Resolution

In the middle of the fall I wrote about getting another baby. That's still on, but the timeline has shifted. Because that goal I made, about losing 10% body weight? Fail, utterly fail. I know enough about the body and weight loss to not be surprised. It is hard to change, and I didn't have the energy to work enough for it. Because I put that energy into other things, work mostly.

But that's not okay. This fall I've prioritised work and to some extent our kid over Mistress and our relationship and over my own health in a way that isn't okay. For a short time, yes, but not for life.

We've made a deal. Or rather, I've asked her for help. I want to lose weight. And for the first time in my life, I think, I'm not worried about eating disorder or becoming bulimic. I was, for a lot of years, and the ADHD hasn't helped either. But I'm not anymore.I don't get those feelings and thoughts I used to get, and I'm not scared anymore. I don't think I'll want to throw up or get notions about starving myself. It feels safe, finally, and there's a freedom in that.

The last week Mistress has put the food on my plate, and every day I go to work with a bag with my lunch in it, allowed only to eat what's in it. It makes everything ridicolously easy, to be honest. There was this big chocolate and whipped cream cake at work today, a colleague had brought left overs from some week end party. And it wasn't even hard not to eat it. I'm supposed to eat what Mistress sent with me, and therefore it wasn't even a question.

Knowing my usual pattern, this will start to get hard again real soon. And then easy for a while, and then difficult again. Because that is how it works. But right now, I'm just revelling in being Mistress' good girl and in feeling healthy and in tune with my life goals. Good things, all around.