Apr 19, 2018

Everything the same, everything different

She lived and two weeks later we were allowed to go home to her big sister and try to be a family again. That was almost ten months ago now. She was tiny, so tiny and fragile.

She's big now. A big healthy baby. We're a family again. But the world has changed.

Mar 19, 2018

The longest seconds

I think there where twelve people in the room for the c-section, not counting Mistress and myself. I have no idea what most of them were there for. I think they all introduced themselves, or a lot of them, but I couldn't really sort the information. It wasn't anything I could do anything about one way or the other anyway.

I remember being really scared before the aenastethics, I was afraid it would hurt when they drove a needle into my spine. It did but not at all as much as I feared.

And then they cut me open and pushed my baby out. It took a lot longer than it sounds like and all I could do was lying still and looking up into the bright light in the ceiling and not have any feeling below ny belly button.

The seconds of silence that stretched out when they had gotten the baby out of me and she was quiet went on for at least an eternity. Maybe two. And then she screamed, an angry little wailing sound, and it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. She lived.

Mar 15, 2018

Again she made it

And then a week later they suddenly decided they had to do that c-section. And she wasn't there. She was at work I think. Far away from me. Little S was at school. And I was in a hospital bed hours away in a strange city.

In the end they could postpone the operation to the afternoon and she made it in time. I didn't have to be alone when I found out if my baby would live or die.