Jun 21, 2012

We have a plan

In a few hours time I'm taking the car to work, and right now it doesn't feel to horrible. The panic went away, and we have a plan.

The thing is, that the thing that frightens me most is the idea that I'll lose contact with Mistress. Not as if she'll leave me or anything, but that I'll become shut down and not "there", not completely hers anymore, if the job takes to much out of me. I've been there before, it's not a fear out of the blue, more like hardwon caution.

I have two big problems when it comes to work, any kind of work. One is that I don't manage to stop when I need to, that I can't take my self seriously enough to say "no" before it gets overwhelming and I suffer. The other is that this apparently doesn't register on the outside either. It took forever for me, for us, to realise that when I was crawling along, desperately trying to do what was expected of me, hurting all over and in my head begging for realease - outwards, I looked fine.

This has caused trouble at least twice before, once with a job I had, working night shift at a crappy place, commuting three hours everytime, and studying full time also. Eventually I said "enough" and didn't go back there, but it hurt that Mistress didn't help me put an end to it long before that, because it turned me into a wreck. And I think the truth is that I shut down and not lied but omitted the truth - I simply have no good way of telling her, or anyone, how I'm feeling if it's bad.

The other time was when I was pregnant with little S, finished my semester without failing and then went on to a summer job in the last trimester. In hindsight, I should have ditched the last classes and skipped working, because I was so tired, so beaten down by this pregnancy. But I didn't, and again, I do think that Mistress would have helped me with that if she realised exactly what my condition was. But she didn't. Because, again, it just don't register on the outside, and I, on the other hand, don't get that. I assume that how I'm feeling is written all over my face, and that she makes decision knowing fully well what that will do to my psyche and my body. And so I don't complain, or at least not much, and go and do what I have to. Until I'm broken.

Actually, there's a third time. This fall, after the pneumonia. I really really tried to tell her this time, I did tell, I said that I was afraid I wouldn't make it, that I needed a rest, that I was getting sick. But things just stacked up, little S got sick, our babysitters got sick, I wanted to finish school and Mistress job was crazy busy, and so I just kind of sucked up and shut down and did what I had to. And got depressed with suicidal thoughts and are still recovering. Not to mention never got healthy again and still have some kind of virus infection from hell that never ever lets go.

I mean, I can't say that I wouldn't have been depressed if I had been allowed to rest and recover in December, nor do I know that my somatic health problem is related to either. But it feels like it. And it was really really hard then, it hurt me.

Besides not being able to say "no", (which isn't about the power dynamic, by the way, but about a crappy upbringing and somewhat lacking parents. They still shut me out if I complaing or have a problem - otherwise, we have a decent relationship.) and besides not being able to convey my feelings to the outside world, I also think that I get more tired than other people. That there is something a little bit wrong with me, that would explain the stress and the depression and a few other traits I have.

I think I have a very spiky cognitive profile, meaning that if I would do test of my cognitive ability I would ace some of them, being scarily smart, and flunk others completely, appearing retarded. Most people have a level of intelligence and stay there, performing at an even level. But some of us are a bit more complicated.

Honestly, if I didn't have Mistress, I believe that I would have an ADD-diagnosis by now. But diagnosis are determined from how well you function in you daily life, and thanks to a very high intelligence in some areas, that I use to cover up my weaknesses, and thanks to a very structured and helpful life partner, I don't have a lot of problems with functioning. I manage school (with stress and depression) and our home looks clean and ordered (thanks to Mistress) and I'm a good mom (because that is my number one priority). That makes it unlikely that I would get a diagnosis, even though I for my part would be very interested to know what medication would do for my ability to perform day to day tasks.

Anyway, I think that also contributes to my fear of becoming exhausted - I get very tired from things other can handle easily, and I also appear to handle them very well. The problem isn't in my ability to perform tasks, the problem is the Herculean effort it takes for me to do them.

Our plan, however, is to evaluate before and after every shift how I'm doing, and for Mistress to remind me that it is ok to call in sick if I'm feeling badly. I kind of take for granted that I absolutely have to do what I set out to do - being reminded that quitting actually is an option should help. Not that I necessarily would quit, but knowing that she says it's ok should at least reduce the shame-factor. And she says she wont allow me to shut down and shut her out - if the prize for that is that is problem with the job than so be it. I will not shut down. And since that's what I'm most afraid of, and it seems like something I do without thinking, having her on the other end of the line, reeling me in, feels very comforting.

And it's not that many days. It's today, but then there's more than a weeks break before next time, and the whole thing ends 26 of July. And after that, we have four consecutive weeks of vacation together. Even if I'm all stressed out by then, hopefully I'll have time enough to get in shape before school starts.

I wish my mind and body worked better, and I love Mistress a lot for helping me making things work anyway. 



1 comment:

  1. Having someone to take control makes it easier. But you need to commincate it.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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