We had an argument this morning, bumping in to eachother as we often do, and when we had finally solved it (in between making breakfast, feeding and clothing and playing with little S, packing bags and taking showers - the normal busy morning) she said she thought the illness was turning me into a bitch. I replied I thought it was more due to me being inherently bitchy. Luckily, she had just the minute before very discreetly laid her hands around my throat and told me that I was hers and that I was safe with her, so the bitchiness had come and gone already.
But an hour before lunch time today I couldn't take it any more in school, and bailed. And hated myself for it. It was a relief when she called me back a little later and assured me that I wasn't shirking my responsibilities, that my order for the day was to "take good care of her slut", and if I needed to take two hours lunch to do that, then so be it. I was scheduled to be in scool the whole day, with fever and headaches, and it was perfectly understandable that it was tough on me. As long as I signed the attendance slip and wont have to retake the lecture in the fall, all was fine with her.
Me, I alternate between thinking I have leucemia, AIDS, or one of a thousand other unlikely diseases, and berating myself for being a lazy hypocondriac who should keep herself together and stop bothering people. Neither way of thinking is especially healthy, or good for the peace of mind. "Take care of Mistress' slut" seems like a brilliant strategy in comparison.
Right now, I'm in a nice café with wi-fi, have finished my coffee, and are planning to enjoy an ice cream and a stroll along the river before three hour of tutoring in the afternoon. Mistress said I could, so I will - and I plan to stomp on my bad conscience until it crawls back into the hole it came from. So there!
Computer, coffee, street view
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