Apr 16, 2012

Sickly-sickeli-sick

And then I'm sick again. Feeling unwell, having a slight fever, headache, a little soar throat. No more than would be possible to ignore, but making me feel cranky, and unwilling to do anything.

Normally, I would have tried to brush it off, and continued with my plans for the day. But I have a gnawing suspicion that my tendency not to take care when I feel ill (in fear of appearing lazy or not being good enough) have contributed to me being sicker than I otherwise would have been, and now I try a different approach, staying home. This has so far led to 1) massive guilt and bad conscience, 2) four phone calls to class mates I'm doing a project with and should have been in a meeting with right now and 3) two hours working at my home computer. I'm not sure this is actually more restful than simply going to school.

I hate being sick. And I'm sick all the time. Bleeerrgh!

(When I was 14 I was systematically and cruelly bullied in school. I started to develop a lot of (genuinely felt) psychosomatic symtoms, fevers, headaches, stomach aches and so on, very much like the symtoms I have today (though I think this really is a virus).

My parents declared me "not really sick" and made me go to school anyway after a while, leaving me with a feeling of shame and abandonment (on top of bullying and headache and fever) and never asking why I always felt crappy sunday nights and the day before PE.

Every time I get sick now, I feel that same shame and abandonment, and want to crawl in to a hole and hide and not exist for a while. It's way worse than the actual, physical symtoms. This has not been a happy winter.)

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