Several months ago the women only gay BDSM-club that we're members of (we pay our membership each year, but the last three years we've been going about once a year), sent out their program for the coming six months, and there was an item on the program that I pounced upon like an eagle on a mouse. It was a breathplay workshop, and it was scheduled for today.
I actually emailed them the next day, asking if there were still places available (with a big smiley - of course there were, I bet I was first in line), and we paid for it as soon as we got confirmation. That was ages ago, but now it finally happened. In a way this is the start of my summer holidays - last exam three days ago, and my summer job doesn't start until July. This was a great way to kick off the summer.
We had the usual drama before finally making our escape - my dad was babysitting little S the whole day, and it was planned to be in his house, but my brother with wife and baby lives there too, and the baby, little S's cousin, got sick today, of course. Something like this always, always happens when we try to do something, especially if it is expensive and planned in advance... But dad could come to us instead, and we could get away.
I like that club. It's actually a local owned by a gay men organisation, and the small sister organisation hire it one Thursday every month, and for some special occasions. This was a joint effort from both organisations, and the instructor was a seasoned martial arts practitioner, who also had an obvious delight in any kind of breathplay. She was short and wiry and had a buzz cut and a steely gaze and talked very fast and very passionately about her subject, and was in fact very much alike my Mistress, which was kind of funny.
For once, I learned something new, which is always surprising and refreshing. Usually, I've already tried, heard about or seen most of the things people talk about, but this was specialised enough to have some new things in it. And it was very freeing to hear something other then "it's dangerous - don't do it" when it came to the safety aspects.
For my part, I learned two important things about myself, even though I went to the workshop with the full intention of being a practise dummy and nothing else. The first was that there's a very big difference for me, in my reactions, between being strangled and being suffocated. Suffocation triggers panic in a few seconds, and even though I obey and hold still, I tense up and it was obvious that Mistress could read me perfectly and had no trouble seeing how I felt. The control and domination aspects of suffocation is hot and I like it, but the physical sensation is panic, pure and simple. I like my oxygen, it's as simple as that.
Strangling however, is a different matter. That's mostly what we've been into at home too, Mistress having her hands around my throat and me getting that nice swoony, dizzy feeling. We tried out a few new techniques today, were to hold and how to put pressure were, and yes, I like that feeling. I get all hot in the face and my ears start to buzz and it feels like my eyes are about to pop out, and something about it just feels nice. Painful and terrifying too, definitely, but not panicky like suffocating. Sexy and hot and painful, scary in a titillating, butterflies-in-the-stomach way.
The other thing I learned about myself, and frightened the instructor a little bit with too, I think, is that in this situation I don't give a stop signal. I don't do that tap on the other person to tell them I'm about to faint. I just don't. I've actually trained ju-jutsu a long time ago, I know how to do it, it's not difficult. But in this context, with Mistress, other training kicks in, and I'm utterly incapable of telling "enough". I'm perfectly at ease with giving information about how I feel, I would probably also be able to signal that I'm about to faint if that's what I'm specifically instructed, but generally signaling when I want Mistress to stop? No, I can't do that.
And when the instructor was asked by Mistress to show a specific grip around my throat she tried it out, and let go right before I was about to pass out, saying that she was expecting a tap a bit before that. I mumbled something incoherently and felt a bit embarrassed - I'm obviously not used to do anything but follow along and obeying, even when a more or less complete stranger is strangling me with her bare hands. That was interesting to know, and definitely food for thoughts.
The other thing I'm going to take with me from this day (except for the marks on my neck from Mistress fingernails) is the moment when we all introduced ourselves to the group, and I could say: "Hi! I'm c, I belong to A" as way of introducing myself. I like that. I wish I could do that particular thing more often.
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