We actually had a rather deep discussion about the workings of our dynamic yesterday and today. It's been a long while since we had the time or energy to spare for that type of pondering, since it's not immediately rewarding.
During the last three years or so, we've mostly been talking either about stuff that's very enjoying to talk about (planning LARPS, discussing films, planning the summer vacation or dreaming about the house we're going to buy once I have my exam and a real job and an income), or that's not at all enjoying but really necessary to talk about (why the other one said all that stupid, hurtful stuff, or why our parents behave so strange/badly/intoxicated/unfair, or where little S' jacket really is, at home or at pre-school?). There's not been very much new to discuss about the M/s part of our life (besides from moaning about not having enough time for it).
But with us starting the discussion about a permanent collar, and actually having more time together and more serious play (it kind of hurts sitting down right now), suddenly new thoughts came to the surface.
I've always assumed that the most important part of me belonging to her (being slave, slut, property, whatever we choose to call it, being hers) is the fact that I obey. Which, in its crudest form, translates to "as long as I obey, I'm ok". She'll always now I'm hers, she can alwasy be sure of my submission, because the only thing she'll have to do to check it is give me an order and watch me jumping through hoops on her command.
And yes, she agrees, that's true as far as it goes. But it turns out that thats the minimum requirement. That I obey her orders is an important part of our dynamic for her too, but it hasn't got the pivotal role it has in my head.
She claims even that I would still belong to her even if I would screw up totally and at some point not obey her. That disobedience is not an immediate cause for total dismissal and complete relationship do-over, which I've imagined in my mind. Just as in any other area of life, it's ok for me to fail. Which in its way is very reassuring. I can't disqualify myself from the relationship by some simple mistake or slip of tongue or mind.
On the other hand, she also stressed that while obedience is good, it's not enough. And that kind of threw me. That she gives orders and I obey, we concluded, is one dimension of at least two of our dynamic. The other one we named, for lack of a better word, "attitude". It's something we're both really sensitive about, where very small gestures, nuances in words and eye contact, makes a world of difference. And it's in that dimension our difficulties lie.
I'm good at obeying. I have no problems with that (most of the time, anyway). She's good at deciding a course of action and executing it, that's not a problem either. What I'm not very good at, or at least frequently fail at, is showing an attitude of respect and reverence. I'm often to fast, to harsh, to demanding, bossy, angry, all sorts of things. I may think I'm submissive, because I'm ready to obey in the end, but in actuality, what is projected is an attitude very far from the reverantial, humble behaviour she would like from me.
She, on the other hand, has every intention of taking care of me, making good decision for my life, and making me do the things she thinks will benefit me the most. She's comfortable being the leader, and genuinely and authentically expresses her love by controlling and demanding obedience.That's not the problem. But when I disrespect her, she reacts with hurt and mistrust and dismisses me, interpreting my actions as if I don't want to be hers anymore. Which hurts me deeply, and makes me do all kinds of irrational things.
And sometimes in stress, regardless of our status, she freaks out and get irrational and hasty in her movements and scary to me, an attitude from her that I hate and fear, and that for me breaks down my trust and safety. When she does that, I will still obey a direct order, but her attitude is such that I no longer feel safe in her presence.
What we really need to do, both of us, is cool down. I'm not sure it's possible for either of us to be less sensitive, less hypervigilant about the other ones moods and smallest gesture. But I do think we could cultivate our tolerance, expand the time we're able to tolerate the discomfort stemming from our partners bad attitude.
If I could live with her being nervous and unsure for a few minutes without having a complete breakdown, she would be able to regain her composure after a while, and come back to me. And if she could refrain from interpreting rudeness from my side as contempt and disrespect, and instead continue seeing me as her slut (albeit a slut badly in need of discipline) I would have time to realise my mistake and humbly apologise.
We need to get some redundancy in the system. As it is now, we're both on a hair trigger, ready to explode at the smallest provocation, and very inclined to interpret the others behaviour as negative. If we could just chill a little even when we sense a bad attitude from our counterpart, our life would run much more smoothly.
Maybe we can. Knowing about it is going to help at least a little, I hope. And I'm glad that we're at least equally sensitive - we both know exactly whats going on, even when almost nothing is visible for anyone else. Unfortunately, that it doesn't show doesn't make it any less hurtful.
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