Control versus dominance

And then we talked. Or actually we cuddled and Mistress asked me about the party and among the questions I told her I smoked. I know she don't approve but at the party I didn't care. Didn't think to much about it at all.

But then naked in bed with her above me looking reproachfully down at me, I suddenly cared. And got defensive. And we talked.

I want to be hers. I want to be owned by her again. But the truth is that it's not so at the moment and I can't pretend it is. And if I don't get the owned part I have a hard time seeing the point of the obeying rules part.

In a way I think it has always been a trade off for us. She likes dominance well enough, but it's control that is important for her. That is her main thing. And if she can achieve that by acting dominant, then fine. I can get a kick out of being controlled, by all means, but it's the dominance and my submission to it that is the point for me. And if I can get that feeling from being controlled, then fine. I'm up for it.

That means I abstain from smoking cigarettes, which I enjoy, because she orders me to and obeying her makes me feel submissive and owned, which I enjoy even more. But if she doesn't dominate me and I don't get to feel submissive and owned, then I'll smoke whatever I want.

Not in every moment of course, I'm not particularly high maintenance and even though I can be occasionally bratty it's not my habit to go around being disobedient.

But this has been going on for a long time. Regardless of what happened before, our power exchange died when the baby was born. It might rise from the ashes like a phoenix, but it went away when all the bad things happened.

I didn't die on that hospital bed after all, but lying there in indescribable pain for 45 minutes alone, convinced I was going to die without even saying goodbye, killed off other things in me. Or smothered them or whatever.

I'm better now, almost all back. Tentatively trying to trust again, to need again. To want something. But it's really really hard and we keep missing each other. So in reality she hasn't had a real dominant hold over me for two years. She still wants to control me, because that's her default, but it doesn't really work when the rest of it is missing.