And the thing is, all the soulsearching and questioning and complaining I do on this blog right now, all the listing of my shortcomings and pondering of differences and arguments - it works. Things are improving, actually.
I have shifted my attention from "what is she doing wrong and how can I make her do something else?" (which leads to no change and make us both miserable) and also from "this sucks, why can't we do it right, what's wrong with our relationship?" (with similar results as the first one) to "What am I doing? Is it working? Am I getting what I need? What could I do differently?". That's what I've been doing for a couple of weeks now, and that has led to change.
This morning she said or did something that made me feel stressed out. I told her, as I ususally do, how I felt and what it was she did that made me feel that way, and why. And this time, unusually, she hugged me and explained the situation from her point of view, and made me feel all better again. And I felt good about myself, I wasn't angry with her or myself, and she didn't seem to mind me fretting a bit. That's a huge difference. Huge!
And the thing I did differently? The only thing I changed, that averted all the angst, all the drama, all the argument and all my seemingly disrespectful attitude? I looked down when I talked to her. Instead of staring into her eyes, trying to convey all my unhappiness and desperation so that she would take pity on me and console me, which I've done before and which ends up in disaster and her claiming I look at her "as if I hate her", I averted my eyes and avioded eye contact while I was explaining my point of view. That's it.
It's such small things. It's about talking to the other one in a body language that can be understood, conveying a message the other one can actually recieve. Sometimes that's not the thing I would naturally do, sometimes it's something that has to be learned. I grew up forced to act very assertively. I needed to defend myself, daily, from my older brother and from bullies at school, and that still resonates from me, especially when I'm stressed out. I get big "Keep away!" signs flashing all over me, even though that's not at all what I'm intending. If I don't want that to be so, I have to consciosly do something about that.
Looking down is one thing I can do, that obviously improves things.
And today when little S took her nap after lunch, she brought me into the bedroom, cuffed me to the bed and put clover clamps on my nipples, and left me to lie like that while she was on the computer for a while, finishing off a job project. It really really hurt, and it gave me a curious satisfaction to stifle all moans or cries and lie perfectly still so that she wouldn't be disturbed in her work. It didn't really get me wet until she was finished and came over to me and touched me, but then my whole body lit up in a second, and when she started to fuck me I was on fire. Afterwards I almost fell asleep in her arms, before it was time to go wake up little S.
I love her so damn much, she's the most beautiful person I know.
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