Oct 16, 2016

Being open and with friends

We had friends over this weekend, two whole families actually. Two couples with their kids came and stayed the night and it was really nice. Even more special since we're all doing BDSM. Not together, that is, there were no play and no overt dominance going on at all.

But there's something about hanging out with people I can be open with that matters a lot to me. It's not that I say or do anything in particular. It's just that I'm more comfortable, more myself. More in love with Mistress, too. Knowing that I don't have to hide makes a big difference, even if the hiding usually isn't all that taxing.

I guess it's like getting out of uncomfortable clothes. It's one thing to stand it when you have to wear them all the time, but when you can take them off for a while it feels really really good.

Jul 14, 2016

I remember

I remember when Mistress taught me to behave at parties. The thing is,  want to be a social butterfly. I was forever working the room, mingling and making sure I wouldn’t miss anything. No matter who I was talking with I worried there were something more fun going on in another room. That I was missing out.

This drove Mistress crazy. She didn’t want to mingle, and didn’t care if she missed something.Nor did she want to sit alone all night while I talked to absolutely everybody for five minutes each. We bickered about it a bit, as I recall, and eventually she made me/persuaded me/told me to simply stick with her. Even if that meant I missed out.

And I remember this particular party, or bits and pieces from it anyway. This was before we got little S, so before 2009, but I don’t remember anymore about it. It was a theme party, some historical period - might have been the twenties maybe. I think a couple of people celebrated their birthdays together, and the venue were some sort of pub or something similar in Stockholm. There were a lot of people we knew a little bit and a lot of people we didn’t know at all. I remember this nervous feeling I had, that I always used to have at parties and gatherings, this mix of excitement and fear.

And Mistress made me sit with her at table in the middle of the room, close to the door, with our drinks, doing nothing. No mingling, no circulating, no going around saying hey to everybody. Just sit there.

Of course, what happened was that everybody came over and said hi to us instead. Turns out that if you sit at a table with available chairs looking friendly and relaxed a lot of people find that rather appealing and joins you. We had a great time, and if I missed out of something I didn’t notice it. There was this relief in this, in obeying Mistress, in taking this chance, and in noticing that she had been right all along

Jul 12, 2016

A nightly walk long ago

I remember a night during the first spring after we had fallen in love. It must have been the spring of 2004 and I lived in an apartment in central Stockholm, together with my ex, my then-Master. Mistress semi-lived with us then too, she had her own place in another town and worked at yet another place, but we spent a lot of time together.

This particular night we were up and out very late, I don’t remember why. I vaguely recall that there was a reason, we had been to some event or other. And we walked home through the city, Mistress and me. It was late spring or early summer and one of those nights that doesn’t get dark. There was a little bit of cold in the air, the scent of flowers were everywhere, and it was light, a bright twilight, even though the sun was down and it was late at night. There were some people out, but not many.

And Mistress had me in a collar and leash, perhaps for the very first time or at least one of the first times. We walked through the dreaming night city, in the twilight and the scent of flowers, I followed her a few steps behind her and she held my leash in her hand. We might have led the leash inside my sweater and out through the arm, it was very discreet and no one seemed to notice at all. It was magical and exciting and made me feel very safe, and very loved.

I remember also my ex commenting afterwards when I talked about it that he was a bit jealous because if he had had me in a leash in public people would stare angrily and assume I was being abused. Maybe he was right, I don’t know and we never tried it. I know no one stared or commented on me and Mistress and I know that I looked forward to doing it again sometime. But I’m not sure we ever did.