, with our own bed and our kitchen and most of all, our adorable four-year-old. It's good to have a family. It's good to be missed when away.
We haven't been there all of Febuary, there's no neat excuse for me not updating for three weeks. It's just like that sometimes, I get quite and can't form words. And then I snap out of it and start writing again.
But anyway, we went to Paris. Mistress had a meeting, and I got to tag along. We flew there from Stockholm Wednesday, and home again yesterday, and stayed two nights at a hotel, while Mistress' parents babysat. Two nights is not a long time to spend in a big city, but it's a rather long time for little S to be without her mommies, so it felt like an okay compromise. Anyway, Mistress is travelling again on Tuesday, so if we had stayed any longer she would barely gotten through the door before it was time to leave again.
I like tagging along to Mistresss work-functions. I get to play the role of acconmpanying wife, and I'm rather good at it, for short bursts of time. I'm good at mingling and making acquaintances, and I actually enjoy meeting her colleagues and chatting about work and travels and all kinds of things.
But mostly, I just like beeing with her. I don't want to be left at home, I want to be where she is. She is my home. Anywhere in the world is okay, as long as we're there together. (Well, except maybe Helsinki. We had a terrible time when she had a meeting in Helsinki and I went along. But I could probably be happy there too, just as long as I could be with her, and we could cook our own food and didn't have to rely on Finnish restaurants...)
This trip, I got to see the Louvre. And Notre Dame. And the zoo at the Jardin des Plantes. And I got to walk along the Seines and drink red wine to lunch (and get tsked at by the waiter for answering "oui" when he asked if I wanted ketchup to my fries). I liked Paris. I want to go back there, someday.
I also like being home again, with our own bed and our kitchen and most of all, our adorable four-year-old. It's good to have a family. It's good to be missed when away.
Jan 27, 2014
Life in general
I kind of fell off the interwebz during the Holidays. And a bit longer. I need silence to order my thoughts, and there's been a lot going on. Mostly just that Mistress was on vacation from work and little S was home, so I didn't need my computer to keep me company.
Today Mistress flew to Copenhagen for work, she'll be back Wednesday. I'm lost and confused as usual when she's away, but not as angsty as I used to be. I'm healthier now, I have more energy and recuperate a lot faster than before when I do get exhausted, so I'm not as scared to be alone. It still sucks, though.
In general my life is awesome. I might get a job offer this week, I was interviewed for a position last week. If I get it, my awesome life will change tremendously. If I don't get it, it will go on as before with the important difference that I'll be more aware of how awesome it really is and how much I'll appreciate it. Whether I get this job or not, being home like I am now and having this much time to myself is a short interlude in my life, a rare treat, and I'll savour it while it lasts.
Today Mistress flew to Copenhagen for work, she'll be back Wednesday. I'm lost and confused as usual when she's away, but not as angsty as I used to be. I'm healthier now, I have more energy and recuperate a lot faster than before when I do get exhausted, so I'm not as scared to be alone. It still sucks, though.
In general my life is awesome. I might get a job offer this week, I was interviewed for a position last week. If I get it, my awesome life will change tremendously. If I don't get it, it will go on as before with the important difference that I'll be more aware of how awesome it really is and how much I'll appreciate it. Whether I get this job or not, being home like I am now and having this much time to myself is a short interlude in my life, a rare treat, and I'll savour it while it lasts.
Nov 25, 2013
Resolve
Mistress is going away again, for two nights this week. I'm okay with it, even though I don't like it of course. I have a very clear and unambiguous order for the three days she's gone: Be in better shape when she returns!
I've had a depression setback in November - it's dark, I have an never-ending cold and noone is calling back to my job applications. Unfortunately, the strategies I unconsciously applied to solve these issues only made them worse. I tried to ruminate and worry, which never works and just make me feel yucky, and then I had a lot of guilt and bad conscience that drove me to do a lot of presumably good stuff like cleaning and things; only when it's done out of guilt it never ends well. In the end, my brain started going the old depression route again, and Mistress picked up on it because I started to snap and snarl at her a lot.
I do that - when I get depressed and stressed out and angsty, the mere effort of holding a conversation or eating breakfast feels like to much, and I start lashing out. Not all that much, I usually bites my tongue, but Mistress notices and it makes her grumpy in return, which all to often ends in arguing and bickering and general misery.
So. No more rumination or guilt trips. No compensating and trying to be a "good girl" just because I feel like a shitty one. Back to meditating regularly (wich I haven't been doing), walking and going to the gym, lunching with friends and generally doing all the things that I know makes me feel better, instead of things I'm driven to just to avoid feeling bad. Because that's not the same thing.
But I'll miss her. Like crazy.
I've had a depression setback in November - it's dark, I have an never-ending cold and noone is calling back to my job applications. Unfortunately, the strategies I unconsciously applied to solve these issues only made them worse. I tried to ruminate and worry, which never works and just make me feel yucky, and then I had a lot of guilt and bad conscience that drove me to do a lot of presumably good stuff like cleaning and things; only when it's done out of guilt it never ends well. In the end, my brain started going the old depression route again, and Mistress picked up on it because I started to snap and snarl at her a lot.
I do that - when I get depressed and stressed out and angsty, the mere effort of holding a conversation or eating breakfast feels like to much, and I start lashing out. Not all that much, I usually bites my tongue, but Mistress notices and it makes her grumpy in return, which all to often ends in arguing and bickering and general misery.
So. No more rumination or guilt trips. No compensating and trying to be a "good girl" just because I feel like a shitty one. Back to meditating regularly (wich I haven't been doing), walking and going to the gym, lunching with friends and generally doing all the things that I know makes me feel better, instead of things I'm driven to just to avoid feeling bad. Because that's not the same thing.
But I'll miss her. Like crazy.
Oct 16, 2013
A better day
It's funny what a difference it did that we talked a bit on webcam this morning. Little S seemed happy too, even though it's a little bit strange with mommy on the computer and not in hugging distance. And for me it ment that the day seemed somehow normal. I could start my day with her, and just now we talked a bit again, and somehow anchoring my day with Mistress in the beginning and the end of it, everything feels more like it should be.
Half is done now. Friday she'll be back.
Half is done now. Friday she'll be back.
Jul 29, 2012
The standard treatment
It's good to be away, and it's good to come home, We went to my inlaws cabin by the sea again, and it was exactly what I needed. A lot of sleep, and a lot of sea and trees and blueberrypicking. When I needed a rest, I could take it, but when I got bored, there were my family, just outside the door, doing something silly and inviting me to join in. We bathed in the sea, we went out in the canoe, we went to a sandy beach, we went to a fair, and we walked the dogs a lot. I think I fell a little back in love with both of them, both the two-year-old and the forty-two-year-old. I have amazing darlings!
And when we left home five days ago the depression was... depressing. Opressing. I was weighed down, and most prominent was the obvious lack of joy. I had no happy. No happy feelings, nothing was fun, nothing was enjoyable. I did a lot of things that I usually like doing, and it did nothing for me.
But I kept on doing them. And today, I actually felt happy for a moment. I think maybe I did yesterday too. The trick is to keep bombarding my stagnant brain with things it has to react to, and keep doing things that usually brings joy, even if I don't feel any, and eventually, it will come back to me. I know it will. My textbooks says so... And I've decided to believe that I will function like most people, and that the standard treatment of depression will work on me too.
Behavioural activation, it's called. That, and Citalopram. I'm doing both.
And everytime I get snappy with Mistress, she says it's the meds. She might very well be right, too.
And when we left home five days ago the depression was... depressing. Opressing. I was weighed down, and most prominent was the obvious lack of joy. I had no happy. No happy feelings, nothing was fun, nothing was enjoyable. I did a lot of things that I usually like doing, and it did nothing for me.
But I kept on doing them. And today, I actually felt happy for a moment. I think maybe I did yesterday too. The trick is to keep bombarding my stagnant brain with things it has to react to, and keep doing things that usually brings joy, even if I don't feel any, and eventually, it will come back to me. I know it will. My textbooks says so... And I've decided to believe that I will function like most people, and that the standard treatment of depression will work on me too.
Behavioural activation, it's called. That, and Citalopram. I'm doing both.
And everytime I get snappy with Mistress, she says it's the meds. She might very well be right, too.
May 11, 2012
Edinburgh!
Being without Mistress for two days makes me realise, for the gazillionth time, how much I depend on her. How I miss her when she's gone. Her being away makes my world slightly off kilter, as if everything could begin rolling away as on a sloping floor at any time. It's just wrong.
Especially at bedtimes. It's kind of sad, and very symbolic of our current parenting-centered life, that the highlight of each day is cuddling up together in our bed, going to sleep. Putting on my own dog collar, cuddling a mere stuffed toy, is not an ok substitute.
But then I did something incredibly brave. Brave, because I was deadly afraid of doing it, and did it anyway. I flew from our town in Sweden to Edinburgh, Scotland, all by myself, with a transfer at Heathrow. I left home for the bus in to town by 8.30, and then followed train to the airport, airplane to Heathrow, airplane to Edinburgh and finally bus to meet Mistress in City Centre. We met in a very cold and rainy street surrounded by construction sites at around 17.30 local time, which ment 18.30 for my internal clock. It was a long, long day.
I mean, apart for me worrying about stuff, running around in circles, and hurrying through everything everywhere for fear of being late, ending up sitting at airport gates waiting forever to board the plane, everything went fine. I got through every security check, including having my photo taken at two different locations at Heathrow, having my bag swiped for explosives, getting frisked after beeping in the metal detector (even though I've taken off not only my belt but also my shoes), and showing my passport no less than four times total at the Swedish airport.
At none of those checks was I declared a terrorist. Which is reasonable, because I'm not, but I'm thinking that the more checks you do, the higher the risk for a false positive - if you do enough checks, eventually everyone will be busted for something, by chance or technical malfunction, purely for statistical reasons.
Actually, the only trouble that directly concerned me (there was a man who fell ill because of low blood pressure on the flight to Heathrow, but he quickly recovered) happened after landing. Mistress' phone didn't receive my texts, so when I arrived at City Centre, she wasn't waiting for me, and instead I ended up in the drizzling rain, hiding out in a roofed doorway without a cap or an umbrella, while we tried to connect and find each other. But the mere fact that we were on the same soil, that there weren't any oceans or hundreds of miles between us, made me calm. I knew she would come, I knew she would find me in this strange, rainy city, and she did.
We went to her hotel, checked me in, had a hot shower, and eventually simply went downstairs and ate what the receptionist found in their freezer (we think). I had a lovely chicken tikka masala, Mistress had spinach cannelloni, and we got complimentary garlic bread. Then we went upstairs, crawled in to bed, tried to watch a stupid movie on the flat screen tv (it is a flat screen. It is also very narrow, and short. One might simply call it petite all around...), and fell asleep.
But in the morning we woke up to a whole new day, and the slow morning cuddle turned in to her fucking me, until we've orgasmed twice and lay panting on the bed. It was so so good to be together again. I can barely stand it when we're apart.
She's working now, holding a lecture at the conference she's attending, but when she's done we'll go out for lunch. I've been shopping in the morning and had my third shower since I arrived. It's freezing outside, the hotel hasn't got double glazed windows, and everything is damp. Showers are a good way to get warm after being chilled.
I'm in love with the city of Edinburgh. I'm starting to think that one of my life goals is to move here, sometime, even for only a short period. I've visited Scotland three times, and every time when the plane descend at the airport, it is the same feeling - of coming home. I can't explain it, but I do feel it, and somehow I love that there is more than one place on earth that can give me that feeling. Even if the other one is a rainy peninsula that I've only ever visited for short periods as a tourist.
Especially at bedtimes. It's kind of sad, and very symbolic of our current parenting-centered life, that the highlight of each day is cuddling up together in our bed, going to sleep. Putting on my own dog collar, cuddling a mere stuffed toy, is not an ok substitute.
But then I did something incredibly brave. Brave, because I was deadly afraid of doing it, and did it anyway. I flew from our town in Sweden to Edinburgh, Scotland, all by myself, with a transfer at Heathrow. I left home for the bus in to town by 8.30, and then followed train to the airport, airplane to Heathrow, airplane to Edinburgh and finally bus to meet Mistress in City Centre. We met in a very cold and rainy street surrounded by construction sites at around 17.30 local time, which ment 18.30 for my internal clock. It was a long, long day.
I mean, apart for me worrying about stuff, running around in circles, and hurrying through everything everywhere for fear of being late, ending up sitting at airport gates waiting forever to board the plane, everything went fine. I got through every security check, including having my photo taken at two different locations at Heathrow, having my bag swiped for explosives, getting frisked after beeping in the metal detector (even though I've taken off not only my belt but also my shoes), and showing my passport no less than four times total at the Swedish airport.
At none of those checks was I declared a terrorist. Which is reasonable, because I'm not, but I'm thinking that the more checks you do, the higher the risk for a false positive - if you do enough checks, eventually everyone will be busted for something, by chance or technical malfunction, purely for statistical reasons.
Actually, the only trouble that directly concerned me (there was a man who fell ill because of low blood pressure on the flight to Heathrow, but he quickly recovered) happened after landing. Mistress' phone didn't receive my texts, so when I arrived at City Centre, she wasn't waiting for me, and instead I ended up in the drizzling rain, hiding out in a roofed doorway without a cap or an umbrella, while we tried to connect and find each other. But the mere fact that we were on the same soil, that there weren't any oceans or hundreds of miles between us, made me calm. I knew she would come, I knew she would find me in this strange, rainy city, and she did.
We went to her hotel, checked me in, had a hot shower, and eventually simply went downstairs and ate what the receptionist found in their freezer (we think). I had a lovely chicken tikka masala, Mistress had spinach cannelloni, and we got complimentary garlic bread. Then we went upstairs, crawled in to bed, tried to watch a stupid movie on the flat screen tv (it is a flat screen. It is also very narrow, and short. One might simply call it petite all around...), and fell asleep.
But in the morning we woke up to a whole new day, and the slow morning cuddle turned in to her fucking me, until we've orgasmed twice and lay panting on the bed. It was so so good to be together again. I can barely stand it when we're apart.
She's working now, holding a lecture at the conference she's attending, but when she's done we'll go out for lunch. I've been shopping in the morning and had my third shower since I arrived. It's freezing outside, the hotel hasn't got double glazed windows, and everything is damp. Showers are a good way to get warm after being chilled.
I'm in love with the city of Edinburgh. I'm starting to think that one of my life goals is to move here, sometime, even for only a short period. I've visited Scotland three times, and every time when the plane descend at the airport, it is the same feeling - of coming home. I can't explain it, but I do feel it, and somehow I love that there is more than one place on earth that can give me that feeling. Even if the other one is a rainy peninsula that I've only ever visited for short periods as a tourist.
May 7, 2012
Time for a trip (and more sickness)
I'm sick again, have been since Saturday. I think I've coped rather well, actually, until today, keeping my mood up while not overexerting myself. But today I'm sinking. I feel ashamed about being like this, nervous about how Mistress is reacting to me, and disappointed about feeling poorly. Plus, of course, the pure physical discomfort of having fever and a bad throat and headaches, and most of all, the fatigue.
I hate this! I want to be healthy, not a constantly whining wreck.
Ok, part of the bad mood is stress and anxiety - Mistress leaves for Edinburgh tomorrow, and I'll be alone with little S for two days, before I join her. So 1) alone 2) alone with sole responsibility for child 3) sick 4) tons to do in school already 5) missing two days of school because of trip, stressed out over that 6) packing, preparing everything for the babysitters, and so on 7) nervous about flying alone, with a transfer in London. To me, everyone of these things would be enough to freak me out all by itself.
At least I managed to postpone my first day at my summer job, it was scheduled to tomorrow, but now I'll take that introductory day next week instead. And also, the things doesn't really stack up, I'm not seven times as anxious as I would have been, it's more as if my thoughts are flitting from one thing to another constantly.
Mistress is packing, I'm making our evening tea, and in a few minutes I'm going to cuddle up to her on the sofa for the last time before we'll see eachother in Edinburgh.
I hate this! I want to be healthy, not a constantly whining wreck.
Ok, part of the bad mood is stress and anxiety - Mistress leaves for Edinburgh tomorrow, and I'll be alone with little S for two days, before I join her. So 1) alone 2) alone with sole responsibility for child 3) sick 4) tons to do in school already 5) missing two days of school because of trip, stressed out over that 6) packing, preparing everything for the babysitters, and so on 7) nervous about flying alone, with a transfer in London. To me, everyone of these things would be enough to freak me out all by itself.
At least I managed to postpone my first day at my summer job, it was scheduled to tomorrow, but now I'll take that introductory day next week instead. And also, the things doesn't really stack up, I'm not seven times as anxious as I would have been, it's more as if my thoughts are flitting from one thing to another constantly.
Mistress is packing, I'm making our evening tea, and in a few minutes I'm going to cuddle up to her on the sofa for the last time before we'll see eachother in Edinburgh.
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