Good enough?

On a completely different note, I've been thinking about "service" and about "the Masters needs go first" even though in this case of course it's Mistress. It's all Fetlifes fault. Other peoples ideas, seeping in to my own.

I usually read about stuff like that, shrug and think "well that's not me, or maybe I'm simply bad at it". My first reaction is that no, I don't put Mistress' needs before my own.

And then I contemplated it a bit more, and realised that yes, of course I do. To the best of my ability. But my ability is so far below my own idea of what standard I should live up to, that in my eyes it doesn't even count.

I definitely "put her needs first" in so far that her happiness is necessary for my happiness. If I know a way to please her, I do it. I think my contentment and safety and well-being is necessary for her happiness in equal regard, there's really not much imbalance there.

But often, I don't know a way, or am not able to fulfill it. I'm often tired, and overwhelmed. She's not always that clear about her preferences. Or her preferences is for me to do things for myself, to rest or do something I like. And sometimes, I make sure I do things like that, because otherwise I literary break down.

I have a bad back that's bothering me a bit, and when I stand a lot, it hurts, intensely. It's some sort of nerv damage, one of many side effects of pregnancy. I try to get to the gym a lot and exercise in order to get rid of the problem, but it means both that I have to rest from time to time, even when it's inconvenient (right now, for example - I would much rather dust our living room, but it's wiser for me to sit on the sofa), and also to be at the gym rather than studying or cleaning for example.

This winter, from November and on, I've been sick a lot more than I've been healthy. Two bouts of the flu, both followed by bacteria, the first one giving me pneumonia and the other one sinusitis. I've been eating penicillin for the first time in my adult life, twice in four months. One or two bouts of stomach disease, and a whole lot of colds. Between that, not much service going on.

And winter combined with sickness led to an even greater concern, namnely depression. I was clinically depressed during january and february, and it's not until the spring came and I broke free of it that I've realised just how bad it was. It was horrible. And when everything is a bleak drudgery, interspersed with angst and horrible, pervasive pictures of hurting yourself, that service orientation thing kind of goes out the window. I tried desperately to perform okay as a mother, wife and student, and I tear up even now when I consider how badly I failed.

Depression is a bitch. I know I'm in danger of falling down that terrible hole every winter, I obviously suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder, as do my mother, and epidemically that's worst for women in the end of their thirties. I'm in the beginning of my thirties, so it's likely to get worse each year from now on. It's very clearly stress induced for me, so if I had a choice, I would work half time during december, january and february, and save myself the grief. That might be possible in the future, but right now, the next winter, we'll be as poor as this one, and it'll be just as important for me to do well in school. I dread it a little.

Anyway, depression = bad for everything. But I think my shame and guilt over being sick and not being able to do the things I want to and other people need me to do, makes me a harder judge on myself then necessary. I can't compensate for all the months I lost. But if I stop trying to do that, I am able to see that what I do do now, actually might be enough. At least, most importantly, my Mistress says it is.

She's satisfied with me. She thinks the things I do are good and she's glad I'm doing them. It's just that I do things that come naturally to me, and feels easy, and she does things that comes naturally for her, and feels easy to her, and I've a hard time realising that it might also be the other way around.

She pays the bills, and I'm so grateful for that. But I manage our social calender, make sure we stay in touch with friends, and she's grateful for that. She vacuums and dusts and do the dishes more than me - but I always help, without her asking. And I always clean the bathroom, and the fishtank. And while she does a lot of housework, I keep little S occupied and out from under her feet, and that's no easy task either...

The fishtank

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I think I'll simply have to stop berating myself, be content with the fact that my Mistress is happy with me and promises to tell me if she isn't, and that I can't help being sick, in either way. I'm good enough. My Mistress say so.