Experiment

I tried out my newfound insights this morning, at breakfast. Little S was playing with her mug, and suddenly Mistress shouts out, both angry and loudly. There's raspberry juice all over little S' place at the table, and Mistress grabs some paper and starts dabbing on her pants, that has gotten all wet. And I freeze up and have this strong emotional wave hit me, fear, anger and anxiety all rearing up inside me.

And I wait, and wait and wait for it to pass. It doesn't. I tell Mistress I'm scared, and she glares at me, still drying off the table, whlile little S happily plays with the puddles, putting pieces of bread in them. When the order is restored, Mistress reminds me that "See? Nothing happened!" meaning that she's calm again and hasn't done anything rash or irrational.

I realise that, but my dread isn't leaving, and I'm panicked because it isn't, and suddenly I'm sure that any minute now Mistress will lose patience with me, and start yelling at me for being grumpy. I tell her this too, and she sighs and tells me that no, of course she will not, but in my anxious state I hear a weariness and frustration in her voice that sets me off even more. I can't seem to end the downward spiral of increasing anxiety.

We separate, Mistress playing in the living room with the kid while I clear the breakfast table, with the bad feelings still high inside me. I let them be. I resigne myself to feeling this way, thinking that if that's how it's going to be, then it is. I can't do anything about it, I'll simply have to trust in Mistress loving me anyway, and let it be. I even try focusing on the feelings, conjuring up fear and worry, noticing every sign in my body, from pressure over the chest to headache and tingly fingers. For a while I feel like crying.

And then I realise that while I've been putting away the egg cups, I've lost focus on my feelings, and my mind has started wandering to other things. By the time the dishwasher is full, I'm feeling cheerfull again. And when I've wiped down the counter, I make sure to stick my head out of the kitchen and give Mistress a big, warm smile, so that she'll now everything is ok.

Because it is. I simply had to give it time. More time than I was comfortable with, more time than I'd have preferred or guessed, but still. Unless they're constantly triggered, feelings pass if you give them a minute and don't try to force them away. 

So, ok, I'm putting myself on response prevention from now on. When I feel like that, when Mistress' actions make me fearful and anxious, the important thing for me is not to act. I may tell her how I'm feeling, but not what she should do, and not blame her for it. And I may focus on my feelings, and be aware of them, but not feed them by endless rumination on the problem. It may feel intolerable for a few minutes, but it isn't, and if I can stand it a couple of more times, it will cease to be as painful. I now this, because I've seen others do it - I've even convinced others to do it, for that matter. Now it's time to convince myself.