Diagnose: Dysfunction

We had a fight in the middle of the week, I can't remember if it was Thursday or Wednesday. I can't remember, either, exactly what we said, or what happened, and that's not unusal for me in fights. I remember that I was hurt, that I think I'm right, that I have been put upon and badly treated - but give me a few days, and the details get very hazy. Which doesn't take away from the general sentiment, though.

I do remember the theme, however. The theme is "me being sick". It's a regular occurence around here, both the sick-thing and the horrible-fight-thing. Unfortunately. And this week has been such that we haven't been able to talk it out until yesterday. I've been unusually good about that, I loath waiting, and having to live with an unfinished fight for days is some kind of mental torture in my book. But I know how our situation is, I know what Mistress job has been like and my school and everything, so I respected (yey me!) her order when she declared "I'm too tired now, later".

And later, now, after we've talked, I've finally realised it's actually me that has to change. She's not the ogre. If there's an ogre here, it's me.

Every time I get sick, I get apprehensive. My background is such that I expect being treated with contempt, mocked and denied love whenever I need someone or aren't happy. That's not healthy, at all, and it makes me behave in rather dysfunctional ways. One is that when I am in pain or tired (this week I've had a fever and headaches) I don't want to show it. I hide it. Unfortunately, I'm a rather accomplished liar. The whole idea of a stiff upper lip, toughing it out and waiting for someone else to acknowledge you need a break or help only works if someone sees it. It doesn't work if you can lie so that nothing shows for a very long time. But that's what I do.

And when eventually the discomfort is so great I fear not being able to hide it anymore, I panic. I've had different solutions to this, none of them good, but the latest one is simply declaring "I'm too tired" or "I have a bad pain" and saying I need to go away for a rest. Which Mistress grudgingly, coldly acknowledges and agree too - but my fear of the love going away, of being less loved and cherished when I say that I'm ill or need something is confirmed by this every time, and I go away feeling ashamed, worthless and empty. She's obviously displeased with me, and I feel like I'm being treated very unfairly, since I really do try to hold off as long as possible, and ask for as little as possible.

And I haven't been able to come to any other explanation of why she seems so angry than the one stated above. Which is kind of stupid of me, since she takes really good care of me in every other aspect, and seems to genuinely care for my welfare. So why does she gets pissed off and snappy with me simply because I sometimes need a rest? Am I really that worthless to her? That was the general question from me in our fight this week. I realised how incongruent this was, what a paradox, and I wanted to know why she did this.

When we finally could talk about, I had calmed down, I felt connected to her again, and I was able to listen to her. And I realised, for the first time, what it is I'm doing. Not what she's doing. It's me. Of course she's not angry with me for being in pain or tired. I'm right to question that, because it's absolutely ludicrous to think so. She would never do that. She do, however, gets royally pissed off when I withhold information from her, when I make decision all by myself and makes it nearby impossible for her to have a say in the matter, and when I act defensive, angry and stand-offish. That, she doesn't like.

When I angrily marches up to her, and demand to immediately go away and have a break, with no warning or indication beforehand at all, and at the same time is in obvious panic and not willing to talk about it - she gets angry, frustrated and sends me away so that I will come back as soon as possible in some kind of sane mind again. And from that perspective, I get it.

I get my side too. I look panicky and strange and defensive because I'm terrified and drowning in shame. I haven't said anything or shown anything exactly because of that. And I wont negotiate, because I've held on to the last minute and am asking for the absolut minimum I need not to lose it completely. Of course, what I'm most afraid of is losing it completely, showing emotions or fatigue, and being even less loved than I will be anyway. That this is complete bullshit and wont happen I don't realise, because I withdraw myself before it happens.

Obviously, this isn't working. It hasn't worked regularly the last three years, and been the reason for endles amounts of arguments, and of me feeling very very let down, ashamed and disconnected.

Today, I've tried really hard to tell her continously how I'm doing and feeling, and she's tried really hard to ask me, and to listen and comment on my answers. So far, I like this way much better. Who knows, we might be on to something.