Love and safety

And then I started to think about all the things I can trust her to do. All the things she's proven again and again to be true. That I love her and want to be with her is not dependent on that, but whether or not I can feel safe doing that, whether or not I feel confident and proud of how I live my life, that has to do with it.

In our worst moments, the question do arise; am I crazy for doing this? Am I deluding myself? Is love leading me into something, making me stay in something, that isn't healthy for me? Should I feel ashamed over my poor choices, give up all hope, and simply berate myself for being duped? The question is not "should I leave her?" (because I wont) but "should I hate myself for not being able to leave her?". There's a lot of self hate and self blame in that, and for me, unfortunately, that's easy to fall in to.

And then it's important for me to rembember, that yes, this person whom I've chosen to give myself over to completely, whom I obey and follow, might not be perfect, but she's not only the person I love and who loves me back deeply, she's also very very good for me.

We sometimes have trust-related breakdowns, and they are horrible and hurtful. But they pass. And nowadays, we can contain ourselves. We're sad, yes, and angry, but not devastated, and there's a lot less of the drama. One thing I can trust her to do is owning her own problems, working on them and making things better. That's a big thing.

Another thing I can always trust her to do is caring about me. My biggest issue is that I don't see this, because when I get hurt or need caring, I tense up and get defensive, and I have a very hard time interpreting compassion. She, on the other hand, often express it physically, in some sort of practical way. That flies right by me, I don't see it at all usually (I want a hug, and I don't interpret a vacuumed kitchen or a sleep-in as an equivalent), but I've learned what it means. She cares so much, I can't even realise it.

I can trust her to make good decisions for me, for herself and for the baby. She's lived a succesful life before me and with me, she's practical and economical and I can trust her to lead us. That's a big thing too, because I've experienced the alternative, and that's very bad.

Most of all, I can trust her to always love me, to really really love me. The one I really am. All my sides, all my facets. She loves the needy me, the practical me, the goofy me, the creative me, the smart me, every bit of me. She sometimes get exasperated with the bratty me and the sloppy me, but she still sees those parts of me and love me all the same. Nothing is neglected. Nothing is not loved. I think maybe that is the biggest thing. With her, I can be myself. That gives me safety.