Merry go-around

Yesterday we did the same old tired dance we've done far too many times. Something got stressful. I snarked. She got hurt. This time, I tried to apologise really quickly, realising my mistake. Unfortunately, she, in my mind, kept on being angry and attacking me (in her mind, I realised later, rebuking me and being firm). I freaked out completely.

Yeah. 'Cause this is working so well.

Or, actually, it is. We are doing things differently, and even though we're not learning right away, today, I can see that we're still getting there. We are improving.

Yesterday, however, I had a full out meltdown, complete with "if she doesn't want me, I don't want it either" including total despair at that idea, and a lot of crying, arguing and telling her what she did or didn't do, so there! Because, in my mind, I was obviously abandoned, very hurt and grossly mistreated. I apologised, and she didn't accept it right away, and to me, that was intolerable.

Not intolerable in any bratty, uppity way, but literary. I couldn't tolerate it. I broke down, I had full blown panic. In my mind, the relationship was more or less ended in it's current form - she obviously didn't love me anymore, didn't want me or care for me, and I couldn't trust her. I had tried to apologise, that didn't work, so there was nothing I could do that would be right, and that idea felt like it was killing me.

You'd think, and you'd be right, that after seven years together, almost five married, and this pattern repeating itself over and over and over again, I would learn something. But I seem to be very, very slow regarding this. If I don't get full, immediate and complete respons, I shut down, feeling the rejection a thousand times in my heart and reacting to that projection as reality. And my mind makes a total spin, and everything is black.

That's rather problematic in itself, because this kind of panic and despair leaves me tired, drained, depressed even after we've solved the actual issue. Which, of course and unfortunately, makes it very easy for me both to snark again very soon, and be as panicky, or even more, if she gets angry and hurt again. Which she does. And on and on and on....

If I could write a wish list, she would simply skip over the "being hurt"-part and go directly to "my slut is misbehaving"-part, and help me not to be by disciplining me for it, without interpreting my actions as hurtful or rejection of her as a Mistress or a person. But unfortunately, she doesn't.

She does gets hurt. She doesn't feel like disciplining me when I behave like this, she feels like crying, if I understand her correctly. In her world, I reject her first by being rude and disrespectful, and I guess she figures that if I really wanted to belong to her I wouldn't be like that in the first place. She said in our recent argument that I'd looked at her as if I thought she was completely and utterly stupid, and that idea makes me cringe. I've never, ever thought anything like that - but that's what she sees when se looks in to my eyes. Ouch.

I wish she would simply train it out of me, like one does with dogs. She, on the other hand, thrives on my submission being genuine and authentic, coming from my own desire to submit to her, and has no interest in forcing me to submit. Training me, controlling me, guiding me, disciplining me when I have surrendered, that she does. But forcing me to it? Nope, that doesn't seems to be her kink.