Trust and things

The thing is, I'm deadly afraid to lose her. That's the fear that drives me when I get angsty. That she'll leave me, that I wont be good enough for her, that she'll decide she doesn't want me any more. Being sick makes me more of a burden, at the same time as this particular sickness (depression) makes thoughts like that seem real and plausible. That's kind of what depression does.

But I fear too that I'll lose her to illness. That the burden of taking care of me and little S and her job and not having enough fun things in her life will make her depressed too, or exhausted. That she'll drift away from me, not by intention but because of fatigue. That the sheer effort to put one foot before the other will take all her energy and there will be nothing left to me. Like I was this summer.

So when she express thoughts about being unhappy, about not getting enough of the things she needs (like sleep, or time for herself, or time and energy to exercise) it makes me really really afraid, and really really motivated to do something about it. And when she doesn't respond to all my helpful suggestions and doesn't follow through on my excellent (in my view) plans, I get frantic and frustrated.

And there I go again, taking responsibility for things that's not mine. I don't own that. She does.

If she tells me what's going on with her, it will ease my worries and make me feel more in control, and it will also let her take advantage of my perspective and experience. So that's generally a good thing. But she doesn't have to do that. She has every right to solve this problem the way she sees fit, involving me as much or as little as she likes.

And even though the depression keeps screaming other things in my ears, as long as she doesn't say anything else, my primary job is still 1) manage school and 2) get better. "Overseeing and managing Mistress health and make her tell everything so that I can have control" is not even on the list. It's on a different list. A black one. Crossed out.

I just have to trust her.I don't get why that's so god damn hard.