I've realised my submission, or maybe rather our power exchange dynamic, comes in to play in at least three different dimensions. At least looking at it like that makes the whole thing seem a little less paradoxical to me when I think about it.
One is obedience. I'm good at that, actually. Give me an order (well, if you're my Mistress or in any other way have authority over me. It might work even if you're not, but then I'm not guaranteeing anything...) and I'll obey it. If it's a clear cut, precise order I will execute it immediately, as effectively as I can, with as little questions or hesitation as I'm capable of. Say "Jump!" and I'll be hitting the ceiling. Nemas problemas.
So ok, that one me and Mistress rarely fights over.
The other one is following rules. I have this one down too. We have quite a lot of small, everyday rules that guides my behaviour, and I rarely brake any of them (the "no candy"-one is the one exception). If she says "from now on you'll do it this way" I do it that way. In most cases, I forget or ignore the rule one or two times, confess my faults and get a correction, and after a few misteps I adhere to it. I always use my helmet when riding my bike, nowadays, and I never get in to bed in the eveing without permission.
The third one, however, is conceding to her will in everyday life. Submission, perhaps, or respect. Doing what she want, and being respectful in the little things. Following her guidance and trusting her judgment. In that area, I'm sorry to say, I suck.
If she does things that irritate me, or if I think she is going to do something that has irritated me in the past, or if I think she's putting her energy or focus in the "wrong" direction, or if we're approaching a subject were we have disagreed in the past or I have felt let down or disappointed in the past - I bristle. I stall. I mutter under my breath, and loudly, and I openly and not very respectfully questions her actions, her motives, her behaviour in general. That's the are were all the fighting is happening. Every fight seems to center around her doing something that irks me, me reacting strongly and emotionally and trying to correct her or manipulate her or simply being angry at her, and she retaliating.
It's really really hard for me, it seems, to simply trust her judgment. She may tell me to jump off a cliff, and I would. She can tie me up, gag me and beat me or choke me and I wont protest one second. She has all my money, she could tell me to move anywhere or get any job or quit any job, and I would obey. But when she wont immediately stop looking for my black pair of comfy pants, because I've found the purple ones and am tired of looking for things, I behave like a presoumptus disrespectful ass. I wonder why that is? What is it with the little things, that I'm so afraid of letting go of?
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