Not a very good plan

When Mistress met me and little S outside the pre-school after work and she asked how I was I had to admit to feeling like crap. A lot of angst, very tired. This made me ashamed, because I had a vague sense of guilt about it. “Is that why you didn’t text me?” she asked and I denied it.

On the way home I realized she was right (of course). I didn’t text her when I’d dropped off little S in the morning, nor did I when I left home in the afternoon to go get her. Both corresponding to times when I felt wiped and angsty, probably forgetting to text because I was dissociating and simply going through the basic motions of getting were I was supposed to go – with no energy left to direct outward.

And that’s not ok. If something is that hard for me to do that I can’t even text Mistress, then I shouldn’t do it. I most definitely should text Mistress, or call her, and ask for help.

Since I didn’t, I continued to have a too high tempo that day. I went to my friend I. a bit late, because I had a hard time getting off the couch, and then I stayed there longer than I’d planned, because I was exhausted. And also because I ended up with my head in her lap while she was massaging my head with a funny wirey head-massage-tingy. It was cuddly and a bit dominant of her, and very very relaxing for me, and definitely one of the best parts of the entire day.

But when I left, it was lunch time, I was still really tired, and again, I should have called Mistress. But I didn’t, I texted her and told her I was getting lunch and doing some shopping that was pre-planned, and didn’t mentioned the parts of feeling exhausted and confused. 

I did get lunch at a crowded sandwich-place and found what I was looking for, but when I finally got home my mind was all over the place, and I still had studying to do. Which I did, and then went to get little S and couldn’t understand why I was feeling so bad. 

I texted Mistress that she was right and about my day, a short version, and when I’d finally gotten little S to sleep at night I went to her and kneeled and apologized. We backtracked the whole thing, and while talking I realized that the real problem actually wasn’t that day at all, but the day before. When I asked my friend I. about lunch and she preferred earlier, and I didn’t think twice about it.

I should have thought twice. It’s one thing booking in a lunch, it’s always good for me to have company then, but it’s another thing to make a plan that involves me being out of the home and in company for the whole day. When it didn’t go as I thought, I should have asked Mistress. Instead I decided, presented it for Mistress as a done deal, and refrained from getting in touch during the day.

I’m horrible at time management. Unfortunately, I’m great at selling in ideas an presenting things in a way that makes Mistress semi-accept them at first glance. It always comes back and bites me in the ass in the end, and it’s not an acceptable behavior from me towards Mistress.

In short, I screwed up. Not by being angsty, and not by wanting to meet with a friend, but by trying to manipulate Mistress and not asking for her input in my plans. That’s a real screw up.

We were cuddling on the sofa the whole time we discussed this, my head on her chest, and now and then during the talk she slapped my face as the more damning aspects of my actions came up.  But in the end, when all was said and done, I asked her for punishment. “Haven’t I already done that?” she asked, and stroked my cheek with the palm of her hand. “Obviously not enough” she concluded, and looked me in the eyes while she lifted her hand up and delivered a stinging slap to my face. For a moment my head was ringing and the world turned around a little.

 

And then everything was well in the world again.