I went to a party yesterday, a friends' 40th birthday. A lot of the guests were people I met 20 years ago but haven't really spent time with or gotten to know since then.
Halfway through the evening I realised my head was full of anxious thoughts about not being included, not being good enough, not popular enough. Wondering where the cool people where, if I was missing something awesome somewhere. And above all feeling very insecure and lonely.
It wasn't that I didn't have fun. I did, at the same time. But when I became aware of my thoughts and checked myself I recognized the train of thought as something from a very long time ago. I used to think and feel like this all the time, when I was younger. Around the time when I actually used to hang out with this crowd.
It changed and in this specific kind of situations it changed because I became owned. Not just having a boyfriend, that's not the point, but being owned. That feeling of security and belonging made me stop looking for affirmation and popularity from the cool people.
BDSM is a thing here. It's not an official activity but even though I don't really know most of the people at the party I happen to know that at least half of them are into BDSM and a lot of them are poly. And it matters to me because as soon as I know that, and if it matches with my interests, it affects me. I get jittery. I get interested. Not necessarily wanting to date them, but they become... more important. And I would probably be a very easy target if anyone with the right disposition showed any interest.
Being owned protected me from that. And I had gotten used to that. And now here I were, feeling all strange and vulnerable and didn't realise until late at night it was because my protective bubble is gone. I don't have it anymore and I miss.
I want to be owned. But right now, at this time, apparently I'm not. And it sucks and I don't know how to get it back.
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